Lugelady Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 I believe my asexuality/demisexuality had a huge part in why my marriage dissolved this past year. We have been living apart now since July, and going back and forth between the house to stay with our 4 teenage kids. We never fought, had a great relationship, but were primarily just like "friends" raising our kids. I was fine with this, but she wasn't. We haven't even brought up the word "divorce" yet, and we are getting financial benefits from staying married. However, I'm wondering if I should just bite the bullet and get the divorce started, or if I should stay married until our kids are out of high school? Would our kids have a better shot at financial aid if we DID divorce? I'm hoping one of you older aces may have some helpful advice for me! Thanks. BTW-I live in California, have researched pros and cons of marriage for financial reasons, but want to hear first hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Sorry, there really is no way that we can give you any advice on that, Lugelady. There are just too many complex issues involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Zerο Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 You should probably get couple's counseling / marriage therapy / legal advice instead of relying on a bunch of random people on the internet to voice their opinion based on a one paragraph summary of your 10+ year relationship. Maybe I just play things too safe though. Link to post Share on other sites
Lugelady Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 Already went to couple's counseling/marriage therapy to no avail. I have great support from family and friends as well, but just wanted to get some input from some ACES that may have been through this. Thanks for your concerns though. Link to post Share on other sites
aceghost Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 My wife and I separated after 17 years at the end of 2015. Similar dynamics, it sounds like... "friends" raising a kid. I was willing to continue to work on our relationship, but she was not (we opened our relationship, she fell in love with the other person, blah blah insert terrible sob story here). Our daughter was only 2 at the time though, which made the "go our separate ways" outcome a much easier decision to make; our daughter will literally will never remember a time when we were together. Your situation is more complicated because you have way more kids, and they're at a very critical age in their development (transitions into puberty, social circles, high school, college, career choices), and they also know *exactly* what's going on, and thus are going to be impacted (and are currently being impacted) by whatever it is you two choose to do. I can't comment on the financial implications of staying together vs. splitting apart; that seems like the kind of thing you'd need an actual professional to advise you on. I would say from the emotional side though, you should probably make this decision irrespective of money. Your kids come first, always (as I'm sure you're aware). If you and your former partner can't stand to be together in the same room, that's going to harm your kids. If you and your former partner are bad-mouthing each other behind your backs, that's going to harm your kids. If your former partner picks up a new girlfriend, and that turns you into an emotional mess in front of your kids, that's going to harm your kids. If you and your former partner are forcing something unnatural "because of the children," and they pick up on that, that's going to harm your kids. (I'm not saying any of these things are true, just giving some possible examples.) If, however, you and your former partner have a very amicable relationship, and have talked with your kids about how this is a joint decision that you're both in agreement with being the best thing, and they've been able to ask whatever questions they have and feel confident that this breakdown is not in any way their fault, then sure, go ahead and make this decision on financial grounds. I will say that now that I'm a year+ out from my ex-wife and my falling out, I'm SO happy we made the decision to physically separate. It definitely has its challenges (and in my case anyway, horrific financial impact), our relationship is still pretty rocky, and it was a huge struggle suddenly being thrust into single motherhood, but we are both MUCH happier now than we would've been had we been forced to stay together, and that is good for our kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Private Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 On 1/12/2017 at 1:06 AM, Lugelady said: I believe my asexuality/demisexuality had a huge part in why my marriage dissolved this past year. We have been living apart now since July, and going back and forth between the house to stay with our 4 teenage kids. We never fought, had a great relationship, but were primarily just like "friends" raising our kids. I was fine with this, but she wasn't. We haven't even brought up the word "divorce" yet, and we are getting financial benefits from staying married. However, I'm wondering if I should just bite the bullet and get the divorce started, or if I should stay married until our kids are out of high school? Would our kids have a better shot at financial aid if we DID divorce? I'm hoping one of you older aces may have some helpful advice for me! Thanks. BTW-I live in California, have researched pros and cons of marriage for financial reasons, but want to hear first hand. I am way happier since divorcing. Still, you don't sound unhappy. If things work the way they are and it's financially better for you two to remain married, I see nothing wrong with it. Why do you want the divorce? Is there a new relationship blossoming? Or, is it just to help your kids financials? In the USA all the states have very different divorce laws. Most attorneys give a free initial consult. So, maybe you can contact one in California. Link to post Share on other sites
Lugelady Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 @Aceghost-Wow, it sounds like our stories are very similar. You hit on every key point we talked about. We definitely are not bad mouthing each other, go to functions and sporting events together, etc. The kids ALWAYS come first, and are handling this much better than I had imagined. I'm the one who is holding on tighter. I can't imagine trying to find someone new, but she has already started looking, so the part about "finding someone new making me a basket case in front of the kids" might come to fruition, and I don't want that to happen. It's been a year now for us as well, and I'm starting to feel a little normal again. As for the financial aid bit, apparently we don't have to be legally separated or divorced to have our son fill out FAFSA this way, so I guess we'll just wait and see what comes down the pipeline. Thanks for your comments. @Tracy1- I'm not as unhappy as I was when this first happened. Every day, week, and month get better. Thanks for your input. I hope my happiness for life comes back soon! Link to post Share on other sites
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