Jump to content

Wife became asexual over time...


A Lander

Recommended Posts

Tele, we've had many threads in the past about your own personal  situation.  This is not one of those  threads.  

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know. I didn't want to make it one. Pan got into it, not me. I just responded to some stuff she said about my situation that wasn't right.

 

Jesus, I'm getting meta-strawmen now. Anyway, I think I've highlighted the contradictions and inconsistencies in the common AVEN-esque positions sufficiently.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Except that you assume that the positions you don't like are AVEN positions, rather than some AVEN commenters' positions.   :huh: 

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sexual fluidity is taken as a given by many posters, as you've said. Not challenging self identification, however ludicrous, is simply part of TOS. You've said yourself the 'why' doesn't matter, frequently. No versions of the definition of asexuality on AVEN (either posted or on the wiki etc) make any reference to changing over time as being disqualifying, and the idea that 'you can identify as x now and change later' is pretty common.

 

Obviously not everyone agrees with every detail, but it would be an odd community that didn't have its shibboleths.

 

Oh, and it's interesting that the debate is now on how widespread the attitudes are, not whether my main point is right or not.

 

And to be clear, this is now you pursuing a point, not me banging on about my wife.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, you guys, I've already posted green once before. Again, if you wish to discuss either sexuality, in any of it's topics, or AVEN's specifics stances, feel free to make a thread on it to stand on it's own. Otherwise, let's stick to answering the OP's specific questions, and attempting to help them in their situation.

 

I'd like to take this time to remind everyone that a green post from a moderator counts as a threadwide nudge. Any further attempt to continue in this line of discussion will result in the thread being locked for a cooldown period, as my attempts to get this back on track will have been ignored twice. And I'd rather not do that as this is a thread about someone simply seeking a little bit of advice and help from our community.

 

AshenPhoenix, For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies moderator.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/12/2017 at 1:22 AM, A Lander said:

After ten years we married and after another ten we had a child, which in itself will slow down a sex life. But more than just having fewer opportunities, her interest and desire started dwindling.

I thought it was common for women to lose libido after having a child. It even has a name, something with 'postpartum'. I don't think this is asexuality.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sexuality is effectively fluid. If she no longer experiences sexual attraction and wants the asexual label, what is the problem? I experienced romantic attraction before and now I no longer experiment. If I want to claim the arromantic label in the future, why not? We are talking about feelings and feelings change in the other person unconsciously. Sometimes they never appear, others do, and then disappear.

 

I have no problem with ex-sexuals who want to belong to the asexual community if they actually discover that they no longer experience sexual attraction. In my case all my life I have been and I will be asexual because the sexual act by itself is not an interesting mystery for me. I am already aware of my unconscious in that regard and I am satisfied with that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Nila24 said:

Sexuality is effectively fluid.

That is an opinion rather than a fact.  Many of us who've lived quite a while have experienced asexuality all  our lives.  

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Once I liked it, now I dont really care about it"

"I liked being with you, but eventually I found out, that the sex part was too much and not what I liked about being with you!"

"I just thougth, that that 'meeeh!-feeling!' Was what it was supposed to feel"

"for the moment (insert timeframe from hours to days or years) I do not desire sex, but I dont think it has anything to do with you"

 

of course things can change over time, including your perception of things and also your sexuality. It also varies due to surroundings and inner changes like menopause. Sexuality doesnt change overnigth, but maybe you reach a milestone and need to adress it. "This used to be very nice, but recently I have started feeling a bit uncomfortable, so I would rather that we didnt anymore. Perhaps again in a few years, who knows!"

 

I think the OP is trying to masturbate in order to stay sane and stay in the lovely partnership. The wife is doing wrong, by trying to control and diminish his sexuality. It will backfire. What needs to be said is, that he has a sexuality, and it needs to be taken serious. What are the options? List the options. Discuss good and bad.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

Hello,

 

I was very confused for probably...6 or 7 years? After my wife told me she had realized she was asexual. I supported her, but I just didn't understand aspects. More specifically, we had a great sex life initially. She had always been honest from the beginning that she wasn't huge on sex, but it had seemed like it changed when we got together. Over time it slowed down considerably, and then when she told me this I was very confused because she always liked having sex with me and would undoubtedly say it was great sex.

 

It wasn't until I heard the true definition of asexuality that I had an a-ha moment, and all of the pieces fell into place. I heard that it is "the lack of finding anyone, of any gender sexually attractive." This then went onto to talk about different kinds of attraction. This was huge for me because it truly clicked that it wasn't that she was having a hard time experiencing sexually desire towards me, it was that she simply did not experience that with anyone. This made sense because she always had orgasms, and I knew she enjoyed them. I could also suddenly remember numerous  times where she implied that the goal of sex to her is having an orgasm alone, and that she could skip everything else. She was embarrassed about this, and it suddenly made sense. I then learned about romantic love, which I love my wife in every single possible way, but I experience romantic love for her above all other loves. Realizing that she loves me in this same way made me feel good. I never wanted to feel like I was essentially just a friend in her eyes, and this helped me see that no, I am definitely not. It helped me realize that the love is very much the same just with sex removed, because she doesn't experience that urge toward people. That said, she personally sees sex as unnecessary for that reason, and I can understand that entirely from her perspective. 

 

About the masturbating thing, if that works for you, maybe you should talk to her about it. It doesn't hurt you though and truthfully it's not directed to hurt her. I struggled with masturbation because I felt guilty for some reason and my wife advised me that she doesn't really want to know about it (she's grown to find sex pretty gross over time) but that I should just "take care of myself." Maybe talk to your wife about that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 6 months later...
polywantsacracker

To the OP, glad you found something that "works". 

 

My wife and I screwed like bunnies for the first 10 years of our marriage.  We had an open marriage for a few years because she came out as "bisexual" and wanted to experience sex with another woman. 

 

Then after child #2 (2007) she had some postpartum depression for about 6 months. Her libido started drying up. we had maybe sex 3-4 times a year up until 2012.  We haven't had sex since April 2012.  It is now 2017. She started throwing around the "Asexual" identity a couple of years ago.  We've tried marriage counseling with no real break throughs. In my opinion, even our "romantic" love has suffered.  We are basically roomates with 2 kids now.  I think it is a physical/hormonal situation but she refuses to get to get that checked out or do anything to improve her health.

For about the past 14 months I've started having sex with someone I met through the internet - a friend with benefits if you will.  About every 6-8 weeks we have some mind blowing sex.  My confidence is back. I feel like a member of the human race once again. Around the same time I took up running. My wife has equated my recent surge of happiness with my new-found sport!

 

I'm sure this will outrage all the "morality" police around here but it has been doing wonders for my outlook on life and my self confidence.  Once my youngest hits 18 and heads off to college in about 7 years I will give serious effort to try and fix our intimacy situation and if that still fails I'll file for divorce and move on.  I did not sign up for this 19 years ago.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Treesarepretty
On 2/11/2017 at 4:22 PM, A Lander said:

She is my love, my best friend and the mother of my son. When first together, my wife was just as randy as I was. We had wonderful, fun, mutually gratifying sex almost every day. We knew each others' bodies so well that I could count on the fingers of one hand the times we did not enjoy mutual orgasms. After ten years we married and after another ten we had a child, which in itself will slow down a sex life. But more than just having fewer opportunities, her interest and desire started dwindling. Mine, on the other hand did not. If anything, she is still highly desirable to me. I Love everything about sex with her: the arousal phase, the having, the afterglow. She loves me and will have sex with me a couple times a year at this point, still has orgasms, just doesn't want them anymore. So mostly I masturbate about her, reliving scenarios I've had with her. She doesn't like that, so I do it when she's not home. I have a hard time, no pun intended, with her not wanting to have sex with me anymore, but also not wanting me to have solo sex either. My desire feels normal and healthy and I have managed a solution that keeps us married, keeps me from looking for a lover, and is gratifying to me.

It sounds like you are still madly in love. Congratulations! I will echo the sentiments that this sounds like she lost her sex drive over time. It sucks, but it happens. If you have a good enough imagination for masturbation to be adequate for you from here on out, then you are in much better shape than a lot of people on this forum. Also, congrats on the 20 years of great sex! 

 

If your wife brings up the masturbation, I think you should tell her it's your business, not her's. 

 

Whatever anyone else says, this is a forum for people who want to have sex with their significant others while that want is not reciprocated. Lots of us feel broken, disgusting, inadequate, unappreciated, or otherwise just bad. You will find support here. :cake: 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
On 9/25/2017 at 9:51 AM, polywantsacracker said:

To the OP, glad you found something that "works". 

 

My wife and I screwed like bunnies for the first 10 years of our marriage.  We had an open marriage for a few years because she came out as "bisexual" and wanted to experience sex with another woman. 

 

Then after child #2 (2007) she had some postpartum depression for about 6 months. Her libido started drying up. we had maybe sex 3-4 times a year up until 2012.  We haven't had sex since April 2012.  It is now 2017. She started throwing around the "Asexual" identity a couple of years ago.  We've tried marriage counseling with no real break throughs. In my opinion, even our "romantic" love has suffered.  We are basically roomates with 2 kids now.  I think it is a physical/hormonal situation but she refuses to get to get that checked out or do anything to improve her health.

For about the past 14 months I've started having sex with someone I met through the internet - a friend with benefits if you will.  About every 6-8 weeks we have some mind blowing sex.  My confidence is back. I feel like a member of the human race once again. Around the same time I took up running. My wife has equated my recent surge of happiness with my new-found sport!

 

I'm sure this will outrage all the "morality" police around here but it has been doing wonders for my outlook on life and my self confidence.  Once my youngest hits 18 and heads off to college in about 7 years I will give serious effort to try and fix our intimacy situation and if that still fails I'll file for divorce and move on.  I did not sign up for this 19 years ago.

Have you told her you're having sex with someone else? It's only wrong morally if you're doing it behind her back.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A mayor shift in hormones like during puberty or menopause, is practically a mayor reconstruction of how someone works inside. As the hormones affect a lot of things, including your sensitivity and feeling towards your surroundings, then it is quite possible that you will become "a new person"! Some feel better about sex, most feel a bit more relaxed about it. 

 

I dont care if is something you carry within, your sexuality, and whether it blooms or fades or changes. But I do care about what you do with the feeling you have inside and how you choose to deal with it, when a serious partnership is involved.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...