Newly dating a demisexual woman -- Advice?

[TarHeelWriter]

So I recently began dating a demisexual woman who I really like, find interesting, fun, and attractive.  We have alot in common and both seem to enjoy spending time together. I am very open minded about her sexual orientation and wanting to be supportive.  That said, as someone for whom attraction occurs differently and for whom physical intimacy and sex have been very important in a relationship, I find myself with alot of insecurity and fears about what this process looks like.

We've talked a little about what it looks like for her.

Anyway, I was just curious about the experience of other folks who, like me, are not on the asexual spectrum  who date or have partners who are demisexual and what your experience has been like.   Any advice?  Things to be aware of?  I'd love to hear from folks for whom it worked out and what that process looked like, but I'm ok to hear from some of you who decided it didn't work and why.

For me, right now, I really enjoy spending time with her, but it feels unusual to know that though she genuinely is interested in spending time with me, talking, and clearly likes me on a certain level, even wants to date, she doesn't share the same attraction for me I feel for her and doesn't know when/if that will happen.  And that actually is not a problem for her, just how things work. We actually did have a night after spending some time with each other over several dates, where we did kiss, even make out quite a bit, and she felt attraction and interest according to her, but the next times we saw each other she said she didn't feel the connection that made her feel attraction or desire for physical intimacy and couldn't explain while.  I found that very emotionally confusing & disheartening. Since I've never dated someone for whom the lack or loss of physical attraction did not mean a lack of interest in a relationship, it is hard to totally wrap my head around that.  Also I have kind of a fear that whatever clicked on where she was attracted to me that night won't click on again and, though I am ok with it now, it kind of played havoc with my feelings about being in a relationship when I first found out that could happen.  Also, since physical intimacy is something that I value when there is an emotional connection, I have to admit I have a fear we won't ever have that connection.

I had a few friends I talked about this with suggest I am being sort of led on here, but I can tell she has an interest in me and to me it makes sense that though this is complicated, it is a part of who she is, and being in a relationship with her would mean accepting her for who she is.  

By and large the way I'm trying to frame it in my mind is that she is interested me,  since she continues to want to talk and get together, but just needs the pace of relationship to move slow and needs someone who can respect physical intimacy coming on her terms.  I am not sure it is as simple as that, but I'm always big on being understanding of a partner's needs and embracing who they are, so that's how I'm trying to approach this.

Thanks in advance for your answers / feedback.

-- M

 

[Tarfeather]

Demisexual means effectively sexual in the context of a relationship. Sexuals don't all experience their sexuality the same way, that has little to do with the asexuality spectrum. Some have lower libido than others, some desire sex for different reasons than others, etc. If you expect that the only way for you to be sexually desired, is the common trope of someone finds you physically attractive -> they want to bang you, then that'll create issues with many potential partners for you, especially women, not just asexuality spectrum people.

 

I'm a high libido, very sexual person, and I'd also want to wait a few months at the very least before having sex in a relationship. There's just a lot of trust necessary for me in that. I have other perfectly normal sexual friends who feel the same way. I mean, it's up to you whether you're okay with waiting or not. You should only do it if you enjoy the relationship as is. But just the fact she wants to take things slow, doesn't mean sex is out of the question, and it certainly doesn't mean she's "leading you on".

 

Honestly, it strikes me as a highly toxic mindset to assume that if a woman isn't giving you sex or other physical intimacy, she must really not be interested and is leading you on. I mean, why would she do that? She's not getting anything out of it. Unless you buy into stupid trope of exchanging affection for sex, and that by giving affection and not receiving sex you're somehow not getting your "fair share of the deal". I'd reconsider asking anyone who thinks like that for advice.

[Ettina]

6 hours ago, Tarfeather said:

Demisexual means effectively sexual in the context of a relationship.

I'm not demisexual myself (as far as I know), but from what I've heard from those who are, this is not accurate for the majority of them.

 

Firstly, just because a demisexual can feel sexual attraction in the context of a close relationship doesn't mean that they will. Or that the relationship is doomed if they don't. If you are dating a demisexual and they aren't already sexually attracted to you, you should be prepared for the possibility that it might or might not happen. If it doesn't, then the demisexual would act "effectively asexual" in that relationship, despite having felt sexual attraction in previous relationships.

 

Plus, many demisexuals who are attracted to their current partner still experience attraction differently than a sexual person does. They might have a lower libido than average, they might have more limits on which activities they're comfortable with, they might find that their attraction fluctuates, etc. In essence, they might act "effectively grey-asexual".

 

Lastly, I'd just like to mention that just as a bisexual doesn't switch from gay to straight depending on who they're involved with, a demisexual is really still demisexual no matter whether they're in a relationship or not. It makes me uncomfortable to say someone is 'effectively' a different orientation than their true one.

[TarHeelWriter]

Wow, Tarfeather!  So this seems a suprisingly harsh and judgmental first response from a group for folks trying to be supportive!  It definitely misconstrues alot I am saying.  For me when I say "physically attractive" and talk about "physical intimacy", I mean a much richer concept than just wanting "to bang" someone.  I am more of a romantic who experiences the holding, kissing, touching, cuddling, in a relationship important for feeling connected romantically and I am actually pretty uncomfortable with sex as "banging" because I want it to be a part of expressing deep affection, which is a part of why I am pretty open-minded to being in a relationship with a person who is demisexual, which (from all the reading I've done) is listed as on the asexual spectrum.

The comments about being concerned I was being led on were actually from female friends who, though themselves queer, are allosexual (if I understand the term right) and imagine what it would mean if they were with a man acting in this way what it would mean...  I think they totally don't get the whole demisexual piece and that attraction can work differently, and physical intimacy, for other folks.  To me, I don't take "leading on" as what is happening but a legitimate interest that is experienced/expressed differently because of a different sexual/affectional orientation.

For me, I was hoping being on this group I could find folks able to help me understand and talk through how they figured out balancing out the very different attraction styles.  I am pretty hopeful this will work out for both of us, but not having had a relationship with someone on the asexual spectrum romantically before, I have alot of worry our needs will be so different it won't work.  My approach is if you care about someone, you try and try to be understanding.

 

[TarHeelWriter]

Ettinna --

Thanks, that is very helpful!

I think it is the uncertainty about if it will be long-term a kind of asexual dating relationship and my not knowing if that is something I can maintain long term as an ?allosexual? that is a worry.  And, yes, since attraction has happened and then abruptly stopped, I am very confused about how that functions.  We've talked, but she can't articulate it either.  

Anyway, I really appreciate your response.

[nanogretchen4]

I am demisexual. I would not say that this person is leading you on exactly, since in all likelihood she genuinely does not know whether she is going to develop sexual feelings for you. However, it would be fair to describe her dating strategy as putting you on hold. That is to say, she wants to keep you off the dating market during the time it takes her to figure out her feelings, so that you will be available just in case she does develop those feelings. In this dating strategy, the risk is assumed by you. Personally it takes me over a year and often over two years of friendship to potentially have sexual feelings for someone, but I never do develop those feelings for most of my friends. In my case it doesn't make sense to date someone unless I already have those feelings for them, at which point I am indeed a fairly average sexual woman with that person only. In my dating strategy the risk is assumed by me, since I might fall for someone who is unavailable or not interested in dating, and then I'm the one out of luck. If this person you are dating knows she is demisexual, she must have some past history of developing sexual feelings for someone after forming a strong emotional bond. I think it would be sensible to ask her some questions about how long it took, and whether once it happened she wanted sex on a regular basis over the longterm, or whether it was still only once in a blue moon. I also think it would be perfectly reasonable to put a time limit on how long you are willing to be kept on hold. For example, maybe break up after six months of dating if she still isn't sexually interested in you. I wouldn't recommend escalating your level of commitment too much, for example by moving in, until you have a clearer picture of where the relationship is heading.

[ChickenPadSeeEew]

I'm demisexual or grey-A.

 

It's great you're talking about it. The thing about being demisexual or grey-A is that, well, no one knows what's going to happen in terms of her desire for sexual intimacy (and your sense of satisfaction within the relationship) from hereon in. But I suppose that's like anything in a relationship? If it's early days and you're interested to keep going, keep talking when you can, that will help. You can reassess at any point. But you can't predict how things will go. No one can.

 

She is attracted to you, by the way. Drawn to you. It's just, so far, there isn't a desire for partnered sexual interaction with you. That doesn't necessarily diminish how interesting and important she finds you. If you continue, her desire might remain the same, or fluctuate, or increase. Who knows? For me, my desire for my partner increased in slow ways and in bigger jumps over years and years. The thing that I suspect made it increase is our emotional intimacy (anything from talking and talking, to sharing our flaws, to being playful with each other, and seeking the other out for most things; basically, becoming best friends). Just growing closer and closer. So talking, being close in other ways (presuming she likes that), could help you make sense of her demisexuality, what is going on for her, grow close to her in a variety of ways, and enjoy the relationship. It may or may not mean an increase in physical closeness as well. You might get to a point where you have to question if you'd be okay with no sex or having off-limit sexual activities. But you don't have to decide this yet. And it's something to discuss and work out together, if possible.

[coup de grâce]

Quote

as someone for whom attraction occurs differently and for whom physical intimacy and sex have been very important in a relationship, I find myself with alot of insecurity and fears about what this process looks like.

Hey Tarheel,

Hope I'm not misinterpreting your statement here, but I'm sensing you're worried about your partner's sex drive or the importance of sex and physical intimacy to her...Is that correct? Obviously I can't speak for everyone, as everyone varies, but as a demi-sexual myself I can easily say I have a VERY high sex drive and  physical intimacy is very high on my propriety list *when* with a committed partner. A person being demi-sexual doesn't guarantee a lack of sex-drive, etc. Not at all, it can possibly even mean the opposite. Because we only share these special connections with a couple of select people in our lifetime, when we do feel it the feelings can be more intense than that of a standard heterosexual. Lets just say because our sexual appitite isn't given out so freely, it means some of us have a lot to give lol. It just depends on the demi-sexual and how much they trust and are close with their partner. In fact, because our love is based on personality you don't have to worry about us losing the hots for you when you start losing hair or decide to quit the weekly escapades to the gym. Because of how we are, we're also one of the less likely to cheat on our partner. ;-) So you've done well dating a demi! :-D Again to give some reassurance that not all demis are suffering from a low libido, for myself all I need is 100% loyalty/trust (with the body and mind....mind includes eyes) and a personality that shares the same values as myself. If I have that, you've got yourself a true nympho for life. Morning, afternoon, evening...you name it! Obviously however my definition of loyalty is different than most people. It's hard to find people that have the same value and definition of loyalty in my eyes. Maybe she's waiting for that moment that confirms that she can 100% trust you, remind her (only if it's true!) that she's your world and you've only got eyes for her. But don't do it with words. Do it with actions. Words are cheap and usually surface deep just like physical appearances in many demis eyes. Trust takes time and effort. Best of luck to ya! Keep us informed. :-)