I hate being a late bloomer

[butterflydreams]

Though I guess "late bloomer" implies that I bloomed, just later than everyone else. I still haven't really bloomed.

 

I feel really awkward and upset when I look at the stats of things. Mostly about the ages people typically experience certain things. I guess I'm still "young" by most standards, but I really don't feel it. I'm almost 30 (will be in just over a year) and I've never even kissed anyone  

 

When you ask people about it, there's this kind of expectation that "of course you'll bloom someday" which is easy for them to say, especially if they've already bloomed themselves. I know I have "a lot of life left to live" but if it's going to be more of the same, count me out. I don't want any part of that. I just wish I knew that there was some kind of end in sight to this. So I could feel normal, even though I'm already well beyond that.

[Ricki]

Spoiler

 

 

Don't worry about it, supposedly "late bloomers" enjoy/get more satisfaction than those that do it early or "on time". 

You might not be going as far as wanting sex here, but you can take some of her points in the video and apply them elsewhere. 

Keep your chin up!

[fuzzipueo]

One of the things I've come to realize as I get older is that expectations of certain things happening by a certain age are pretty much overrated. I've never kissed anyone (except by an over enthusiastic niece). Never held hands (except with said niece). Never done all the things people seem to expect to do by a certain age. And things that do happen, happen when they happen.

 

Take things as they come and enjoy yourself in the meantime.

[butterflydreams]

Sadly, it was her video that sort of started my thoughts on this. I love Dr. Doe, but I can't help but feel like she's seriously lacking in a real understanding of what it's like. What did she say...something about being with like 3 people who'd never been with anyone before? 3 whole people, over any time frame, is a level of abundance I have never known in my whole life, and don't expect to.

 

Edited to add: Are there any strategies for "enjoying myself in the meantime"?

[Ricki]

Just now, Hadley167 said:

Sadly, it was her video that sort of started my thoughts on this. I love Dr. Doe, but I can't help but feel like she's seriously lacking in a real understanding of what it's like. What did she say...something about being with like 3 people who'd never been with anyone before? 3 whole people, over any time frame, is a level of abundance I have never known in my whole life, and don't expect to.

Well that's unfortunate.

And you have to realise that she is talking as someone who is obviously passionate about all things sex related. I don't know you well enough to give personalised advice, but if you put yourself out there more and more then you will be more likely to find someone you are compatible with. It is why confident people are successful. And the more you try, the better you'll get at it.

[Guest]

I don't understand... "blooming" means kissing someone?

[butterflydreams]

"Late bloomer" is a kind of generic term for someone whose skills, talents or capabilities aren't recognized until later in life than average. So if most people who get a college degree do it in their early 20s, someone who waits and is really successful at it in their late 30s might be considered a late bloomer. Or more relevant to my interests, if most people have some kind of romantic/sexual experience by the time they're in their early 20s, someone who hasn't had that in their late 20s or beyond might be considered a late bloomer.

 

There are not generally any judgements made about whether being a late bloomer in some regard is good or bad. It's usually just a statistical fact, but people can and do sometimes feel bad for being "behind" in things.

[Fox6]

1 hour ago, Hadley167 said:

When you ask people about it, there's this kind of expectation that "of course you'll bloom someday" which is easy for them to say, especially if they've already bloomed themselves. I know I have "a lot of life left to live" but if it's going to be more of the same, count me out. I don't want any part of that. I just wish I knew that there was some kind of end in sight to this. So I could feel normal, even though I'm already well beyond that.

You should consider that you may be overrating sexuality. Most people are sexually active, yet they get depressed.

 

1 hour ago, Hadley167 said:

Sadly, it was her video that sort of started my thoughts on this. I love Dr. Doe, but I can't help but feel like she's seriously lacking in a real understanding of what it's like. What did she say...something about being with like 3 people who'd never been with anyone before? 3 whole people, over any time frame, is a level of abundance I have never known in my whole life, and don't expect to.

The enjoyment of sex is not measured by the number of partners.

[fuzzipueo]

1 hour ago, Hadley167 said:

Sadly, it was her video that sort of started my thoughts on this. I love Dr. Doe, but I can't help but feel like she's seriously lacking in a real understanding of what it's like. What did she say...something about being with like 3 people who'd never been with anyone before? 3 whole people, over any time frame, is a level of abundance I have never known in my whole life, and don't expect to.

 

Edited to add: Are there any strategies for "enjoying myself in the meantime"?

Don't tie yourself to goals society seems to think important. What's important to you? What do you want to happen? Go out and do those things and try to enjoy yourself while you're at it.

[Mezzo Forte]

*hugs*

I don't know if you'd call me a late bloomer, since I had relationships in high school, but the touch got no more intense than chaste kissing. Regardless, I get what it's like to look at something in your life and think "I should be farther along by now," and that can be a really potent thought to let stew. (I've mostly seen it in relationship to my music though.)

 

The thing that's tough about worrying over romance/sex-related stuff is that there's stuff genuinely outside of your control. I feel utterly powerless trying to perk people up who are longing for romance. I think you're doing some of the right things, going on dates and whatnot, but some of that is definitely luck of the draw. (I recently read something on here where someone suggested fishing with a wider net, particularly in regards to geographic location, but I don't know how much you're willing or have already tried that.) 

 

You've only spent so long living as your authentic self, so I feel like the "I'm almost 30 and haven't done this yet" is pretty understandable. Plus, the thought "I'm almost 30" tends to lead to a lot of worries regarding what you have and haven't done in your life, because that starts to hit the arbitrary "older" range in society's eyes for some reason. It probably doesn't mean much, but I think you're going at a good pace, and I hope you find someone you click with sooner rather than later  

[FlaafyTaffy]

15-19 is considered normal time frames for this stuff? That seems so young.

[butterflydreams]

1 hour ago, Fox6 said:

You should consider that you may be overrating sexuality. Most people are sexually active, yet they get depressed.

Maybe there aren't a lot of examples of well-adjusted late bloomers on this stuff. Plus, any time they do show up, it seems like they get derided. Feature length films have been produced on this premise. We're something to be made fun of, and no one seems to question it.

 

1 hour ago, Fox6 said:

The enjoyment of sex is not measured by the number of partners.

No, I know. But it requires at least one.

 

1 hour ago, MangoBanana said:

15-19 is considered normal time frames for this stuff? That seems so young.

It's in line with other numbers I've heard cited. At the end of the day, these kinds of statistics are hard to gather because the parameters are poorly defined, or poorly understood by the subjects. I've often heard the narrower range of 17-19 as well. As with all things like this, I'm sure it's a bell curve distribution.

 

1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I recently read something on here where someone suggested fishing with a wider net, particularly in regards to geographic location, but I don't know how much you're willing or have already tried that.

Oh believe me, I have. I've reached out to people online who are hours away from me. Just with the hope of being able to start anything. 

 

1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

You've only spent so long living as your authentic self, so I feel like the "I'm almost 30 and haven't done this yet" is pretty understandable.

I wish I could find more specific information on this, because it's clearly a phenomenon that exists and isn't just in my head. I heard one person refer to it as "Queer Time". Which is that by the very nature of who and what we are and the unique challenges we face in this area, we're on much different timelines from people who aren't queer. (I don't self-identify as queer, in fact, I hate that term, but that's just what I heard it called.)

 

I can deal with the situation that is. I can keep working on myself. I can keep learning and doing new things that interest me. But at the end of the day, I need to have some kind of hope that this part of my life will change and get better, because I don't want this to be how I am forever. If I don't have that hope then it's all over.

[Sherlocks]

3 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

Though I guess "late bloomer" implies that I bloomed, just later than everyone else. I still haven't really bloomed.

I feel really awkward and upset when I look at the stats of things. Mostly about the ages people typically experience certain things. I guess I'm still "young" by most standards, but I really don't feel it. I'm almost 30 (will be in just over a year) and I've never even kissed anyone  

 

When you ask people about it, there's this kind of expectation that "of course you'll bloom someday" which is easy for them to say, especially if they've already bloomed themselves. I know I have "a lot of life left to live" but if it's going to be more of the same, count me out. I don't want any part of that. I just wish I knew that there was some kind of end in sight to this. So I could feel normal, even though I'm already well beyond that.

 

 

If you are so determined to kiss someone why dont you just go find someone and ask them? In highschool people use to kiss at truth or dare games. Maybe find someone at random be like "I would like a good snogging, lets have at it. 20$ if you dont go tell anyone about it". You know something like that. Maybe go find someone at a bar you fancy. Ive kissed a lot of people in my life. 

[NothingHereToSee]

Think of it less as being a late bloomer and more of it as someone's who's forging their own path. 

[Mezzo Forte]

1 hour ago, Hadley167 said:

I wish I could find more specific information on this, because it's clearly a phenomenon that exists and isn't just in my head. I heard one person refer to it as "Queer Time". Which is that by the very nature of who and what we are and the unique challenges we face in this area, we're on much different timelines from people who aren't queer. (I don't self-identify as queer, in fact, I hate that term, but that's just what I heard it called.)

 

I can deal with the situation that is. I can keep working on myself. I can keep learning and doing new things that interest me. But at the end of the day, I need to have some kind of hope that this part of my life will change and get better, because I don't want this to be how I am forever. If I don't have that hope then it's all over.

I'm not surprised that someone coined a term like that, since there's so many layers of self-discovery that make things more confusing if you're anything other than what's seen as the 'default,' and I think being trans, we get pushed onto an even stranger timeline. 

 

I don't know if it helps, but maybe you can channel the way you're working on yourself into looking at these prospects as more of a long term thing. Everything you do is going to build, and it's likely going to help you independently of finding a partner, so maybe seeing your own personal growth can be the way to enjoy the journey.

 

It's not really the same thing, but I find that truly emotionally fulfilling friendships are rare for me, and having someone fill that role and be physically in my life is even rarer; yet just last August, one of my friendships became exactly that almost overnight. The last time a friendship got so intense so fast, it actually ended really badly for me. There was a part of me that was scared the same thing would happen again, but I started feeling more secure in my friendship just by realizing how much better I know myself now compared to seven years ago. Sorry for the rambling and perhaps being a bit annoyingly optimistic, but perhaps everything you're experiencing now will help prepare you for your future relationships  

[butterflydreams]

7 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

we get pushed onto an even stranger timeline.

I definitely feel like it. I feel like I'm learning stuff your average woman would've learned when she was 14. About what I like, or what I imagine I'd like. I do feel soooo bad about that though. I want to be that 14 year old with the freedom to figure stuff out, but I can't. I'm twice that age. I have all kinds of adult responsibilities.

 

10 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I don't know if it helps, but maybe you can channel the way you're working on yourself into looking at these prospects as more of a long term thing. Everything you do is going to build, and it's likely going to help you independently of finding a partner, so maybe seeing your own personal growth can be the way to enjoy the journey.

I've definitely tried this. I feel like people supporting me IRL aren't on the same page with it though. Because sometimes I can get myself to "this is all helping me and will lead to the inevitable result of finding myself with a loving partner." But people supporting me only see my distress in the immediate, and so they attempt to resolve that, instead of working with me on the long game. But their resolutions can't help me, because we're so different, and then I loose my fragile egg of hope.

 

I guess...previously, I never would've found a partner and been truly happy. If I had stayed on the path I was on, it would not have happened. But I changed my path.

[Busrider]

2 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

We're something to be made fun of, and no one seems to question it.

There is only one goal in life with critical timing: Laugh about yourself before others do! (<-yes, seriously!) 

I don't see an  advantage of teenage dabble dating over doing it at twice the age, besides maybe the catering. - But would it be really lovely to watch your mum doing her very best to slowly poison that ruffian you dared to drag home with muffins cookies and whatever served at a 20 minutes pace to make sure you aren't making out too wildly?

Now you can go at least at your own pace, have all means and telecommunication and everything at hand instead of maybe meeting each other each Wednesday afternoon. - I recall the 6 days between those were more than enough time to forget how boring the previous date felt.

[ranting ferret]

7 hours ago, Ricchan said:

  Hide contents

 

 

Don't worry about it, supposedly "late bloomers" enjoy/get more satisfaction than those that do it early or "on time". 

You might not be going as far as wanting sex here, but you can take some of her points in the video and apply them elsewhere. 

Keep your chin up!

was actually thinking of the exact same video!

it is hard to feel like you're the only one of left out in that respect. but maybe it's helpful to consider good reasons you haven't bloomed? nothing is being forced, either forced by you in order to have the experience or forcing someone else so that you can have the experience. it absolutely suck to not have a person to share these feelings, etc with. but commendable to wait and be wise. i hope you find the way you fit with it all.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Yay! Just think of it...you can now choose the things you want to bloom late in, rather than be pushed into anything because of having less life experience! 

[everywhere and nowhere]

An odd question: what is really meant by "late bloomer"?

Because physically I was developing extremely quickly. Start of breast and pubic hair development at 8 (it felt horrible for me and when I first heard about periods, I started crying). First period shortly before 11. No more kid-sized shoes at 10. No more height gain around 12. First baby tooth lost at 4, last at 9. From this point of view I'm unlikely to be a "late bloomer", yet I am ace and I admit my emotional development may have stayed behind.

[Decaf]

It seems odd in some ways that my 50s are the happiest time of my life.
I guess that's because the internet/google/ace community didn't exist for a large part of my adult life, so I blundered around making mistake after mistake.
It must be amazing to be 17 and know that you are OK...that everything is fine.

[artemisia]

Hadley, if you are a late bloomer, I am a late, late bloomer! Despite being in my late forties, I often feel like a child...a child with gray hairs and frown lines.