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Demigirl or just Tomboy?


Midnax149

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Hi, everyone, I'm brand new to this site. I wanted to ask for thoughts and opinions and insight about my current gender struggle. Uh, I'm almost 21, but I don't think that affects anything.

Okay, so here goes. I was born female. I'm actually not asexual, but proudly bisexual (some asexual tendencies?). I never thought I should be a boy or male or anything, but girl-ness never felt quite completely right. I know I'm not transgender, since I'm comfortable with my "parts" so to speak. I liked Barbies and stuff when I was super little, but I grew up wearing boyish clothes, doing boy-ish things, but still wanting to embrace that part of me that's a girl, i.e., wearing dresses, makeup, nail polish, what have you. If it matters at all I still do have distinctly "female" hobbies.

I've actually come to terms with the fact that feminine clothes are just not my thing. I've tried to wear dresses and all that sort of thing, and it's cute, and I can appreciate it all, but it's just not me. I prefer a slightly punk rock style that's also somewhat androgynous (though not on purpose): skinny jeans, graphic t-shirts, Converse, flannel shirts, etc. I also DO still like clothes that I think are "cute" so the feminine-ness isn't entirely gone. I also prefer to have long hair, as I think it makes me look pretty (and short hair looks crappy on me).

So yeah, I guess I've grown up as the tomboy. But first of all I don't like that word. It's a little bit reductive and simplistic and somewhat sexist. Not to mention that, now with all this new visibility on non-binary genders, I feel like it doesn't describe me right. I also don't consider "tomboy" to be a gender identity, it's looser than that, if that makes sense. It's just an adjective. But more importantly to all this, I don't identify with the "boy" part.

There are a few video game/book characters that I identify with on a personal level who happen to be male, but I'm realizing literally as I type this that they're kind of androgynous. The strongest example is Link from The Legend of Zelda. Sure, he's a boy, but most of his character traits (if he even has any) have nothing to do with that. And his features are generally somewhat androgynous, sometimes even feminine.

Video game rant aside, I still don't identify with the "boy" part. I'm not trying to look like a boy when I dress in a men's t-shirt. Also, I hate feeling like "one of the guys" when I hang out with my male friends. I want to be the girl in the group (not in a sexist way where they're all staring at my chest or something, just in a neutral way). I don't TRY to be or look like a boy. I don't even WANT to. I like having a female body. I like the parts of me that are feminine. I even like that I'm a girl, if that makes sense. But yeah. I just want to look like me. And me is....? A little bit of a girl, but certainly not girly. But also sort of nongender, but not so much that I have no gender at all. The word I've found that fits it best is demigirl, and since I'm definitely the kind of person that needs to have a name for it, this word helps a LOT. Just this knowledge helps a lot, really.

I guess in simple terms I feel like a girl, but not entirely? Like the other part of me (and I don't know how strong either part is at any given time) is just sort of... nothing. I'm not-quite-girl. My question from all this is, from what YOU can tell, could I possibly be a whole thing separate from the word "girl" or am I really just a "tomboy" that wants to feel special.

I could go without the "You'll find out on your own" comments because I know this. It's just that my brain gets very jumbled and confusing and getting away from that and hearing how it seems to someone else will help put it all into place. I appreciate any answers, so thank you. I'm sorry this was ridiculously long.

P.S. A part of me answered my own question just by typing this all out, but I would still like to see how it comes off to others, in case I've lost my mind.

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Maybe... Just be you?  Don't care so much about labels.  Be the person you want to be and not care if you're a girl, a demigirl, or a tomboy.  

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Mychemicalqpr

 

1 hour ago, Midnax149 said:

I don't TRY to be or look like a boy. I don't even WANT to. I like having a female body. I like the parts of me that are feminine. I even like that I'm a girl, if that makes sense.

This sounds like you see yourself as a girl, to some degree. It's what you see yourself as that matters.  Male and female hobbies and clothing are just masculine and feminine because some people decided so.  The way those ideas change over time, like pants going from distinctly masculine to neutral, goes to show that they are just ideas made by humans, not nature.  If you feel like you're not entirely a girl then you could be a demigirl, but you don't have to be a demigirl just because you're not super "girly".  It's not a measure of how well you fit stereotypes.    

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Disliking gender stereotypes doesn't make you trans. If that were the case, butch lesbians wouldn't exist.

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Your gender is not determined by how you prefer to dress or behave. Gender is how you feel inside, not how you present yourself. And my impression here is that you seem to feel female, just a female who isn't really interested in fitting the stereotypes.

If someone says "girls, come over here, boys go over there" do you instantly know where you should go, or do you hesitate?

If someone is talking about you to someone else in your presence and they refer to you as "she" or something else clearly gendered, do you feel an instant sense of "wait, that doesn't sound right?" Or does it sound completely normal to you?

If someone instead called you "they" would that sound better? Or would you prefer "she"? (Or "he"?)

 

Note: I'm cisgender. I'm just commenting based on things I've heard other people describe.   

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At the end of the day it's of course only up what you feel as your real identity, but from what you wrote, it really does sound like you simply don't fit with the stereotypes. Or maybe there's more to how you don't feel "entirely female", but you just didn't go into it in the original post?

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Gender is not either-or. Oftentimes it's blurred and trying to pin it down completely just doesn't work. But what matters, I think, is where you lean, like my friend said about sexual orientation. You say you feel like a girl, but somewhat blurry (towards androgynous, agender...), so to say, and don't identify as a boy. That makes you lean cis-female, but not 100% so, probably.

 

P.S. I like nail polish :P  Nothing wrong with not fitting in with norms.

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  • 1 year later...
AmberInTheMoonlight
On 1/4/2017 at 5:20 PM, Ettina said:

If someone says "girls, come over here, boys go over there" do you instantly know where you should go, or do you hesitate?

If someone is talking about you to someone else in your presence and they refer to you as "she" or something else clearly gendered, do you feel an instant sense of "wait, that doesn't sound right?" Or does it sound completely normal to you?

If someone instead called you "they" would that sound better? Or would you prefer "she"? (Or "he"?)

This is interesting and actually helps me with my own whole gender thing. I have been identifying as a demigirl for a bit now and after reading this I jave realized that I experience all of these things. So thanks for clearing that up.

 

Anyway, in my opinion, settle with the term you feel the most comfortable with. If that’s “demigirl”, then go for it. If it’s just “tomboy”, then that’s fine too. And if you decide that there really isn’t a term that you feel describes you, that’s okay too. Just be yourself, that’s what matters.

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  • 9 months later...

I need help with this.

I think I might be a demigirl, but I'm not 100% sure.

It's hard for me because I am technically (actually figuring stuff out) Catholic, and my parents are Catholic.

So, I don't really know.

I don't ever really particularly feel like a boy or a girl.

Maybe a little bit like a girl sometimes?

But like I'm comfortable with the female pronouns.

Help?

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On 11/6/2018 at 4:01 PM, Miss Who said:

I need help with this.

I think I might be a demigirl, but I'm not 100% sure.

It's hard for me because I am technically (actually figuring stuff out) Catholic, and my parents are Catholic.

So, I don't really know.

I don't ever really particularly feel like a boy or a girl.

Maybe a little bit like a girl sometimes?

But like I'm comfortable with the female pronouns.

Help?

And what would be a problem specifically for you? Often, the key to feeling comfortable in your gender comes from figuring out what we like and dislike in detail. Small things sum up to large things. 

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12 hours ago, Emery. said:

And what would be a problem specifically for you? Often, the key to feeling comfortable in your gender comes from figuring out what we like and dislike in detail. Small things sum up to large things. 

I'm going to try going by them/they on Friday and see how it goes.

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4 hours ago, Miss Who said:

I'm going to try going by them/they on Friday and see how it goes.

Cool. With friends?

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On 11/8/2018 at 1:56 AM, Emery. said:

Cool. With friends?

Yup.

I think I'm a demigirl

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  • 9 months later...
Cake-Loving Dragon

I feel similarly to this. I'm ok with female pronouns, though I wish I could try going by they/them. I don't fit very well into female stereotypes, but some of them I do. I know I'm not male. But when people say things like woman, lady, female, etc., it does make me a little uncomfortable. But that may just be my aro/ace speaking. I generally just try not to think about gender. I don't mind my female "parts," but I certainly don't like them. I think I have non-binary and feminine qualities. Does this sound like a demigirl to anyone?

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A good indicator is what you want to be. It has been said above, but what feels good (feeling 'right' is hard to describe, so feeling good is a simpler place to start), what you wish you were, not necessarily body-wise, how you'd rather refer to yourself... that has a good chance of being who you are after all. As a person who's always doubting and suffering from the idea that I might be 'transtrender' after all, it's comforting to tell myself that. If you wish a specific label applied to you (gender-wise, of course, sadly, lots of people wish they were straight but can't help not being it....) then you're allowed to claim it. If later on another one starts sounding more appealing, doesn't matter, you can change. We're all constantly figuring stuff out anyway. 

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On ‎1‎/‎5‎/‎2017 at 6:30 AM, Midnax149 said:

So yeah, I guess I've grown up as the tomboy. But first of all I don't like that word. It's a little bit reductive and simplistic and somewhat sexist. Not to mention that, now with all this new visibility on non-binary genders, I feel like it doesn't describe me right. I also don't consider "tomboy" to be a gender identity, it's looser than that, if that makes sense. It's just an adjective. But more importantly to all this, I don't identify with the "boy" part.

Personally, I view tomboy as the simplistic way of saying demi-girl. I can understand your feelings about it, but honestly to your title question my answer was "Both. There's a difference?"

 

So I'd say you're a demi-girl if you prefer that label. Rock what you got.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Quote

I guess in simple terms I feel like a girl, but not entirely? Like the other part of me (and I don't know how strong either part is at any given time) is just sort of... nothing.

'Female' demigender here as well, and I totally get what you mean by the whole confusion of being 'female' but also 'not' and feeling like 'tomboy' doesn't fit. 'Tomboy' in my mind also seems to have the feeling of 'oh it's just a young girl phase and they'll grow out of it' if that makes sense? I mean there are times when I might proudly claim the word, or have claimed the word in the past mostly because of how it classified me as 'outside the norm', but at the same time.... yeah no. Also this bit:

 

On 1/5/2017 at 8:30 AM, Midnax149 said:

A little bit of a girl, but certainly not girly. But also sort of nongender, but not so much that I have no gender at all. The word I've found that fits it best is demigirl, and since I'm definitely the kind of person that needs to have a name for it, this word helps a LOT. Just this knowledge helps a lot, really.

If a word makes sense to you, if a word speaks to you, then I say grab it. The reason I have so many labels myself is because it helps me think about and put words to things (even if I typically use shorthand versions of those labels and only tell people the labels relevant to the conversation), I define my labels rather then the other way around, so I totally get the feeling of a label being helpful. As for 'Just the knowledge helps a lot, really' yes I remember being there. ❤️

 

On 1/5/2017 at 10:34 AM, ChillaKilla said:

Disliking gender stereotypes doesn't make you trans. If that were the case, butch lesbians wouldn't exist.

Demigender is not trans, at all. (Edit: Correction it could be seen as fitting under the trans umbrella) The main reason I was 'adrift' in gender for so long is that trans and agender always seemed way to 'extreme' for me personally, finding the grey gender area was a relief.

 

In regards to gender people, or at least general society, seem to think in 'extremes' male, female, agender, trans and then just leave it at that without really exploring the greyer parts of gender. For me demigender is all that greyness in the middle where you are and you aren't connected to gender. In a way I think of the cisgender(cissexual?) aspect of my gender as almost like a comfort blanket/coat, I don't entirely want to throw it away, it still fits but sometimes it doesn't feel comfortable. It's like 'cisgender but more' almost and then there are other times when 'my body is female and my mind is just non-binary' and yet there are all these 'female' things I relate to and it's all just Quoi. So at the end of the day, my body is comfortable, being 'female' is a well worn coat I don't feel comfortable getting rid of and my mentality is Quoigender. So maybe one day I will be mentally agender or something like that, maybe I won't, it's all about what feels most comfortable for me right now. So for me it's this whole grey area, not entirely cisgender but not entirely agender either which demigender covers.

 

Demigirl:

Quote

A demigirl (also called a demiwoman or a demifemale person) is a gender identity describing someone who partially, but not wholly, identifies as a woman, girl or otherwise feminine, whatever their assigned gender at birth. They may or may not identify as another gender in addition to feeling partially a girl or woman.

 

Demigirl can be used to describe someone assigned female at birth who feels barely connected or disconnected to that identification, but usually, does not experience a significant enough dissociation to create real physical discomfort or dysphoria. Demigirl can also describe someone assigned male at birth who is transfeminine but not wholly binary-identified, so that they feel more strongly associated with "female" than "male," socially or physically, but not strongly enough to want to identify as a woman.

Demigirls may also identify as demigender, non-binary and/or transgender and can be any age. Demigirl come from "demi" meaning half in french. The male counterpart is demiguy.

On 1/5/2017 at 12:20 PM, Ettina said:

Your gender is not determined by how you prefer to dress or behave. Gender is how you feel inside, not how you present yourself.

❤️

On 1/5/2017 at 12:20 PM, Ettina said:

Your gender is not determined by how you prefer to dress or behave. Gender is how you feel inside, not how you present yourself. And my impression here is that you seem to feel female, just a female who isn't really interested in fitting the stereotypes.

If someone says "girls, come over here, boys go over there" do you instantly know where you should go, or do you hesitate?

If someone is talking about you to someone else in your presence and they refer to you as "she" or something else clearly gendered, do you feel an instant sense of "wait, that doesn't sound right?" Or does it sound completely normal to you?

If someone instead called you "they" would that sound better? Or would you prefer "she"? (Or "he"?)

 

Note: I'm cisgender. I'm just commenting based on things I've heard other people describe.   

As I mentioned above I find the lack of greyscale gender thinking problematic.  This is coming across to me as someone who is 'demifemale' may/should feel disconnected to female pronouns which given demifemale is specifically designed for people who are still connected to their feminine qualities in some form or other this line of thinking seems a little problematic. Useful method to consider for gender in general but the grey aspect of demifemale might not always mesh well with this line of questioning.

 

On 9/4/2019 at 3:41 PM, Cake-Loving Dragon said:

I feel similarly to this. I'm ok with female pronouns, though I wish I could try going by they/them. I don't fit very well into female stereotypes, but some of them I do. I know I'm not male. But when people say things like woman, lady, female, etc., it does make me a little uncomfortable. But that may just be my aro/ace speaking. I generally just try not to think about gender. I don't mind my female "parts," but I certainly don't like them. I think I have non-binary and feminine qualities. Does this sound like a demigirl to anyone?

Maybe, maybe not, personally I use 'demigender' as my default label because my feelings towards 'demifemale'* as just too influx for me to feel comfortable with using it full time. I personally tend to use demigender because I'm mostly fine with my body as is (teenage years of readjusting to body changes aside which I'm assuming is at least a semi common issue for people), I'm comfortable with female pronouns but mental gender is just quoigender and confusing to deal with. I think I fluctuate a lot within demigender and that demigender could cover a wide range of gender feelings, for people who feel a strong connection to a gender but also a very weak connection to gender.

 

*I sometimes use demifemale rather then demigirl etc since then I can mentally think of it as a reference to my physical body being female. You mentioned 'female' also being a problem label for you so perhaps that mental trick might help?

On 9/4/2019 at 3:41 PM, Cake-Loving Dragon said:

I think I have non-binary and feminine qualities. Does this sound like a demigirl to anyone?

So to get back to your question, you mentioned 'a little discomfort' with female labels and a wish people would use they/them pronouns for you. This indicates to me gender neutral labels like 'demigender', 'agender', 'non binary' etc might feel more comfortable to you then 'demigirl'?

 

Granted that is entirely up to what feels most comfortable to you. I’m not sure how other’s use the labels but I’ve been using both demigender and demifemale depending on context. Eg. present as demigender as a neutral term but fall on the side of demifemale.... sort of, it can be a useful term sometimes. 

 

Edit:

The What is it like to be demigender? thread might be useful to people. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have had a very similar experience, and although I don't like to be considered a boy, being a girl felt off, as did calling myself a tomboy and calling myself a masculine girl (I wasn't exactly masculine, I just didn't like being super feminine). Recently, I've discovered what demigirl meant, and it clicked. I really really like this label.

 

Basically, demigirl means that you identify mostly, but not completely, female. It kind of exists between being a girl, and being nonbinary. If you were to really simplify the gender spectrum, from female to male, it might look like: 

 

Female

Demigirl

Nonbinary

Demiboy (same as demigirl, but leaning toward male instead of female)

Male

 

I found that this inbetween place really fits for me, and based on your post, it might work for you as well. I suggest reading about it a little, and then deciding for yourself.

I hope this helps!

 

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On 1/5/2017 at 2:20 AM, Ettina said:

Your gender is not determined by how you prefer to dress or behave. Gender is how you feel inside, not how you present yourself. And my impression here is that you seem to feel female, just a female who isn't really interested in fitting the stereotypes.

If someone says "girls, come over here, boys go over there" do you instantly know where you should go, or do you hesitate?

If someone is talking about you to someone else in your presence and they refer to you as "she" or something else clearly gendered, do you feel an instant sense of "wait, that doesn't sound right?" Or does it sound completely normal to you?

If someone instead called you "they" would that sound better? Or would you prefer "she"? (Or "he"?)

 

Note: I'm cisgender. I'm just commenting based on things I've heard other people describe.   

I’m gender fluid because there are some days i feel like a woman, some days a man and other days i feel like i am no gender at all but i think it’s the same as you said that i’m not interested in fitting in the stereotypes. I prefer my pronouns to be she/her/they/them depending on what i want to be pronounced. I prefer public handicap restrooms because it’s gender neutral and i can feel free to be myself. Public restrooms and changing rooms are the biggest challenge for me and can easily trigger my dysphoria. There’s more things i can’t think of now that gives me dysphoria.

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  • 5 months later...
Aroace Ghost

I am physically a girl, however I don’t like to identify as one. I have a semi-split personality (one more feminine and one more masculine) what would that be called?

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DuranDuranfan
46 minutes ago, Aroace Ghost said:

I am physically a girl, however I don’t like to identify as one. I have a semi-split personality (one more feminine and one more masculine) what would that be called?

Sounds like bigender if one asserts itself, then the other side asserts itself.

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