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Demi/Grays Identifying with Asexuals


Maristine

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I think there's a distinction between people who have no unfulfilled sexual needs when they don't have that bond and people who have unfulfilled sexual needs but don't feel comfortable getting intimate with anyone until they reach a point of closeness. The first kind is how I interpret demisexual. The second kind, in my eyes at least, fits a lot of people, and I would consider that within normal sexuality.

 

I've met people, on and off AVEN, who have been in long-term relationships that sex was a shared part of, but before and after that relationship it was never something they generally desired. For people like that who aren't in relationships, I can see why they would relate more to the asexual experience. It's not that they're single that makes them not have sex. They're not choosing to be celibate for some separate reason. They have no present desire for any partnered sex, and it's uncommon for them to feel otherwise. There is a difference between that and someone who is searching for a partner to meet their needs, both emotionally and sexually (which is common and normal sexuality as Pan has stated). 

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Yes, exactly @Snao Çoñé. I'm not sure if I'm explaining things badly, or not, as my brain is just exhausted and my life is a mess. I don't go telling people I'm ace just to get them to leave me alone; I tell them because it's fact and because I don't want them thinking they can "change my mind". I don't have a need or desire for sex at all.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, I simply can't imagine myself having sex with any other boy than the one I desire. I'd feel like a lump of ice. So I'm like an asexual in the vast majority of cases. 

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  • 11 months later...
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Well, I simply can't imagine myself having sex with any other boy than the one I desire. I'd feel like a lump of ice. So I'm like an asexual in the vast majority of cases

 

A lot of people feel that way. Not everyone is comfortable having sex with any random person - many need to have a close bond and emotional attraction before they can actually want to have sex with someone.

 

Y_Y just realized this was from 2017, someone liked an old comment of mine and I clicked the notification then responded instantly without actually looking at the date of the thread, fail :P

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
On 21.1.2017 at 11:33 AM, Maristine said:

Seeing as I have only felt sexual attraction once and appear to be incapable of primary sexual attraction, I definitely identify more with asexuals than with "allo" people. They don't get me. I don't get them. Even though I'm not fully asexual, I still feel included and welcome in the ace community.

 

But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I'm sort of... intruding into asexuality. Since I one day plan on having romantic and sexual relationships, and can sort of pass as "normal," I feel like I shouldn't include myself in the same group as asexuals. Or I feel like I should be careful how much I identify as ace or else people might think that asexuality is just a phase or something that can be cured.

 

I know that my demisexuality is valid and belongs in the ace community, but sometimes I do feel like that, and was wondering if any other people feel the same way. Whether you're demi, gray, cupio, sex-positive, etc., do you ever feel like you don't fully belong in the ace community?

I can totally relate to your experience. Sometimes I feel completely fine wiith it but there days when I can't identify myself as a valid member of this community either.

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Well, OP, I'm new and even I feel this way. lol. We're in the same boat, floating amongst other boats in this monochrome sea, but knowing that others are sailing with me makes a huge difference.

 

 

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On 21/01/2017 at 12:33 PM, Maristine said:

Seeing as I have only felt sexual attraction once and appear to be incapable of primary sexual attraction, I definitely identify more with asexuals than with "allo" people. They don't get me. I don't get them. Even though I'm not fully asexual, I still feel included and welcome in the ace community.

 

But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I'm sort of... intruding into asexuality. Since I one day plan on having romantic and sexual relationships, and can sort of pass as "normal," I feel like I shouldn't include myself in the same group as asexuals. Or I feel like I should be careful how much I identify as ace or else people might think that asexuality is just a phase or something that can be cured.

 

I know that my demisexuality is valid and belongs in the ace community, but sometimes I do feel like that, and was wondering if any other people feel the same way. Whether you're demi, gray, cupio, sex-positive, etc., do you ever feel like you don't fully belong in the ace community?

This is my biggest dilemma when it comes to whether I should identify as demisexual or asexual or just heterosexual. I feel like I am disturbing the sanctity of the asexual community because I'm not yet sure whether I am demisexual or not; all I know is that I have never experienced sexual attraction, but that I think I could one day.

 

I know this hasn't been very informative - it couldn't have been, I myself am still learning and trying to navigate my own a/sexuality - but I hope it provided some reassurance for you. 

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On 11/04/2017 at 9:35 PM, FictoVore. said:

What I meant was, it's extremely easy to say to almost any mature person "I'm not really interested in having sex unless I have a really deep bond with someone". Most people won't answer "whatever I know you'd bang a big breasted blonde if she offered you sex in a bar".. and if they do answer something like that they clearly don't have much emotional or sexual maturity (and probably not much experience in the real world). Most people with life-experience have met people who have no interest in casual sex with randoms, many people are like that themselves. If you don't go into the whole "label" thing and just say "I'm not interested in having sex with someone unless I have a really deep bond with them" most people would say "oh, I understand that". It's not complicated or even that rare. 

 

You seem to be saying you find it easier to say you don't desire sex ever than to explain you only desire sex with people you have a deep emotional bond with, but if someone is trying to pressure you into sex you say: "I don't want sex with you, deal with it." You shouldn't have to go into an explanation of asexuality to get them to leave you alone, that's technically harassment on their part.

Your definition of demisexuality, the way I understand it, sounds a lot like the common perception that "most people are demisexual." As someone who currently identifies as demi, I find this to be a little problematic. While I don't believe that this was your intention, what you've said kind of invalidates/erases demisexuality by implying that it's simply a question of maturity and life experience. I don't think that's true, otherwise the demisexual label wouldn't exist, and there wouldn't be such a large community of people who identify with it.

 

And although I do understand where you're coming from, I personally think that there's a significant detail that sets demisexuals apart from sexually mature sexuals. Sexuals, though they might choose not to engage in any sexual activity with a person they just met, can feel sexual attraction towards said person. So a sexual person could have the desire to engage in sexual activity with a stranger, but could choose not to i.e. they would choose to suppress their desire. However, a demisexual would not even feel sexual attraction or the desire to engage in sexual activity with a person until after they've known them for quite some time (I don't want to indicate how much time because it varies from person to person.)

 

And ultimately, I agree that sexuality should be self-defined (because it's such a  personal experience) and I think that labels exist only for comfort in a sense of knowing "what" you are. So I believe that if a label brings you more anxiety and stress than comfort, rather learn to be content with knowing that whatever you identify as doesn't actually affect how you are; all it does is affect how other people perceive you. That's what I do when I feel like I don't know what I am.

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3 hours ago, Amani said:

So a sexual person could have the desire to engage in sexual activity with a stranger, but could choose not to i.e. they would choose to suppress their desire.

Some sexuals can desire sexual activity with a stranger, but there are plenty out there who are unable to desire sexual activity with someone until they have taken the time to get to know them, and feel attraction for their personality, mind, humour etc. Desire for sexual activity based solely on physical appearance is not something all sexual people experience, and is actually judged quite negatively by plenty of sexual people (that's where terms like 'shallow' come from, though there's nothing wrong with experiencing that type of attraction, it's just one specific kind among many. So that one significant differentiating detail actually only applies to some sexual people, but certainly not all of them.

 

4 hours ago, Amani said:

While I don't believe that this was your intention, what you've said kind of invalidates/erases demisexuality by implying that it's simply a question of maturity and life experience. I don't think that's true, otherwise the demisexual label wouldn't exist, and there wouldn't be such a large community of people who identify with it.

1) I meant that generally only teenagers and immature people (and confused people who end up on AVEN) will be convinced every sexual person alive only wants to bang hot people. once they get a little older and have had some sexual experience etc they start understanding that all sorts of different things can attract people to other people and those things certainly don't always involve appearance. for some people, appearance means literally nothing. 2) the way demisexuality is most commonly defined on AVEN (needing a bond to want sex with someone) is so common that most people don't even assume a special label is required for it. If you've ever seen a group of sexuals having a term like demisexual explained to them, they usually crack up laughing and say ''there's another ford for that: women!'' or things along those lines. while it's not true that all women require a bond before they can desire sex with someone, the reason regular sexual people often find labels like demisexual so funny is just because most people know these things already exist, they're just so common (the way they're often defined anyway) that no one else ever assumed a special word was needed for them.

 

4 hours ago, Amani said:

I agree that sexuality should be self-defined

I certainly don't agree with this, but maybe this comment was in response to someone else in which case I'll leave that part.

4 hours ago, Amani said:

As someone who currently identifies as demi

you could definitely be defining it differently than it's most commonly defined on AVEN. Around here, many people define it as ''unable to desire sex with people/experience sexual attraction for people unless you have developed an emotional bond with them'' - some will even go so far as to say this bond can take as little as a few days to form, and an article was even shared on AVEN recently about a woman who identifies as ''an asexual demisexual slut who enjoys poly sex with multiple partners'' - wow. This is why it's so hard for people to take a term like 'demisexual' seriously, and yes the way it's most commonly defined around here truly is just a very normal, everyday expression of regular sexuality, not asexuality at all. However, you may have a way of defining it that's very different which is why my comment may have shocked you a little. I wasn't referring to people who have maybe only wanted sex with two people in their entire life after taking years to get to know each person. That's still a variation of regular sexuality , but someone like that has a lot more in common with aces than sexuals so will usually get along really well in this community :) I'm not asexual (been celibate for 7 years and only ever wanted sex with one person who I haven't had a chance to meet in person yet, and wouldn't care at all if I never have sex again - but still sexual due to the fact that I do desire some forms of sexual intimacy with the person I am currently emotionally attracted to) however despite not being ace I spend most of my free time on AVEN interacting in these forums. This community can be really helpful for people of all sorts of different sexual orientations, we even have some hypersexuals who have been here for years!! we're a very mixed bunch :)

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5 hours ago, Amani said:

This is my biggest dilemma when it comes to whether I should identify as demisexual or asexual or just heterosexual. I feel like I am disturbing the sanctity of the asexual community because I'm not yet sure whether I am demisexual or not; all I know is that I have never experienced sexual attraction, but that I think I could one day.

 

I know this hasn't been very informative - it couldn't have been, I myself am still learning and trying to navigate my own a/sexuality - but I hope it provided some reassurance for you. 

You can say you're questioning. You can say that so far what you've experienced (or not experienced) is closest to asexuality, but you can also imagine yourself developing a desire for a sexual relationship if you ever get close enough to a person. Demisexual is often used to mean "functionally asexual until well into a relationship with the right person" so if that's how you see yourself, then you're not treading on foreign territory - you're just expressing yourself with as accurate of terminology as you can. If you explore and learn more, you can change how you identify. Many people need to learn this part of themselves over time. There's no shame in changing your label once new experiences come into the picture. 

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On 21-1-2017 at 11:33 AM, Maristine said:

But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I'm sort of... intruding into asexuality. Since I one day plan on having romantic and sexual relationships, and can sort of pass as "normal," I feel like I shouldn't include myself in the same group as asexuals. Or I feel like I should be careful how much I identify as ace or else people might think that asexuality is just a phase or something that can be cured.

 

I know that my demisexuality is valid and belongs in the ace community, but sometimes I do feel like that, and was wondering if any other people feel the same way. Whether you're demi, gray, cupio, sex-positive, etc., do you ever feel like you don't fully belong in the ace community?

Ever since my last relationship I felt it wasn't right to label myself asexual, now I haven't used that term in 5+ years. But I was convinced I was ace for quite a while, and I experienced similar confusion as young aces often do. Still feel like I have some things in common with aces (rather than with heterosexuals). Still interested in discussing certain things on AVEN. So, I don't feel like I'm intruding in the ace community at all. :)

 

Don't know how people here tend to see it, but as I see it, demisexuality is something that lies between hetero/homosexuality and asexuality, rather than being a subgenre of asexuality. So to me it would make sense if demis didn't ever call themselves asexual... Which would alleviate any worries of giving off 'the wrong impression' of asexuality. ;)

 

On 28-4-2018 at 10:36 AM, Amani said:

This is my biggest dilemma when it comes to whether I should identify as demisexual or asexual or just heterosexual. I feel like I am disturbing the sanctity of the asexual community because I'm not yet sure whether I am demisexual or not; all I know is that I have never experienced sexual attraction, but that I think I could one day.

 

I know this hasn't been very informative - it couldn't have been, I myself am still learning and trying to navigate my own a/sexuality - but I hope it provided some reassurance for you. 

How about answer D: Don't identify as anything? :) To me at least, they are just words meant to help people in conversation. If there is no perfect term to describe your feelings regarding attraction, sexuality, etc... and you want to explain your experiences, just try to do so without use of any such labels? :) There's little chance a random person you talk to is going to know what demisexuality is anyway.

 

Edit: Perhaps I should add, just in case, that it makes total sense to me to include demisexuality on AVEN! ;)

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19 minutes ago, Fricai said:

Ever since my last relationship I felt it wasn't right to label myself asexual, now I haven't used that term in 5+ years. But I was convinced I was ace for quite a while, and I experienced similar confusion as young aces often do. Still feel like I have some things in common with aces (rather than with heterosexuals). Still interested in discussing certain things on AVEN. So, I don't feel like I'm intruding in the ace community at all. :)

 

Don't know how people here tend to see it, but as I see it, demisexuality is something that lies between hetero/homosexuality and asexuality, rather than being a subgenre of asexuality. So to me it would make sense if demis didn't ever call themselves asexual... Which would alleviate any worries of giving off 'the wrong impression' of asexuality. ;)

You my dude. Keep being an upstanding member of the community and supporting a healthy separation of identity but never community, my pal!

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InariYana

In my case I feel I'm closer to an asexual than the average sexual person I know. If there was a scale from 0 (asexual) to 10 (whatever the average sexual person is), I'd be a 3 or maybe more like 2. I have experienced sexual attraction in the past, which was rare, but yes, it happened.

Also, I don't actively seek sex as a fun activity of my choice. I wouldn't mind if sex (as in me having it) vanished from my life forever either. To an average sexual person I seem pretty much asexual (and I was called that before I even identified as grey), but on an all-or-nothing scale I'm actually sexual.

Imagine a sexual person being thirsty and expecting/wanting a whole glass full of delicious drink (a satisfying sexual relationship).

I'm like 2 tablespoons in a pint glass :lol: more frustrating than thirst-quenching I guess.  

 

So in a way it's this grey zone where nobody knows anything unless they ask the right questions, not like "which of the 50 shades of grey are you?" :D Erm... #303030 or rgb(48,48,48). Pretty dark. White is there but don't count on it too much.    

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