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Not sure if honesty about my asexuality will just cause too much hurt and confusion


maizealler

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For a while I have realised that I identify as asexual and heteroromantic. I’m a 32, female and have been in a long term relationship with a sexual man that I love deeply and have an active sex life with. We have loved each other since we were teenagers and share a deep and loving connection.

 

He says he finds me sexually attractive and I love that he likes me in this way because it’s a confidence boost and makes me feel wanted. I cannot return in a genuine way because I don’t find him, or any person, sexually attractive. So I keep up a pretence that I do have these lustful desires inside me that I cannot arouse for anyone of any gender, and I have tried. 

 

By conventional standards he is an attractive guy, I like that about him - he is nice to look at, and I want him to feel good in himself the way he makes me feel so I am tactile which I enjoy too, I also compliment his body and I initiate sex that I know I will not enjoy.  He already is aware that I'm not as into sex as he is but he has no idea to the extent. He is respectful and does not push if I say no. He does sometimes sulk a bit.

 

Sometimes he probes me and want’s to know who else I lust after,  he’s open about any attraction he feels towards other women/men as that is something that is OK in our relationship. He gets a bit irritated when I find it hard to think who I like. I could never understand either why even in my own mind I couldn’t think of anyone I wanted to have sex with. I think he might be reacting to a subconscious suspicion that I’m different in a way that he would not be comfortable with.

 

I enjoy about 60% of our most intimate & loving time together. Kissing, cuddling, and (limited) touch as I like those things with him as we have that closeness I just don't like sexual touching and on the rare occasion I do it's gone as soon as it turns into sex. 

 

I feel like I could go on without telling him but it bothers me that doing so would be dishonest. I don’t think it would threaten our relationship but I do think it would hurt him as he tells me it means a lot to him that I find him sexually attractive and that I enjoy making love with him the wants me to enjoy it. He puts the effort into himself and our intimate relationship. 

 

I would have no problem keeping up with the status quo, sex does not disgust me it just feels uncomfortable - I’m basically quite ambivalent. It just feels wrong that his perception is not the truth and I don’t want this wonderful, decent, honest guys experience of sex to be based on a lie when this is so important to him.

 

On the other hand, because I intend to keep up the status quo I strongly believe he would not want to end the relationship and knowing the truth would only hurt him, knock his confidence and confuse him because I continue to please him sexually, I do after all enjoy his happiness.

 

Does he have a right to know and if so what good can come of this?

It feel like a non-issue, the answer seems obvious - keep up the pretence - and yet I cannot shake this feeling he should know.

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21 minutes ago, maizealler said:

 

Sometimes he probes me and want’s to know who else I lust after,  he’s open about any attraction he feels towards other women/men as that is something that is OK in our relationship. I think he might be reacting to a subconscious suspicion that I’m different in a way that he would not be comfortable with.

Consider this: You tell him you find him sexually attractive when it isn't true. He senses that you don't entirely mean what you say, feels insecure, and assumes that it's just him you don't find attractive. Hence, he asks you who you are attracted to in order to confirm this suspicion. He also tells you whenever he's attracted to someone in an effort to promote the openness that would allow you to admit you don't find him attractive. For most allosexuals, romantic and sexual love are intrinsically linked. They can't imagine that someone could love them, without that love including sexual desire. A least, until you suggest it to them.

 

Bear in mind, this is just a theory. You know him, so you would know better than I would if this might be what's going on. If it is though, revealing that you're asexual might actually help a great deal, as it would reassure him that it isn't just him who you aren't attracted too. It may be difficult for him to wrap his head around at first, but in the long run, it probably won't change much, besides helping him feel more secure in your relationship.  

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He's probing you because his intuition can sense something.  I think you should tell him but you need to be confident in how you explain who you are to him.  You have to ensure that your love for him is the reason why you give him what he wants.  Which is something I warn everyone I'm dating.  I'll tell a guy, I'm not that sexual of a person no matter how sex you find me.  I can talk a good game, but in the end; sex is uncomfortable to me & sometimes unpleasing.  But if you're interested in me as a person & you prove who you are day to day; then giving you want you want, is certainly going to happen because my attention goes towards who is actually loving on me.  I feel that you are actually loving on him but you're uncertain that your ideas & feelings on sex will deter him from treating you the way he's always treated you.  That's a very strong possibility because when he finds out that you don't find him sexually attracted, he might want to get out.  People who are generally into sex, want to feel desired & lusted after.  Us asexuals have to fake it till we make it; even if it's an entire life of it.  Be prepared for everything that could possibly happen in that conversation & let him deal with it alone whenever he can't continue the conversation.  Hopefully he'll come back with questions & you can answer them.  Good luck.

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The longer you wait, the more hurt and confusion it will cause once he finds out.

 

I have yet to come across a couple for whom faking things did any good. Tell him. Do it yesterday.

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Well this has given me a lot to think about.

 

Thanks you all told me what I guess I already knew. 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 7/3/2017 at 1:42 AM, Homer said:

The longer you wait, the more hurt and confusion it will cause once he finds out.

 

I have yet to come across a couple for whom faking things did any good. Tell him. Do it yesterday.

Rigth! No matter what the reason is, then @maizealler is keeping information, which are important for her spouse, away from him.  This is quite close to deceiving and lying in my book. She migth have a good reason, but I still think it is wrong to 'play' with the deep feeling of your loved one! 

She likes him and she likes a lot of what they do, but it seems obvious that she really only has sex to keep him happy, and even against her own will. She does not like it. Say it out loud, and deal with it! (Easy to say, rigth!? I suck at taking these talks myself!)

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  • 4 weeks later...
Vincisomething

My $0.02 and personal opinion on it is that your partner should know who you are. Not because you're obligated to tell them, but they should accept who you truly are. If you feel like your partner is acephobic or doesn't think asexuality exists, that's not someone you should be with. On the other end, a good part of relationships are also based in trust and communication (and some other things, but that's the focus right now lol). Keeping things like that from your partner will make them feel like you don't trust them, especially since it's something that personal. It may be hard to come out to someone depending on your relationship, who they are, past experiences with coming out, etc., so when I say you shouldn't feel obligated, I don't mean it won't be difficult. But sharing that piece of information who you're supposed to trust shouldn't feel like you have to, but you want to share that side of yourself. I'm not eloquent with my words, but I hope that makes sense... mutual respect and unconditional love/trust is what I'm saying.

 

I tell any potential partners as soon as I can. Their reaction lets me know if I should keep them or not, lol. I could never last long with anyone that doesn't respect my sexuality (which is in turn, disrespecting me. 

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chair jockey

I disagree with the assertion that a partner has no right to know someting this important about a person. The partner DOES have a right to honesty about fundamental things. Yes, it's hard to be honest, but doing what's hard, especially when it has a personal cost, is what makes us true men and women. I'm not going to violate the ToS by saying what I think always doing the easiest thing makes a person.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Geez, sorry to hear you are in such a dilemma. It's not one I had to face, as when I was briefly married in the 1980s, there wasn't a name for me and it never occurred to me what I was. I do hope you get through this.

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Puddinhd58

You "may" find my story interesting but I don't think it will help you, unfortunately.  I am a 58 year old widow. My dear hubby passed away March 25, 2015 after a two year battle with lung cancer. 

We were high school sweethearts and were married 38 years. At the time we were married, asexual wasn't a thing. My hubby had a very high sex drive and I had none at all, but was raised old fashioned and believed it was my role as a wife to keep him happy.

 

I loved him very much. The funny thing is, I found him incredibly attractive and sexy.  I just had no sex drive at all. We still had a very active sex life. He could have had sex daily and it wouldn't have been enough for him. We usually had sex at least three times a week. I was very good at faking it. I didn't have to fake orgasms because I did. Once we started, I did enjoy it. 

But I never really wanted it. 😔  

 

I figured they're had to be something wrong with me. Every doctor I ever had, I would ask. No one had an answer for me. I asked them all, could it be hormonal ?  Is there a test or something?  I never got anywhere with any doctor. 

 

Now that I'm alone, I accept that I am asexual and will always be. My children have no clue, of course. My daughter said I could find a "friend with benefits". Lol. If she only knew. 

 

I would love companionship but can't imagine finding another man that would accept "no sex" as terms for a relationship. 

 

I wish I had some wisdom to depart to you but I don't. I wish you happiness in whatever you decide to do. I know my marriage would not have survived, had I told my hubby that I had no true sexual feelings or needs. But that's just my story. It's a different time today. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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