ashpenaz Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 I've spent most of my life identifying as gay by default, even though there was much in that culture I didn't understand or relate to. But I learned all the language and "secret signs" and mythology, even though I didn't participate much. I cried at Brokeback Mountain even though I honestly didn't understand what they were doing with each other--my romances at that age never went beyond cuddling and playing board games. When I found asexuality several years ago, I realized what I actually was--and asexual and homosexual are not the same things. We don't have the same stories or issues. There is some intersection because we are both gender-nonconforming. We are both subject to bullying and discrimination. But there are things which are true about being asexual which are not part of being gay, and vice versa. So, I'm getting used to not being gay. I used to look to gay couples as models until I realized I don't understand them anymore than I do straight couples--I don't understand any relationship based on sex. I've always felt like an outsider at Pride events since most of it is based on a celebration of sexual behavior. I realized that the guys at Stonewall were not asexuals. Identifying as gay was my way of navigating the world, as inadequate as that was. Now, I'm letting go of being gay. It's difficult, because asexuality is not as visible or as clear-cut. I wonder if other older asexuals are moving from the default gay identity into the asexual identity. Link to post Share on other sites
Moophie Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Ashpenaz, welcome to the club! ;p I thought I was a lesbian for the longest time, even after I realized I never sought out a relationship with any woman/trans woman. It was the only other option back then so... yup! Musta been gay! Your transition sounds much more strenuous than mine, though. You actually involved yourself in the gay community, even if it was a little, and sounds like you got pretty attached to it. I hope you're feeling a bit better about being somewhere on the ace spectrum. And I'm sure lots of other peeps here have had similar experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Tja Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 I too felt "gay by default". I do identify as homoromantic, but, have never had a relationship. I certainly never felt a part of the gay community. Link to post Share on other sites
TerrysAwake Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 I spent many years in gay relationships. Always having arguments about not being up for sex. I'd been trying to get help for PTSD all my life. When I finally did, I realized I was just chasing validation. And my interests expanded toward the feminine side. My no longer being able to say that I was just gay, was very freeing. I still don't care much for sex, but now I'M okay and relieved with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I never felt gay, but coming from the culture I did, a rural Scots one, I just went along with the myth that 'every pot has a lid' and feigned some interest, albeit shallow interest. In my heart (and kitchen) I knew that every pot does not have a lid...but only after I had had a sham marriage. Looking back, it wasn't possible to be ace any more than it was to be gay, despite it being the 'swinging sixties'. I didn't realise till recently , just how important sex is to people. At my new work, it's the first and last thing on most minds. It really surprised me, and for the first time I felt like I didn't fit in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Éadweard Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Back in the day any man not interested in women was deemed gay by society. Period. Didn't matter if you didn't like men either. Link to post Share on other sites
JackieSays Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 I was told I was a lesbian by my parents/siblings and for some reason I hated being called a lesbian since I didn't have any attraction towards anyone. So I had boyfriends just so my family would stop calling me a lesbian. Sex was 100% not interesting for me nor was it something I sought out. In the end I was used/abused/manipulated by a boyfriend for 5 years (we recently broke up last year) just so I wouldn't be called a lesbian by my family. I love being alone and thinking for myself and not being in a relationship. I feel emotionally scarred from my past relationship...he was only in it for the sex. Thankfully I never became pregnant. I now found my spine to tell my family that I'm Asexual and don't need a relationship with anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
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