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Need help please - think I am married to an asexual


Metaig

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Help please.

 
I believe my husband is asexual and I am not sure what to do.
 
I have been with him for 12 years and we have two children. We have a good life, get on extremely well and have a great partnership with no other issues outside the lack of sex life for me.
 
He has never admitted to being asexual. Almost every year we have "the conversation" which involves me asking why he never initiates sex. It has tormented me and made me deeply unattractive and undesirable. I have wondered if he is gay, having an affair and all the other questions one might ask. Given that before he met me at 28, he had never had sex, nor have we ever had a very active sex life, I have to assume he is asexual. I can undress in front of him and he won't even glance at me, I can press up the him and he won't respond as a man might. 
 
I am at a loss now, because I do not want to go the rest of my life without sex. He will try for me, but I have got to the point that I am so upset by his physical reaction to me (he loses his erection) It makes me so sad. It feels like he is repulsed by me and in return I feel like I don't want him near me any more. He makes all sorts of excuses and is dishonest with me, for example we tried sex a month ago, he felt flaccid inside me, then insisted we get a condom, then could not get an erection and said it was because he had nearly ejaculated and had to stop. None of this was true, he never had an erection in the first place and I feel humiliated 
 
Over the years I have said that if things do not improve, I will have an affair and last year I said that I would not have this conversation again, I could not bare the humiliation of it.  His only objection to me having an affair seemed to be that he was worried I would be out all the time! Again this devastated me. Later him seemed anxious at the thought of an affair and things improved somewhat but eventually went back to old ways.
 
I love him and I would happily be with him forever. I feel awful and I don't want to split up what is a very happy family. I would like to continue this relationship with the freedom to have other sexual partners. Part of me thinks he wants this to happen but thinks it is too unconventional to approve. Has he given me permission by not responding to my ultimatum?
 
If I did have an affair, I would be seen as the home wrecker, but i feel it is deeply unfair that he allows this to continue without acknowledging  the issue and taking responsibility for it. I feel that if he is this way and knows that I cannot live without the sex, then he should leave me if he cannot let me have sexual freedom elsewhere. Instead he strings me along with promises that things will get better. 
 
I know that people will say I should talk to him again, but please understand that I have over and over. This has caused me an enormous about of heartache over the 12 years. With kids involved it makes it harder. I have had many opportunities to cheat on him and haven't because I have always believed things would change and now I am 38 and wishing I hadn't missed out on those opportunities. 
 
I hope I don't come across as exceptionally selfish but I feel like someone has stolen my life, equally I love him with all my heart and find him to be the best person to be around.
 
Does anyone have advice, to any asexuals, how would you feel if you were cheated on?
 
I really have no idea what to do. I think it would be a shame to give up our family and happiness for something which will probably eventually die out for me too. Would an indiscretion hurt if it was to save our relationship?
 
Thank you in advance 
 
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If I were your husband, the thing I would be most afraid of was that you would grow strongly emotionally attached to whoever you were having an affair with, and eventually leave me to stay with that other person. Unless you can somehow ensure him that that won't happen, I think it's a risky road to go down. I know this sounds trivial, but have you tried to see if you can find a substitute that doesn't necessarily require the use of his penis? Since he seems tolerant of being naked together in general, I imagine he would be open to other ways of having fun in the bedroom that might work as a suitable sexual stimulant for you.

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Thankfully affairs aren't the only option for situations like this.

 

An open relationship is a relatively common comprimise that pops up in similar situations. And I believe it's a great idea, so long as it's handled well and everyone involved understands what it's all about.

 

But don't just run off unannounced and have an affair. That makes it sound like you don't still love him and you're actually trying to get back at him.

 

What your husband needs to understand is that you have needs that are going unfulfilled. And it's enough that it bothers you. Yes he may be an asexual and it may seem unfair, but he's in a committed relationship and has a responsibility to make you happy. Just as you have that same responsibility for him.

 

My advice is definitely do not shut communication down. If you want to go through with this you absolutely have to talk to him about it and come to some kind of agreement. Something that works best for both of you. He may not be incredibly comfortable about it, which I can understand, but if you're able to keep your promises and show it's a good thing, he'll eventually come around. 

 

I don't have experience with handling open relationships, but I'm sure there must be plenty of resources to find. I'd be happy to offer help finding some if you like.

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Thank you both for responding. 

 

I can can understand that he may be worried about me leaving him eventually, I don't believe that will happen. At this point I don't think there is a substitute for actual  sex, I personally do not enjoy manual or oral stimulation in the same way as sex. 

 

I know need to speak to him, I must find it in me, I just feel like I cannot handle talking about this again and never reaching a conclusion and I feel so much resentment that it is always me to raise it. He knows this is an issue for me and I feel it is very selfish of him to carry on, especially when I have told him, I will sleep with someone else. Part of me wonders if he would rather it was an unspoken agreement.

 

Maybe the key is to point him towards this site so he can understand if he identifies. Maybe acknowledging it will lead him to accept we cannot go on as we are. 😞

 

Thank you for answering. If anyone else has this experience I would be very pleased to hear from you 

 

 

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My husband recently told me he's graysexual, after years of demonising me for finding other people attractive. My problem differs from yours, as I'm increasingly thinking I must be demisexual... I couldn't have "just" sex with someone else, as the idea of being physically intimate with someone I don't feel emotionally intimate with is just repulsive, and although I can appreciate good looks, attraction is based on other characteristics (although if they can have those AND be gorgeous, like my hubby, then that's just awesome). For me, if I did decide to get the physical affection I needed elsewhere, it wouldn't so much be sex, more snuggling & holding hands, and I feel there would be too much of a chance of falling for someone else, and it would end my marriage. It sounds like your needs are different to mine & you might be able to compartmentalise better than me. 

 

As for whether your partner would rather not know, there were times before my husband realised he was graysexual when I wondered if his physically distant spells were due to an affair, and I honestly thought if he loved me & came back to me eventually, I'd rather not know, ever. Knowing would've destroyed me. Suspecting drove me crazy for a while, but I got over that eventually & decided as long as there was enough of him to go around & his heart was with me, I could live with it. But that's just my experience. Don't assume he feels the same... Just saying...

 

What I was wondering, if you don't mind me asking, is how does he feel about you being capable of sexual attraction towards other men? My husband is clearly disgusted that I could ever be attracted to someone else, even though I have no desire for sex with anyone else. To me, there's just an inexplicable enjoyment to watching attractive (not necessarily "good looking") people on television or whatever. He treats me like I'm a horrible person, as though he believes his sexuality is morally superior to mine. In our case, it's that hateful attitude & lack of non-sexual physical contact that is killing me. I would like sex, but I don't need lots. I do need lots of cuddles etc, but because he is so repulsed by my occasional attraction to other men, that he has completely physically retreated from me. I feel like he's not listening when I explain he's the only one I want to be with. I keep reading that asexuals/ graysexuals are not judging the rest of us, but he's judging me, and I feel some of the Aces on here have been judgemental towards myself & some of the sexuals on here. I guess I'd like to know if it actually is normal, or at least a normal phase for aces/ graces to be repulsed by or feel disdain towards the rest of us...?

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Interesting points.

 

I am not sure how he feels about the fact I could be sexually attracted to someone else, we don't really talk about it beyond some people on TV in which case he is fine. There was a time when i hinted that there would be someone I could have an affair with,  he was very distressed that I had someone in mind, so I guess he wouldn't like it. Ultimately most sexual people feel attracted to people outside their marriage even if they don't act on it. To answer your question though, I think my husband could be repulsed by it. 

 

With regards to could I compartmentalise sex, I could not have sex with someone that I did not feel an intellectual connection with but I could compartmentalise once it happened. I came very close a couple of years ago and although I had a connection with the man in question,  I did not love him and would have never loved him,  I could have had sex with him and led my life without impact to my marriage. I could not just have sex with a stranger though 

32 minutes ago, Kat74 said:

My husband recently told me he's graysexual, after years of demonising me for finding other people attractive. My problem differs from yours, as I'm increasingly thinking I must be demisexual... I couldn't have "just" sex with someone else, as the idea of being physically intimate with someone I don't feel emotionally intimate with is just repulsive, and although I can appreciate good looks, attraction is based on other characteristics (although if they can have those AND be gorgeous, like my hubby, then that's just awesome). For me, if I did decide to get the physical affection I needed elsewhere, it wouldn't so much be sex, more snuggling & holding hands, and I feel there would be too much of a chance of falling for someone else, and it would end my marriage. It sounds like your needs are different to mine & you might be able to compartmentalise better than me. 

 

As for whether your partner would rather not know, there were times before my husband realised he was graysexual when I wondered if his physically distant spells were due to an affair, and I honestly thought if he loved me & came back to me eventually, I'd rather not know, ever. Knowing would've destroyed me. Suspecting drove me crazy for a while, but I got over that eventually & decided as long as there was enough of him to go around & his heart was with me, I could live with it. But that's just my experience. Don't assume he feels the same... Just saying...

 

What I was wondering, if you don't mind me asking, is how does he feel about you being capable of sexual attraction towards other men? My husband is clearly disgusted that I could ever be attracted to someone else, even though I have no desire for sex with anyone else. To me, there's just an inexplicable enjoyment to watching attractive (not necessarily "good looking") people on television or whatever. He treats me like I'm a horrible person, as though he believes his sexuality is morally superior to mine. In our case, it's that hateful attitude & lack of non-sexual physical contact that is killing me. I would like sex, but I don't need lots. I do need lots of cuddles etc, but because he is so repulsed by my occasional attraction to other men, that he has completely physically retreated from me. I feel like he's not listening when I explain he's the only one I want to be with. I keep reading that asexuals/ graysexuals are not judging the rest of us, but he's judging me, and I feel some of the Aces on here have been judgemental towards myself & some of the sexuals on here. I guess I'd like to know if it actually is normal, or at least a normal phase for aces/ graces to be repulsed by or feel disdain towards the rest of us...?

 

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Interesting, hard for me to wrap my head around you having any connection with the guy in question but knowing you'd never fall in love with him. Although it's not for me, I think I can better understand that some people can basically just use each other's bodies to get off with no connection whatsoever... Or be emotionally connected, like I feel the need to be... But I guess everything's a continuum, right?

 

Sounds like he might've been jealous at the idea you could be with someone else, but it'd be interesting to know whether he was jealous of the physical part or just worried it'd result in you splitting up. 

 

Whatever happens, I hope it all works out for you X

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I found a lot in your post that echoes the situation I am in. After three years with my partner without having penetrative sex I'm becoming more and more convinced he is asexual but that he is terrified that if he admits this to me (and that there is no chance of us having the type of sexual relationship that I want) that I will leave him. He frequently asks for confirmation that I want to live with him and eventually get married, but seems to not want to acknowledge that, for me, to get married knowing the relationship would be sexless would be a very bad idea. I also think it likely that any effort he is currently making to be physically intimate (oral, masturbation etc) would cease as soon as he had the security of being married to me.

 

I do love him, we have so much fun together but this one area of our lives just isn't happening, and I find the lack of communication it has brought about between us quite strange when we communicate in all other aspects so very well.

 

I have found over the three years that my feelings for him have changed from the initial excitement of a new relationship to a caring friendship, but the feelings of sexual attraction I had for him initially are fading because I know he doesn't find the idea of sex with me exciting or desirable.

I also suspect that he may imagine I would be tempted to have an affair if I stay with him, but he does not want to start that conversation....

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I think I might be starting to notice a bit of a pattern, having read around this site for a couple of days... My husband & I have been together decades, but penetrative sex has never been a big thing for us. I like it sometimes, but he's always been very attentive to my needs & very capable of satisfying me manually or orally. We've always realised this is probably quite unusual, but he didn't realise he's graysexual until recently. There were occasions though when he would lose an erection or just stop sex after I was "done" without him finishing. I've always been uncomfortable with that, and a lot of my pleasure has always been in giving him pleasure, but I guess it's making more sense now...

 

I'm really hoping we can reach a compromise & he can get past his contempt for me not being like him. If we can get past his crazy notion that I want to have sex with hordes of other men (when all it is for me is finding an indescribable neither quite sexual nor romantic pleasure in seeing attractive men, but with no desire to act on it... I'm possibly demisexual I guess?), I think we could find common ground & a compromise. 

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I think a key problem we're all having is essentially a bit of a man problem, tbh... Society tells men that it's weak to talk, weak to admit there might be a problem... And being asexual isn't "manly" is it? I don't know how to break through & get him to communicate again, but unless he does, I'm only guessing at his problem, and possibly assuming that his drunken rage at me is gospel truth, when maybe he's feeling deeply hurt & confused & worried that I'll stop loving him... But then again, maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part...

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1 hour ago, Metaig said:

Thank you both for responding. 

 

I can can understand that he may be worried about me leaving him eventually, I don't believe that will happen. At this point I don't think there is a substitute for actual  sex, I personally do not enjoy manual or oral stimulation in the same way as sex. 

 

I know need to speak to him, I must find it in me, I just feel like I cannot handle talking about this again and never reaching a conclusion and I feel so much resentment that it is always me to raise it. He knows this is an issue for me and I feel it is very selfish of him to carry on, especially when I have told him, I will sleep with someone else. Part of me wonders if he would rather it was an unspoken agreement.

 

Maybe the key is to point him towards this site so he can understand if he identifies. Maybe acknowledging it will lead him to accept we cannot go on as we are. 😞

 

Thank you for answering. If anyone else has this experience I would be very pleased to hear from you 

 

 

No problem! 

 

Taking a look at this site might help him, sure! He may not actually be asexual, there's all sorts of possibilities. But it may help to chat and look around.

 

It's funny that communication is essential in relationships but it can be so hard to do! 9 of 10 times if someone's having a problem with a partner, the solution involves talking.

 

You need to make yourself clear. Try. Think about what it is you want to say, take a breath and give him the low-down. You can be forceful but calm. You've given him plenty of time to consider it. So now you're the one who has to make the decision and inform him of that decision. 

 

I talk as if if this is easy, but I know it's not. Partnerships can be hard.

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If he is actually asexual and hasn't mentioned asexuality he could be unaware of it as an orientation. I would suggest talking to him about it and bringing him onto AVEN. I know that before I found the asexual community I felt very lost and I found support in e community. If he didn't know about asexuality and could find support here it could make disscusions about your sexual desires and his lack of sexual desires easier to talk about. If you do discuss sex outside of marrage he might be more comfortable with you having the occasional one night stand or even hiring someone rather than a single long term affair (which might make him afraid that you will fall in love with the man you're having the affair with and leave him).

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On Wednesday, January 25, 2017 at 1:20 PM, Metaig said:

Help please.

 
I believe my husband is asexual and I am not sure what to do.
 
I have been with him for 12 years and we have two children. We have a good life, get on extremely well and have a great partnership with no other issues outside the lack of sex life for me.
 
He has never admitted to being asexual. Almost every year we have "the conversation" which involves me asking why he never initiates sex. It has tormented me and made me deeply unattractive and undesirable. I have wondered if he is gay, having an affair and all the other questions one might ask. Given that before he met me at 28, he had never had sex, nor have we ever had a very active sex life, I have to assume he is asexual. I can undress in front of him and he won't even glance at me, I can press up the him and he won't respond as a man might. 
 
I am at a loss now, because I do not want to go the rest of my life without sex. He will try for me, but I have got to the point that I am so upset by his physical reaction to me (he loses his erection) It makes me so sad. It feels like he is repulsed by me and in return I feel like I don't want him near me any more. He makes all sorts of excuses and is dishonest with me, for example we tried sex a month ago, he felt flaccid inside me, then insisted we get a condom, then could not get an erection and said it was because he had nearly ejaculated and had to stop. None of this was true, he never had an erection in the first place and I feel humiliated 
 
Over the years I have said that if things do not improve, I will have an affair and last year I said that I would not have this conversation again, I could not bare the humiliation of it.  His only objection to me having an affair seemed to be that he was worried I would be out all the time! Again this devastated me. Later him seemed anxious at the thought of an affair and things improved somewhat but eventually went back to old ways.
 
I love him and I would happily be with him forever. I feel awful and I don't want to split up what is a very happy family. I would like to continue this relationship with the freedom to have other sexual partners. Part of me thinks he wants this to happen but thinks it is too unconventional to approve. Has he given me permission by not responding to my ultimatum?
 
If I did have an affair, I would be seen as the home wrecker, but i feel it is deeply unfair that he allows this to continue without acknowledging  the issue and taking responsibility for it. I feel that if he is this way and knows that I cannot live without the sex, then he should leave me if he cannot let me have sexual freedom elsewhere. Instead he strings me along with promises that things will get better. 
 
I know that people will say I should talk to him again, but please understand that I have over and over. This has caused me an enormous about of heartache over the 12 years. With kids involved it makes it harder. I have had many opportunities to cheat on him and haven't because I have always believed things would change and now I am 38 and wishing I hadn't missed out on those opportunities. 
 
I hope I don't come across as exceptionally selfish but I feel like someone has stolen my life, equally I love him with all my heart and find him to be the best person to be around.
 
Does anyone have advice, to any asexuals, how would you feel if you were cheated on?
 
I really have no idea what to do. I think it would be a shame to give up our family and happiness for something which will probably eventually die out for me too. Would an indiscretion hurt if it was to save our relationship?
 
Thank you in advance 
 

I just want to start with this is from the stand point of a sex repulsed asexual, so keep that in mind because when i read this i deeply wanted to help but it may be limited because of the sode of the fence i am on lol.

 

Firstly i want to say that you are a strong person and im sorry that you are facing hardships in your marriage. Ive been a third party to my own parents divorce and the bumps of her new marriage since im her confidont. (Pardon my spelling) so i know personally the stress of wanting to keep a family together and try to work through it and you are especially lucky because you still love him which means you still have hope to reaching some sort of conclusion!  I can say that as others have mentioned communication is the key 100% and somehow or another you two need to get talking.

 

I dont remember reading anything about marriage counciling? I think before you have an affair or open your marriage (which for your sake make him vocalize that he's okay with it or live with the possibility of any heated fights making him call you a HW or cheater not saying your husband would but ive seen it happen before) Sadly I dont think there is going to be an immediate fix for this so maybe the first step is just building your confidence up to have that "talk" again maybe have a spa day or just buy yourself some nice under garmets for your own enjoyment. When my mom got divorced from my dad (which 3 times a year was the norm birthday and anivers.) That really helped build herself back up and allowed her to feel beautiful and important again because lack of sex for sexuals is tolling as even you've said maybe just doing those small things would help you enotionally feel less drained or humiliated? 

 

As for the affair/cheating area i personally would feel very betrayed? I myself recognize sex to sexuals as very emotional because it is sex and for those who want/need it i can see it has importance to them so i would be deeply hurt especially if it was done posibily behind my back (lord forbid anyone i knew) it would just be devestating. I think before you could move to open marriage or affair that communication is needed. Which can be very difficult because at least with my experience men refuse to talk about their feelings cause we're just suppose to "know"? 

 

I also just want to throw out some stuff that maybe might be something? If there was abuse that could explain things especially the lack of communication? There is also a lack of libdo when nit enough testostrone is produced so it could be medical? These are twonother scenarios that could be possible besides asexuality that when you are ready you could explore. But if nothing else try to have one last talk and maybe try counciling or maybe go on a weekend retreat to event just a hotel nearby and try to refocus yourselves on each other? I'm so sorry this is so long but i hope if nothing else you know that you are at least supported here and that you have options and hope. Sorry if nothing i said was helpful or if i rambled!

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Wow, your story is the mirror image of mine.  

 

I'm a 61 year old male, married for 35 years.  All the same (except for the erection part :) ).  I have also given up talking about it (over and over).    My embraces are met with no reaction whatsoever.  Etc.  We haven't had intercourse in 21 years, and not done anything that I would call "making love" in 35 years.      But I'm in love.   I've been happy to support my wife with all this, and I assumed that my libido would subside at some point.

 

But it has only gotten more intense, and I'm distressed that I will probably never make love again, and will have missed that wonderful part of being a human.

 

I said "make love" on purpose.   I have bought sex.  I have had brief flings.  But these fall well short of what making love is all about.  What I really want is the intimacy, and sex workers and short flings don't provide that.   I'm now actively trying to find a ... friend with benefits?  Someone I can have a connection with, who wants to have sex with me and I with her, with whom I can make love.  No idea if it will work, and  I'm well aware that it's dangerous.   I'm not telling you to try it or not try it, but I will say that I consider it a perfectly valid option.  We didn't know that she was asexual when we got married.  It took quite a few years for me to understand that things were never going to get better.  Remember, back then there was no Internet to go to with questions, so we had no idea what was going on.  We dealt with it as best we could, which was not very well at all.    I think there is an implied contract in marriage, isn't there?  I vow to forsake all others, but doesn't that have a flip side?  You agree to give me what I need in order that I can forsake all others.   This is just to say that under the circumstances we find ourselves, we can give up the notion that we are being unfaithful.  I am not saying that my asexual wife has an obligation to have sex.  I'm saying that I believe that people like you an me can't be held to the conventional definition of "unfaithful".   Let the guilt go.   The situation would be better if we can step out with the spouse's permission.  But that's a topic for a different post.  

 

Whatever you decide to do, don't wait.   I thought my libido would subside, but it's only gotten worse.   And finding that friend with benefit gets harder and harder with age.  

 

 

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I just found this thread, i know this post is a bit old, but I am in the same situation exactly. Married 3 yrs to a good guy but early on I figured out he was not typical in the ways of sex, and everything everyone said in the above comments mirrors my relationship with my husband. I am still young and healthy and desire sex not only for the phsycial pleasure but I honestly believe in my opinion (for me anyway) that it solidifies a marriage. I refuse to have an affair so its depressing for me to know I will go without sex for as long as he is alive. As far as compromise, I dont want him to pleasure me just to please me for physical release, knowing he isnt enjoying it. I can have an orgasm without him its the emotional bond of intercouse that means a lot to me

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I  am in a very similar situation... we have been married for 12 years with 2 kids.  I feel a little jealous of you women with ace husbands in the fact that it is a lot harder for men to hide being an ace than it has been for my wife for the past 14 years I have known her. 

 

One thing we have done (probably made this situation worse) is that we both have gone to doctors that do the intense blood test and try to optimize hormone and vitamin levels.  I went on testosterone and my libido skyrocketed.  Her tests have shown nothing wrong, which told me she really is an ace.  This may not be the same in your case, if you can suggest these tests.  

 

The other suggestion of counciling is a key one.  Assuming an open marriage is the end result, it will help him see it is not because you don't love him - you just have needs that aren't being met.  My wife has suggested an open marriage, but I am terrified that it will end up with me leaving her because I have developed the intense bond with someone else and want to be with them instead of her.

 

I wish you the best and hope you figure it out.... it's an unbelievably painful process.

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10 hours ago, Sadwolf said:

I  am in a very similar situation... we have been married for 12 years with 2 kids.  I feel a little jealous of you women with ace husbands in the fact that it is a lot harder for men to hide being an ace than it has been for my wife for the past 14 years I have known her. 

 

One thing we have done (probably made this situation worse) is that we both have gone to doctors that do the intense blood test and try to optimize hormone and vitamin levels.  I went on testosterone and my libido skyrocketed.  Her tests have shown nothing wrong, which told me she really is an ace.  This may not be the same in your case, if you can suggest these tests.  

 

The other suggestion of counciling is a key one.  Assuming an open marriage is the end result, it will help him see it is not because you don't love him - you just have needs that aren't being met.  My wife has suggested an open marriage, but I am terrified that it will end up with me leaving her because I have developed the intense bond with someone else and want to be with them instead of her.

 

I wish you the best and hope you figure it out.... it's an unbelievably painful process.

my husband cant take T-therapy because of a heart condition. He was on it for a while- claims he went on it before he met me due to fatigue, and I believe him, because he had been celibate for a decade before he met me. Prior relationships were few and far between, lasted only a few months, with infrequent sex. Both marriages prior to ours were sexless for the most part. It's so sad. he tells me he never felt sexual, not even in high school , college, in his 20's, 30's, 40's, etc. He is now 62.

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  • 1 month later...

It took more than 10 years before my wife and I reached the conclusion that sex just wasnt something she wanted/needed. We went through the long period of blaming other stuff. As it is now, I ask for sex by a schedule (14 days off) and I love it, but it tends to be a bit like her allowing me to get it and me giving her a massage which is ok, but doesnt give her that much. But I am concerned whether she is only ok, to a degree, since she is afraid what would be the outcome if she changed the schedule /agreement or more often didnt like/accept the way we do it now. Occasionally her mood changes about certain things, but so does a sexual. But often it is more like, 'not this today, but sometimes it is nice. I want more of this, since it feels good today!'

I read her more like 'on occasions I am ok with letting you do this to me, sometimes it is even nice for me, but i could easily live without it, since it doesnt give me that much. Today I really dont like it. I am not sure that I want to do it again.' 

The beforementioned does not have to be about advanced sex, but could just be kissing. 

 

I am monogamous, but can be turned on by many people. I could also easily lose myself and fall in love with other people, but since it includes a risk of losing  my fantastic wife/family  , as it is, then I have a hard time understanding how often the open marriage is offered as a problem solver.

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  • 1 year later...

My post is over an year old from y'all.. But this is the most relatable thread I've seen... For me 10 years together and I can't take it anymore I will find a friends with benefits. I love my husband and wouldn't want to leave him. This is so hard and so so sad.. 

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I stumbled upon AVEN shortly after the final posts were made in this thread - how eerily similar many of our stories go.

 

Having been there (and now only a few months from a 2 year anniversary with my lover), I can’t believe I let that pain drag on.  It’s not perfect, but it’s far better than it was.  Just this morning I mentioned the 2 year mark to my husband, and he seemed downright shocked.  It goes fast when you’re not looking - and just as fast when you are: “Life, this ain’t no dress rehearsal! Make it great!”

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