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Mrs. Miss

He has pics of girls - is he really an Ace?

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
2 minutes ago, AshenPhoenix said:

I think whether or not it's okay is up to each person and each couple as things go, and that is basically my response to most of what you've said.

 

In this case, yes, I would have to say it's probably not okay, since the OP's S/O knew they were very sexual. But we still don't know everything that's happening, maybe he doesn't even get off to them, maybe he can't get off to people IRL. I'm not saying this is what's happening, just that it's a possibility we should all always keep in mind. No one is saying "It's fine for your husband to have interest in other women but not you". People are saying asexuals can watch porn. Whether or not what is happening is okay is regardless of whether or not someone is asexual, and would regardless have to be decided by the people in the relationship, not anyone from the outside looking in. In my post, I encouraged the OP to talk to their husband about what's happening, because that's what they have to do, assuming things and thinking something is happening before even knowing the full details hardly ends up good. If the OP were to talk to their husband, find out the whole details, and THEN decide for themselves it's wrong, that's fine, and healthy.

 

As a person who has been in many atypical relationships, I don't think it's fair to immediately pass something off like that, I've been in and know of many relationships where it is "Common and normal" to be doing whatever the hell you want as people. No one is saying this is immediately normal or okay because he's ace, but I'd also venture to say it's not our decision, if OP decides this is something not worth salvaging after finding this out, that's their decision.

I've said everything I need to say in my other comments. I was bringing a different perspective to this as a lot of people seem to be missing the very clear issues here and passing it off as normal, when even many couples with a healthy sex life would take issues with what's happened here, let alone if one partner is completely ignoring the other sexually yet keeping pictures like that on their phone. We are all entitled to have a say here, mine is a different perspective than what others are bringing. It does come across very strongly that many who answer are saying his behaviour is normal for an asexual without actually looking at the overall situation. Yes an asexual having naked pics or masturbating to porn may be relatively common, but that's only one part of the situation. The rest of it is not at all "normal" and wouldn't be considered "acceptable" for many, many couples. Yet people are only looking at that one aspect (him having naked pics of other people) and saying "Yep, totally normal for an ace." Well sorry, many asexuals have more empathy and understanding than that and would realise how hurtful that could be to their partner who clearly wants to be desired, and how it could potentially be very destructive to their relationship if the partner finds out. Asexuals aren't so naive that they get a free pass to behave like this, no one is. I agree of course this couple is in vital need of open, honest communication.. But that does seem to be a skill the husband may be lacking as he knowingly went into this relationship without telling his very sexual partner that he isn't big on sex. He also then has clearly made out that he's not at all interested in his partner "in that way", while secretly keeping naked images of other women on his phone. Absolutely not cool, regardless of whether he's ace or not.

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Sally

Whatever someone does is normal for them.  

 

Some of us seem to be arguing with each other about what he should/shouldn't  be doing.  That doesn't seem helpful to the wife who has posted.  I think it really doesn't  matter whether he is asexual or not, and he's the one who would have to decide that anyway.  What seems evident is that he is not interested in having sex with his wife.   That's painful to her, especially since he is obviously using pornography to aid him in masturbating.   What she decides to do about that situation is up to her, and all we can do is give her our sympathy and reassure her that unfortunately, there probably isn't anything she can do to change the situation.  He is who he is.   

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Serran

If he has a libido and reacts with erections etc to naked imagery, it's possible he married her thinking he'd like sex... since he had only been with one other person in his life, it's not impossible he just didn't know he wouldn't be that into it. It's confusing enough to figure out if you're into it when you're romantic and like kissing and such, let alone when you enjoy looking at naked people and masturbating to them, while also maybe being romantic and feeling all that other stuff. So, to assume he was misleading on purpose is not fair. Unless he actually knew and refused to say, it could have just been he didn't know himself yet before they got married. Then, they would both be stuck in a bad spot. If he knew and he purposefully hid it, then of course he was in the wrong.

 

Communication issues now are a problem. They need to sit down and have a very honest discussion about their feelings on the subject. He may be ace, he may not be. He may like certain things but not regular sex. He may want to use her images, but was scared to ask. It's really impossible to know what he was thinking, without asking him. And, if use of porn bothers the wife, then of course she can discuss that as well - which I said in my original reply (if that is an issue, they need to discuss it). Use of pornography is acceptable in many monogamous relationships, not in others, but it's not an automatic thing like cheating that people know is off limits in a monogamous marriage. 

 

The only thing that can settle the incompatibility between them is talking about it. Honestly, openly discussing it. And deciding if they can come to some middle ground where they can save it. Or, else, split up. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
39 minutes ago, Sally said:

Whatever someone does is normal for them.  

 

Some of us seem to be arguing with each other about what he should/shouldn't  be doing.  That doesn't seem helpful to the wife who has posted.  I think it really doesn't  matter whether he is asexual or not, and he's the one who would have to decide that anyway.  What seems evident is that he is not interested in having sex with his wife.   That's painful to her, especially since he is obviously using pornography to aid him in masturbating.   What she decides to do about that situation is up to her, and all we can do is give her our sympathy and reassure her that unfortunately, there probably isn't anything she can do to change the situation.  He is who he is.   

My issue, again, was everyone who is saying his behaviour is "totally normal for an ace" while clearly misunderstanding this situation.

 

And to be clear it's much, much more painful not being desired by your partner when you realise that same partner is actually masturbating to other women, or at the very least is hiding pics of other women naked on their phone. That's actually cruel, to inflict that kind of pain on another person. Okay so you don't all feel that way or agree with me, some of you clearly think there is nothing wrong with any of this, and some seem to think it's the OP that's in the wrong (T_T not at all uncommon on this site) but everyone has a right to voice their opinions so the wife can read through (if she does come back to this thread) and have a variety of ideas and suggestions to reflect on. Us all saying "oh I'm so sorry he did that but you can't change it so yeah" (which you're suggesting) doesn't actually help in any way. People giving their different thoughts, perspectives, ideas, and opinions though may give the wife more to reflect on and think about. She may hate what I've said or may understand where I'm coming from, but I wanted to bring a different perspective to this. I've done that. I personally think that's a lot more useful than giving her sympathy and reassuring her she can't change anything (which is kind of the opposite of giving her sympathy, like "sorry babe but he's not gonna change so man up and take it" :S ..) 

 

Obviously what she does about it is her own choice, but at least we can give some ideas and opinions for her to think about. I'd put my foot down and say he can have sexy pics of me to look at and masturbate to but if he's going to persist on using pics of random naked women and viewing me as nothing more than a plank of wood then I'm leaving. End of. But that's just my opinion and I've given it so the OP can reflect on it along with the other ideas and opinions here and come to her own conclusions.

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Fox6
On 10/02/2017 at 11:41 PM, Mrs. Miss said:

I found pics in his phone of nude or near-nude women. I also saw that he has visited porn sites occasionally, so I know that at the very least, he likely enjoys looking at that stuff.

You should respect the privacy of your husband. And you shouldn't be making assumptions like that. If you checked my browsing history, you would find a lot of weird things. There are many reasons he could be looking at that stuff. He may even be trying to force himself to be sexually aroused with women.

 

On 10/02/2017 at 11:41 PM, Mrs. Miss said:

He KNEW he was this way. No one can tell me that they didn't KNOW. We are in our mid-30's. I feel like that is enough years to understand yourself...

There's barely any education regarding asexuality. Psychiatrists treat it as a mental illness. In my case I thought for most of my life I was a bisexual introvert.

 

19 hours ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

Yes some aces masturbate to images without actually desiring partnered sexual activity, but if you're married he should only be masturbating to pics of you. Just my humble opinion.

 

Even if he's not masturbating to the pics, he should only have near nude pics of you as far as I'm concerned lol.

I am sorry, but not wanting your partner to look at pictures of other women or porn is too controlling for me.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
12 minutes ago, Fox6 said:

I am sorry, but not wanting your partner to look at pictures of other women or porn is too controlling for me.

Yet another person who missed the point, and also didn't read everything else I said here. He's utterly ignoring his wife sexually, yet has pics of naked women on his phone. This is behaviour that almost any person in a monogamous relationship in the whole world would be deeply hurt and confused by. He could at least do her the courtesy of only masturbating to pics of her or having pics of HER naked, even if he's going to persist in ignoring her sexually in all other aspects. But it would be a massive, extremely painful kick in the guts to have gone to all the effort the OP has gone to in the hopes he'll view her sexually, only to find pics of other women naked on his phone. Almost ANYONE would feel hurt and betrayed by this, but it seems very, very few people here are able to look at the situation from a realistic perspective, what it would be like for a monogamous sexual person to experience this (even many ace women would be hurt by this, even if they didn't want sex) ..It hurts and it's confusing and many wouldn't know what to do or how to react to this, other than knowing something really, really isn't right about this. It's not about trying to control the partner who was hiding the naked pics. It's about being betrayed, devastated, and shocked by finding that someone who has ignored you sexually for years has pics of other women naked on their phone.

 

Also, most monogamous couples expect their partner only have naked pics of them stored on their phone. That's a very normal and healthy expectation and if someone can't handle that, then they need to stay single or find a partner who also wouldn't care about that sort of thing.

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Sally

Pan, I can't see how it is helping the OP to have this kind of argument.  It's  something we should have with each other, not when someone new has posted.  

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Fox6
41 minutes ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

Yet another person who missed the point, and also didn't read everything else I said here.

I did read and you just repeated yourself.

 

41 minutes ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

Also, most monogamous couples expect their partner only have naked pics of them stored on their phone. That's a very normal and healthy expectation and if someone can't handle that, then they need to stay single or find a partner who also wouldn't care about that sort of thing.

If you are keeping pictures of previous partners, that's one thing. But married men still masturbate to porn, and married women masturbate thinking of Jamie Dornan in poorly-written BDSM scenarios. Expecting otherwise means not understanding Human sexuality.

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Sally

I doubt if most wives would want their husbands to have naked photos of them on their husbands'  phones, which could be seen by mistake by someone else.  

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m4rble
1 minute ago, Sally said:

I doubt if most wives would want their husbands to have naked photos of them on their husbands'  phones, which could be seen by mistake by someone else.  

Or shared intentionally. I don't know how often this happens in married couples but I know for a fact that a lot of boyfriends don't keep those pics to themselves. I worked at a summer camp one year and the male counselors(well not technically counselors, but you get the point) would all show each other pics of their girlfriends and exes. This might decrease with age though because they were all nineteen.  

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AshenPhoenix

Remember that this thread was created by a user seeking advice to their particular situation, while branching discussions are incredibly common on AVEN, when one goes too far it has a tendency to derail or suppress other potential responses in a thread. If you wish to make a thread regarding a particular topic, feel free to do so, otherwise, let's keep this thread on track.

 

I would also like to take this time to make a gentle reminder that there is sometimes a fine line between opinion and judgement, and we should be careful when selecting our words in regards to generalizations, one way or the other.

 

AshenPhoenix, For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies Moderator

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NerotheReaper
On 2/10/2017 at 6:41 PM, Mrs. Miss said:

I feel like I'm in denial. I found pics in his phone of nude or near-nude women. I also saw that he has visited porn sites occasionally, so I know that at the very least, he likely enjoys looking at that stuff. I am considered attractive, fit, well groomed and immaculately dressed at all times. So, I can't believe that he is not attracted to me...That can't be it - not while getting hit on every other day! I acknowledge my high sex drive, but it's something that he was aware of prior to marriage... Married 3.5 years and have had sex, maybe 10 times. It seems that he only responds months later, and out of pity rather than desire...

i had NO IDEA until the 3rd day after the wedding night...3 days after, he said, "Well, I guess we have to do it..." I am not angry if I confirm or he acknowledges that he is an ace, but I will be angry that he misled me... To me, I think that is something I am considering is grounds for divorce...He KNEW he was this way. No one can tell me that they didn't KNOW. We are in our mid-30's. I feel like that is enough years to understand yourself...I feel like he baited me, then switched, and now I'm are stuck with how to deal with a situation that I could have chose instead of being tricked into...
IS IT TRULY POSSIBLE TO SAY YOU'RE AN ACE AND WATCH PORN BUT HAVE NO DESIRE FOR YOUR WIFE?

 

But I want to ask you do you two LOVE each other, and for this let's take out the whole sex part. I think when you love someone you love them for who they are, you accept their flaws, and connect on this deeper level rather than just looks. I don't think he intended to 'mislead you', sexuality is really confusing and maybe he is trying to figure himself out too. He wouldn't have married you if there wasn't some love or affection between you two. Talk to him about all this, tell him how distressing it is for you that you don't feel good enough for him. You both said "I do", think back to why you both stood there that day together. I am a believer in fighting for relationships, there will be bad times but we don't give all the good for some bad moments. 

 

I hope you guys can figure it out

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Azrael

Just because I like to watch Zombie movies does not mean I would like to actually live in a post-apocalyptic zombie world.

I don't even think of sex when I look at porn, I just like the way some women look.

 

Also, 10 times in 3 years doesn't sound that bad does it?

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m4rble
2 hours ago, Azrael said:

Just because I like to watch Zombie movies does not mean I would like to actually live in a post-apocalyptic zombie world.

I don't even think of sex when I look at porn, I just like the way some women look.

 

Also, 10 times in 3 years doesn't sound that bad does it?

Most people would prefer to have sex once a week I think. 

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Azrael
18 minutes ago, m4rble said:

Most people would prefer to have sex once a week I think. 

I don't even THINK about Sex once a week.

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Law of Circles
4 hours ago, Azrael said:

Also, 10 times in 3 years doesn't sound that bad does it?

That's about 3-4 times a year, which is still a lot less than what many sexual people desire in a romantic relationship. Different people prefer different frequencies, but generally speaking, going 3-4 months without any kind of sexual activity with one's partner would be a pretty long time for many sexuals.

 

The frequency of sex also doesn't tell the full story. Feeling like your partner is disinterested in however much sex you are able to have can be frustrating and painful for sexuals who value sex as an expression of intimacy in relationships. Even if the asexual partner is able to have sex every day, the lack of mutual desire could still cause the sexual to feel that something is missing.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
On 12/02/2017 at 4:39 PM, Fox6 said:

But married men still masturbate to porn, and married women masturbate thinking of Jamie Dornan in poorly-written BDSM scenarios. Expecting otherwise means not understanding Human sexuality.

You're acting like all married people do this.. If you literally think all married people do this, and that all couples would be fine with it, you're very mistaken.

 

And I happen to have a very extensive grasp of human sexuality thank you. I've only been trying to explain it to people here for like 4 years now...

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Fox6
2 hours ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

If you literally think all

Woah! How does we jumped from defining what's the norm to this?

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
12 hours ago, Fox6 said:

Woah! How does we jumped from defining what's the norm to this?

I've said repeatedly that many people aren't okay with their SO having pics of other people naked on their phone and you keep arguing with me like you think everyone does this and everyone is okay with it. I know full well some people are okay with it and some people will still do it regardless of whether or not their partner is okay with it, and that it's common for some people to masturbate to porn (though there are also plenty of sexual people who get nothing out of porn or erotica) regardless of whether or not they're in a relationship. Just because some people do it and some people are fine with it doesn't mean the OP is fine with it, so telling someone who may be upset over an issue like this that "everyone does it" or "this is totally normal" is very dismissive of that person's feelings and not entirely true either. It's normal for some people, and some people are okay with it. But no it's not necessarily "the norm".. Some people are legitimately only interested in their own partner and don't have any interest in browsing the net for pics of other people naked to masturbate to etc (though I understand that  many on AVEN think that all sexual people just can't keep it in their pants and couldn't possibly have sexual interest in only one person or be sexually fulfilled with their partner alone..). And on the flipside, many people just aren't okay with their partner doing that - it hurts them a lot, and makes them feel ugly and unwanted, and like the sex they have together and their body and appearance aren't  good enough, and that is common. So in that case the respectful thing for the partner to do is not have images of naked people on their phone in my opinion. That wasn't the exact issue the OP was having though, what was hurting the OP was that he seems to have ZERO sexual interest in her yet seems to quite possibly see certain other women in a very sexual way. This also does happen in some relationships, but that doesn't stop it hurting and doesn't make saying "it's normal" entirely correct. 

 

 

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nanogretchen4

Really, by far the largest issue here is that the OP's husband has tricked and trapped her. The big reveal of his sexual orientation came three days after the wedding. There is no chance whatsoever that he had no idea that he did not want sex until three days after marriage. He concealed the truth because honorable behavior on his part would have prevented this miserable incompatible marriage that never should have happened. That is such outstanding grounds for divorce. Under the circumstances, the pictures of other women on his phone are just an extra slap in the face. Just one more sign that he is an utterly selfish person with no respect or consideration for his wife.

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AshenPhoenix

Old debates that I have said need to remain out of this thread have been purposefully brought back up, I'm locking this thread for 24 hours because my previous request to leave these arguments hasn't been heeded.

 

I'd like to take this time to remind everyone that a green post by a mod is considered a thread-wide nudge.

 

When I unlock this thread. I expect these topics not to arise again here.

 

AshenPhoenix, Sexual Partners Friends, and Allies moderator

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AshenPhoenix

Unlocking this. If there is any indication that my warnings are being ignored and the topic returns once again to the previous debate, I will be forced to unfortunately permanently lock this thread.

 

AshenPhoenix, For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies Moderator.

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Float On

:cake:

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012
On 2/10/2017 at 7:41 PM, Mrs. Miss said:

He KNEW he was this way. No one can tell me that they didn't KNOW. 

I'm going to tell you right now it's "possible" that he didn't know.

 

You're being extremely judgmental, convicting him this way.  If you want to have a productive conversation with him about it, you might want to try scaling back on the know it all attitude.

 

I was in a similar situation and I in fact "didn't know" until I'd been married for some time.  I didn't know there was such a thing as asexuality, I only knew of straight, gay and bi growing up.  And I knew for sure I wasn't gay or bi... so there's only one other option that I could be.

 

It's especially confusing for those of us who are hetero-romantic and get crushes/fall in love.  Because you can easily relate to many of the aspects of being in love and having relationships etc. (just not everything)

 

It also doesn't help that we live in a hyper-sexual society, it's hard to come to an understanding that you don't really fit in with this.  I always just thought I had a lower than normal sex drive when I wasn't "chasing skirts" when I was young (but yet I could fall in love easily - see the confusion?).  And maybe in some ways I was unknowingly lying to myself a bit... it's just hard to have a clear picture when society pushes something down our throats so much.

 

 

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Mrs. Miss
On 2/11/2017 at 2:45 AM, AshenPhoenix said:

Hi Mrs. Miss,

 

A lot of people here are answering your question directly, I've seen quite a few people explain to you why an asexual might be using porn, appreciation, a masturbatory aid, etc.

 

While all of these are potentially options, I think maybe the best course of action would be to actually ask him directly, there are many different reasons he could be looking at porn. Maybe it is even in fact possible, that he might actually hate pornography, but he looks at it occasionally to see if he can "improve" his sex drive or test out the waters. Much the way someone who is bi-curious may look at different types of pornography to see whether or not it's "up their alley". I'm not say that's what's happening, ore even a likely solution, but there are so many different things that could be happening, if you trust him, continue to trust him, and ask him directly why. Give him a chance to explain himself, perhaps if you both understand yours and his struggles internally with your differing sexuality, you may become one step closer to that magical solution both of you seek.

 

Apologies if this is a bit late to the party, but I do hope this helps, all the best of luck to both you and your husband in your journey of trying to figure this out.

 

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Mrs. Miss

Thank you for your feedback! You're not "late" as I am just logging back in since over a year ago! Lol!

(I have asked him directly. Countless conversations. Over a year later and I am still none-the-wiser...and still no intimacy... but I love him and I am just going to 'deal with it')

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Mrs. Miss
On 2/11/2017 at 12:42 PM, FictoVore. said:

A lot of people who have responded have missed this glaringly obvious issue. They're all like "yes aces masturbate to porn, get over it" T_T ..OKAY SOME ACES MASTURBATE TO PORN, that's not the frikking issue though!@Mrs. Miss

 

 

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Mrs. Miss

THANK YOU for being sooo real in your reply! After reading the responses of others, I was grateful to hear their thoughts... but after making my last comment (OVER A YEAR AGO) I felt the exact way that you described - hence, I felt that it was pointless to come back to this site...well, until now. Everyone has their own path and experience, so I felt it was unfair to expect anyone/everyone to place themselves in my shoes... Thankful to everyone who took time to reply.
(BTW - Over year later and nothing has changed, but I don't know what to do...so, I will stay where I am until I figure it out. I love him too much to give up everything for this 1 thing..) THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR REPLY :)

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James121
On 11/02/2017 at 1:41 AM, Mrs. Miss said:

I feel like I'm in denial. I found pics in his phone of nude or near-nude women. I also saw that he has visited porn sites occasionally, so I know that at the very least, he likely enjoys looking at that stuff. I am considered attractive, fit, well groomed and immaculately dressed at all times. So, I can't believe that he is not attracted to me...That can't be it - not while getting hit on every other day! I acknowledge my high sex drive, but it's something that he was aware of prior to marriage... Married 3.5 years and have had sex, maybe 10 times. It seems that he only responds months later, and out of pity rather than desire...

i had NO IDEA until the 3rd day after the wedding night...3 days after, he said, "Well, I guess we have to do it..." I am not angry if I confirm or he acknowledges that he is an ace, but I will be angry that he misled me... To me, I think that is something I am considering is grounds for divorce...He KNEW he was this way. No one can tell me that they didn't KNOW. We are in our mid-30's. I feel like that is enough years to understand yourself...I feel like he baited me, then switched, and now I'm are stuck with how to deal with a situation that I could have chose instead of being tricked into...
IS IT TRULY POSSIBLE TO SAY YOU'RE AN ACE AND WATCH PORN BUT HAVE NO DESIRE FOR YOUR WIFE?

Yes, basically for reasons no one is able to explain, for some reason it is both possible and acceptable to refuse sex with your partner but then jerk off to videos of other people having sex. I’ve never got my head around it as I would feel like a cheat.

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Homer
38 minutes ago, James121 said:

Yes, basically for reasons no one is able to explain, for some reason it is both possible and acceptable to refuse sex with your partner but then jerk off to videos of other people having sex. I’ve never got my head around it as I would feel like a cheat.

Fairly easy to explain. It's a quick and easy way to "get things done" without the hassle of having another person and their needs involved.

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