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butterflydreams

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Celyn: The Lutening

@OptimisticPessimist Great links there. I think it's awesome that channel 4 are doing this, I'm so pleased about it. Yeah outing someone without their consent is always a shitty thing to do, but it's not channel 4's fault, and I think they did the right thing to show the mistakes that are made and how people can be insensitive, because it makes it clear that it's a problem.

I do believe that Genderquake will make a difference by making non-binary and trans people seem more relatable and human to cis people.

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Celyn: The Lutening

Re. this quote: "“The time for debate around the existence and validity of trans people is over. Society and our collective understanding has moved on."

 

Unfortunately, that's incorrect. We ARE still in the stage of having to prove our existence. Society has not moved on. Those who boycotted the debate are not helping the trans cause, they're giving ammunition to the far right and TERFs alike who will say that they refused to take part because they couldn't "prove" they are the gender they say they are.

 

Well, that was a downer. I promise to keep it positive from now on!

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butterflydreams

I know I haven’t been around here a lot lately. Especially the past few days. I had a 102F fever for 4 freaking days. 

 

But, that didn’t stop me from at least noticing my 1000th day on HRT. Pretty damn incredible. Woot!

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Great to see you again @butterflydreams sorry about your fever but yay for 1k days on HRT. 

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Mezzo Forte

Shot day! A bit of an odd shot day at that because my doctor just lowered my testosterone dosage down to half what it was before. The injection process is far faster when you're only injecting half what you usually do. :P

 

My testosterone levels tripled between October and April, and I'm guessing the hysterectomy might have been a factor in that. While my doc said my current T levels were good, she went and got a second opinion about my dosage, ultimately suggesting the drop. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if my higher T levels were related to some of the changes in my focus/impulsiveness these last few months. Not all of that was bad, but it definitely explains some of the difficulties I had during that particularly emotional low point I experienced February-March, especially in regards to my difficulty externalizing my feelings and just how bad my focus was. We'll see if the lower dose is right for me or not, but I suppose only time will tell!

 

Shot Song! Guess this one's appropriate because testosterone helped me be able to consistently sing the low notes in this piece :P

Spoiler

 

 

Playlist:

Spoiler

 

 

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I really like my nose. If a straight person, or anyone else really, had it, they'd hate it. It's really big but also really skinny. So forward-facing, it looks completely normal, but from the side, it's really big. Idk why, I just like it. It's unique and makes the rest of my facial features look really cool. Also I'm AFAB, and most of the women in my family have... lots of curves and big boobs. I have the curves (They still aren't half as noticeable as my mom's or sister's). And I'm fairly flat chested so I don't have to bind, just wear a sports bra and a just-a-bit-too-big shirt and I look almost completely flat!

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Mezzo Forte

I'm officially one year post-op, and I'm so happy with how my chest looks. (I'd share pictures if I didn't feel weird about posting shirtless photos on the Internet. :P) There's (very) minor contouring imperfections, and I have way less sensation back than I expected to have by this point, but I can't say I mind either of those. I had one hell of a rough recovery too, but I'd do it again 10x over if that was what it took to get these results.

 

Some friends of mine got top surgery very recently, and reflecting about everything it's done for me, I can't help but get emotional because of how happy I am for them. :) I remember the day I woke up from top surgery and the chest dysphoria was simply gone. For over a year now, chest dysphoria has been simply a memory of days long behind me. My back pain is gone. I don't have to bind in the inescapable Florida summer heat anymore. I can swim without getting dysphoric. Heck, I can swim shirtless if I so choose. I can wear t-shirts again for the first time in so many years. My posture is better than it's ever been. I can look at myself in the mirror and actively love what I see. :)

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nerdperson777
1 minute ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I'm officially one year post-op, and I'm so happy with how my chest looks. (I'd share pictures if I didn't feel weird about posting shirtless photos on the Internet. :P) There's (very) minor contouring imperfections, and I have way less sensation back than I expected to have by this point, but I can't say I mind either of those. I had one hell of a rough recovery too, but I'd do it again 10x over if that was what it took to get these results.

 

Some friends of mine got top surgery very recently, and reflecting about everything it's done for me, I can't help but get emotional because of how happy I am for them. :) I remember the day I woke up from top surgery and the chest dysphoria was simply gone. For over a year now, chest dysphoria has been simply a memory of days long behind me. My back pain is gone. I don't have to bind in the inescapable Florida summer heat anymore. I can swim without getting dysphoric. Heck, I can swim shirtless if I so choose. I can wear t-shirts again for the first time in so many years. My posture is better than it's ever been. I can look at myself in the mirror and actively love what I see. :)

That reminds me, I should call the top surgery insurance lady again.  My insurance is really being a pain.

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Mezzo Forte
Just now, nerdperson777 said:

That reminds me, I should call the top surgery insurance lady again.  My insurance is really being a pain.

Probably a good plan. I still haven't been reimbursed for my surgery because of some frustrating deadlock trying to get the necessary information from the surgical center after the insurance company tried to only give me $100 back out of the $6k I paid.

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nerdperson777
36 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Probably a good plan. I still haven't been reimbursed for my surgery because of some frustrating deadlock trying to get the necessary information from the surgical center after the insurance company tried to only give me $100 back out of the $6k I paid.

Mine is just being really stupid about not being able to authorize anything months in advance.  The insurance lady said that it's moving along in the process so I can call back in a couple days to see.  The one thing I'm afraid of is that there's a possibility that I could be getting more bills after surgery.  For my knee, it was supposed to be only a $200 co-pay on a $39k surgery.  But now the hospital is trying to change us $6k.  My mom has been trying to handle things for me and according to the fine print, we're not responsible for that $6k, but the insurance won't pay it either so there's a black hole in there.  The top surgery people shouldn't be charging more but never know.

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3 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

That reminds me, I should call the top surgery insurance lady again.  My insurance is really being a pain.

Anything related to insurance coverage is a pain. I've got plenty of experience with that. Tip for anyone getting top surgery, or anything of that caliber: If they won't cover it, it helps to have a gender-affirming therapist show that you really need it. Which means you have to talk to a therapist. You don't have to be crazy to talk to someone, and it really helps, trust me.

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nerdperson777
3 hours ago, C-Otter said:

Anything related to insurance coverage is a pain. I've got plenty of experience with that. Tip for anyone getting top surgery, or anything of that caliber: If they won't cover it, it helps to have a gender-affirming therapist show that you really need it. Which means you have to talk to a therapist. You don't have to be crazy to talk to someone, and it really helps, trust me.

Well, if I was getting the surgery through insurance, I needed the letter anyway. If it was informed consent, letter isn't required.

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@C-Otter Hope this doesn't sound weird but that's exactly the kind of nose I like. It just looks really cool and oddly cute for some reason. I also have a big nose but it's big in a wide and round kind of way. I used to hate it but now I appreciate it because it can be cute sometimes and boy does it help me pass. 

 

So, I finally got a haircut last weekend. I really needed it and it feels great to have my hair this short and out of the way again. Also one of the most awesome and comforting things I've learned in this whole pre-transition transition is that you don't need T to get a more masc hairline. A male hairline can just be very easily created by a barber and no one will judge you for not having one in the first place.

 

Another thing, my mom seems to be using more male pronouns randomly for me lately.. we might be at 40 or 50% now if I let myself be optimistic. And I asked my dad to call me a more neutral version of my birtname and he agreed (still sucky and I don't really have hope for him but baby steps I guess..) At least now I won't have to hear that very female name all the time and it kinda sounds similar to a shortened version of my name so I can pretend.

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Mezzo Forte

So, ever since I transitioned, I kept wondering if my favorite composer still knew/recognized me because I haven't seen him since before I transitioned. I've known this composer ever since I attended one of his music camps in 2011, 2012, and 2013. He's a total sweetheart and we would always chat when we ran into each other at percussion conventions. Heck, he'd brag to other people about me at those conventions, whether they were his fans or his contemporaries. :P We're Facebook friends, but I wasn't sure how much he would see or if he would notice who I am because of my name change and medical transition. Within the last year or so, his only comments on my posts didn't really imply one way or the other. 

 

Well, a Brazilian colleague of mine happens to be good friends with that composer, and he tagged me in a comment of a photo of the two of them together. The two of them were talking about me when they met up, and they both were speaking really fondly of me and said that they were proud of all my accomplishments. Both my colleague and the composer were commenting in that thread, singing my praises and hoping that we all get to see each other again soon.

 

When I first came out to myself as trans, my biggest fears concerned my career, and out of all the percussionists in my life who I wanted most to accept me and remain in my life, the two biggest ones were my long-time percussion mentor and this composer. (Seriously, if you look back at my AVEN coming-out thread from February 2016, you can see direct mention of this.) Rejection from either of them would have devastated me, but now I know for sure now they both completely accept me and hold me in the same high esteem that they always have. (My mentor helped me through the transition, so there's definitely no question there.) This may sound small, but I'm genuinely getting emotional right now. This composer's works sparked my love of music, cementing my love for the marimba while also sparking my deep love of ethnomusicology and Brazilian music in particular. He is easily one of the most impactful figures of my entire life, and now I've heard directly from him that he still recognizes me and holds me in the same high regard that he always had. :) 

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Mezzo Forte

Shot day! It's been a bit weird having the lower dose, but I can't say I mind it too terribly. I suspect that my emotions have shifted ever so slightly with the lower dose because I had a few moments where I felt almost like happy-crying in ways I haven't felt in quite some time, but that's not really a bad thing. :)

 

Shot song:

Spoiler

 

 

 

Updated Playlist:

Spoiler

 

 

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After being introduced as girl-name, someone asked my mom about having two boys and a girl. Sadly my mom had to tell her two girls and a boy, but it still made me happy for a minute. I love it when people think I'm a boy. Obvious thing to say, I know. But I still loved it.

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Celyn: The Lutening

I'm down to my last sports bra so I've been wearing a normal one and that's OK for a couple of days but then I just need to stop. So the positive thing is that I just got it off the line and put it on and I can now look down without feeling surprise then horror then resigned sadness; at seeing the ugly pair of growths on my chest. Also it's nice because it doesn't feel like a bra, it's possible to forget I'm wearing anything under my shirt.

 

I'm thankful for the small mercy that is my non-bustyness.

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3 hours ago, Celyn said:

I'm down to my last sports bra so I've been wearing a normal one and that's OK for a couple of days but then I just need to stop. So the positive thing is that I just got it off the line and put it on and I can now look down without feeling surprise then horror then resigned sadness; at seeing the ugly pair of growths on my chest. Also it's nice because it doesn't feel like a bra, it's possible to forget I'm wearing anything under my shirt.

 

I'm thankful for the small mercy that is my non-bustyness.

Honestly after wearing a sportsthing and a binder for so long I would never be able to go back to wearing bras.. It would just be way too weird. Only way I'd do it is if I had already had top surgery/transitioned and was crossdressing for the fun and genderfuckery of it.

 

But as things are now, if there was ever a day when I needed to go out but had neither a sportsthing nor a binder available, I would just tape down my nipples and wear a lot of layers including at least one big sweater and hope for the best. 

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I went out with my friend today and was read as male twice. The first time, we were at a cafe and the person at the till was surprised that we were paying separately, then asked my friend "is he your boyfriend?". Later, we were shopping and went to try some stuff on. The employee outside the women's changing rooms asked her coworker if I'd be ok to go in (again using he pronouns) and then directed me to the changing rooms for children and men upstairs. My friend knows I'm questioning but she still asked why I didn't just tell them I was a girl 😕 at least she didn't say anything when we were in the cafe.

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nerdperson777
1 hour ago, Starbogen said:

Honestly after wearing a sportsthing and a binder for so long I would never be able to go back to wearing bras.. It would just be way too weird. Only way I'd do it is if I had already had top surgery/transitioned and was crossdressing for the fun and genderfuckery of it.

 

But as things are now, if there was ever a day when I needed to go out but had neither a sportsthing nor a binder available, I would just tape down my nipples and wear a lot of layers including at least one big sweater and hope for the best. 

Yeah, once at school I wore a bra after wearing binders for several months.  Looking down and seeing protruding round things made me decide that day that I wasn't wearing a bra ever again.

 

I contemplated crossdressing as a girl at some point, but I would still never want anyone to call me a girl.  I feel like if I decided to crossdress now, wearing a bra before top surgery, I would feel dysphoric.  I would probably still try to go around as a flat-chested girl if I did.  Since I won't get a nipple reduction with surgery, I don't think I'll get the pointy nipples, so I probably would not need to worry about them showing through my shirt.

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I’m pleasantly surprised how much I’m starting to pass now! A couple days ago was my 20 weeks on T. I’m starting to to make recordings now and I noticed how much happier I was. It was weird to to see, but in a good way. I had a genuine smile. Feeling happier with myself is honestly kind of a foreign feeling. It makes me a little sad I couldn’t feel such happiness sooner, but I try to focus on the positive. That at least I am experiencing such happiness. Almost makes me want to have tears of joy. :’D I can’t wait to pass 100% of the time and really go stealth.

 

I think I feel a big drop in my voice coming! My throat has been hurting a lot, and it’s not like I’ve straining my voice.

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Celyn: The Lutening
On 5/30/2018 at 1:14 AM, Starbogen said:

But as things are now, if there was ever a day when I needed to go out but had neither a sportsthing nor a binder available, I would just tape down my nipples and wear a lot of layers including at least one big sweater and hope for the best.

Valid. But I would have to wear support because having them bounce and being able to feel them is hell for me. That's why I wear a crop top thing to bed. Can't deal with the feel of them moving.

 

@Zsareph I've been "boyfriended" before. I think it was the contrast of me appearing next to a lovely, femme woman, plus the fact that she calls me "babe". She just rolled with it XD

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13 hours ago, Celyn said:

Valid. But I would have to wear support because having them bounce and being able to feel them is hell for me. That's why I wear a crop top thing to bed. Can't deal with the feel of them moving.

Oh yeah that's true. I totally get this too, but I guess since I never wear anything under my shirts when I'm at home I kinda just deal with it and ignore it as best I can. But yeah that's definitely uncomfortable when you're super aware of it. 

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nerdperson777
3 hours ago, Starbogen said:

Oh yeah that's true. I totally get this too, but I guess since I never wear anything under my shirts when I'm at home I kinda just deal with it and ignore it as best I can. But yeah that's definitely uncomfortable when you're super aware of it. 

Yeah, I don't really bind anymore.  With my leg still healing, even during my exercise, I'm not really moving fast enough for anything to bounce in any noticeable way.  I'm just worried about people seeing a not flat chest whenever I move.

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Mezzo Forte
4 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

Yeah, I don't really bind anymore.  With my leg still healing, even during my exercise, I'm not really moving fast enough for anything to bounce in any noticeable way.  I'm just worried about people seeing a not flat chest whenever I move.

Can’t say I bind anymore either. :P

 

I’m quite sensitive to physical/touch sensation, so I was never able to run without my pre-op chest strapped down in some way. The way motion transferred made me way too dysphoric. Good riddance to those days!

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nerdperson777
8 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Can’t say I bind anymore either. :P

 

I’m quite sensitive to physical/touch sensation, so I was never able to run without my pre-op chest strapped down in some way. The way motion transferred made me way too dysphoric. Good riddance to those days!

idk, I've gotten more dysphoric and less. I'm more dysphoric in the sense that my flat chest isn't always there but less dysphoric physically. I haven't noticed any bouncing lately. Perhaps T is doing it's magic of making my chest smaller already. So I'm feeling more social dysphoria than physical now. 

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butterflydreams

This is kind of a weird thing to be positive about, but it involves me being gendered correctly, so I’m going to tell about it.

 

I was meeting my partner and walking through a pedestrian mall to get to them. Right before I get to where they were, this guy in his mid-late 30s stops me and starts telling me an elaborate story that ultimately winds around to him wanting money from me. And not just a dollar or two, but like $20. At several points in the story, he stopped to tell me how beautiful I was, and then apologized if that “made me feel uncomfortable.” 

 

There are a lot of people in that pedestrian mall who try to scam people for money, so I wasn’t about to do it but it was kinda cool to get basically hit on by a stranger. That’s never happened to me before. Wow!

 

Notes for the guy though, your story was way too complex. I seriously could not follow what you were talking about or why exactly you needed the money.

giphy.gif

 

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On 5/15/2018 at 5:15 PM, Mezzo Forte said:

I'm officially one year post-op, and I'm so happy with how my chest looks. (I'd share pictures if I didn't feel weird about posting shirtless photos on the Internet. :P) There's (very) minor contouring imperfections, and I have way less sensation back than I expected to have by this point, but I can't say I mind either of those. I had one hell of a rough recovery too, but I'd do it again 10x over if that was what it took to get these results.

 

Some friends of mine got top surgery very recently, and reflecting about everything it's done for me, I can't help but get emotional because of how happy I am for them. :) I remember the day I woke up from top surgery and the chest dysphoria was simply gone. For over a year now, chest dysphoria has been simply a memory of days long behind me. My back pain is gone. I don't have to bind in the inescapable Florida summer heat anymore. I can swim without getting dysphoric. Heck, I can swim shirtless if I so choose. I can wear t-shirts again for the first time in so many years. My posture is better than it's ever been. I can look at myself in the mirror and actively love what I see. :)

I'm so happy for you in reading your post! i have gone the other way in having my breasts enlarged, i remember waking up from surgery a bit sore but happy it was finally done!  One thing i can say is I bet you are so happy with the freedom of not having to bind or going shirtless if you so choose to do so and not having them get in they way lol 

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Mezzo Forte
7 hours ago, Albine said:

I'm so happy for you in reading your post! i have gone the other way in having my breasts enlarged, i remember waking up from surgery a bit sore but happy it was finally done!  One thing i can say is I bet you are so happy with the freedom of not having to bind or going shirtless if you so choose to do so and not having them get in they way lol 

Thanks my friend, I can’t help but smile every time I think about the freedom I have now. :) Even though I usually swim in shirts nowadays, I love that I don’t have to struggle with binding or chest dysphoria when I swim now. I promised myself one year of no sunlight on my scars, but haven’t had a chance to do my shirtless beach day. (Also, it takes a lot of sunscreen covering your entire torso rather than just the arms/face/legs, so shirts are nice for getting around that.) Definitely have to have my shirtless swim sometime this summer though! :) 

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nerdperson777
5 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Definitely have to have my shirtless swim sometime this summer though! :) 

If the weather doesn't kill you first.  (My room is currently an oven.)

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