Asexual here wondering if mixed relationships actually work

[Umichchemist]

I'm not sure what to say here, what I'm even doing in here, I don't know. I think my fiancé is asexual. I already went through the it's me, she's not attracted to me I'm ugly etc. and to be honest I still fight this reaction on the daily but I am getting better at understanding that when I am attracted to her I get turned on sexually where when she is attracted to me she feels an emotional and mental connection without sexual feelings. I'm trying to lock that in, it is hard, but I'm trying. What bothers me though is that anytime I bring up our lack of sexual passion or lack of sex I am turned into the enemy. I get responses like "you knew this about me when you said yes (not the asexual label bc I don't think she knows she is asexual) " or "I'm a piece of shit and broken, I'm sorry my brain is messed up". I don't think she's broke, I think she's in the 1%. I just don't want to feel like an asshole for having these conversations. I wish she understood what I am giving up to be with her. The feeling of being wanted like that, to be grabbed, to have that type of passion, the I have to have you right now reaction. It is an amazing feeling to have. And during sex to know that she is getting pleasure from it rather than checking it off her monthly chore list. I'm never going to have that ever again. I cry about this. She doesn't want to have sex with me. Regardless of why, I will never again get that feeling when you know she wants you. I know it is my choice, I know she can't help it, I know she struggles with self esteem bc she thinks she's broken and I'll eventually cheat on her. I'm trying to be as compassionate as I can about all these things just when will my feelings be taken into account? When will she understand the sacrifice I am making just to be with her. Sexual passion is gone for me once I met her. Like the person below said, it's a lifetime of me laying there and basically using her to masterbate and it's starting to not work anymore. I don't climax anymore bc I can't help but wonder if she's thinking in her mind "God when will this be over, hurry up already." I know this forum is for asexuals but maybe someone could help, I don't really know what to do.

[Guest]

Not that it's a big help, but the reason she's so defensive during your talks is because she most definitely knows that you're giving up something that means a lot to you. That's why she can't discuss it... ultimately, what's she going to say to make it better? 

[nanogretchen4]

Umichchemist, I can't emphasize strongly enough that you don't have to go through with the marriage. It sounds like your partner is trying to guilt you into staying by making this all about her self esteem issues. You are constantly having to show compassion to her about her incompatible sexual orientation. I think she's just using you as a crutch to save her from the terrifying coming out process. But in reality, she needs to go through the coming out process, just as a person needs to go through the other stages of growing up however scary and difficult they may seem at the time. The reason she feels so much anxiety every time the topic of your sex life comes up is that deep down she has a strong feeling that the relationship is not sustainable, but she's in frantic denial. If you are not ready to breakup outright, at least put marriage on hold indefinitely. Marriage isn't going to solve any of these problems.

[Umichchemist]

Skullery Maid: I think just acknowledgement would make it better. Just a "yeah I know this is a sacrifice you're making, what can we do to compromise?" Just talk about it, come to an agreement. 

 

Nanogtetchen4: I think you're right about sustainability. She has said her fears more than once about me looking for sex outside of our marriage. It's not that we don't have sex, it's just that I know she doesn't enjoy it, she doesn't desire me sexually. She said that when she looks at me she thinks, "wow she's so sexy I love her so much" rather than wow she's so sexy I have to have her now. I'm trying very hard to wrap my head around that idea and I am making progress. I'm not willing to end the relationship over this, especially when I don't think we've done everything we can to fix it. Do you have any ideas on compromises we could make? You mentioned coming out and I have a naive question: If she already came out as a lesbian is coming out as an asexual different, harder, etc.? And are there like varying levels of asexuality? Like Ive caught her masterbating once, and she has initiated sex, there have been times during it that I've felt she was getting pleasure from it ( our best times to be honest) . It's just infrequent. How can I tell the difference between low sex drive and asexuality?

[Telecaster68]

Quote

I think just acknowledgement would make it better. Just a "yeah I know this is a sacrifice you're making, what can we do to compromise?" Just talk about it, come to an agreement. 

I started a thread about this a while ago. Apparently, that is too much to ask.

[Umichchemist]

Televaster68: That's very discouraging. I guess I was just hoping that there would be a sexual support group for the ones who are in love with an asexual. Maybe some advice on how to make it work. 

[Telecaster68]

Most of the allies section is about that.

[Umichchemist]

I'm just tired of people thinking I'm selfish. "She's the one going through this. She's the one that has to deal with this." It's not just her, this affects me too. She can't help she's asexual, I can't help I fell in love with her. Don't I deserve just as much support and compassion as she does?

[nanogretchen4]

Umichchemist, if you are contemplating marriage to a lesbian, please tell me that you are a lesbian or bi or pan woman yourself. If for some reason you are a man then I guess your partner has equal difficulty facing up to the coming out process regardless of the orientation.

 

Assuming you are a woman, then obviously your partner has not fully accepted the idea that asexuality is a real sexual orientation, or she has not fully accepted the idea that she is asexual. Think about it. She's out as a lesbian and hopefully has some sort of self acceptance and self respect about that. She seems to realize that lesbians are not relationship compatible with men. She's not fully out as asexual and is saying a bunch of stuff about being broken, etc. She acts like she doesn't know asexuals are not relationship compatible with sexuals. She put forth the effort required to find a woman, but did not put forth the effort required to find an asexual woman. And frankly out asexual females seem to outnumber males right now, so being homoromantic might actually work to her advantage here.

 

I'm guessing she is asexual rather than simply having a much lower sex drive than you, because it's not unusual for a woman to have a low sex drive and it usually wouldn't cause her to refer to herself as broken. Also, women with lower sex drives than their partners usually have an easier time compromising than asexuals.

 

If she masturbates she has a libido though not necessarily a high one. If she consistently prefers masturbating over having sex with you then that makes her seem pretty asexual. Some other possibilities are that she's very rarely in the mood and it's a fluke that you walked in on that rare occasion, or that she wasn't in the mood for the same type of sex you typically want to have. Maybe it's very difficult for her to reach orgasm if someone else tries to do it for her, for example. Also, there are some people who greatly prefer giving to receiving. If they actively desire opportunities to please others sexually and get sexual pleasure from this, that's not asexuality, it's just a sexual role preference. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Umichchemist said:

Televaster68: That's very discouraging. I guess I was just hoping that there would be a sexual support group for the ones who are in love with an asexual. Maybe some advice on how to make it work. 

 

Yes, if your partner refuses to ever discuss it or acknowledge the difficulty, that's a huge problem. I've always maintained that a mixed relationship is already a bad idea, but if you add "doesn't communicate" on top of it, you're basically giving yourself a prison sentence. Don't. That's my best advice.

 

Tele -- the issue we were having is that you want your wife to continually discuss how horrible it is for you. That's sort of... well you know my feeling on that subject. There's a huge gulf between "has never had a conversation about it" vs "won't fall on her sword whenever I feel bad about our sex life."

[Telecaster68]

Everyone assumed it was 'continually'. It wasn't. 

[Guest]

I believe you, I'm just asking... please don't go around telling newbies that we yell at people who try to talk to their partners, because that's not true... running this member off the site because you're upset about a conversation that went very shittily elsewhere isn't, you know, ideal.

[Telecaster68]

I'm hardly running him off the site, whatever I was saying. 

[Guest]

Ok but you know what i mean!

 

Also, I love youuuuuu! That was a horrible thread, I completely agree. Or the few of them happening at the same time (which may have been part of the problem, as comments probably bled from one to another).

[Telecaster68]

Loves ya too. I'm just at the end of a shitty day, in which the inauguration was the least worst part. 

[Guest]

I'm at the beginning of my shitty day. Woo!!!

 

EDIT: It's sometimes hard, threading the needle between understanding sexuals' issues vs keeping this a safe asexual space. I've been bitched at more than a few times by AVENites who know me very well who say... Skulls, you literally said the exact same thing about your partner privately via email" and I'm like "yeah but I know where I'm coming from... I don't know where they're coming from." We all have to give each other the benefit of the doubt, which becomes difficult when so many people are already jumping down your throat.

[Telecaster68]

And then there's the ever present need to entertain hoi polloi... 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Umichchemist said:

Skullery Maid: I think just acknowledgement would make it better. Just a "yeah I know this is a sacrifice you're making, what can we do to compromise?" Just talk about it, come to an agreement. 

 

So, tell her that you need that? If you have told her, what was her response? 

 

Though, even if she acknowledges it is something you're giving up, there might not be an agreement to be had about it. That's the unfortunate reality of mixed relationships. 

[nanogretchen4]

Sorry about your day Telecaster. I don't even want to think about what could be worse than the inauguration.

[yeehaw123]

I've met a couple people on here who are in sucessful asexual/sexual relationships.

but if you don't feel comfortable having sex and he is getting frusturated by that then sorry to say this but I don't think that is very healthy. I had the same problem with my boyfriend and we eventually broke up becasue he wanted sex and all these sexual things and I didn't want any. 

 

Hope u work things out or find the person who is right for u! 

[Umichchemist]

Nanogretchen4: I started thinking that it was just a role preference. She doesn't like to receive which didn't hinder our relationship. It was just the one time I caught her so maybe it was a fluke. She has let me touch her twice and I we have engaged in twice what I would call mutual masterbation, the latter she appeared to enjoy, the other not so much. Although I am starting to believe that when I thought she was enjoying it, it was really just an act to make me feel good or give me what I need. Which I should feel grateful for, even be happy that an asexual (or so I believe) would be willing to do that for me. And on so many levels I am appreciative. But now that I know it's all fake how do I go back to pretending she is actually enjoying herself. We took a sex quiz last night, basically saying things we want to try, things we already do, things we will do if our partner wants us to, and things we absolutely would love to do. I answered YES!!! To basically everything and her responses were all "if my partner wants me to." I'm just now reading and educating myself on asexuality but from what I understand the fact that she is willing to do that for me is a big deal, huge! Then why do I feel so ungrateful. I don't want to end the relationship, even if we never had sex again. I don't want to pressure her, even if I did how can I pressure someone to enjoy sex, you can't.  There has to be some sort of compromise so we can both be happy. Or when you're in an asexual/sexual relationship is having sex but not wanting to as good as it gets? I guess that's a stupid question. 

 

And yes I am a lesbian. And wouldn't it be easier to admit being an asexual and understanding it rather than thinking you're broken. 

 

Side note: Her friends call her the worst lesbian ever, as a joke (although now it's not so funny) , because if a hot girl and guy walked by she would notice the attractive guy like she likes his hair or is jealous of how handsome he is, his style, etc. ..and not even notice the girl. 

 

Another sidenote: I once talked to her about transitioning and she said that if she was going to do it she should have done it along time ago, that it's too late now. ( she's 32 ) 

[Umichchemist]

1 hour ago, Owly McOwlFace said:

So, tell her that you need that? If you have told her, what was her response? 

 

Though, even if she acknowledges it is something you're giving up, there might not be an agreement to be had about it. That's the unfortunate reality of mixed relationships. 

No I haven't told her. Anytime I bring up anything about my feelings about our sex life it quickly gets turned into how I am making her feel like a POS who is broken. Is there any way to have this talk that doesn't lead there?

[Umichchemist]

2 hours ago, Skullery Maid said:

 

Yes, if your partner refuses to ever discuss it or acknowledge the difficulty, that's a huge problem. I've always maintained that a mixed relationship is already a bad idea, but if you add "doesn't communicate" on top of it, you're basically giving yourself a prison sentence. Don't. That's my best advice.

 

Tele -- the issue we were having is that you want your wife to continually discuss how horrible it is for you. That's sort of... well you know my feeling on that subject. There's a huge gulf between "has never had a conversation about it" vs "won't fall on her sword whenever I feel bad about our sex life."

I don't want a continuous discussion...I want a one time discussion where my feelings are acknowledged and we come to a compromise that we are both happy with.

[yeehaw123]

OOPS I wrote my reply to her & not u ... yikes. big mistake on my part.

 

maybe giver her an ultimatum? and express how u feel and how u think she is asexual. 

maybe you can show her this site? show her the asexual community. I know when i found aven it was like 1000 pounds being lifted off my shoulders.

 

Good luck, wish u the best.

[Guest]

12 minutes ago, Umichchemist said:

Side note: Her friends call her the worst lesbian ever, as a joke (although now it's not so funny) , because if a hot girl and guy walked by she would notice the attractive guy like she likes his hair or is jealous of how handsome he is, his style, etc. ..and not even notice the girl. 

 

Another sidenote: I once talked to her about transitioning and she said that if she was going to do it she should have done it along time ago, that it's too late now. ( she's 32 ) 

Oh, ok, so that explains a lot. Hard to be sexual when you don't connect with your body. As an aside, I kinda get the whole "i'm too old to transition" thing... it's probably not true or healthy, but i do get the attitude. Do you treat her body like it's male? Jerk her off, use male terminology, male mannerisms... give a blowie rather than, you know, lady oral sex? That could really help. Oh and stay away from boob grabbing unless she seems to actively enjoy it.

[Umichchemist]

8 hours ago, Skullery Maid said:

Oh, ok, so that explains a lot. Hard to be sexual when you don't connect with your body. As an aside, I kinda get the whole "i'm too old to transition" thing... it's probably not true or healthy, but i do get the attitude. Do you treat her body like it's male? Jerk her off, use male terminology, male mannerisms... give a blowie rather than, you know, lady oral sex? That could really help. Oh and stay away from boob grabbing unless she seems to actively enjoy it.

She doesn't seem to like the male thing. She says she doesn't want to be called daddy (when we have kids), I have given a BJ to one of our toys when we first started dating and idk I think she liked it, she seemed to at the time but maybe bc it was her first time using toys that added the enjoyable excitement. We have a dildo but she doesn't like to use it, she says she has a hard time imagining it's hers and can't get enjoyment out of it, but then again I'm not sure she gets enjoyment out of actually using her hands so she can feel me. Idk I'm confused. And yeah she doesn't like the boob grabbing. Or me looking at her naked. Or calling her sexy.....I think there may be more at play here than just asexuality....

 

 

[Guest]

Hahaha... I think I just saw the light bulb flashing over your head 

[Sally]

As far as mixed relationships go (between sexuals and asexuals), I think if either partner hears the following words in their heads about their relationship: guilt, resentment, anger, grateful, ungrateful, silence, or selfish -- then it's time to reevaluate whether the relationship is viable.  

[Tarfeather]

3 hours ago, Sally said:

As far as mixed relationships go (between sexuals and asexuals), I think if either partner hears the following words in their heads about their relationship: guilt, resentment, anger, grateful, ungrateful, silence, or selfish -- then it's time to reevaluate whether the relationship is viable.  

Well, I hear the words "I'm very grateful to my partner" in my head. Does that mean it's time to end the relationship?

[Telecaster68]

 

3 hours ago, Sally said:

As far as mixed relationships go (between sexuals and asexuals), I think if either partner hears the following words in their heads about their relationship: guilt, resentment, anger, grateful, ungrateful, silence, or selfish -- then it's time to reevaluate whether the relationship is viable.  

That seems wildly idealistic to me.  I doubt there's any relationship of more than a few weeks where guilt, resentment, anger, gratitude, silence or selfishness haven't been an issue at some point. It would be an over reaction to consider nuking it just because they crop up. The point is what each side is willing and able to do about it - if the answer on either side is 'nothing', *that's* the point to think about viability.