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Midland Tyke

How old were you when you found asexuality?

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Keilah

I was 18 and in my first year of college. A member of another forum I was a member of posted a thread where he came out as asexual and asked if anyone else was. They posted a link to this site and after reading through the basic description of asexuality, something just seemed to click.

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Unruly_Wookie

I'm 33 and it has just clicked in the past few weeks that I am asexual. Though I have been familiar with the term a long time, it's not really something I'd considered associating with myself, even though in hindsight its pretty obvious.

 

What really led to the lightbulb going off was my friend saying (in the nicest way possible) that she felt so sorry for me that I was missing out on companionship by not having a life partner. I tried my best to convince her to not feel bad for me as I was genuinely content being alone but she didnt seem to believe me.

 

When I got home I started a little soul searching as it wasn't even something I had thought about before. I didn't remotely care but why? I do remember reading and being amused by people who would be devastated to not have sex in 6 months and here was me that hadn't even given it a consideration in 17 years. I just never looked at someone and thought about sex and as I had never experienced that or talked about it, it never occurred to me that that wasn't the "norm". 

 

So now here I am, interest piqued and spending time on these forums trying to find out more. I'm not "happy" to be asexual it just kinda... is. Also great to see like minded individuals as well.

 

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3MK29A

[TW: Brief mention of sexual abuse]

My mum used to buy the magazine 'New Scientist', and back in 2002 or 2003 they had a feature on asexuality, when I was thirteen or fourteen. For some reason it struck a chord with me, maybe because I was feeling peer pressure to start dating when I actually had no interest in doing so. I only realised I was probably ace when I turned sixteen and became sexually active, but I denied it until my early-to-mid 20s. I've been on a lot of heavy medication since the age of ten, most of which have a side-effect of totally killing your libido, so I spent my teens attributing my lack of sexual interest to the meds. Even now, I'm not sure if I would be a more sexual person if I wasn't on them. I was also sexually abused for almost five years when I was a child, so I don't know how much impact that had (that's just my experience, not saying it applies to every abuse survivor on here).

Either way, I've always been really laid-back about it. Other people are more concerned about my sexuality than I am! :/ I was labelled a lesbian at school because I was one of the only girls without a boyfriend, and that brought me years of abuse and harassment from other teenagers (including property damage, vandalism, and hate crimes that I had to report to the police). Because of this, I had a lot of self-disgust about the fact I was attracted to women romantically/platonically. I'm not "fully" asexual (I've always identified as gre-ace) but in my case there was certainly some desperation at one point to be anything but sexually attracted to women, since I felt such deep self-hatred over it. I wish all people would see sexuality the way I see it— as not a big deal to anyone other than the person/people you want to be in a relationship with.

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NC Unicorn

I was 50, no romantic relationship since college. Never knew why I wasn't interested like everyone else.

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Green Mandala

First heard the word, asexual, in my late 50s and when I did the research, I found that it described what I had known about myself since my 30s. Unfortunately, I thought I was messed up in my 30s and 40s. It wasn't until my late 50s that I could finally and honestly say, "There is nothing at all wrong with me. I'm just not interested in sex with anyone."

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Allport
On 17/03/2017 at 10:37 PM, Midland Tyke said:

I'm in my 60's and asexuality 'didn't exist' when I was a lad. I've always liked the look of women and just assumed that when others said that they 'fancied her' and she was pleasant to look at that my friends and I were experiencing the same thing. But no! It turns out (and how can I have missed this?) what they meant was that they would rather enjoy sex with the person involved. And as many times as possible!

Yes, I can identify with that. I was about 60 when a lady used the term "asexual" when dumping me. The term was new to me, so I looked it up and found AVEN. I've spent several years coming to terms with myself as an asexual; I'm a hetero-romantic, but the appeal is mostly aesthetic. I've always thought that maybe someone would come along and it would work out. I've had various relationships, some lasting for some years, but they've all ended without me really understanding why, and often painfully. In retrospect it is all deeply embarrassing that I didn't understand the situation, but that's the way it was, so I'm pleased to hear that someone else made a similar error. Not that any woman was ever honest and said what she was really concerned about, but then maybe the idea of someone being asexual is so far from the mainstream that they took it as a lack of interest in them, or some sort of male self-centredness. I'm doing my best not to become embittered, but I am getting more isolated from people as I haven't really got any way of transforming my situation.

 

I don't think that many people my age have any idea about asexuality. I commonly wear a baseball cap with the asexual flag on it, nobody has ever commented on it and I can't imagine they regard it as more than the sort of random decoration that is endemic on clothing these days.

 

I hope that for younger people these matters are more openly discussed and understood as that will make for more honest relationships. My feeling is that physicality, intimacy and pleasure are major issues for asexuals, and those points have got to be faced up to. Sorry, I'm starting to ramble. 

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Samby

I think I was maybe around 15-6 and it was in reference to a friend who said she was it but at the time I really didn't understand what it meant and thinking back I think she was aromantic too and that's what confused me.  She hated the idea/hearing about other people dating and couldn't understand it and I think I assumed that was what asexuality was - not wanting to be in a relationship with someone else.  I'd say I realised what it really meant when I was 18-19 but only did proper research on it now at 21.  

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Midland Tyke
44 minutes ago, Allport said:

Yes, I can identify with that. I was about 60 when a lady used the term "asexual" when dumping me. The term was new to me, so I looked it up and found AVEN. I've spent several years coming to terms with myself as an asexual; I'm a hetero-romantic, but the appeal is mostly aesthetic. I've always thought that maybe someone would come along and it would work out. I've had various relationships, some lasting for some years, but they've all ended without me really understanding why, and often painfully. In retrospect it is all deeply embarrassing that I didn't understand the situation, but that's the way it was, so I'm pleased to hear that someone else made a similar error. Not that any woman was ever honest and said what she was really concerned about, but then maybe the idea of someone being asexual is so far from the mainstream that they took it as a lack of interest in them, or some sort of male self-centredness. I'm doing my best not to become embittered, but I am getting more isolated from people as I haven't really got any way of transforming my situation.

 

I don't think that many people my age have any idea about asexuality. I commonly wear a baseball cap with the asexual flag on it, nobody has ever commented on it and I can't imagine they regard it as more than the sort of random decoration that is endemic on clothing these days.

 

I hope that for younger people these matters are more openly discussed and understood as that will make for more honest relationships. My feeling is that physicality, intimacy and pleasure are major issues for asexuals, and those points have got to be faced up to. Sorry, I'm starting to ramble. 

Welcome! :cake: We seem to have had a fairly similar set of experiences. A little depressing when seen from the perspective of hindsight, but I'm not really complaining. As you say, awareness of asexuality is much greater now (it couldn't be less) than in our youth. But that knowledge will bring different challenges. Would I have liked to know at 16/17 that I was in a quite small minority, and that my chances of meeting a like-minded individual were very low indeed? This was before the internet, so connecting with and finding similar people was so much harder. So perhaps the shrinking of the world and increased asexuality-awareness coming at the same time is a good thing. A youngster recently asked the question of the 'anyone over 50 here' group - "what does my future hold". I'm not sure I'd have liked to have known the answer to that 40 years ago.

 

I'm potentially quite a (hetero) romantic old soul. I live alone and do suffer bouts of mild loneliness from time to time. But that's a considerably better situation than living in an unhappy relationship. So I don't complain. Sometimes I have to put on my happy face. But most of the time, I'm just happy (in the accepting my lot, sort of way). :D    

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StupidDream

Earlier this year I came across the term.  I'm 33.  Always knew I was a bit unusual like when I was a teenager, and the time came to have sex with a very willing partner and my brain just said "mmmmm, nope!"...  She was most put out and I was a bit confused!!!

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wulfgar83

I think that I was 22 or 23 when I discovered what asexuality was which was about 11 years ago given my join date to this site. I saw the segment done on 20/20 way back then and researched the term and found this site. I almost can't believe that I've known about it for that long.

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Acing It

I was 42.

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Moonchaser

I realized at the age of 52, in 2009. I came across something speculating that H. P. Lovecraft might have been asexual. I had never seen that term used in that context before, and I immediately went on a web search. Realized I'm a hetero-romantic Ace.

 

By then I'd been married for 25 years. 

 

But in retrospect I think I suspected something was off when I was a child, before I really knew much about the birds and the bees. I just knew then that while I was interested in motherhood, I wasn't interested in the means. All through my marriage, until I learned the term for it, we both wondered what was up with my lack of interest in sex. I thought it was low libido, but I realize now it doesn't really have to do with libido. I do have a libido, just not much of one, and I have no interest in sex.

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lux aeterna
5 hours ago, Moonchaser said:

I realized at the age of 52, in 2009. I came across something speculating that H. P. Lovecraft might have been asexual. I had never seen that term used in that context before, and I immediately went on a web search. Realized I'm a hetero-romantic Ace.

 

By then I'd been married for 25 years. 

 

But in retrospect I think I suspected something was off when I was a child, before I really knew much about the birds and the bees. I just knew then that while I was interested in motherhood, I wasn't interested in the means. All through my marriage, until I learned the term for it, we both wondered what was up with my lack of interest in sex. I thought it was low libido, but I realize now it doesn't really have to do with libido. I do have a libido, just no interest in sex.

But doesn't libido mean "having an interest in sex?"

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Guest
8 minutes ago, Deus Ex Infinity said:

37

:o  YAY!!!! i'm not the only one who discovered their asexuality in their thirties XD *Does happy dance with you*

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arekathevampyre

17/18 i think . 

But again ,  way before that age , I didn't have any feel for this sex/romo thing only squishes until 17 or something , the squishes stopped , leaving me with aesthetics appreciation/attraction (no romo) . 

 

so yay ! Realised I was aro ace and agender (found out about agenderism at around 18 - again no feel for this gender thing long before that age) around the late teens period . Happy :)

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
Just now, Jayce said:

:o  YAY!!!! i'm not the only one who discovered their asexuality in their thirties XD *Does happy dance with you*

oO you too? How old are you if you don't mind my asking? I'm curious now

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Guest
1 minute ago, Deus Ex Infinity said:

oO you too? How old are you if you don't mind my asking? I'm curious now

I'm 36 :P 

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
3 minutes ago, Jayce said:

I'm 36 :P 

Cool! Finally someone around my age *high 5*

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Guest
Just now, Deus Ex Infinity said:

Cool! Finally someone around my age *high 5*

I thought you were way younger :D:lol:   I'm surprised now :o  *high five right back at you*

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
7 minutes ago, Jayce said:

I thought you were way younger :D:lol:   I'm surprised now :o  *high five right back at you*

*raises one eyebrow* what's that suppose to mean? Compliment or insult? :P Am I acting so immature?

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Guest
1 minute ago, Deus Ex Infinity said:

*raises one eyebrow* what's that suppose to mean? Compliment or insult? :P Am I acting so immature?

It's a compliment you cute dark thing you :D *covers you with fluffy unicorns and rainbows*   :P 

 

*Runs before she starts growling at me again*

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
6 minutes ago, Jayce said:

It's a compliment you cute dark thing you :D *covers you with fluffy unicorns and rainbows*   :P 

 

*Runs before she starts growling at me again*

*lets out a deep deep resignated heavy sigh trying to free herself from that bunch of unicorns and other corny stuff again*

 

You'll never change either you crazy little demon. Our first real encounter will be legendary *loool*

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Guest
Just now, Deus Ex Infinity said:

*lets out a deep deep resignated heavy sigh trying to free herself from that bunch of unicorns and other corny stuff again*

 

You'll never change either you crazy little demon. Our first real encounter will be legendary *loool*

:lol:  bring it! *noms on popcorn watching you sigh and growl*

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Kimmie.

I can remember the first time i heard of it. But i found out more about what is was around 1,5 years ago. so i was 27 when i decided it did fit me. I am now 29.

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Sage Raven Domino

I was about 25.

 

6 hours ago, lux aeterna said:

But doesn't libido mean "having an interest in sex?"

As far as I understand the way the term 'libido' is used on AVEN, it means just the tendency to sometimes experience the psychological and/or physiological symptoms of what the general population calls 'sexual' arousal in (possibly unconscious) response to an external stimulus (not necessarily human). There are members who have the physiological symptoms but neither masturbate nor have sex - have the symptoms but do nothing to 'address' them.

 

Besides, masturbation is not always a simulation of sex - it's a separate experience (quite a selfish one :P ) that happens to involve the same body parts. I'm one of those who like to masturbate a lot, but I don't like to contact with anyone's genitals (incl. my own) if I'm not alone, or at least, I like the latter less because the social aspect of sex is a minus to me that spoils the experience, not a plus.

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dragon_nerd

I heard of asexuality when I was 14 but didn't understand what it meant until I was 16

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Quasar.w

18.5 years (almost 3 years ago now)

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