Teen Corner

[Gethealien]

On ‎6‎/‎27‎/‎2018 at 4:37 AM, Hayis4horses said:

Hey peeps. I made the Teen Club...It just has to be approved by a mod. Then all of you can join. 😎 Should I change it to specifically be about whatever teens wanna say or specifically about teens questions about asexuality?

how do u join? Xx

[Athena32]

 

The club hasn't been approved yet, because the feature is still in testing. I'm not sure when/if it'll become an official thing, but we'll probably talk about it a lot on this thread when that happens. 

[Great Blue Heron]

Is there a way to access clubs on mobile?

[FriendlyFangirl]

15 hours ago, Great Blue Heron said:

Is there a way to access clubs on mobile?

I can only go on aven on my tablet because I'm not out to my family and I don't want it saved to the desktop.

[Skycaptain]

@Great Blue Heron, you can't access clubs at the moment. It's a feature we found on the server's software, the staff are testing it out to see how it works. It is not decided yet whether we will go ahead with them. 

[Great Blue Heron]

Thanks!

[Athena32]

Guys, tomorrow I'm going to come out to my parents, and I'm super nervous. I wrote a letter, and I'm going to spend the day with my friend and send it from their place, but I'm still… aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

 

I don't know. It's just a big step, and everything gets so much more real, you know? 

[iam135]

1 hour ago, Athena32 said:

Guys, tomorrow I'm going to come out to my parents, and I'm super nervous. I wrote a letter, and I'm going to spend the day with my friend and send it from their place, but I'm still… aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

 

I don't know. It's just a big step, and everything gets so much more real, you know? 

I don't have any good advice for you here, but congrats on taking a big step (and kudos for being braver than me) 😊!

[Guest]

Are there any trans ace teens here? I’d love to talk to people with experiences similar to mine, as long as no one asks me for personally identifying info. (I’m risk averse, and my parents are overprotective and wouldn’t want me telling strangers where I live.)

[Athena32]

Guys! Guess what?

 

IT WENT WELL, AND THEY BASICALLY COULDN'T CARE LESS!!!!!!!

 

Much more anti-climactic than I was expecting, actually. But this means that I get to go to Pride with full face paint, so… 

[iam135]

38 minutes ago, Athena32 said:

Guys! Guess what?

 

IT WENT WELL, AND THEY BASICALLY COULDN'T CARE LESS!!!!!!!

 

Much more anti-climactic than I was expecting, actually. But this means that I get to go to Pride with full face paint, so… 

Yay 😁! Have some celebratory cake:

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Athena32 said:

Guys! Guess what?

 

IT WENT WELL, AND THEY BASICALLY COULDN'T CARE LESS!!!!!!!

 

Much more anti-climactic than I was expecting, actually. But this means that I get to go to Pride with full face paint, so… 

Congratulations! I came out to my parents as ace, and later as panromantic, in person, so my experience was different, but I’m glad your parents reacted like mine did!

[Tintinfan]

2 hours ago, Athena32 said:

Guys! Guess what?

 

IT WENT WELL, AND THEY BASICALLY COULDN'T CARE LESS!!!!!!!

 

Much more anti-climactic than I was expecting, actually. But this means that I get to go to Pride with full face paint, so… 

HORRAY!!!!!!

[Mx. Who]

5 hours ago, Athena32 said:

Guys! Guess what?

 

IT WENT WELL, AND THEY BASICALLY COULDN'T CARE LESS!!!!!!!

 

Much more anti-climactic than I was expecting, actually. But this means that I get to go to Pride with full face paint, so… 

WOOHOO

I'm so happy for you!!!

[Starfiery]

 Congrats!

 

@nelpogrando I am currently questioning my gender, if that counts? 

[Neutral nerd]

9 hours ago, nelpogrando said:

Are there any trans ace teens here? I’d love to talk to people with experiences similar to mine, as long as no one asks me for personally identifying info. (I’m risk averse, and my parents are overprotective and wouldn’t want me telling strangers where I live.)

I have strong dysphoria with my female body. I can't wait until I'm old enough to transition into a comfortable form. It'll be a while though...

[Guest]

12 hours ago, Starfiery said:

 Congrats!

 

@nelpogrando I am currently questioning my gender, if that counts? 

It sort of does. If you need advice or someone to bounce ideas off of while you figure yourself out I’m happy to talk to you.

[Guest]

11 hours ago, Neutral nerd said:

I have strong dysphoria with my female body. I can't wait until I'm old enough to transition into a comfortable form. It'll be a while though...

I can relate to that. My dysphoria is usually fairly mild, but I think I’m probably subconsciously suppressing part of it. I can’t wait until I’m able to get top surgery.

[Julia Schwartz]

Ugh sorry to rant to all you lovely people but I need someone to commiserate with. We're staying with my extended family right now, and my mom was talking to my cousins, both of whom recently started dating. She was running off a list of requirements for them, and everyone was laughing, but then she said you have to be physically attracted to them. Then, she said that they should look at them sometimes and think "Wow". My parents first got together because my mom thought my dad's legs were hot! Everyone at the table nodded like this was an accepted fact, but I was just kinda confused and even more nervous. I've been slowly working up the courage to come out to my parents, who are both liberal and very accepting of my LGBT+ friends, but I'm not so sure what they'd think about asexuality. They seem more inclined to accept me as straight or gay (I think they suspect that I'm a lesbian), and not so much towards the less known about sexualities/genders. Both of them have said they dislike the idea of calling someone "they" instead of he or she, and they didn't really even understand bisexuality. Does anyone else have this problem, parents or friends who are totally okay with more "mainstream" identities but maybe not with being ace?

[Mx. Who]

2 minutes ago, Julia Schwartz said:

Does anyone else have this problem, parents or friends who are totally okay with more "mainstream" identities but maybe not with being ace?

Sorry love, but my parents (even though I love them to infinity and they are amazing) don't really approve of any LGBT identities. (They won't discriminate though, which is good.)

[Feryn_Hyte]

On a completely unrelated note I just came out to my sister Reverse Bel-Air style...

 

It was terrifying, and also probably the funniest way I've come out yet.

 

Side note: If they aren't expecting it, the look they'll give you is priceless.

 

Spoiler

This is a story all about how

 

My life got flipped turned upside down

 

Now I'd like to take a minute

 

Sit right there

 

I'll tell how I came to the conclusion that I'm an Asexual individual and I'm probably Trans too.

 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[MangleMoments]

Okay wow a lot has happened since I’ve been away! Well congrats to the people who have come out ! And I have literally no idea what else happened I was in the mountains for a week 😝😝

 

[Julia Schwartz]

On 7/4/2018 at 9:35 PM, Miss Who said:

Sorry love, but my parents (even though I love them to infinity and they are amazing) don't really approve of any LGBT identities. (They won't discriminate though, which is good.)

I'm so sorry, that was incredibly rude and insensitive of me. I'm lucky that my parents are open to even some identities.

[Athena32]

On July 4, 2018 at 9:32 PM, Julia Schwartz said:

Does anyone else have this problem, parents or friends who are totally okay with more "mainstream" identities but maybe not with being ace?

I mean, you heard me celebrating that coming out went well, but I did worry about this for a while. See, it would be so easy to be like "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." They know what it is, there are misconceptions but significantly less than asexuality, and they either accept you or they don't. You don't have to deliver a 40 minute explanation as to what it is. (Why I came out by letter-- if you don't want to explain and get your parent's awkward questions in person, write a letter and provide them with some resources. If you want to see the ones I used, just ask.)

 

However, the fact that they are okay with mainstream identities means that they can probably extend that to asexuality if you come out to them. I'm pretty sure that one big factor in the acceptance of gay people is knowing someone who's openly gay. After all, it's easy to hate on a faceless group, but not so easy to hate on your favorite aunt or child. 

3 hours ago, Julia Schwartz said:

I'm lucky that my parents are open to even some identities.

Yeah, you are, but that doesn't make your difficulties with them any less difficult. Don't let our experiences invalidate yours-- feel free to complain! 

[Julia Schwartz]

2 hours ago, Athena32 said:

You don't have to deliver a 40 minute explanation as to what it is. (Why I came out by letter-- if you don't want to explain and get your parent's awkward questions in person, write a letter and provide them with some resources. If you want to see the ones I used, just ask.)

 

However, the fact that they are okay with mainstream identities means that they can probably extend that to asexuality if you come out to them. I'm pretty sure that one big factor in the acceptance of gay people is knowing someone who's openly gay. After all, it's easy to hate on a faceless group, but not so easy to hate on your favorite aunt or child. 

Thank you!!! Coming out by letter to avoid some initial awkward explanations is a good idea, and I would love to see some of the resources you cited. If I properly argue the facts, they'll probably be okay with it. 

[Athena32]

http://www.asexualityarchive.com/a-parents-guide-to-asexuality/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouSo2SMB6K4&t=23s&index=11&list=PLD67r0gRDpgu-rTBUgtvrjAVhI1yra4Vp

https://www.asexuality.org/?q=family.html

 

Those are my resources, in that specific order. My friend who was helping me write it suggested 3 links, because people tend to like things in threes. 

Here's my letter:

 

Dear Mom and Dad,

I just wanted to let you know that I am asexual. That is a term for a sexual orientation that means I don’t experience sexual attraction, or the desire to do sexual things with another person, at all. However, I am romantically attracted to men, or hetero-romantic. I wanted to tell you this because I’m tired of feeling like I have to hide a part of myself from you both.

Over the past few months I’ve been struggling with my identity, and thinking about what the label of asexual means to me. It really fits, and it explains so much. When I first came across asexuality in my work with the  GSA, I didn’t think much of it. It was just another term, and I read the definition and moved on. Then, during the summer of 8th grade year, I came across some fanfiction that portrayed an asexual character, and I realized that the character sounded like me. Over the span of about two days, I went on a knowledge binge where I went really in-depth on the subject of asexuality, trying to figure out if it fit me. I even started watching Fifth Harmony music videos and gauging my reaction. Surely I would be attracted to the shirtless men with six packs, or maybe I was secretly a lesbian and attracted to the women. All I remember is feeling a little lost, confused, and then guilty because I wasn’t feeling what I thought I was supposed to.

During those two days I came across AVEN, or Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. It’s a giant site with thousands of members who are also a-spec (the term for people who are on the asexual spectrum), and I loved reading through the forums. I tried making an account on the second day, but I never got the confirmation email.

It was then that I took a step back and just thought for a bit. I told myself that I was too young to worry about it, and that I should just push the thought of being asexual aside for a little while, to see if I experienced the magical sexual attraction in high school. I promptly forgot all about it until about halfway through this year, when I was in my first relationship.

Dating was when I realized that I wasn’t typical. We kissed once, and I kind of hated it. (I told him so-- like I said, we only kissed once.) Even when we were cuddling, I didn’t ever want it to go farther. He always respected my boundaries, but I could tell that he was a little disappointed inside. I think, looking back, that my guilt over that was part of what killed the relationship. I just felt like I wasn’t whole, and I could never be the perfect girlfriend because I wouldn’t kiss, or even be willing to hug much on certain days. I knew that I didn’t owe anyone anything, but I sometimes wished that I could somehow just not feel that way, even though it’s not a choice.

It was during that time when I started thinking more about asexuality. I felt like it was the right time, and I proceeded to educate myself very thoroughly. My biggest question was “How do I know if I’m asexual if I don’t know what sexual attraction is so how can I know if I feel it or not?” I was so hung up on this, and spent whole weeks thinking about it in my head. Then I watched a video called “Signs You May Be Asexual,” and it ended with saying that, if you care enough to do research and watch a video talking about signs that you may be asexual, you might be asexual. That was my “holy shit I’m asexual” moment.

I properly joined AVEN, and started posting saying I was asexual-ish. I met a bunch of wonderful and supportive people who understood what I was going through, and joined a group of teens around my age who also identify as ace (abbreviation for asexual, also an umbrella term for a-spec identities). Gradually I became more comfortable in my identity, and I now refer to myself as asexual.

A big part of that shift came from coming to terms with the fact that, while sexuality is fluid and my identity could change, that change wouldn’t be the end of the world. If tomorrow my label changes, that’s okay. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. However, right now I don’t feel like it’ll change, so I’d like you to treat it as something that’s not up for debate.

I feel so much better now that I’ve come to terms with myself. I know that it sounds silly that a simple word could mean so much, but it represents a part of me I’ve always known has been there. I’m happy calling myself asexual. I’m asexual, and I’m not broken. That thought still makes me want to cry, even now.

What this means for the future, I don’t know. I may never be comfortable with the idea of having sex, and, honestly, I’m happy with the idea of staying a virgin forever. I’m pretty sex-repulsed when it comes to anything involving myself (I’m cool with other people having sex, as long as it’s safe and consensual. I would consider myself sex-neutral/sex-positive as far as situations that don’t directly involve me.) I would be happy with either a romantic relationship or a bunch of really strong friendships for the rest of my life. If I ever do get married, I’d rather consummate my marriage with a board game night or a Doctor Who marathon.

Lately I’ve been really anxious about coming out to you both, especially you, Mom. A while ago we had a conversation where you mentioned that you’d like to have an asexual client, and then you mentioned an “asexual” person that you knew that was very anti-sexual and obviously had some deeper problems going on. That scared me, because I worried that you thought that all asexual people are sexually repressed and have emotional problems. That statement is absolutely not true, but I worried about the assumptions that you’d make when I told you. That’s honestly part of the reason I’m writing a letter, so you both can educate yourselves before we talk about this again.

And Dad, if you were wondering what I’ve been doing on the laptop that I wouldn’t let you see, I was on AVEN. I’m pretty sure you assumed that I was doing something naughty, when it was really the complete opposite. Kinda ironic, when you think about it. One of the (admittedly, smaller) benefits of coming out, beyond just the emotional aspect of not having to lie anymore, is that I don’t have to close the laptop every time someone comes into the room.

When you both are reviewing the resources I’ve given you, please read them with an open mind. I really want you both to be educated so you don’t say something well meant but really bigoted. Knowing that you both understand and that you care enough to understand will help me a lot, so I hope that you can respect that. If you have any questions about asexuality in general, I would suggest googling them first. If you have any questions for me specifically, please wait until I ask you for them. We will discuss this in person soon, but I’d like you both to process and learn about it first.

Thank you both for being such awesome parents, and I’m so lucky to have you two in my life. I love you both so much, and I hope that you’ll love this part of me in the same way you love the rest of me.

Love,

Athena

 

(I've caked out a few names and places, for the sake of privacy)

 

 

I hope that helps!

 

 

[Julia Schwartz]

@Athena32 Thanks again! Your letter was fantastic and you're truly an inspiration. Hopefully I can work on writing one of my own and come out to my parents later this year.

[Hayis4horses]

On 7/4/2018 at 9:32 PM, Julia Schwartz said:

Both of them have said they dislike the idea of calling someone "they" instead of he or she

My parents have a hard time using "they/them" pronouns. My papa especially does, and says it doesn't make sense to him and that he is too old for this, when I correct him. It's like he doesn't even try. It frustrates me and always ends in an argument. At least, when my friend or my teacher (who use "they/them" pronouns) is present he just uses their name. But, my parents are cool with all LGBTQ+ identities, just get hung up on "they/them" pronouns. 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Hayis4horses said:

My parents have a hard time using "they/them" pronouns. My papa especially does, and says it doesn't make sense to him and that he is too old for this, when I correct him. It's like he doesn't even try. It frustrates me and always ends in an argument. At least, when my friend or my teacher (who use "they/them" pronouns) is present he just uses their name. But, my parents are cool with all LGBTQ+ identities, just get hung up on "they/them" pronouns. 

I don't know your parents, but if they accept the idea of nonbinary people, give them time. When I first came out as nonbinary, my parents were resistant to using they/them for me, and it seemed like they weren't trying, but nowadays they've gotten noticeably better at it.

[OhDearyMe!]

On 6/14/2018 at 2:11 AM, SpACEd Out said:

A lot has happened on this thread since this post but whatever, I'm still going to respond cuz I have something to say so why not......

 

anyway, the only person I've come out to irl is my former therapist (when she still was my therapist. My parents might make go back though.... anyway, not the point). When she told me I "couldn't be asexual" I asked her what age females usually start experiencing sexual attraction. She answered: "twelve." That conversation was this year. I'm 16. Wtf. Anyway, made me realize that while it's possible I'm a late bloomer (tmi but... physically I was on the early side), it's also very possible that I'm ace or at least ace spectrum.

I’m so late answering this sorry 😅 But anyways! I kind of hate your therapist 😆 And yeah I was also early in my blooming (physically). I was quite shocked when I realised that every single one of my friends masturbates. And I was also realllllyyy shocked when they told me that the frequency of that activity is about 2 or 3 times a week. It was last year that they told me so, and I (a year later) can’t even imagine kissing someone. One of my friends recently lost her virginity 😳.... We’re 15.... Idk I find that wayyyy too early.. But I don’t want to sound like the Mum in the group so I keep my mouth shut.

My Mum fully supports me and my orientation but I often remember this story she told me about this friend of hers who never imagined doing anything with boys but when she turned 16 she suddenly went boy crazy. I find this hard to believe but this story often makes me question if I’m asexual or just not interested yet.