Looking For Advice

[Achronicity]

Hello, everyone

 

I’m looking for some advice on dealing with some things emotionally. I figured the AVEN community would be the best place to look, since my problems are intrinsically related to asexuality. There is a lot to tell, though, so bear with me if it feels like I’m all over the place…

 

I’ve identified as a demisexual for a while now. I was fortunate enough to make a friend that is very active in the LGBT+ community and she helped me understand that part of myself. I was never really that interested in sex and didn’t really have sexual feelings unless I was very close to a person. Even then, sometimes those feelings would fade and never resurface.

Moving on to the present. I’ve been in a romantic relationship for a little over five years, and in the past two years I’ve developed strong sexual feelings for my partner. I’ve never felt anything like it. Up until then, sex was just never part of the conversation. She never brought it up and I never brought it up. Whenever I told her how I was feeling, she got uncomfortable and always wanted to change the subject. In the last year she’s gotten more comfortable and we started exploring our sexualities together. We did some touching and rubbing and minor things like that. I enjoyed it quite a bit, on the physical end, but I could tell she didn’t like it. It was obviously a chore for her and she said as much when I confronted her.

 

Having my suspicions, I asked her to look into asexuality with me. We read some articles and watched a documentary. It took her a while to decide, but she now quite happily identifies as an asexual.

 

Now we are at the point where we’re trying to understand what that means for us. I want to experience a sexual relationship with her, but she doesn’t want anything to do with sex. As of now we’ve decided that sex just isn’t an option for us. I want the intimacy that comes with sex, but she simply can’t give that to me when she sees it as a chore. The pleasure of it would become bittersweet if she just forced herself. It seems like the best thing is to drop it.

 

Unfortunately, I still have all my sexual feelings. I can’t just make them go away. My partner is perfectly happy. Happier, really, than she’s ever been. But I’m stuck with this frustration and I’m at a loss as to how to cope. I can’t really even talk to my partner about this anymore, because she simply doesn’t understand. The idea that I’m never going to have sex with the one person I want it with is… overwhelming. Maybe one day my feelings will fade, but I have my doubts.

 

Is there anybody that faces a similar situation? What might be a good way of handling unmet sexual desires? Any advice at all would be much appreciated.