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Mrs. Miss

He has pics of girls - is he really an Ace?

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Mrs. Miss

I feel like I'm in denial. I found pics in his phone of nude or near-nude women. I also saw that he has visited porn sites occasionally, so I know that at the very least, he likely enjoys looking at that stuff. I am considered attractive, fit, well groomed and immaculately dressed at all times. So, I can't believe that he is not attracted to me...That can't be it - not while getting hit on every other day! I acknowledge my high sex drive, but it's something that he was aware of prior to marriage... Married 3.5 years and have had sex, maybe 10 times. It seems that he only responds months later, and out of pity rather than desire...

i had NO IDEA until the 3rd day after the wedding night...3 days after, he said, "Well, I guess we have to do it..." I am not angry if I confirm or he acknowledges that he is an ace, but I will be angry that he misled me... To me, I think that is something I am considering is grounds for divorce...He KNEW he was this way. No one can tell me that they didn't KNOW. We are in our mid-30's. I feel like that is enough years to understand yourself...I feel like he baited me, then switched, and now I'm are stuck with how to deal with a situation that I could have chose instead of being tricked into...
IS IT TRULY POSSIBLE TO SAY YOU'RE AN ACE AND WATCH PORN BUT HAVE NO DESIRE FOR YOUR WIFE?

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borkfork

Yes some asexuals use porn as a masturbation aide. I've read a few aces who stated using porn is just a way to finish faster, but that isn't gospel.  

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Mrs. Miss

Thanks, borkfork... I honestly am lost for words...

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RK800

Some folks, like myself, don't see nudity as inherently sexual so we may have an artistic appreciation for it. However this situation seems more like a masturbatory aid of sorts which some libidoist aces use.

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Serran

Yes, many aces watch porn. It's common. It speeds up masturbation, which is either nice or a bodily function like peeing, for some. 

 

As for not knowing - if he hasn't experienced much sex, he might have fallen for the whole "you will want it with the person you love" thing. I spent 10 years trying sex in every way I was willing to try to find what "worked" for making me want it. Nothing did. I finally googled how to "fix" my "low libido" since I didn't want sex even after trying everything people said would make me want it. 

 

Have you talked to him about it? What does he say? 

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Busrider
6 minutes ago, Mrs. Miss said:

IS IT TRULY POSSIBLE TO SAY YOU'RE AN ACE AND WATCH PORN BUT HAVE NO DESIRE FOR YOUR WIFE?

Unfortunately "yes".

Some people are autochorisexual; i.e. have their reasons to prefer masturbation over partnered sex.

From there on a discussion about what kind of porn consumption goes along with your definition of choice for asexuality can be had.

14 minutes ago, Mrs. Miss said:

I am considered attractive, fit, well groomed and immaculately dressed at all times. So, I can't believe that he is not attracted to me...

I like chocolate and have done so as long as my memories reach back. But when I was a kid I had issues starting to eat beautiful Easter bunnies.

Maybe that was equal to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complex in the sexual realm?

There are very many different options and it might make more sense to ask him about details than to have the crowd guessing and listing options.

 

 

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Woodworker1968

Though it was not porn in the usual sense, I used to ogle some of the models in Virginia Slims ads back when they still ran them in magazines and daydream about what it must be like to have a SO like that. <3

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Mrs. Miss
1 minute ago, Kheîma said:

Have you talked to him about it? What does he say? 

Thank you for sharing that. He did mention to me when we met that he only had sex with 1 girl before me... he was 25 when we met... So, that makes sense.

 

Now, to your question - I can't count how many times we talked about it. I cried. Begged. Wore lingerie. Talked dirty! Everything! Then I realized that it wasn't me... I think he is in denial as much as I am (was)...

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borkfork

If he married you knowing he wasn't into sex that is indeed deceiving. We try to discourage that kind of behavior here. Some people genuinely don't know until presented with the opportunity multiple times or they think marriage will magically flip that switch. That's the issue with so little asexual awareness, especially among us "older" folks.

 

I encourage you to address the situation rather than making any assumptions about your husband. Getting mad at him may only make him shut down making communication that much more difficult. 

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Mrs. Miss
3 minutes ago, Busrider said:

Unfortunately "yes".

Some people are autochorisexual; i.e. have their reasons to prefer masturbation over partnered sex.

From there on a discussion about what kind of porn consumption goes along with your definition of choice for asexuality can be had.

I like chocolate and have done so as long as my memories reach back. But when I was a kid I had issues starting to eat beautiful Easter bunnies.

Maybe that was equal to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complex in the sexual realm?

There are very many different options and it might make more sense to ask him about details than to have the crowd guessing and listing options.

 

 

 

4 minutes ago, Busrider said:

There are very many different options and it might make more sense to ask him about details than to have the crowd guessing and listing options.

 

 

Thank you for your response that, yes, it's possible. I didn't post for diagnosis or anything other than to confirm that watching porn and being an ace is possible - and I now have my answer... So I will now research the few terms that I have seen here, but never heard before, like, "aurochorisexual." Thanks, again.

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Mrs. Miss
8 minutes ago, Woodworker1968 said:

daydream about what it must be like to have a SO like that. <3

Sorry, what is a "SO". My bad...I'm new to all this

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Mrs. Miss
8 minutes ago, borkfork said:

I encourage you to address the situation rather than making any assumptions about your husband.

Thank you so much... I agree wholeheartedly

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Busrider

"SO"= significant other. / partner

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borkfork
12 minutes ago, Mrs. Miss said:

So I will now research the few terms that I have seen here, but never heard before, like, "aurochorisexual." Thanks, again.

Autochorissexualism is a paraphilia many of us have experience. 

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Mrs. Miss
Just now, borkfork said:

Autochorissexualism is a paraphilia many of us have. 

I have so much to learn...

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Mrs. Miss

Libidoist.. spectrums. Was ignorant to sexuality until this experience with my husband... Thanks everyone. I will take it from here!

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Busrider

Unfortunately everybody is different.

50 minutes ago, Mrs. Miss said:

I found pics in his phone of nude or near-nude women. I also saw that he has visited porn sites occasionally, so I know that at the very least, he likely enjoys looking at that stuff.

I think asexuality isn't something males are bragging about, especially when married. It could be that he just uses the porn stuff to patch / fortify his sexual facade "among the guys". I think I saw co-workers emailing each other pin ups & such. - Luckily my friends never expected such from me.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Yes some aces masturbate to images without actually desiring partnered sexual activity, but if you're married he should only be masturbating to pics of you. Just my humble opinion.

 

Even if he's not masturbating to the pics, he should only have near nude pics of you as far as I'm concerned lol.

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Sally

I'd think that an asexual would not want to masturbate to pictures of anyone he knows -- certainly not a wife.  That would be too close to actual sex for him, which an asexual doesn't want.  And especially when he knows that the wife DOES want actual sex.  

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AshenPhoenix

Hi Mrs. Miss,

 

A lot of people here are answering your question directly, I've seen quite a few people explain to you why an asexual might be using porn, appreciation, a masturbatory aid, etc.

 

While all of these are potentially options, I think maybe the best course of action would be to actually ask him directly, there are many different reasons he could be looking at porn. Maybe it is even in fact possible, that he might actually hate pornography, but he looks at it occasionally to see if he can "improve" his sex drive or test out the waters. Much the way someone who is bi-curious may look at different types of pornography to see whether or not it's "up their alley". I'm not say that's what's happening, ore even a likely solution, but there are so many different things that could be happening, if you trust him, continue to trust him, and ask him directly why. Give him a chance to explain himself, perhaps if you both understand yours and his struggles internally with your differing sexuality, you may become one step closer to that magical solution both of you seek.

 

Apologies if this is a bit late to the party, but I do hope this helps, all the best of luck to both you and your husband in your journey of trying to figure this out.

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Serran
6 hours ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

Yes some aces masturbate to images without actually desiring partnered sexual activity, but if you're married he should only be masturbating to pics of you. Just my humble opinion.

 

Even if he's not masturbating to the pics, he should only have near nude pics of you as far as I'm concerned lol.

Plenty of married people use pornography. Personally, I wouldn't have anything to do with other people's images when with someone, but for many people it's OK. *shrug* But if it bothers her, it is something to discuss too.

 

11 hours ago, Mrs. Miss said:

Thank you for sharing that. He did mention to me when we met that he only had sex with 1 girl before me... he was 25 when we met... So, that makes sense.

 

Now, to your question - I can't count how many times we talked about it. I cried. Begged. Wore lingerie. Talked dirty! Everything! Then I realized that it wasn't me... I think he is in denial as much as I am (was)...

By talk about it, I don't mean try to talk him into sex. I mean, talk about how it makes you both feel. Does he like sex and just not want it so much? Does he have a low libido, high libido, etc? Is he repulsed at all by sex? Can you be happy with something besides PiV that maybe he'd be more willing to do? 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
6 hours ago, Kheîma said:

Plenty of married people use pornography. Personally, I wouldn't have anything to do with other people's images when with someone, but for many people it's OK. *shrug* But if it bothers her, it is something to discuss too.

What bothers her clearly is the fact that he's paying absolutely no sexual attention to her but may be using these pictures for sexual reasons, even just the fact that he has them there at all while viewing his own wife completely non-sexually is an issue. He clearly experiences some type of attraction or something to the naked female form (or else those pics wouldn't be there) so he should be giving his attention to his wife who is clearly suffering, not to pics of random naked women.

 

A lot of people who have responded have missed this glaringly obvious issue. They're all like "yes aces masturbate to porn, get over it" T_T ..OKAY SOME ACES MASTURBATE TO PORN, that's not the frikking issue though!

 

It wouldn't matter if you're sexual or ace, if you've got pics of naked women on your phone but are viewing your wife in an utterly non-sexual way, not giving her any sexual attention even after she's begged and tried everything she can to make you look at her sexually, that's really not acceptable because it's extremely cruel behaviour that obviously will hurt the wife, and it seems quite dishonest too. "So you say you have no attraction to me in any way because you're ace, yet there are pics of half naked women who aren't me on your phone?" o_0 Something clearly is amiss here. That's the issue, and a lot of people who responded were actually pretty mean just completely overlooking the issue and kind of passing off what the OP is going through which no, is not okay whether your partner is ace or sexual.

 

Being asexual doesn't give someone a pass to be a jerk or to be dishonest, and imo this guy is either being a jerk and/or being dishonest about some aspect of his feelings (which is still a jerk thing to do). You can't say "I'm asexual that's why I'm not interested in seeing you naked dear" then go and perv on pics of naked women on your phone, fuck that! Its like people here are saying "oh yeah he's asexual, that makes this perfectly okay and his behaviour is normal and understandable". No. just no! Okay? No one has the right to make asexuals out to be feelingless cruel jerks, or to try to make out like his behaviour is cool and normal just because he's ace and asexuals are somehow so naive that they just don't understand what they're doing. No. Its not normal. This particular situation is cruel and dishonest.

 

@Mrs. Miss if I was in your situation.. well, first I would have dumped him for the clear dishonesty (he obviously does enjoy some aspects of the female form if he's got pics like that, just not your form apparently) but if for whatever reason I stayed with a guy like that, I'd say he needs to start giving attention to you and get rid of those pics. Maybe he won't be able to have sex with you if he really is ace, but he can "perv" on you in the same way he does to those girls,  appreciate your form naked, maybe masturbate to pics of you if that's what he needs. You could masturbate together while he looks at your body if he can't have partnered sex due to being ace. I know if it was me in your situation, I'd feel more desired even if he just had sexy pics of me on his phone I knew he was looking at and maybe masturbating to, not random women who aren't me. No way. I'd take sexy pics to surprise him with every now and then, and if that made him happy and he clearly likes the pics then that's better than nothing, at least I'd know he is attracted to me and views me sexually. And if he's not cool with that and just isn't attracted enough to you to be able to do that (despite being attracted enough to pics of other women) then I'd personally question whether or not it's worth staying in the relationship. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who gives you at least some acknowledgment sexually like asking for sexy pics of you to jerk off to if that's all he's capable of, instead of doing it to pics of women that aren't you? And even if he's not masturbating to the pics, at least acknowledges your beauty and sexuality by having pics of you on his phone he looks at in that way instead of random naked internet girls?

 

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FlaafyTaffy

To be fair, she asked "is this behavior of someone who is asexual" and the answer is "yes, it's common for asexual people to masturbate to porn".

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Serran

Maybe he thinks asking for nude / sexy photos of his wife would cause her to think he's wanting sex and up the pressure for sex, or upset her more since it would be more confusing ("Honey, can you send me sexy nudes? No, I don't want sex with you, just the pictures")?  Or, perhaps, as Sally said it's too close to RL sex stuff if it's his own wife. Without discussing it, there is no way to know his motivation. So, I'd recommend discussing it.

 

But, your original statement was that he should only be masturbating to pics of his wife. Which, plenty of people do that to pics of people other than their spouse. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, MangoBanana said:

To be fair, she asked "is this behavior of someone who is asexual" and the answer is "yes, it's common for asexual people to masturbate to porn".

It's not normal for an asexual though. It's normal for someone who is being dishonest and keeping secrets, whether sexual or ace, but it's not indicative of asexuals to be jerks who ignore their partners sexuality and appearance by saying "I'm ace which is why I don't find you attractive" but then go and keep naked pics of other women on their phone.

 

That's the issue I have. People are replying like "yes, that's totally normal for an asexual" while missing the actual issue, therefore passing all aces off as jerks with no empathy, no comprehension of their partners feelings, secretive, untrustworthy, dishonest, cruel, and extremely naive. 

 

 This guy is saying "I'm asexual that's why I have no attraction to you, I'm not interested in seeing you in your underwear and don't see you in a sexual away".. yet there are naked pics of other women on his phone. If any sexual guy was ignoring his wife sexually in this same way for years but perving on pics of other women behind his wife's back, people would say he probably isn't satisfied in any way with his wife, is one of those people who loses attraction to someone once they have them and gets bored with them almost instantly (quite common), some would say he's probably a compulsive cheater with no time to be interested his wife because he's too busy getting off with other girls, they would try to give explanations for what's going on with this sort of behaviour .. They wouldn't be replying "oh yep that's totally normal all men do that once in a relationship"... Yet for an ace guy people are saying: Yep it's totally normal learn to live with it.

 

Sure it's sort of common for an ace to jack off to porn, but to ignore your wife sexually and say the reason you're not interested in her in "that way" is because you're ace, yet be found with pics of other women naked on your phone? NOPE. Not "normal for an asexual" .. I wonder if Tele (random example of a sexual partner here) ever found pics of naked guys in sexy poses on his wife's phone people would be saying "oh she's ace, that's normal dude".. Or would they think maybe there's more to it than her being ace, and maybe more is happening below the surface that she isn't revealing to her husband.

 

The OP wasn't just asking "is it normal for an ace to have pics of women naked and watch porn etc"? But "is it normal for an ace to have no attraction to me, a very attractive woman, and say he doesn't view me sexually because he's ace.. Yet have pics of other attractive women naked on his phone.. which suggests actually yes he can definitely view women sexually... Just not his very attractive partner who he is married to." No, that's not normal. The OP's feelings of confusion over this are not unreasonable even though all the replies seem to be shutting her concerns down completely so in the end she was just like "okay thanks guys, now I know this is normal for an asexual".. NO IT'S NOT NORMAL FOR AN ASEXUAL, it's an issue that suggests a lot of dishonesty and secrecy on her partners part, and suggets that there is more going on here than him "just being asexual". She has every right to be hurt and confused by this situation as opposed to being told it's something totally normal like all asexuals treat their partners like that >.<

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, Kheîma said:

But, your original statement was that he should only be masturbating to pics of his wife. Which, plenty of people do that to pics of people other than their spouse. 

I explained that further in my reply to you before, that if he's going to be getting off sexually with anyone (even just wanking to their pics) it should be his wife. As opposed to telling his wife "I just don't view you that way because I'm ace" then going and keeping pics of other women naked on his phone which suggests he certainly does see some women "in that way", just not her. I was in a hurry when I wrote my first comment here and assumed people would understand what I meant. You replied that it's normal for sexual couples, but no it's not. Its not normal for sexual couples to completely ignore their own partner sexually for years despite all the effort their partner goes to to try to talk about the issue and be seen as sexy by wearing lingerie  etc, and the whole time the first partner was getting off to pics of other women naked. Okay, it does happen, but it's not normal and it's certainly not okay. You were referring to couples with healthy sex lives sometimes watching porn, which yes does happen. Its still not actually common for one partner to keep pics of other people naked their phone though. That's actually far less common and far less acceptable among monogamous couples regardless of how healthy their sex life is. Yet people are saying that because this guy is ace, this shit is apparently normal and okay. No the situation as a whole is not okay and it's not normal, regardless of whether he's sexual or ace.

 

He doesn't get a free pass just because he's saying he's ace, even though most people in this thread seem to want that for him: He's ace so it's totally normal T_T

 

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Serran
1 minute ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

I explained that further in my reply to you before, that if he's going to be getting off sexually with anyone (even it wanking to their pics) it should be his wife. Not telling his wife "I just don't view you that way because I'm ace" then going and keeping pics of other women naked on his phone which suggests he certainly does see some women "in that way", just not his wife. I was in a hurry when I wrote my first comment here and assumed people would understand what I meant. You replied that it's normal for sexual couples, but no it's not. 

My reply was directed at the if he has any pics on his phone, it should be of his wife. Which, is pretty normal. People keep pornography on their phone/mobile device a lot, since they use their desktops less and less. Yes, your last reply was longer and explained your position better. Your first reply sounded more like condemning him for keeping pornography, since it wasn't of his wife. Which, is a common thing for people (asexual or sexual) to do. Which is what I said was normal. 

 

The rest are things she'll have to discuss to figure out his motivations. For one, we don't even know if he is asexual (he hasn't said he is, just that he's sexually inexperienced and doesn't seem to be into it much). For two, we don't know his motivations for the pornography. Perhaps he didn't want to ask his wife for help with his libido in case it gave her the wrong idea about him and sex? 

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Tainted

Hi Mrs. Miss, just wanted to share my thoughts as I certainly see some parallels from my own experiences.

 

I discovered I am ace a few months ago, about 3 1/2 years into my marriage. Prior to this I had thought many things, that there was something wrong with me, that I needed to find the right person, even that everyone was lying to me and sex was awful for everyone. I never once thought it was something as simple as me not being sexual. I also bought into the lie that I wasn't a man if I didn't want sex.

 

While I cannot speak for your husband it could be that he has come to this realisation late as I did, or not at all. As others have said your best bet is to talk to your husband about this, it could a number of other things.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
2 hours ago, Kheîma said:

My reply was directed at the if he has any pics on his phone, it should be of his wife. Which, is pretty normal. People keep pornography on their phone/mobile device a lot, since they use their desktops less and less. Yes, your last reply was longer and explained your position better. Your first reply sounded more like condemning him for keeping pornography, since it wasn't of his wife. Which, is a common thing for people (asexual or sexual) to do. Which is what I said was normal. 

 

The rest are things she'll have to discuss to figure out his motivations. For one, we don't even know if he is asexual (he hasn't said he is, just that he's sexually inexperienced and doesn't seem to be into it much). For two, we don't know his motivations for the pornography. Perhaps he didn't want to ask his wife for help with his libido in case it gave her the wrong idea about him and sex? 

I was "condemning" him for the overall situation, keeping naked pictures not of his wife when his wife is there practically begging to be desired by him.

 

And I have known many sexual couples who would not be happy with either partner keeping pictures of other people naked on their phone, it's often an unspoken expectation among monogamous couples that you just don't do that sort of thing, regardless of how healthy your sexlife is. But in this case, the husband is replacing anything that may even vaguely substitute for a sex life with pictures of other women naked after the OP has repeatedly tried to talk to him about how she feels, wear lingerie to try to appear sexy to him etc. He maintained that the reason he wasn't interested in her like that is because he's ace, yet regardless of whether or not he's ace he's clearly capable of appreciating sexiness in other woman. So yeah, that's a massive issue and he doesn't just get a free pass for that "because he's ace so yeah it's totally normal" (way to make asexuals look like jerks to everyone who utterly misunderstood what the OP was asking and reassured her that this situation is totally normal, it's not T_T)

 

Regarding the rest, I assumed he'd told her he was ace because of how she asked the question "is it possible to say you're ace.." - as though he'd already clearly stated he's ace.

 

Regardless of whether or not he's clearly stated he's ace, this behaviour is not actually normally or acceptable the way everyone here is making it out to be. Its something that would upset many people in a monogamous relationship even if they had a healthy sex life, let alone when one partner is completely ignoring the other sexually yet secretly keeping pics of other naked people on their phone.

 

 

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AshenPhoenix
2 hours ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

I explained that further in my reply to you before, that if he's going to be getting off sexually with anyone (even just wanking to their pics) it should be his wife. As opposed to telling his wife "I just don't view you that way because I'm ace" then going and keeping pics of other women naked on his phone which suggests he certainly does see some women "in that way", just not her. I was in a hurry when I wrote my first comment here and assumed people would understand what I meant. You replied that it's normal for sexual couples, but no it's not. Its not normal for sexual couples to completely ignore their own partner sexually for years despite all the effort their partner goes to to try to talk about the issue and be seen as sexy by wearing lingerie  etc, and the whole time the first partner was getting off to pics of other women naked. Okay, it does happen, but it's not normal and it's certainly not okay. You were referring to couples with healthy sex lives sometimes watching porn, which yes does happen. Its still not actually common for one partner to keep pics of other people naked their phone though. That's actually far less common and far less acceptable among monogamous couples regardless of how healthy their sex life is. Yet people are saying that because this guy is ace, this shit is apparently normal and okay. No the situation as a whole is not okay and it's not normal, regardless of whether he's sexual or ace.

 

He doesn't get a free pass just because he's saying he's ace, even though most people in this thread seem to want that for him: He's ace so it's totally normal T_T

 

I think whether or not it's okay is up to each person and each couple as things go, and that is basically my response to most of what you've said.

 

In this case, yes, I would have to say it's probably not okay, since the OP's S/O knew they were very sexual. But we still don't know everything that's happening, maybe he doesn't even get off to them, maybe he can't get off to people IRL. I'm not saying this is what's happening, just that it's a possibility we should all always keep in mind. No one is saying "It's fine for your husband to have interest in other women but not you". People are saying asexuals can watch porn. Whether or not what is happening is okay is regardless of whether or not someone is asexual, and would regardless have to be decided by the people in the relationship, not anyone from the outside looking in. In my post, I encouraged the OP to talk to their husband about what's happening, because that's what they have to do, assuming things and thinking something is happening before even knowing the full details hardly ends up good. If the OP were to talk to their husband, find out the whole details, and THEN decide for themselves it's wrong, that's fine, and healthy.

 

As a person who has been in many atypical relationships, I don't think it's fair to immediately pass something off like that, I've been in and know of many relationships where it is "Common and normal" to be doing whatever the hell you want as people. No one is saying this is immediately normal or okay because he's ace, but I'd also venture to say it's not our decision, if OP decides this is something not worth salvaging after finding this out, that's their decision.

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