How Did You Figure Out You Were Asexual?

[Soledad]

The first time I noticed that something was "wrong" with me was at the age of 19. I always fought with a partner I had at the time about having sex. I didn't feel what I was expected to. I didn't know the term 'asexuality' then and was sure it was just a question of time and I would find the "right" person. Some years ago, I read something about asexuality related to the pride parade. I didn't think it had something to do with me and was still full of hope to find "my person". That person never appeared. I continued suffering from every new relationship. Approximately a month ago, finding myself very lonely and broken in many ways, I started to read about asexuality and found it familiar, like the hug I've always craved for. Now, at the age of 27, I understand myself better.

[KoiFishShoes]

I stumbled across AVEN sometime the winter of 2005-2006 while trying to figure out a different reproductive problem. I had a "there's a name for this thing!" moment and mentally filed asexuality away as an option. I still went the "maybe there's something wrong with me" route for 2-3 more years, but there wasn't. I was in a 10+ year relationship and wasn't out to anyone but my former partner until 2017, so navigating dating/relationships while ace is still new for me.

[Fighting_For_Us]

Thank you for sharing your story! I truly hope you're able to figure out what label fits you the best. Don't worry if I changes a bit over time as you learn about yourself and the different labels. ❤️

 

For me, I first heard about asexuality from someone at my gym. She was my coach and we were friends on Facebook, where she shared a post that introduced me to asexuality. It immediately clicked, and I would message her sometimes thanking her for the posts she shared/wrote and asking questions.

Eventually, after a gym event, we had the chance to talk about ace stuff in person - the first time either of us had done that. It was magical.

We've now known eachother for over two years and are best friends. I'm closer to her than I've ever been to anyone else, and she's helped me through a lot. 😊 She's my dude-bro.

If you know of any, I'd definitely recommend reaching out to any local aces and talking to them in person. Getting to discuss things out loud helped me a lot in sorting out my feelings when I was questioning. 

[PittAce92]

On 6/13/2019 at 2:04 PM, Trebledteen897 said:

I also came out to my parents.

That is great! Mine were too, but even said, "we never really wanted grandchildren anyway."  

[PittAce92]

On 6/18/2019 at 12:55 AM, Fighting_For_Us said:

For me, I first heard about asexuality from someone at my gym. She was my coach and we were friends on Facebook, where she shared a post that introduced me to asexuality. It immediately clicked, and I would message her sometimes thanking her for the posts she shared/wrote and asking questions.

I think that is usually the case as well as the most helpful is hearing actual stories of how people came to terms in their own way (that was mine for sure).  

[KHolik]

On 1/29/2017 at 12:15 AM, Starfall said:

Hi and Welcome!!!! 

I figured out I was asexual last spring. Like you, I was 22 and had never been in a relationship or been kissed. I thought there must be something wrong with me because I was 22 and still a virgin. I wasted so much time worrying about why I hadn't had sex yet, that it never occurred to me to wonder if I even wanted sex. Last spring, I spent a lot of time researching asexuality. I had heard of it before, but always dismissed it as a possibility because I sometimes experience arousal. It took a lot of googling to find people whose experiences resembled my own to figure out that I was actually somewhere on the ace spectrum.

 

You mentioned being unhappy with your lack of desire for sex. I don't know if this will help, but I will point out that we live in a culture which glorifies sex, and emphasizes that we cannot possibly be happy without it. These values may be true for the allosexual majority, but for us asexuals, there is no reason why we can't live happy, wonderful lives completely devoid of sex. It isn't necessary for us, and western culture's obsession with it is a little ridiculous.

 

Don't worry that you don't seem to act or feel like other people. You know best what you think, want and feel, so just ignore society telling you to be a certain way. Only you know what's right for you, regardless of what everyone else says is 'normal'.   

 

[KHolik]

On 1/29/2017 at 12:15 AM, Starfall said:

Hi and Welcome!!!! 

I figured out I was asexual last spring. Like you, I was 22 and had never been in a relationship or been kissed. I thought there must be something wrong with me because I was 22 and still a virgin. I wasted so much time worrying about why I hadn't had sex yet, that it never occurred to me to wonder if I even wanted sex. Last spring, I spent a lot of time researching asexuality. I had heard of it before, but always dismissed it as a possibility because I sometimes experience arousal. It took a lot of googling to find people whose experiences resembled my own to figure out that I was actually somewhere on the ace spectrum.

 

You mentioned being unhappy with your lack of desire for sex. I don't know if this will help, but I will point out that we live in a culture which glorifies sex, and emphasizes that we cannot possibly be happy without it. These values may be true for the allosexual majority, but for us asexuals, there is no reason why we can't live happy, wonderful lives completely devoid of sex. It isn't necessary for us, and western culture's obsession with it is a little ridiculous.

 

Don't worry that you don't seem to act or feel like other people. You know best what you think, want and feel, so just ignore society telling you to be a certain way. Only you know what's right for you, regardless of what everyone else says is 'normal'.   

I like the last 2 paragraphs you posted.   I am in my 50's and I dated many guys in my 20's & 30's.  I never had a real loving relationship basically cause they all cheated. Then when I turned 40 I just gave up and realized there is more to life.  I hear women and men talk about how they wished they never got married. And also how thy are glad they are married because they wouldn't want to be alone.   This all sounds depressing to me.  I just wish I could have realized all of this back when I was at least 39 years old.   Or sooner.  I suppose I am asexual; but it doesn't matter.   Call it what you want.  I call it "Being Happy and Content".  Starfall thanks for your wise words...............

[Marlow1]

I had a brain hemorrhage and lost attraction to my wife. She was devastated but I could not understand why she was so bothered. This triggered hypersexuality thoughts and behaviour in her, which she was very distressed about. We saw a therapist and found out that I have (from birth)  Aphantasia (my previous posts explain this) 

 

We looked into this further and realised that I had never been sexually attracted to anybody else besides my wife, and other stuff came up like the way I do not, and never have masturbated, nor had any interest in porn etc. Our Therapist clicked on that I might be Demisexual and recommended AVEN

 

Here I realised that the rest of the world is not like me and that my wife's concerns about my lack of attraction to her and me not understanding why this would bother her so much was all tied in with the Aphantasia and that I probably am Demisexual

 

A possible link between Aphantasia and being on the Asexual Spectrum was looked into here (Please note, not everybody that is Asexual has Aphantasia, but many many people that have Aphantasia do say they fall somewhere on the Asexual Spectrum) 

 

I realise that I am not Asexual, but I have mentioned all this because it is how we found out that I am on the Asexual Spectrum, and the information we have gathered through this process has helped us repair our marriage

 

[Boston]

My husband suggested it. I thought I just had “low libido” or had too much “baggage” from past relationships. When he brought it up as a term it occurred to me for the first time that there may be a community of others experiencing similar things, and maybe it would not turn out to be something I should feel shame about and have to fix.