Questions, fears and doubts about being with an Aromantic

[Andylon12]

As it stands to reason, I'm new here.

I want to be perfectly sure I don't end up offending anyone, I really am only just now realising the complexity of all this. Do forgive me if I say something that inadvertedly triggers someone, but be sure to point it out so I don't do it again.

 

I'm the mundane, I'm the cis dude but the curious kind, the empathy based kind and the willing to learn and adapt kind. The romantic, if only because all of his previous relationships have all been the "standard" stuff, of fluff and hugs and displays of affection and whatnot.

 

As a background to fill in for the anxiety that'll come in later in the wall of text, I was in a pretty serious relationship for six years, from my 19s to my 25s, I basically grew the latter part of my teens with this person and into the mid twenties, as suddenly as she came into my life, she was out, I had been betrayed and lied to at the end. This made me quiver and shudder at the thought of being with anyone else, I didn't want to go through that skin tearing feeling of sadness again, nor did I want to put myself in the position of having the possibility of going through it, so I just didn't invest in anyone.

 

However, a friend I had been particularly always interested in, not romantically at first either she was just interesting as a whole, and I grew closer to her and her to me, and we'd confide and we'd talk about stuff we wouldn't talk about with anyone else. We really opened up and the best part was the complete honesty all the time, we didn't feel the need to lie or make eachother feel better by covering up something with a white-lie or whatever, it felt like real trust. So eventually the walls I had built around myself came tearing down and she walked right in, that's exactly how I always describe it, because that's how it genuinely felt. We got involved, we started hanging out and stuff like that.

 

She's aromantic, I later realised this. She's definitely not comfortable nor does she need displays of affection at any point. She can't so much as give me anything more than a hug in public, as she does with other people. So basically, in public, I'm exactly the same as everyone else except not really because her feelings for me are still different, I know that much about her.

 

I do know I love her, she's incredibly amazing and she makes me feel amazing, she has assured me that she's happy by being with me and that the fact that I can understand her and accept her the way she is makes her happy. And I wouldn't leave her because of something like this, nor are my feelings degrading at all because at the end of the day, she's still as amazing as ever and I'm lucky to have her "beside" me.

 

However, due to the battle scars that my previous relationship has left, I am left always insecure because I feel like she'll get bored of me eventually like what seemingly happened before, and I'm trying to understand and deal with it and the whole aromantic side of her, believe me, I really want to grasp it because I don't want to lose one of the most amazing people I've ever met so far. We have an openness that I didn't ever have with previous relationships, that helps too. But I don't want to hurt her with my doubts, yesterday we talked about this and I brushed the subject slightly but she interpreted it as me percieving that side of her as a problem, which I don't. I just want to be able to understand it and adjust to it, I have been formated all my life, I can't help it.

 

If it helps, we have a great and engaging sex-life and she has told me that I have found stuff about her body that she hadn't ever experienced with previous people, and that she can actually get there from penetration with me when that was really REALLY rare in the past. That also makes me happy, it means something's different about me from her perspective.

 

All of this to say that I could really get some pointers from people who are more familiar or are also aromantic on how to go from here. Keypoints: I don't want to lose her; I really do love her; We're exclusive but not in a 'relationship' per se; I want to understand her; I want to be able to cope with it; I want her to keep being happy.

 

Sorry for the wall of text, and please help the alien romantic a bit, please.

[Ettina]

I can tell you that essentially being aromantic means that if she likes you, she likes you as a friend, not a romantic partner. Now, many aromantic people like to have super-close friends, kind of like Sherlock and Watson. This is often called a queerplatonic relationship. In theory, it might work to have a relationship that's a QPR for the aromantic person but romantic for the romantic person. I've considered that situation from an aromantic perspective and it's something that I could see myself enjoying. But I don't know if it would work for the romantic person.

 

Essentially what you need to ask yourself is whether you think you can be comfortable with the idea of you and her being in a relationship where you both feel strongly for each other but in different ways. If this relationship is going to work, it needs to meet both of your needs. Do you think the way she's acted so far will meet your needs?    

[Busrider]

Case specific suggestion: Propose marriage & follow orders.

 

I'd expect sexual aromantic females to be very rare. - If you worry about not getting enough affection: Ponder adding an at least mid sized puppy into your life. Warning: AFAIK long hugs are uncomfortable for those too, but you'll have some personality pouncing on and slobbering all over you.

 

[Andylon12]

16 hours ago, Ettina said:

I can tell you that essentially being aromantic means that if she likes you, she likes you as a friend, not a romantic partner. Now, many aromantic people like to have super-close friends, kind of like Sherlock and Watson. This is often called a queerplatonic relationship. In theory, it might work to have a relationship that's a QPR for the aromantic person but romantic for the romantic person. I've considered that situation from an aromantic perspective and it's something that I could see myself enjoying. But I don't know if it would work for the romantic person.

 

Essentially what you need to ask yourself is whether you think you can be comfortable with the idea of you and her being in a relationship where you both feel strongly for each other but in different ways. If this relationship is going to work, it needs to meet both of your needs. Do you think the way she's acted so far will meet your needs?    

We are trying to acclimate to eachother's personalities, I genuinely don't know if I'll be able to cope with it or not in the long run because I have no past experience to be honest. But I know she's trying her best too, she doesn't like sitting on my lap even in private, for example, but sometimes she cuts corners and will of her own accord. I see that as her trying to make things even out between us. It's little things like that, like us being in the middle of people and if she's saying "Bye" she'll give me a hug from behind and the ocasional butt poke ever so sneakily. I know for a fact that she's trying.

 

So as we have mutual respect, full disclosure and actual full honesty ever since as far back as I remember, we have been communicative of this. And as I don't want to stop being with her, and because I respect her a whole lot, I don't want this to be the reason that we stop seeing eachother, so I try my hand at adjusting too. It's all about meeting in the middle I think.

 

15 hours ago, Busrider said:

Case specific suggestion: Propose marriage & follow orders.

 

I'd expect sexual aromantic females to be very rare. - If you worry about not getting enough affection: Ponder adding an at least mid sized puppy into your life. Warning: AFAIK long hugs are uncomfortable for those too, but you'll have some personality pouncing on and slobbering all over you.

 

Legitimately didn't get this. Personally, to me, this isn't a joke. This is someone I want to be with and dedicate myself to.

[Busrider]

Quote

to me, this isn't a joke. This is someone I want to be with and dedicate myself to.

Would marriage exclude that?

[Andylon12]

14 hours ago, Busrider said:

Would marriage exclude that?

Oh, so your suggestion was actually serious? If she's okay with it, I would have no qualms with that.

 

For once, I know I wanna be beside someone so I'd be willing to commit that much to it.

[Ettina]

Just found this comic about an aro/allo mixed relationship:

 

http://chekhovandowl.tumblr.com/girlfriendquestion