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Mrs. Miss

He has pics of girls - is he really an Ace?

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James121
16 minutes ago, Homer said:

Fairly easy to explain. It's a quick and easy way to "get things done" without the hassle of having another person and their needs involved.

In other words, there’s no requirement to share.

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Homer
1 minute ago, James121 said:

In other words, there’s no requirement to share.

Pretty much, yes.

 

Which brings up a question re: porn and other tools... is this generally seen as "sharing"? If someone (no matter whether sexual or not) jerks off to pictures or movies, are they "sharing" their sexuality with someone?

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James121
3 minutes ago, Homer said:

Pretty much, yes.

 

Which brings up a question re: porn and other tools... is this generally seen as "sharing"? If someone (no matter whether sexual or not) jerks off to pictures or movies, are they "sharing" their sexuality with someone?

No, I would say that if you’re in a relationship and doing this but then declining your willing partner, you are selfish.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, Homer said:

Fairly easy to explain. It's a quick and easy way to "get things done" without the hassle of having another person and their needs involved

Ignoring your partner sexually to the extent they feel bad about themselves, but jacking off to other women on your phone, is a very, very different issue than when a sexual guy who loves and is attracted to his gf and fucks her regularly also has a quick pull to a porn girl every now and then. And the bigger issue is that they were in their 30s, but he never mentioned to her that he wasn't really into sex even though he MUST have had some idea of that by the age of 30, but she didn't find out about his lack of interest in it until AFTER they were married. Then while dealing with that she has to go and find that other naked women are getting his sexual attention while she isn't (he could at the very least have the decency to jack off to pics of her). But yeah the OP is saying she wants to stay with him though I personally don't think he deserves her,but I just keep on seeing people commenting missing the actual point. They keep saying "yes aces Jack off to porn" and explaining why they do, while overlooking everything else involved in this particular situation.

 

@Mrs. Miss In your OP I think you said he hadn't actually acknowledged he may be ace yet? Has he at least taken it into consideration now? :o

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MrDane
On 11/2/2017 at 3:00 AM, Serran said:

Yes, many aces watch porn. It's common. It speeds up masturbation, which is either nice or a bodily function like peeing, for some. 

 

As for not knowing - if he hasn't experienced much sex, he might have fallen for the whole "you will want it with the person you love" thing. I spent 10 years trying sex in every way I was willing to try to find what "worked" for making me want it. Nothing did. I finally googled how to "fix" my "low libido" since I didn't want sex even after trying everything people said would make me want it. 

 

Have you talked to him about it? What does he say? 

I know it, but it is difficult to get my head to understand. Watching porn to “get turned on”, and masturbate, while at the same time  have no sexual feelings for your loved one, and maybe even try to avoid anything connected to real sex.

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Mrs. Miss
On 4/14/2018 at 5:37 PM, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

 

@Mrs. Miss In your OP I think you said he hadn't actually acknowledged he may be ace yet? Has he at least taken it into consideration now? :o

He has not at all "acknowledged" anything. So strange how I log in once a year... wish I had an update. Nothing has changed. We have an amazing "friendship" and I don't see anything changing after all these years... divorce is not (yet) an option... I still can't justify throwing him away for this 1 thing - as huge of a problem this 1 thing is - but everything else is perfect. I take life 1 day at a time. THANK YOU SO MUCH for your reply

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anisotrophic
3 hours ago, Mrs. Miss said:

He has not at all "acknowledged" anything. So strange how I log in once a year... wish I had an update. Nothing has changed. We have an amazing "friendship" and I don't see anything changing after all these years... divorce is not (yet) an option... I still can't justify throwing him away for this 1 thing - as huge of a problem this 1 thing is - but everything else is perfect. I take life 1 day at a time. THANK YOU SO MUCH for your reply


I've heard people say "porn is normal for aces" but I completely agree with Ficto's old posts: rejection combined with porn is definitely something I'd expect a partner to experience it as painful. It's gotta hurt. I'm sorry. :( 

(My partner doesn't do any porn, barely masturbates (only if it's "uncomfortable"), and he has tried his best to be sexual for me. He's just... not sexual. We finally had to face that together. Now, I don't want to bother him to do it if he doesn't want to -- and now, he's supportive of me dating others someday.)


To contradict some ancient statements made here: my partner and I found LGBTQIA+ therapists to be really helpful for understanding asexuality and navigating this together.

I think you deserve him acknowledging that this is not "normal". That doesn't make him "wrong" or "broken" (he deserves empathy), but your needs matter too & it sure seems like you're completely justified in feeling unhappy right now. That's the sort of stuff therapists can really help with.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
7 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

(My partner doesn't do any porn, barely masturbates (only if it's "uncomfortable"), and he has tried his best to be sexual for me. He's just... not sexual

Mine's the same way.  Though, I'm not sure if it would actually bother me if he did.  I have some bizarre fetishes that I would never act out because of trauma, but the porn is for some reason great.  I never want to share those pieces of myself with anyone because I actually find it embarrassing and somewhat shameful.  I can see how someone else might feel the same.  I mean, I'll talk about it.  But you're never going to see it happening.

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anisotrophic
3 hours ago, ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

I never want to share those pieces of myself with anyone because I actually find it embarrassing and somewhat shameful.  I can see how someone else might feel the same.

Sounds like you have an explanation for it, and...

 

It seems to me like it's important to define asexuality as an orientation & something that isn't "caused by porn" ... if someone were rejecting a partner and saying they used porn but are embarrassed to share it, "asexuality" isn't the reaction I'd have... I guess it'd feel more like "feelings towards sex & porn use are leading to a dysfunctional sexual relationship"

 

... but in your case, you're not leaving a partner feeling rejected.

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Serran
On 5/11/2019 at 6:25 PM, PaganUnicorn said:

Is it still sharing if it's one-sided?

My take is ... would it be if a person you know sent the same pictures ? Say, a SO or friend with benefits ? If so, why is a stranger different  ? Just seems like a prostitute vs a SO thing. 

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anisotrophic

I think I feel a bit like @Serran -- in some way porn feels like other-directed sexuality, not "undirected".

My different context is that I am (or at least, have been) OK with my partner being intimate with others (or attempting to...) But if the porn is more attractive than me -- to the point I'm rejected -- that would be upsetting. Just as I would be if I were rejected in favor of another person.

The point, @PaganUnicorn, is not that I and others dispute that there are asexual people that use pornography for masturbation. That's their own business.

But in a romantic relationship -- a mixed relationship with a sexual that is being sexually rejected -- well personally I can say I'd be very unhappy. Frankly, I'd interpret it as porn addition. That's not the situation I'm in, thankfully.

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ryn2
6 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

But if the porn is more attractive than me -- to the point I'm rejected -- that would be upsetting. Just as I would be if I were rejected in favor of another person.

TMI for myself, I need a mental picture/fantasy to masturbate to (or else my mind wanders and I never get anywhere).  That mental picture can’t include me, or (generally) anything that reminds me of (involving) me.  While porn is not my preferred source of mental images, it’s a good shortcut it I’m in a hurry.

 

If I have a partner, sex with the partner is going to include me... and trying to use the partner as the mental image is going to remind me of sex that involves me.

 

I guess that makes it rejection in favor of no other person?

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ryn2
7 hours ago, Serran said:

My take is ... would it be if a person you know sent the same pictures ? Say, a SO or friend with benefits ? If so, why is a stranger different  ?

For me, at least, there is a (big) difference.  If the pictures were of someone I knew personally, especially if that person had intentionally given them to me, I would be grossed out rather than aroused.

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Serran
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

TMI for myself, I need a mental picture/fantasy to masturbate to (or else my mind wanders and I never get anywhere).  That mental picture can’t include me, or (generally) anything that reminds me of (involving) me.  While porn is not my preferred source of mental images, it’s a good shortcut it I’m in a hurry.

 

If I have a partner, sex with the partner is going to include me... and trying to use the partner as the mental image is going to remind me of sex that involves me.

 

I guess that makes it rejection in favor of no other person?

You need a mental image / fantasy that includes people, no? So, to me (and I suspect ani) that would still count as rejection in favor of another person... just a voyeuristic way rather than fantasy of being involved. 

 

56 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

For me, at least, there is a (big) difference.  If the pictures were of someone I knew personally, especially if that person had intentionally given them to me, I would be grossed out rather than aroused.

That doesnt sound much different than a person who prefers ONS or prostitutes to someone they have an emotional connection with though. Your preference is viewing strangers. But... its still same content, just from someone you dont know vs someone you do. 

 

Like my brother used to get repulsed to sex partners once they expressed an interest in a relationship. So he would date sex workers who were more likely to be able to be casual and dump them the minute they said they wanted more. So he would have happily kept pics from them until they wanted more, then it was a big nope. 

 

Aces watch porn and get off to it. But, not wanting to do the activities doesnt stop it stinging that they like to watch other peoples naked bodies to get off to but not their partner. If my wife didnt want me sexually and got off to porn, we probably wouldnt last. Feels far too much like no thanks, you arent as attractive as the pros (if she didnt even want pics of me). 

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

So with me being bisexual, and usually being in a relationship with a cis male, and my libido swinging way more gay than straight, porn is kind of essential to my needs.  It keeps me content.  My gayness has threatened partners in the past, but it is what it is.  

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Serran said:

So, to me (and I suspect ani) that would still count as rejection in favor of another person... just a voyeuristic way rather than fantasy of being involved.

I guess that would depend more on how you feel about voyeurism than on how you feel about sexual acts with other people.

 

I channel other people’s feelings... that’s probably the best way to sum it up.  If those feelings are, or could be, about me I get squicked.

 

Real-life voyeurism doesn’t interest me at all, and in my fantasies I am not present/watching or anything.

 

It’s just faster to look at an image than it is to start from complete scratch making the image up in my head (which is my preferred option if time permits).

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Serran said:

Your preference is viewing strangers. But... its still same content, just from someone you dont know vs someone you do. 

Not really.  It’s the fact that I do not exist relative to it in any way that makes it an acceptable substitute to a completely imaginary fantasy.  My preference is still the completely imaginary fantasy.  Porn is just closer to that than real life people are, and real life people I don’t know are in turn closer than real life people I do know.

 

I don’t mean you’re wrong to feel

the way you do - feelings are just feelings, after all.  I’m just sharing a different perspective on what porn can mean to/do for someone.

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anisotrophic
16 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

It does show your partner might be dissatisfied.

 

Sex gets boring after a while. It's natural. Can anyone really blame their partners for missing it?

Read the original post. This is about porn consumption by someone neglecting/rejecting sex with a partner that wants to be having sex with them.

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anisotrophic

I maintain that in a situation like this, it would come off as porn addiction.

 

I appreciate the "different roles" explanation @ryn2 shared, but porn is a social construct. A media artifact designed to trigger sexual response. My default, in the presence of other sexual issues eg. with a dissatisfied partner is to suspect the porn is playing a role in encouraging the problem.

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ryn2

For me written erotica > visual medium art (drawing, painting) > amateur porn > pro porn > partnered sex.  It’s kind of the flip side of someone asking a sexual person “why don’t you just masturbate instead?”  If I were to mention feeling horny (I wouldn’t mention it, but if I did), someone suggesting I should address that by having sex with my partner instead of by masturbating is basically suggesting I ignore and go against my own needs in favor of addressing my partner’s.  That (pleasing my partner) can be a completely fine, good, and reasonable thing to do, but it doesn’t address my own situation any more than masturbating alone helps a sexual person who really wants partnered sex.

 

It’s not a personal rejection but I can see why - to someone who rank orders things markedly differently - it would feel like one.  And feelings aren’t rational, so no amount of logical explanation will help.

 

In the end, though, it doesn’t indicate the OP’s partner isn’t ace.

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anisotrophic

I would be much less unhappy about written erotica...

Modern porn is very artificial. I guess one analogy that appeals to me is "junk food", another modern product designed to provide a strong and appealing sensory experience (at least many people experience it that way).

Sure, highly artificial treats and snacks can be part of a healthy diet -- for some people, in moderation. Sure, someone's health condition may be unrelated to their junk food consumption. But a healthy diet doesn't need these (at all), and it would be disingenuous to pretend junk food isn't causing a lot of health issues for a lot of people.

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ryn2

I read the initial question as “if my partner is looking at porn, doesn’t that mean they are lying to me about being ace?”

 

The answer to that could very well be “no.”

 

Of course, being ace doesn’t guarantee they’re using porn in a way that’s healthy for them... they could be both ace and habituated to porn.

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anisotrophic

It's "possible" -- but it's also possible for porn to mess with non-asexuality. I'd have trouble being in a relationship with that.

 

I think it's very hard to claim that anyone naturally "needs" porn. This isn't a social need, and porn isn't a natural thing. So especially in a situation of sexual unhappiness in a couple, I would expect the porn to be dropped until there's a consensus that it's not a cause of problems. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't, but why defend keeping it around when it might be?

 

(The tone of many responses seemed to imply the porn was not something to be upset about.)

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ryn2
6 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

So especially in a situation of sexual unhappiness in a couple, I would expect the porn to be dropped until there's a consensus that it's not a cause of problems. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't, but why defend keeping it around when it might be?

I guess to me that hinges on whether or not the partner in question actually is ace.  If both partners are sexual and porn may be causing sex problems for them, eliminating it to see if things improves makes sense.

 

If one partner is ace, though, it’s not porn that’s causing the sex problems between them.

 

It’s also possible that differing perspectives on porn, secretive (on the ace’s part) or punitive (on the sexual’s part) behavior, or the like can cause/contribute to relationship issues outside “the sex part” (trust issues, e.g.).  In that case it may also make sense to at least discuss the whole thing thoroughly (if not try eliminating porn).

 

The place I get concerned is where, in a mixed relationship, people say “if they’re not having sex with their partner the ace shouldn’t be using porn either.”  That’s too much like saying “the ace isn’t allowed to masturbate if they aren’t having sex with their partner.”

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anisotrophic
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

The place I get concerned is where, in a mixed relationship, people say “if they’re not having sex with their partner the ace shouldn’t be using porn either.”  That’s too much like saying “the ace isn’t allowed to masturbate if they aren’t having sex with their partner.”

Porn is a lot less natural than sex.

 

Why is this expectation worse than saying you don't want to have sex with a partner -- and they can't have outside sexual partners?

 

If this is too much for the ace, break up? Same answer as you give a sexual that isn't allowed sex?

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ryn2
8 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

Why is this expectation worse than saying you don't want to have sex with a partner -- and they can't have outside sexual partners?

 

If this is too much for the ace, break up? Same answer as you give a sexual that isn't allowed sex?

I don’t think it is, for relationships where both parties are poly or poly-friendly.

 

In a monogamous relationship, I don’t generally see viewing porn as cheating/falling in love with someone else/etc... so there is a difference.  I say “generally” because what people mean when they say “porn” can vary pretty widely.

 

Agreed that - whatever the position - breaking up if you can’t reach a mutually-tolerable place is always an option.

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ryn2

(I also think couples in monogamous relationships should explicitly define what “exclusivity” means to each of them, and reach an agreement, rather than just assuming everyone feels the same... so it’s entirely possible a monogamous couple could agree that all - or some - porn use is indeed cheating by their agreed definition)

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anisotrophic
5 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I don’t generally see viewing porn as cheating/falling in love with someone else/etc... so there is a difference.

You don't seem to get my point here. This isn't about cheating, it's about potentially having a dysfunctional psychological approach to sex. It can cause all sorts of issues.

 

To that end, I think someone is reasonable to ask a hypersexual partner to quit porn as well, if hypersexuality/sex are an issue in the relationship.

 

I don't think asexuality is a dysfunction. I don't think it's cause by porn. But I think things can look like asexuality that are caused by porn. And I don't think anyone should need porn. I think that's very hard to defend, because porn is not a natural thing in the slightest.

 

One can say it feels "controlling" to expect a partner to quit but I can't see that it's anything like saying someone can't masturbate.

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ryn2
14 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

You don't seem to get my point here.

 

14 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

I don't think asexuality is a dysfunction. I don't think it's cause by porn. But I think things can look like asexuality that are caused by porn.

Maybe I just didn’t word my response well, as that (the bottom quote) is what I meant by saying “it depends on whether or not the partner is ace.”

 

”Not ace but behaving in an ace-ish manner due to porn consumption” is a very different situation than “ace and also consuming porn.”

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ryn2
15 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

I don't think anyone should need porn. I think that's very hard to defend, because porn is not a natural thing in the slightest.

 

One can say it feels "controlling" to expect a partner to quit but I can't see that it's anything like saying someone can't masturbate.

I don’t think I can make a sweeping statement here.  There are plenty of paraphilias, toys, etc., that one could argue aren’t as natural as having sex... but I wouldn’t blanket lump them into sexual dysfunction.  I would need to look at it in a more case-by-case manner.

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