Asking her

[AlloGov]

So I'll be honest, growing up in a small Midwestern town I didn't know there was a difference between asexuality and nonbinary until very recently. I have long had a friend who is both and so I guess I just kind of blended them together. My bad, I apologize.

I recently heard a podcast explain more details about asexuality and I'm in a long term relationship and it is going really well. I have no doubt that she loves me and we have even had oral sex. While she certainly doesn't dislike it and I am always very explicit that I don't want to make her feel pressured (I'm a survivor of sexual assault and also not a jerk), and she always seems satisfied. She was a virgin when we started dating, so of course things are new to her. I'm not all that experienced, so it's new to me as well. The thing is she just never seems all that interested before the fact or all that excited afterwords. Not upset or opposed, just not what I would consider a standard response. At first I thought she might just have difficulties expressing desire, but as I have become more educated about asexuality, everything just seems to fall in place.

She's told me before that she has never felt sexual attraction to anyone, she's said she is attracted to me, but I don't think she means it like that. When we have had sex she says the part she likes is pleasing me. Once again, I go out of my way to make sure she is willing, and I know how to take no for an answer, but the more I learn about asexuality the more it seems to fit her. I've thought about it, and that doesn't bother me. From what I have learned this seems perfectly reasonable and I have no reason to doubt that she is as satisfied as she claims while still being asexual. I'm allosexual but the sexual part of a relationship ranks lower for me than romance and companionship. If she is okay with our current arrangement of occasional intimacy, I would quite like to grow old with her, and I know she would to. But for my sake and self esteem, I would just like to know if she is.

So I need to ask her, but I honestly don't know whether or not she knows what asexuality is. So here's what I really needed to get to for the Aces reading this: how should I bring it up? I desperately don't want her to think it upsets me, or for her to feel judged, or think that I am suggesting I feel unloved by her. She means too much to me to traumatize her in any way, so if anyone has tips, I would be grateful if you dropped some advice for me.

[erah]

She is such a lucky one to have someone like you. Not every sexual can be that understanding to an ace partner. It is clear that you love her and i guess you are close enough to talk about it. 

 

I am an asexual who end a 10 years long relationship while still loving him so much. At that time i didn't know about asexuality,  just knowing that i don't feel any sexual desire. I was still doing things to make him happy but i should say that it was too tiring even tough i love him. He wasn't respecting to me so it ended. 

 

So i know how it feels to give yourself up for someone else. If you show that you care about her and "sex is not more important than her", she will feel safe next to you and feel enough for you. And the most importantly whenever she wants to say "no"  she will say it. She should never feel pressured. Because if she loves you, with a little push she can do whatever you want even when she doesn't want. And believe me it hurts. 

 

So what i suggest as an ace who was in that kind of situation "action is more important than words". Instead of saying it, show her. When she feels you are ok with anything there will be no space for misunderstanding. Hope that make sense and it helps a tiny bit. Wish you two all the best

[Xenobot]

Honestly, if I were in her position, I would appreciate a pretty straightforward, calm approach. The two of you sound like you have a really good, close relationship, and you're both in it for the long haul. You seem to have an approach to sexual activity that is working out for the two of you. So, just be conversational about it like, "You know, up until recently I actually thought being non-binary and being asexual were basically the same thing, but I've been reading up on asexuality and it's actually pretty interesting,"  give her a chance to express her opinion on it, if all seems good then maybe say something like, "some of what I've read actually made me think about things we've talked about in the past, have you ever read about it?" If she seems open to it, show her some information to see if it resonates with her. If she gets defensive, reassure her that you love her, and the last thing you wanted to do was upset her by bringing it up. You just thought there might be aspects of it that she could relate to, and saw it as an opportunity to understand one another even better if that was the case.

 

I think you already know this, but whatever you do, don't try to push the label on her. If she wants nothing to do with the idea, let it go, move on, and continue trusting what she tells you about herself as you have been. That's ultimately way more important than labels. If she is receptive to learning more about asexuality, and she finds it sounds a lot like her, be patient while she comes to terms with it. She might go through a lot of different emotions about it, or she might just be relieved to find an explanation. Though do make sure you let her know you love her and accept her just as she is, regardless of how she identifies her sexuality.