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He has pics of girls - is he really an Ace?

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ryn2

To circle back to the OP, is the issue more that people answered “can he do this and really be ace??” with “yes”... rather than with “yes, he could do that and be ace, but he could also be jerking your chain”?

 

Because both of those statements are true.

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anisotrophic
3 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I don’t think I can make a sweeping statement here.  There are plenty of paraphilias, toys, etc., that one could argue aren’t as natural as having sex... but I wouldn’t blanket lump them into sexual dysfunction.  I would need to look at it in a more case-by-case manner.

I'm an enormous fan of "it's not a dysfunction if it's not hurting people".

But if the porn use is hurtful to another person, I'm seeing it as hard to defend. It's not a natural need. Case-by-case, sure, it seems reasonable to say "can we talk about it to see if I can help you not feel hurt about it?" but I'm not okay with an attitude of "stop being controlling, porn is normal and healthy".

Are people entitled to porn consumption? Well, I suppose they're entitled to do most any hobby or habit, really, but I find it hard to be very sympathetic to it any more than I would for other hobbies and habits. Which are sometimes very treasured by a person, I get that.

So if porn is that important, one should be clear from the outset? Because one shouldn't get into a relationship where a partner finds out later, and is hurt, and the porn can't be discarded.

 

15 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

To circle back to the OP, is the issue more that people answered “can he do this and really be ace??” with “yes”... rather than with “yes, he could do that and be ace, but he could also be jerking your chain”?

 

Because both of those statements are true.

Yup!

Going case-by-case, I think it's especially reasonable to be upset about the porn in this context. It was hidden from the partner, and there's sex problems.

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ryn2
Just now, anisotrophic said:

I'm an enormous fan of "it's not a dysfunction if it's not hurting people".

Same.  I think the question here is “is the porn use hurting someone, or is the sexual mismatch hurting someone?”

 

2 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

So if porn is that important, one should be clear from the outset? Because one shouldn't get into a relationship where a partner finds out later, and is hurt, and the porn can't be discarded.

Yeah, that’s part of why I said upthread that I think even people in monogamous (and vanilla) relationships should lay out guidelines early on.  Assuming both parties feel the same about things - even just about what’s a big deal and what isn’t - just causes big issues later on.

 

Of course, it’s a lot easier to know that the second time around.  The first time you encounter a problem (from either side) it’s likely to blindside at least one if not both people.

 

7 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

It's not a natural need.

I don’t know enough about the science behind paraphilia to agree or disagree on this point.

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ryn2
3 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

What is your criteria?

For?

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ryn2
3 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

Defining a paraphilia as dysfunctional (or not).

Whether or not it’s interfering - based in duration, frequency, intensity, and/or legality - with your day-to-day life and/or causing you significant distress.

 

One could certainly argue that something that is causing your partner significant distress should also be causing you significant distress, even if it wouldn’t otherwise... but (to me) that can also be a case of (in)compatibility rather than of the paraphilia itself being dysfunctional.

 

E.g., one partner has a shoe fetish.  It doesn’t normally cause that partner problems financially, with work, with self-care, etc.  The other partner finds out and is horrified.  Suddenly the partners have a relationship problem - potentially one so serious they can’t solve it - but it isn’t the shoe fetish; it’s that they may be too far apart to compromise.

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