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a gender positive thread


butterflydreams

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During the weekend I had asked an old prof of mine who also happens to be the director of the psic department if she knew where I could get some psic help in the university and she told me a couple places and that she'd get me more specif info today so I knew where to go. But before she did so today, early in the morning, I coincidentally got an email from the university that had that information about where to get free psic services.

 

So I went there on my lunch break and it was farther outside the uni gates than I had ever gone on my own and for a while I didn't quite know where I was going but I surprisingly found the place. And I ended up making an appointment for a session on Wednesday.

 

I introduced myself by my name of course and only later did I think to mention that wasn't my legal first name.. and when I told the person talking to me what my legal name was I think she might have misheard the male version of it. Oh well.

 

But yeah so I made an appointment and it's just a regular therapist not a gender one but I'm still going to talk about things related to how me being trans is affecting a lot of things in my life, especially when it comes to my family, so we'll see how that goes.

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Groovy Teacakes

Caught sight of my reflection in the lab yesterday and I was surprised like, who is that guy? And then I realised, ayyyy it's me! So that was awesome. Also it turns out I actually pass despite my voice, some of my uni friends don't know I'm not cis-male. (Although tbh I get about 20:70:10 he:they:she, so it's still a mixed bag.) I don't even get misgendered in choir, despite singing alto. 

 

It actually made it really hard going home for the weekend and being constantly gendered female, because I am so used to being gendered correctly at uni. I was really happy to see my family because I miss them a lot, but also I was glad to go back.

 

So yeah, everything is getting better ^_^

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Another shot day, another shot song!  :P Went with a recurring joke for this one:

 

Spoiler

 

 

That said, I did have to throw away my shot once I was done with the injection :P

 

And here's the updated list/what are shot songs post:

Spoiler

I used to have issues doing my own testosterone injections, but found that if I time my shots to music, my musician instincts kick in and I inject like I'm entering on a percussion instrument. I like to keep a playlist if just to make myself share some of my music tastes more publicly and be less flighty when people ask me about my music tastes.

 

Playlist so far:

7/26

A Moment of Silence - Streetlight Manifesto

 

8/9

Toccata and Divertimento - Ney Rosauro

 

8/23

Receiving End of it All - Streetlight Manifesto

 

9/6

Shepherd of Fire - Avenged Sevenfold

 

9/20

Bebete, Vãobora - Jorge Ben

 

10/4

Resurrected Power (Shadow of the Colossus) - Ko Otani

 

10/18

Burn My Dread (Persona 3) - Kawamura Yumi

 

11/1

Motumbá - Timbalada

 

11/15

My Shot (Hamilton) - Lin-Manuel Miranda

 

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20 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Oh, and I'm 6 months post-op today :) 

Wow time fly past fast. Anyway congtats.

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

Gonna put aside the birthday money to finally buy an actual binder. I know I know, it's weird how long I put it off, but I still feel kind of weirded out going on the gc2b site and seeing so many men wearing the binders when I don't connect with them at all either. But it's been long enough that I feel kind of okay about the idea of doing FTM transitiony things despite not being FTM myself :D it feels good anyway. And I have to do something about top dysphoria, I think about top surgery in my every day life more than is most likely healthy despite not having researched at all. However I did also come out to my dad last night in an incredibly awkward conversation, because those are the only kind we have, in which he managed to hit everything from TERF to racist to misogynistic talking points. Low-key having a fashy dad here but since all he really does is talk behind peoples' backs, I don't know what else to do but internally groan. He also spent a while being a stickler for the they/them singular pronoun usage, cause he's always been an ass about grammar stuff, but I guess I just don't really feel that affected by his lack of validation and grudging acceptance of who I am.

 

What's way nicer, is that I was honest with my mum about considering surgery and thinking I'd feel better medically transitioning. She's so lovely, and I guess I'm pretty damn forgiving too because I can't even be bothered to find out what non binary people refer to themselves as in German yet all that much :lol: but my German's so bad anyway that I'll have to figure it out. Anyway, I wanted to be able to bring it up calmly since one of the first things she said in my actual coming out was "but you don't want surgery right?" or something. She's more on board now.

(Edited to remove commentary on the German third sex being introduced, it sounds like not such a great thing for intersex people and my fellow non binary people. People need to be less cis damnit, why's it so difficult to have an OPTIONAL third gender rather than a more restrictive opt-in third sex as a temporary category for intersex kids. Grargh -_- )

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I love my hair. I'm a brunette with thick hair, and I love when it's grown out a bit. I actually hate getting hair cuts. I also kinda of like that I have a bit of a tushy. 

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So apparently I lost weight which I feel somewhat conflicted about... I was nowhere near overweight before and I felt like that weight was a bit more masculine just by the number (before I was like 140-145lb) plus I felt like it made my waist look a bit thicker but not so much my hips and thighs because I just have a naturally relatively noncurvy body like that.

 

But now... Now I apparently got down to 130lb and that's still within "normal" ranges but I feel like I can totally notice it in my body lately. The good thing about it is that my chest seems to be smaller, but the bad thing is that my waist seems to be smaller too. And I guess I noticed the waist looking smaller before anything else and that made my hipbones look bigger by comparison...idk there's obviously also some unwanted extra fat in that area but it's always the bones that give me dysphoria and I feel like they're more noticeably out than they used to be, which now with the knowledge of weight loss I'd attribute to my waist being smaller. But then oddly my girlfriend has commented several times lately that my waist is looking stockier, so I don't know what to think or what about what I'm seeing might be purely due to my dysphoria just gettint worse.

 

Anyway this got longer than I wanted... I'm just gonna try to see this as a positive thing because at least it's probably made my chest smaller yayy

And also I've glanced at my jaw from time to time and it's kinda looking more masc from the front than usual, which is very nice since that's the part of my face that needs that the most.

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Friend: *watching TV* Wait, is this singer a guy or a girl?

 

Me: *glances over* Yes.

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I entered the bike traffic very clumsily yesterday morning, mostly due to lack of caffeine and a functional brain in the mornings. I almost collided with a middle aged cyclist who angrily shouted "Pay attention, boy!" and then surely wondered why I'm smiling happily at him. I had been wearing skirts the whole week before that, mostly as an experiment, and was starting to feel weird about it. The first day I dress again in my usual clothes and I get validated before my first coffee. Thanks, random angry person!

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999papercranes

For a few months now (coincidentally not too long after my haircut) my biology teacher has just been calling me by my initials. He calls a lot of people by their last name, but he can't pronounce my last name right so he just calls me by my initials instead of my birthname :lol: He does it without fail and it's definitely a lot less dysphoria-inducing than my birthname. 

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At a horse show today, a rider from a different college came up to me and asked me about my pronouns, saying that I was giving them "that sort of vibe." Considering that I have to spend this entire weekend in the most feminine situation (and clothes) that I ever spend time in, that was especially awesome.

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

Meh. Edited out of awkwardness but I ordered the binder.

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butterflydreams

I just went to a meetup for women. I don't think anyone suspected anything. I think I passed the whole thing with flying colors (take that r/transpassing). It was good to meet other women not in an LGBT setting. I felt like I had more in common with them. 

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If I wear a hairband I can look feminine enough, which is good because that is what I identify as most of the time. Can't believe it works with 1- inch long hair. Still awesome... 

 

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Oh man, after all this time, someone FINALLY (just this year) bothered to publish a piece of music scholarship that directly acknowledges trans voices. It's 3 articles within The Routledge Research Companion to Popular Music and Gender, but the authors demonstrate a solid background in queer theory and gender studies that's so refreshing to see in music academia. (The book does occasionally use the term "transgenderism," but that doesn't undo the nuance of the articles.)

 

This may not sound big, but you have no idea how important this is to me. The lack of scholarship on this topic made my transition feel that much more terrifying. As in, it's so important to me that I'm using my position as a scholar and potentially risking my future ability to go stealth in order to jump-start the dialogues myself. There's still an infinite abyss of things left unsaid about trans issues in music, but this publication is one hell of a first step.

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37 minutes ago, Blue Iris said:

Has anyone identify as asexual, but once gender change to right one you become sexual again?

Just for clarification, do you mean after realizing and coming to terms/accepting one's gender or actually transitioning with HRT and/or surgery?

 

From my own experience, I have yet to go on HRT and surgery, I'm not too sure about, maybe top surgery. Anyway, I've figured out my lack of sexuality before figuring out my gender. I still identify as asexual, though I'm curious if that might change once I go on HRT -- 

Spoiler for TMI?

Spoiler

Since one of the effects of T is a higher libido. Not too sure how that would work for a non-libidoist. If I suddenly have a libido out of nowhere, I'd have no idea how to deal with that. Even more reason why it's basically like a second puberty. Or perhaps I still would lack a libido. *shrugs*

 

And yeah, sure, not all asexuals lack a libido, but it's just that to/for me personally, I feel like it plays a big part. I'm not too sure if I may still identify as asexual or not if I suddenly had "one of those".

 

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I always new I was asexual, but gender also played a part in it. I'm comfortable with the asexual side of me, but the gender continues to bother. I have not started any transition, even HRT, but I'm still thinking about it. I'm not sure I would want to become sexual if I transitioned.

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@Mezzo Forte   Does the book go in depth about singing voices on T? The uncertainty of what my voice might do is what's keeping me from it. I've seen a bunch of stuff online but there's still too much variance in results for me to take T without completely freaking out. I need to sing for some of my classes and clubs, if I lose that I don't know what I'd do... Also idk if I can pay for it, but that's a different issue...

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butterflydreams
5 hours ago, Blue Iris said:

Has anyone identify as asexual, but once gender change to right one you become sexual again?

Yes and no. I still consider myself more asexual than not, but it’s a confusing line to navigate. When I feel better about my body, I feel like I could be more sexual, but I haven’t had any surgeries yet, so it’s difficult for me to get excited about it. If I were cis, I’d be just your average, heterosexual cis woman. I truly believe that. But the gender dissonance has messed everything up.

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5 hours ago, Blue Iris said:

Has anyone identify as asexual, but once gender change to right one you become sexual again?

I am only speculating here but i think if i was born female i would probably be more atleast grey then what i am now. My body, gender and sexuality dosent fit together as it is now. I don´t know if i erver will. 

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8 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

 

Spoiler for TMI?

  Hide contents

Since one of the effects of T is a higher libido. Not too sure how that would work for a non-libidoist. If I suddenly have a libido out of nowhere, I'd have no idea how to deal with that. Even more reason why it's basically like a second puberty. Or perhaps I still would lack a libido. *shrugs*

 

And yeah, sure, not all asexuals lack a libido, but it's just that to/for me personally, I feel like it plays a big part. I'm not too sure if I may still identify as asexual or not if I suddenly had "one of those".

 

In regards to the TMI:

Spoiler

I was 100% nonlibidoist pre-T, and I maybe(?) have a libido now. I can't say anything for sure other than I discovered that I was capable of arousal at ~8 months into HRT, and I now masturbate occasionally. Not sure how it translates into "libido" or if I'm technically still a nonlibidoist or not, but I'm just as ace as always. If anything, I just see this as a new way that I feel connected to my body.

 

If you have zero libido pre-T, I doubt you'll end up with an absurd sex drive going on T. Heck, the downstairs growth was so sensitive during those first few months that I had zero desire for anything to touch it anyways. You may go from 0 libido to a small/moderate drive, but it won't go nuts or anything.

 

That said, I can't say I've heard a lot of people share experiences quite like mine, if any at all, so there's no guarantee how this will work. Most the time you google this exact situation, you find all the pre-T people asking about this, but no answers from nonlibidoists who have taken T.

 

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7 hours ago, Lirpaderp said:

@Mezzo Forte   Does the book go in depth about singing voices on T? The uncertainty of what my voice might do is what's keeping me from it. I've seen a bunch of stuff online but there's still too much variance in results for me to take T without completely freaking out. I need to sing for some of my classes and clubs, if I lose that I don't know what I'd do... Also idk if I can pay for it, but that's a different issue...

Two of the articles mention it to some extent, but primarily reference the same 2013 article for all their data points. (I'll have to check later for its name, but I suspect that it's the one online article you can find on the topic and it's not a peer-reviewed academic source.) None of the articles seemed to consult WPATH research, but those medical journals may also have some of the information you're looking for as well.

 

There's actually some interesting points in the articles claiming that FtM baritones tend to be more comfortable in keys a minor third lower than what's comfortable for cis baritones, I think in part because of the difference between vocal chord thickening versus vocal chord lengthening. One vocalist did report having his range temporarily reduced to 1/5th what it was, but I forget how his range changed once it settled. There's some talk of FtM vocalists who postponed starting T by 10 years because of worries about the voice, though I was actually surprised to see no mention of Ryan Cassata in any of these articles considering that he opted out of T for voice reasons.

 

(There's also mention of items I've experienced as well, like how your muscle memory of pitch gets messed up with the changes until you adjust. I do wish there was talk about how that affects long-term pitch understanding though, as I feel like it skewed my understanding of pitch octave.)

 

The voice takes a long time to settle, and while vocalists need to sing through that period to preserve their voice, it definitely restricts singing ability for a while. It can actually take a few years before you start really getting your range back. I personally have at most 2 octaves I can work with, with a potential extra octave when I can access falsetto. I have a very lyrical quality to my voice though, so I don't have a lot of inherent power to my singing either, and I struggle with projecting my voice. Those were traits that I had pre-T as well though, so it doesn't tell you much.

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butterflydreams
13 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

Spoiler for TMI?

  Reveal hidden contents

Since one of the effects of T is a higher libido. Not too sure how that would work for a non-libidoist. If I suddenly have a libido out of nowhere, I'd have no idea how to deal with that. Even more reason why it's basically like a second puberty. Or perhaps I still would lack a libido. *shrugs*

 

And yeah, sure, not all asexuals lack a libido, but it's just that to/for me personally, I feel like it plays a big part. I'm not too sure if I may still identify as asexual or not if I suddenly had "one of those".

 

For anyone curious about the flip side...

Spoiler

I had a decent libido pre-HRT. In puberty 1.0, it was pretty bad, I hated it. After that, it was mostly just a background noise that I was aware of. I learned to manage it and enjoy it to some degree. Post HRT though, that kind of libido is totally gone. It’s really hard to describe, how I feel now that is. I guess...instead of a warm feeling that is highly focused, it’s more like a warm feeling that’s all spread out. So it’s more dull, but not really any less strong. That’s what I’d say. I don’t like when people act like your libido just dies. It does kinda, but it re-emerged for me in a much more natural comfortable-to-me form.

 

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I finally got up the guts to order a binder. As well as a plan to hide it from my roommates. I'm excited and scared. But if it works I'll be really happy. And it should come just in time for the jazz concert, as long as I can figure out how to use it by then.... But yeah, hopefully it'll work as intended and then I'll feel great.

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butterflydreams

Read something interesting today, "Today is the most feminine I've ever been, and the most masculine I'll ever be again." And every day that statement is true. I like that.

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16 hours ago, Lirpaderp said:

I finally got up the guts to order a binder. As well as a plan to hide it from my roommates. I'm excited and scared. But if it works I'll be really happy. And it should come just in time for the jazz concert, as long as I can figure out how to use it by then.... But yeah, hopefully it'll work as intended and then I'll feel great.

Make sure to get to know that binder and break it in before doing something breathing-heavy like voice! Do some breathing exercises in the binder to make sure you can comfortably fill your lungs and that you're not reducing your air capacity. Make sure to test your heat tolerance as well, because depending on what you wear, adding a binder could cause you to overheat.

 

Regardless, congrats on ordering the binder! I'm sure it will really help you deal with dysphoria :)

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We had an LGBT lecture yesterday and the lecturer started with "Ladies and gentlemen and everybody else." : D

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Signing up for that nintendo thing for the switch and having a gender option being "prefer not to answer".

 

I also feel very confident that I want to be a guy again. I know it's not gonna last long though.

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