How old were you when you found asexuality?

[LeChat]

3 minutes ago, will123 said:

Very true. There have been questions from younger aces about how the lives of us older aces have gone. I'm guessing they were wonder once the identify as asexual how life will go... 

 Yes. That sounds understandable. For some, learning about asexuality at a younger age might result in continuing questions about oneself, about the rest of their life.

[daveb]

@JSonly, welcome and  !

 

That does sound difficult, being in such a long term marriage and trying to figure out how to navigate these revelations and realizations and how they might impact relationships. I don't have any ideas on how to do that, and can only offer best wishes!

[JSonly]

2 hours ago, will123 said:

Learning about asexuality made so much sense. Up to that point I just thought a person was straight, gay or bi. I had never heard anything about someone being completely uninterested in sex.

I had heard the term before, but wasn't aware of exactly what it was.  Now I am trying to learn, but still find it a bit confusing. 

 

 

[will123]

5 hours ago, JSonly said:

I had heard the term before, but wasn't aware of exactly what it was.  Now I am trying to learn, but still find it a bit confusing. 

 

 

My only reference to it was high school biology in the 70s.

[Nonstop Reader]

On 12/1/2024 at 10:09 AM, JSonly said:

I don't like sex at all, don't like kissing, and always viewed it as obligatory. But I feel like something is wrong with me because I dislike sex.  I've had sex that I did not want to have for 40 years now, and I just want to be done.

That sounds incredibly difficult. But there us nothing wrong with you in not liking or wanting sex. There are lots of us who feel that way, and you've found some of them here. Welcome!

 

I'm a few weeks behind, so you may have already poked around the boards and read the many AVEN FAQs. If not, I'd definitely recommend those. I found them helpful in figuring out I was a heteroromantic asexual over a year ago. Thankfully my husband of 17 years was confused, but supportive, and knowing that I am asexual has helped us communicate better about the differing amounts of sex we wanted and had been in conflict about for nearly our entire marriage. 

[Allport]

I finally got around to writing this, sorry about the length. I hope someone finds it useful.

 

Memoir of an Asexual

 

It was when I was about 60 that my friend S suggested to me that I might be asexual. I’d not heard the term before, but looked it up and found Aven, which proved very informative. The idea hung around for several years while I considered the matter, in the background as it were, before I decided that S was right. Having got the concept of asexuality, a lot of things in my past fell into place; people seemed to have behaved slightly more rationally rather than erratically, and I started to understand the real contexts of relationships for the first time. It was and remains a deeply embarrassing process. How can I have missed such a simple although subtle definition? If I have a view of myself, it is as an intellectual agent, and in this I have utterly failed. All that consoles me is this thread on Aven, “How old were you when you found asexuality?”  Pages and pages of older people admit to being late in making the same discovery, and admitting their regrets about that, and noting the grief that could have been saved by knowing earlier.

Of course, that could have been quite possible. Between 1948 and 1953, when I was one year old, Kinsey published his studies of human sexuality, noting a general figure of 1% who might now be considered to be asexual. This was of course ignored by the allosexuals, and we were left to languish until the turn of the century when Aven was set up. It is only through the power of the Internet that a relatively small, widely-distributed group has been able to recognise itself. The 1% figure does seem to have held though.

I have always been aware of being at the low end on the scale of sexual interest, but I totally misjudged the general level of sexual engagement in the population. From my perspective, sexual activity referenced in media just appeared grossly exaggerated, as usual exaggeration to make money – which is undoubtedly true; but I could not grasp people’s actual level of sex drive and desire. One reason for this is the “allosexual wall” that goes up between a person’s presentation and their actual desires; I may be speaking about a certain now-historical period here, but in all my years no woman before S has ever complained to me about my sexual performance and low sexual interest; rather they have drifted away or got irritated about something supposedly unrelated. The male ego must not be dented, it seems. And there seems to be the expectation amongst women that men will find them overwhelmingly attractive and that will fire physical passion. Sorry, it was never going to happen with me; the lack of sexual attraction is the defining feature of asexuality. When I was younger I could keep up with some sexual activity, but always risked losing interest or preferring just to go to sleep! Later the whole exercise became ever more meaningless. 

You won’t find any agreement about the causes of asexuality, on Aven for example, so here’s my two pence worth specifically about myself. It was in my 50s that I detected certain weaknesses with my sense of smell and taste. Specifically I took R to a wine-tasting in Huddersfield; not really my thing but I was supporting the husband of a colleague who was a Master of Wine. I discovered that people were reporting flavours that I could not detect, in fact all I could detect were the wines like Shiraz that I had homed-in on over the years. This remained a mere observation for some years, but as I started to look around for an explanation of asexuality I found references to animal sexuality that seemed to depend on Josephson’s organ in the nose – as well as references to asexual farm animals, a useful cross-species confirmation. Josephson’s organ is classed as vestigial in humans, that may be an unresearched assertion as is popular with supposed experts, or maybe it is correct and there are some cues mixed in with the normal range of smell perceptions and perhaps not even perceived as explicit smells or directly-perceived sexual attractants; for example, hormonal teenagers have just a sort of soggy, wet smell to me. Certainly I have never liked the smell of people, and I dislike the smell of men more than that of women; in relationships I just seem to get de-sensitised to it after a while. So my feeling is that some form of selective sense of smell deficiency is the root of my asexuality. This is made more likely because my father was a congenital anosmic; maybe the cause was genetic and I never got certain genes needed for male perceptions. Indeed, maybe he was an asexual as well; who knows what relationship issues he was masking. There is some slight evidence that his father may have been anosmic too, as he was gassed several times during World War 1, not an experience that most people would have been keen to repeat. 

There never seemed to be much of a physical relationship between my parents; obviously at that time it would have been hidden from me, but my mother was pretty keen to resort to twin beds at an early stage. And at the end of the war there was a shortage of men to fulfil the traditional provider role, so the marriage may not have been based on physical attraction but more practical factors.

My theory of my asexuality flies in the face of that built up by others, that asexuality is just another sexual orientation like hetero- or homo-sexuality and needs to be recognised as such. I’ve never really grasped how the lack of a sexual orientation can be considered as a sexual orientation. My theory leaves open the possibility that it is a disability in my case. I’m sure that this suggestion would not be popular with Aven.

I’m one of the smaller asexual sub-groups, the hetero-aesthetics, who are attracted by appearance. I’ve always been a sucker for a pretty face or attractive voice, a disastrous situation as of course appearance gives no indication of what is inside someone’s head. Indeed, a couple of my early relationships would now be regarded as abusive towards me. And it’s mostly facial appearance for me; I do not follow the tits-and-bums allosexual stereotype. I tend to sympathise with a woman with a large bust because of the inconvenience, and anyone carrying too much weight makes me think just of unpleasant general sweatiness.

Another complicating factor in my own background was once mentioned to me by my father. My parents had an agreement that my mother would care for me until age seven, and then he would take over. Where did such an idea come from? Some crazy 1950s child-rearing manual? Certainly it did not relate to their own experiences of being brought up in larger families, but they were both basically Edwardians, so I’ve no idea what other influences were present. Anyway, the arrangement broke down, and I was left with what I suppose was a long-term form of separation anxiety, again deeply embarrassing in retrospect. For a long period I felt that there was a sort of invisible wall between me and other people regarding touch, and it resulted in a breakdown in my twenties. I had some help then, but it was never sufficiently analytical or informed to really understand my problems, because asexuality was not recognised. I remember walking out of a consultation in disgust down a passageway, and deciding that I had to take control and re-base myself. Later they turned that passageway into a room, and now the building is gone. A doctor later said to me that I seemed to have found some sort of personal compromise. He was right.

This experience has formed my own ideas about child-rearing, which I’m sure are not original and maybe they are even mainstream in some circles. I believe that the parents must seek to identify with the child, to stand alongside them as it were, not to be onlookers. Life is like rowing, where you can’t see where you are going and the harder you work the more the risk of disaster. Parents can provide the essential look-ahead, as they have experienced life and can be at the ear of the child. It’s a delicate balance, to negotiate the respect of the child without being dogmatic or prescriptive. Maybe I’m being a bit naïve as you can never tell how any child will turn out or respond to you. Now I’ll never know. But all I can remember from my mother is her once saying, “It’s not supposed to be like this” and then clamming-up. But as her only advice about women was never to touch or disturb their hair, maybe that was for the best.

After over a decade of accepted asexuality I feel pretty mixed about it. The important thing is to know yourself, and many of my difficulties came from not achieving that until so late. I feel left out at one level, but more distant from the allosexuals and their priorities as well. The way they treat each other is often repellent, forming so-called loving bonds and then trashing each others’ lives and the lives of their children, who presumably go forward to repeat the cycle. Why can’t they just cool things off and stay acquainted? My feeling is that the latter is the more asexual way. But if you have to maintain the “allosexual wall” the alternative of going a little crazy and swearing never to meet ever again is the more likely possibility. I’ve often been told that sexual attraction provides quite a thrill to bring people together, but often wears off in a year or two, by which time people have to have developed a more soundly-based relationship – one that the asexual perhaps seeks to establish from the first. And the evidence of societies such as Iceland shows that we are dealing with a destructive social convention, that says sexual attraction is an integral part of all attraction. Modern Icelanders seem to be able to separate sexual attraction from relationships pretty easily.

More generally, how is my relationship with other people? One tends to get more cynical, even embittered, as one’s life experience accumulates, and the experience of capitalist society in its neoliberal period is pretty nasty – although that’s for a different essay. Mostly I can feign sociability to some degree, but don’t really understand other people, or what makes them tick, or what the point of it all is. The fundamental problem that the asexual faces is seeking connection and intimacy in an allosexual world where most people believe the only route to that is via physical sexuality.  I’m not unhappy, but I don’t really do joy; I’m reminded of descriptions of the affect of girls who have been subjected to FGM. Undoubtedly my asexuality has contributed to all this; having been on the other side of a sort of glass wall for most of my life, living in parallel to most people and playing roles that were “caring” without being understood yourself is a deeply screwed-up experience. What has been sobering though is the amount of support I have received from a few friends during a recent medical emergency. It gives me reason to dwell on people’s behaviour rather than become too dogmatic. That can’t be a bad thing.

So, my distilled life experience in under 2000 words. I hope someone finds it useful.

 

Allport
November 2024
 

[will123]

@Allport Finding out about asexuality in my 40s and romanticism in my 50s after signing up here, is a double edged sword to me. Yes it would've saved me some grief (literally and figuratively) had I known I wasn't straight and/or the idea of me having sex was highly improbable. On the other hand, I wouldn't have a few enduring friendships, one being someone that Ive known since we were teens.

 

In fact when I came out to her, some of her response was similar to what you say about the oversatuation of sexual imagery.

 

We spent a lot of time together back in the day but I never tried to initiate anything.

 

"C I'm asexual and still a virgin, nor have ever had a girlfriend or boyfriend"

 

She thought about it for a few moments before saying, 'It's OK, the world is so oversexed, not everyone fits in.' I was so happy and gave her a big hug. I was really unsure how she would react. I had come out to a few other friends, but she was probably the most 'unsettled' and only single person I had told.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Allport]

18 hours ago, will123 said:

@Allport Finding out about asexuality in my 40s and romanticism in my 50s after signing up here, is a double edged sword to me. Yes it would've saved me some grief (literally and figuratively) had I known I wasn't straight and/or the idea of me having sex was highly improbable. On the other hand, I wouldn't have a few enduring friendships, one being someone that Ive known since we were teens.

 

In fact when I came out to her, some of her response was similar to what you say about the oversatuation of sexual imagery.

 

We spent a lot of time together back in the day but I never tried to initiate anything.

 

"C I'm asexual and still a virgin, nor have ever had a girlfriend or boyfriend"

 

She thought about it for a few moments before saying, 'It's OK, the world is so oversexed, not everyone fits in.' I was so happy and gave her a big hug. I was really unsure how she would react. I had come out to a few other friends, but she was probably the most 'unsettled' and only single person I had told.

 

@wll123:  Thanks for posting your reaction and personal story. I had started to wonder if anyone was going to read mine at all!

[Aha]

I found out .....yesterday?  Between 63 and 64, so to speak? No, I found out yesterday, that I am not alone. Since ten years i practice "no sex-partner"at all", but I have always felt, that my longing for so called common sexual relationships was very small. Maybe because I am highly sensitive.

People are very traditional here and regard  a certain frequency in sexual intercourse as normal. That was especially when I was in my "heydays". I fought my way decently through so called normality and even had a very good marriage. I was lucky to meet a sensitive man whom I lost after five years due to cancer. By the way, my profile picture is my wedding portrait to remember the one and only man who respected my needs in a long relationship. And by the way:

Who the hell is supposed to say what is normal?

Why is big business still allowed to prime peoples sexual approach by commercials and advertising? 

I think "sex-sells" is the most negligible slogan.

 

 

Edited January 13, 2025 by Aha
Adding thoughts

[will123]

@Aha welcome to AVEN!

[daveb]

@Aha, welcome and  !

 

That is great that you had such a good marriage with such a compatible partner. Sad that you lost your husband to cancer. My condolences about that.

[Aha]

On 1/14/2025 at 3:46 AM, daveb said:

@Aha, welcome and  !

 

That is great that you had such a good marriage with such a compatible partner. Sad that you lost your husband to cancer. My condolences about that.

Thank you so much daveb. Also thank you all for your warm welcome!

[DuckDuckGrace]

Early in my twenties I thought I was a lesbian and that was why I never had s*x with men. My family joked "Maybe that is why you are so asexual?" and that was the first time I realized I was much less interested than the average person. Dated women but didn't like the sexual side, yet I loved my girlfriends. After a failed marriage to a man (suppressed women and s*x and everything in my head to have a normal life with a house and potentially kids) I refused to have sex with, he found another woman to have fun with and after I learned of the cheating I filed for divorce. The cheating hurt me more than the actual act of him doing that with someone else.

 

I confided in my friends about what happened, and those who were ace, or closeted ace, told me that relationships became so much easier for them once they were upfront about it. So I came out as Demisexual, then got an ace ring, then started meeting 100% ace folks, and I felt so safe. I feel asexual now, not even demisexual if I am honest, and I openly talk about it with people. So this was maybe a 5 year process? However, it's a huge feeling of relief. Throw into the fact that I am a health freak and can't imagine getting an STD, so that helps me as well because I was crazy about getting everyone tested for everything under the sun before doing anything.

 

I regret getting married and believing him that he can "live without s*x" because that was a lie. I regret being older and not knowing about asexuality until recently. I regret feeling like I have left the Lesbian community because I am "ace" now. And a part of me still wonders..."why" and if this is from trauma or what. Lots of questions in my head, but at least things are getting much clearer.

[will123]

@DuckDuckGrace When I found out about asexuality, it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

[Guest]

48 but knew without language for much much longer.  I have been exploring my emotions concerning attraction for the past few years.  I'm sad and relieved to discover the intricacies of my attraction reality.  I first thought I was lesbian because the thought of being sexual with men repulsed me (I wondered why I always zoned out when with a male partner in that way).  I quickly realised that the thought of being intimate with a female didn't appeal but didn't repulse me which added a further layer of confusion.  I realised that the thought of kissing and hugging anyone I feel a connection with regardless of their gender very much appeals to me, I miss it deeply, although I have never kissed a female so that could change if I meet someone. Confused.com. I hated the fact that affection was always a stepping stone to actions that disgust me yet I felt trapped to please the other person because I cared for them. 

 

My mum has been great with my coming outs, lesbian then asexual.  My understanding of myself at the moment is panromantic asexual.  I'm trying to be positive but feel everything and everyone is so sexual that my romantic actions will be labelled as being a "tease" as they were when I was a teen.  I have joined an ACE group on meet up though so I'm trying even though it's HUGELY out of my comfort zone.  I'm more of a one to one kind of person.... 🙂

[Henrietta W]

Hello 

I'm almost 65 and found out I'm asexuell about 6 mouth ago.

I have been married 3 timmes and have had lot of boyfriends and always felt like I'm broken.

Can't understand why everybody talk of sexual feelings, it have always been like that so I'm pretty sure I have been asexual all my life.

For the first time I feel free and not broken.

 

[Siphoner]

I was in college so....was in my early 20s. Found this site when googling. 

 

Then forgot about it for the longest time. And now I finally came back and I'm hoping to stay this time 🍰

[Tyke]

6 hours ago, Siphoner said:

I was in college so....was in my early 20s. Found this site when googling. 

 

Then forgot about it for the longest time. And now I finally came back and I'm hoping to stay this time 🍰

Welcome back! Do stick around this time.

[Gen of the Trees]

I was 48 and I discovered it after my daughter mentioned it one day (she said one of her friends thought she was asexual).  I looked it up, found AVEN, and had the proverbial "aha!" moment.

 

That was 5 years ago and I'm still coming to terms with it.  I'm really, really glad to know I'm not broken and no longer have to spend a bunch of energy, time, and emotion trying to fix myself!

 

After my divorce, someday when/if I am ready to date again, I will have the information I need to make choices that work for me and who I really am.

[Nonstop Reader]

On 3/4/2025 at 6:08 PM, Gen of the Trees said:

After my divorce, someday when/if I am ready to date again, I will have the information I need to make choices that work for me and who I really am.

Yes. This

[raven4]

It was about 3 years ago now. So early thirties. 

I was going on dates with allos and wouldn't go beyond a third date because I realised I wasn't comfortable being sexual with them. Im on the ace dating sites but not found anyone near or compatible. It's hard 😔

[Tyke]

23 minutes ago, raven4 said:

It was about 3 years ago now. So early thirties. 

I was going on dates with allos and wouldn't go beyond a third date because I realised I wasn't comfortable being sexual with them. Im on the ace dating sites but not found anyone near or compatible. It's hard 😔

It is hard, if only because the pool is so much smaller. But I'd take solace in the knowledge that you know who you are and what you are looking for. That's so much better informed than many of us were at your age. You'll be fine, in time. Good luck!

[Guest]

I found out about asexuality when I was 16 or 17, but learning about it was only a confirmation of something I knew deep down; I'd registered that there was a difference in the way I perceived sex and relationships long before that. At the time it was such a relief, knowing that there were other people who felt the way I did, that I wasn't just some lone "weirdo"--especially as a teen when the pressure to form romantic and sexual relationships really started in full force.

[skeetz56]

I was in my late 50s. Most of my life I thought something was wrong with me or I hadn't found the right partner, leading to many bad choices.

[Tyke]

2 hours ago, skeetz56 said:

I was in my late 50s. Most of my life I thought something was wrong with me or I hadn't found the right partner, leading to many bad choices.

I was late 50s too. On reflection I've decided that my life-choices were just uninformed. I never thought there was anything wrong with me (there isn't, of course) but nor did I question why my life was taking so much of a different route to others around me. Goodness knows why. It's all so obvious in retrospect.

[will123]

1 hour ago, Tyke said:

I was late 50s too. On reflection I've decided that my life-choices were just uninformed. I never thought there was anything wrong with me (there isn't, of course) but nor did I question why my life was taking so much of a different route to others around me. Goodness knows why. It's all so obvious in retrospect.

It's nice to read that someone else felt the same. I never 'looked into' why I wasn't interested in sex and only 'dated' a few times. If I hadn't seen that newspaper article back in 2005, I doubt I'd be any more knowledgeable today. I have seen only a couple of 'passing' comments about asexuality since then. How did you find out about asexuality?

[Tyke]

1 hour ago, will123 said:

How did you find out about asexuality?

Quite a long time ago (2010? Earlier?) I read an article in a weekend paper magazine section (Observer or Sunday Times) and thought it might apply to my brother, so I saved it. A few years later I wondered if I'd got the wrong sibling....

[will123]

8 hours ago, Tyke said:

Quite a long time ago (2010? Earlier?) I read an article in a weekend paper magazine section (Observer or Sunday Times) and thought it might apply to my brother, so I saved it. A few years later I wondered if I'd got the wrong sibling....

In my case it was on the weekly 'lifestyle' section that was in the Wednesday edition of one of the Toronto papers. Usually the topics were random and not specific to current events (sometimes seasonal though). In any case it led me to checking out AVEN (mentioned in the article) and the rest is history.

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/8327-montreal-gazette-article-about-asexuality-mentions-aven/

 

(for those view via a smartphone)

[raven4]

On 3/8/2025 at 10:23 PM, Tyke said:

It is hard, if only because the pool is so much smaller. But I'd take solace in the knowledge that you know who you are and what you are looking for. That's so much better informed than many of us were at your age. You'll be fine, in time. Good luck!

Thank you! Hopefully I can meet someone. 

[Gaia.]

I am in my 60s and have always wondered why I was not attracted to sex or kissing at first thought I might be gay but neither sex does anything for me, I have friendships but that’s all I want.im glad I have a name for it now