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Neapolitan_Cat

Asexual here wondering if mixed relationships actually work

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Neapolitan_Cat
4 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Ok, it sounds like you guys are doing all the stuff that you need to do. Talking, trying things, working around each other's schedules and preferences. Try not to focus on it too much or you'll get burnt out. The reason I asked if you care if your sex life is unilateral or not is because over the years, mine has turned pretty... one directional. There's no point to me trying to do anything to my partner because it's not going to work anyway, and I got discouraged... so basically we were both play acting during sex, with her pretending (poorly) to be into it, and me pretending to act like I was into it when I was really just like "ugh you're not going to come anyway, so just stop me so we can be done." If your boyfriend is able to recognize that you really don't like sex and nothing he does will change that, maybe you can both move past trying to get you to enjoy it.

At least there's some hope. Good thing I went from discovering I'm kind of averse personally to more indifferent to anything.

 

So I should... show more initiative than I am now. At first the point shouldn't be to get me into it, it should be to bond over and remember it's supposed to be a shared experience? Maybe once we both improve in being on the same page, maybe that'd make me enjoy it more. Because with females/female bodies I've heard the relationship also has to be good to have good sex, that it's more than just a straightforward drive like in males/male bodies. And we've definitely had rifts between us in the past, the biggest one being last year

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Skullery Maid

Eh, I'm not into gendered generalities, because they're almost always wrong for me. But, you should do whatever you want to do. You shouldn't take more initiative unless you want to... if you're making yourself do it, it won't take long before it starts to become a chore and you stop. He'll be more confused than he is now.

 

I don't know what it means to focus on the bond, and I definitely don't think it makes sense that it can be a shared, bonding activity if you're not into it. How is it shared or bonding if you're just waiting for it to be over? I honestly don't know what to say. For me, it became much, much easier once the whole "bonding" thing was thrown to the curb. For us, focusing on orgasm was much better, because it's something easy and definable. Spending too much time worrying about the bonding, etc, make things soooo awkward and made us both so anxious.

 

The reason sex is bonding is mostly due to chemicals. It doesn't matter if you're laughing and teasing and watching tv while you get off, or if you're gazing deeply into each other's eyes while listening to Enya and having 6 hour tantric sex. Either way, you get the neurotransmitters or you don't, and that's what bonds you. You guys need to find whatever sort of... style... works for you.

 

Also keep in mind that you're both young and that you're much more romantic than he is, and he's much more sexual than you are. Staying together forever doesn't sound like a smart move IMO.

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nanogretchen4

I think you should work on feeling less dependent on this guy. For example, if you want to move consider looking for a roommate rather than moving in with a romantic partner who may not be around forever. Make some platonic friends so you don't feel like your options are putting up with a not so great relationship or being stuck in the house alone all day. If you have multiple friends you won't lose your whole support network at once in the event of a breakup.

 

You seem to have access to a computer or similar internet capable advice. You don't have to go to a mall to buy a book. A much better selection is available cheaper in ebook form. If you don't even enjoy penetration I don't think one of those position manuals would help, though. But there are quite a range of educational books about sex available, and there are also sex education websites.

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Neapolitan_Cat
3 hours ago, Skullery Maid said:

Eh, I'm not into gendered generalities, because they're almost always wrong for me. But, you should do whatever you want to do. You shouldn't take more initiative unless you want to... if you're making yourself do it, it won't take long before it starts to become a chore and you stop. He'll be more confused than he is now.

 

I don't know what it means to focus on the bond, and I definitely don't think it makes sense that it can be a shared, bonding activity if you're not into it. How is it shared or bonding if you're just waiting for it to be over? I honestly don't know what to say. For me, it became much, much easier once the whole "bonding" thing was thrown to the curb. For us, focusing on orgasm was much better, because it's something easy and definable. Spending too much time worrying about the bonding, etc, make things soooo awkward and made us both so anxious.

 

The reason sex is bonding is mostly due to chemicals. It doesn't matter if you're laughing and teasing and watching tv while you get off, or if you're gazing deeply into each other's eyes while listening to Enya and having 6 hour tantric sex. Either way, you get the neurotransmitters or you don't, and that's what bonds you. You guys need to find whatever sort of... style... works for you.

 

Also keep in mind that you're both young and that you're much more romantic than he is, and he's much more sexual than you are. Staying together forever doesn't sound like a smart move IMO.

By bonding I mean, focusing on each other, the moment, focusing on how close we are physically and try to connect emotionally. Use it like the way making out was for me. To have a shared experience. I don't even know if I'm capable of orgasm

 

...... he used to be romantic.......

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Neapolitan_Cat
1 hour ago, nanogretchen4 said:

I think you should work on feeling less dependent on this guy. For example, if you want to move consider looking for a roommate rather than moving in with a romantic partner who may not be around forever. Make some platonic friends so you don't feel like your options are putting up with a not so great relationship or being stuck in the house alone all day. If you have multiple friends you won't lose your whole support network at once in the event of a breakup.

 

You seem to have access to a computer or similar internet capable advice. You don't have to go to a mall to buy a book. A much better selection is available cheaper in ebook form. If you don't even enjoy penetration I don't think one of those position manuals would help, though. But there are quite a range of educational books about sex available, and there are also sex education websites.

We have some sort of friendly base too so we could focus on friendship if things don't work out. And.... me make friends..... I'm no good at that. I'm used to not having friends around in real life.

 

I've also heard of the possibility of getting viruses like through porn sites. I do have a site reliability tool on my laptop but, eh.... I'll probably have to though

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nanogretchen4

If you download books from the kindle store, for example, viruses are very unlikely. I haven't heard of people getting viruses from scarleteen, oh joy sex toy, and the like. Downloading porn runs a risk of computer viruses, but if you just want information about sex you can get it pretty safely.

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Skullery Maid
50 minutes ago, Cetasoul said:

By bonding I mean, focusing on each other, the moment, focusing on how close we are physically and try to connect emotionally. Use it like the way making out was for me. To have a shared experience. I don't even know if I'm capable of orgasm

 

...... he used to be romantic.......

To some extent you guys may be having a chicken and egg thing... he needs sex to feel romantic, you need romance to want to have sex. That's not uncommon. I start feeling like a friend, not a romantic partner, pretty quickly without sex... by week two I'm feeling independent, by week four I feel pretty much completely platonic. Also for me, personally, focusing on the moment, and being close together and trying to connect emotionally sounds horrible. I would rather not have sex at all than have to have sex like that. Again, that's a personal thing, but it may be that you guys like very different kinds of sex. Or, conversely, you're asexual, so you like the kind of sex that's the least like sex, while he probably likes the kind of sex that's the most like sex. Again, these are just guesses. Sexual incompatibility happens between two straight people, two gay people, etc, all the time... one person is into fast and hard, the other is into eye-gazing and soul touching. That combination is not going to lead to a happy sex life for anybody, even if orientations match.

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Neapolitan_Cat

It doesn't matter anyways. It seems like we're doomed from what he says. I refuse to date because I can't deal with heartbreak again. It's all perfect in the beginning so I wouldn't be able to tell what'd work and what wouldn't, asexual partner or not. Best option would be to be forever alone

@Skullery Maid @nanogretchen4

 

Romance can exist without sex.... in an imaginary world maybe.... but this is reality and real life sucks. Let's just face it

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MrDane
13 hours ago, Cetasoul said:

Enjoying being with my partner would work but..... I had already done that. I have no clue how sex is supposed to play out with a heterosexual (maybe any other sexual but this is a hetero relationship) couple. How am I supposed to physically respond to make it seem like I'm into it? How do I let him know in a positive way I enjoy the company and bonding it gives even though I'm not capable of getting into it like "a normal girl" would?

There is a fine line between 'playing along' and 'pretending/faking'! 

If you like something, anything really, food or swimming or getting a present  or..., then you have a reaction, where you will say:'mmmm!',  And you will maybe smile and move your body closer as you want to stay eating or swimming... dont try to be a film actor and curl your body around and say things you dont really mean. .

..and dont 'tough it out!' Be frank and open and say, I am sorry, but not like this today. I love you but i just cant do this rigth now. https://prismaticentanglements.com/2012/03/28/how-to-have-sex-with-an-asexual-person/

 

i think this link, gives a good guideline. Red, yellow and green could work. 

 

If you go into any activity, fullhearted, with the love of your partner in sigth, then the chance of succes is great. If I play a game with my daugthers, then I leave my phone, my worries and focus on them and the game. The game can be a bit long and in itself a bit boring, but when i strike a good one with the dice, then i say uhh, ahh, nice, yes. Since it is part of the game. What i really enjoy is having a good gametime with my daugthers and there is good chance we will all have had a good experience when the game is over.

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Neapolitan_Cat
1 minute ago, MrDane said:

There is a fine line between 'playing along' and 'pretending/faking'! 

If you like something, anything really, food or swimming or getting a present  or..., then you have a reaction, where you will say:'mmmm!',  And you will maybe smile and move your body closer as you want to stay eating or swimming... dont try to be a film actor and curl your body around and say things you dont really mean. .

..and dont 'tough it out!' Be frank and open and say, I am sorry, but not like this today. I love you but i just cant do this rigth now. https://prismaticentanglements.com/2012/03/28/how-to-have-sex-with-an-asexual-person/

 

i think this link, gives a good guideline. Red, yellow and green could work. 

 

If you go into any activity, fullhearted, with the love of your partner in sigth, then the chance of succes is great. If I play a game with my daugthers, then I leave my phone, my worries and focus on them and the game. The game can be a bit long and in itself a bit boring, but when i strike a good one with the dice, then i say uhh, ahh, nice, yes. Since it is part of the game. What i really enjoy is having a good gametime with my daugthers and there is good chance we will all have had a good experience when the game is over.

Maybe. But I posted the current news right before this one. Read that. I think it's too late

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MrDane
1 minute ago, Cetasoul said:

Maybe. But I posted the current news right before this one. Read that. I think it's too late

Sorry about that! I didnt read the last posts before i made my points! I think you tried hard  and it can be very hard for the asexual to try to bend themselves to fit into the sexual category. You need to be true to yourself and take life/relationships one step after eachother and stop and feel if the 'ice will hold'! 

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Lara Black

Hello again, Cetasoul.

I’ve read both threads, started by you, and I have a feeling of some controversy, though I can’t quite put my finger on it. On one hand, you talk a lot about trying your best to satisfy your boyfriend, but at the same time you say that he should be grateful for your effort. The same goes for your boyfriend: you describe him as understanding and use various positive terms, but also say that he is pressuring you for oral sex and other things you don’t want to do. It seems like there are two levels of actions – on the surface you are both very supportive of each other, but deep inside each is pressuring the other to accept their terms of relationships… or, at least, wishes to be greatly appreciated for your sacrifices.

That kind of behavior is not specific for mixed relationships – sexual couples often do quite the same things. And most often the strategy of two-level actions doesn’t work. There is a difference between acting supportive and really being this way, and many relationships (including mixed) fail because people want to “bribe” their partner with “right” actions in order to get something they want. Of course, there is nothing wrong in doing something for the one you love, but the key difference, I think, is in whether you expect something in return or do it just to make your partner happy.

Even if your current relationships are doomed, it might be useful to analyze what happened and why.

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Neapolitan_Cat
43 minutes ago, MrDane said:

There is a fine line between 'playing along' and 'pretending/faking'! 

If you like something, anything really, food or swimming or getting a present  or..., then you have a reaction, where you will say:'mmmm!',  And you will maybe smile and move your body closer as you want to stay eating or swimming... dont try to be a film actor and curl your body around and say things you dont really mean. .

..and dont 'tough it out!' Be frank and open and say, I am sorry, but not like this today. I love you but i just cant do this rigth now. https://prismaticentanglements.com/2012/03/28/how-to-have-sex-with-an-asexual-person/

 

i think this link, gives a good guideline. Red, yellow and green could work. 

 

If you go into any activity, fullhearted, with the love of your partner in sigth, then the chance of succes is great. If I play a game with my daugthers, then I leave my phone, my worries and focus on them and the game. The game can be a bit long and in itself a bit boring, but when i strike a good one with the dice, then i say uhh, ahh, nice, yes. Since it is part of the game. What i really enjoy is having a good gametime with my daugthers and there is good chance we will all have had a good experience when the game is over.

That was actually a good read (read enough to get the gist of it). I sent him the link too to look through, and if he is too lazy to read through it or even open it up, I screen shot some good points he should consider. Thanks. It might, just might, save us

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Neapolitan_Cat
15 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

Hello again, Cetasoul.

I’ve read both threads, started by you, and I have a feeling of some controversy, though I can’t quite put my finger on it. On one hand, you talk a lot about trying your best to satisfy your boyfriend, but at the same time you say that he should be grateful for your effort. The same goes for your boyfriend: you describe him as understanding and use various positive terms, but also say that he is pressuring you for oral sex and other things you don’t want to do. It seems like there are two levels of actions – on the surface you are both very supportive of each other, but deep inside each is pressuring the other to accept their terms of relationships… or, at least, wishes to be greatly appreciated for your sacrifices.

That kind of behavior is not specific for mixed relationships – sexual couples often do quite the same things. And most often the strategy of two-level actions doesn’t work. There is a difference between acting supportive and really being this way, and many relationships (including mixed) fail because people want to “bribe” their partner with “right” actions in order to get something they want. Of course, there is nothing wrong in doing something for the one you love, but the key difference, I think, is in whether you expect something in return or do it just to make your partner happy.

Even if your current relationships are doomed, it might be useful to analyze what happened and why.

Everyone says he's not good either.  Family did, coworkers do. I'm done with relationships forever it feels like

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Telecaster68
1 hour ago, Lara Black said:

 many relationships (including mixed) fail because people want to “bribe” their partner with “right” actions in order to get something they want. Of course, there is nothing wrong in doing something for the one you love, but the key difference, I think, is in whether you expect something in return or do it just to make your partner happy.
 

This is called 'covert contracts'. It's a thing.

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Nidwin

Don't give up Cetasoul, just give yourself some time to get over this fiasco.

 

You tried and did what you could, compromised, to make it work.

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Ettina

I don't think the allo/ace issue is the only problem in your relationship. From all you've said so far, he sounds like a self-centered dick. He doesn't care about helping you with your depression, he doesn't care to try to do things that you want out of the relationship, he just expects you to change to suit him and he won't do the same.

Not all ace/allo relationships are like this. Any healthy relationship requires compromise on both sides - he sounds like he wants you to compromise while he doesn't.  

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Ettina

I don't think the allo/ace issue is the only problem in your relationship. From all you've said so far, he sounds like a self-centered dick. He doesn't care about helping you with your depression, he doesn't care to try to do things that you want out of the relationship, he just expects you to change to suit him and he won't do the same.

Not all ace/allo relationships are like this. Any healthy relationship requires compromise on both sides - he sounds like he wants you to compromise while he doesn't.  

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Ettina

I don't think the allo/ace issue is the only problem in your relationship. From all you've said so far, he sounds like a self-centered dick. He doesn't care about helping you with your depression, he doesn't care to try to do things that you want out of the relationship, he just expects you to change to suit him and he won't do the same.

Not all ace/allo relationships are like this. Any healthy relationship requires compromise on both sides - he sounds like he wants you to compromise while he doesn't.  

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Skullery Maid

I absolutely despise that "how to have sex with an asexual" article. Despise. Honestly, if someone is so asexual that that guide seems relevant, they have no business dating sexuals.

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Telecaster68

I think that blog is actually a cunning strategy to make any one reading it give up the thought of sex entirely. 

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Serran

I ... skimmed that article. And while I can agree with some sentiments, it kind of goes overboard, imo. 

 

Ceta - Romance / relationships without sex are totally possible, if you date someone compatible. It just sucks when an incompatible one happens. I am with someone now who cares as little about sex as I do and it is so much better than forcing myself to be sexual for someone else. Just take time, heal, but don't give up hope. :)

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MrDane

Well, I think the article about how-to-have-sex is ok, or at least I like the Notes in the end. I can use it, as a lens to look at my relationship through. Better than most how-to-have more sex-articles in the average magazine, regarding a couple of sexuals. 

I dontthink it is that useful in the beginng but for me in a long term relationship, which started as a low libido+high libido, but frekkin patient and turned into ace+sexual.

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Tarfeather

"How to have sex with an asexual?" "Well, that's easy, you don't!" That's basically the entirety of the information contained in that article, although I do agree it's good advice. ^^ Bit wordy given that..

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MrDane

Back to the article again! I dont agrre with everything and i dont think it is about not having sex but about a way around it, so that you can have sex and both without losing your selfrespect.

 

how.to.have.sex.with.an.asexual

 

"...In two words: GIVE UP.

That probably sounds counter-intuitive. Here’s the thing: asexual people who might be interested in having sex really need to know you are okay with not having sex in order to feel okay having it....quoted from the article"

in my own relationship, the asexual is often frustrated when she can feel my frustration and that stresses her and gives her a bad concience and makes her feel that she is neglecting me and the 'funny' thing is, that it then will be harder for her to actuallyhave sex, which could have been nice if it was in a more relaxed condition, and I will be frustrated and that makes it harder for her... (see the bad circle)=no sex

if Ican be more relaxed about it, which I can, when I know it is going to take place (by an agreed schedule, which can of course always be overruled by force majeure) and we know we love each other and choose eavh other, then pressure is off. =nice sex for both of us. 

'Giving up' is about how I should stop trying to think, that if only I looked better or bought her more flowers/lingerie or appreciated her skills or... then she would be horny and we could shag our brains out, like they do in the movies. Give up trying to turn her lust on. Relax and focus on being a good guy and be happy that you do have a lovely partner. Focus on showing love.      ...and then I do have nice sex with her, good for her too! 

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Telecaster68

Which is fine, if that works. My wife just  considers she's off the hook, and nothing happens. 

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Frigid Pink

Hello!

To the OP, I feel I can relate on so many levels, and I have so many things I want to say to you, however, I'm having a hard time putting it all into words, so, this post is all over the place (and pretty lengthy).

I highly recommend this website about healthy sex and this website about dating as a discovery phase for starters.

I think it's important that we accept and love ourselves and not push ourselves to do things that make us mostly unhappy. It is possible to be in a "mixed" relationship that works (I'm in one!). It really and truly depends on the people involved and what their wants, needs, and dealbreakers are. It certainly won't work with everyone, and that's okay. It's highly unlikely that a first relationship or earlier one will be the best one as most people are still figuring out what does and doesn't work for them, what does and doesn't add to their happiness. I wouldn't give up on relationships because a first or early try didn't work out. I'd learn from it and try again (if a relationship is something I actually desire).

 

I'm "sex-averse" and "sex-repulsed," and thought I'd never engage in partnered sexual activity because of that, however, I've discovered that there are certain partnered sexual activities I can and do enjoy (despite those factors). Even so, I don't engage in any sexual activities that are or could be emotionally or physically harmful to me. For example, I'm repulsed by oral sex and have zero interest in that, and that can be true of anyone despite sexual orientation. If a relationship didn't work out because the other person wanted that and I didn't and we were incompatible because of it, then I'd be okay with that. It's a dealbreaker for me. 

 

Again, I think self acceptance is incredibly important. Once I accepted my (a)sexuality and didn't feel insecure about it or ashamed of it, then having conversations about it with romantic interests (and partners) became much easier.

I used to view my (a)sexuality as a major "flaw" that I had to reveal to any potential romantic partner and I strongly advise against this. I've learned that it's much better to celebrate my (a)sexuality vs. view it as a "flaw" (it's a "flaw" if someone doesn't accept my (a)sexuality- it's not a "flaw" that I'm an asexual person) and I've also learned to put the focus on me and my wants and needs ("I want and need a romantic partner to accept my (a)sexuality and be sexually compatible with me" vs. "they may not want to be with me because I'm asexual" or "they may want sex that I'm not interested in or not willing to share"), therefore, my (a)sexuality is just another non-dramatic aspect of me to casually share with someone (aka "I love to dance" and "I work full-time") vs. a grave discussion that must be had with someone before things can progress further.

Instead of thinking "they reject me," I now think "I reject them." I think of my own needs first and what would make me happiest (not putting others' needs before my own is something I've been working on for awhile now). I'm not waiting for someone to validate me or accept me despite my "flaws." 

It's a dealbreaker for me if the other person doesn't accept my (a)sexuality.

 

My unsolicited advice to you is to work on self acceptance. I don't think pretending to be someone you're not is the key to happiness. 

Why are you willing to try and be someone you're not for the sake of a relationship? Doesn't that sound unhealthy to you? What do you expect a relationship to do for you and is that something you need to be doing for yourself? 

Your happiness is your responsibility.

I'd ask myself, "Why do I want this so badly?" and then think of ways I can give myself whatever it is I think a relationship will give me. It's okay to want a relationship and they can (and do) certainly add to happiness, however, it's not healthy to depend on a relationship (or another person) for your happiness.

 

I'd acknowledge and admit to myself whether or not I'm really happy in this relationship and can continue with things as they are (vs. hoping that things will change or trying to change someone else). 

It's best to accept people for who they are and decide whether or not we're okay, comfortable, and happy with who they are now vs. who they might change to be. If we're not, then that's okay. I don't view that as a failure. I view it as a failure to put someone else's needs and happiness before our own (and at the expense of our own) and to treat someone else's needs and happiness as more important than our own. I view success as being a good advocate for ourselves and taking care of ourselves first. I view love not as self sacrifice but as self respect and self care. I don't think love has to be so painful and I highly recommend this article about it. I also highly recommend this article when deciding to stay or go.

 

Overall, if there's an incompatibility, then there's no workable "solution," and it sounds like that may be the case here, and that's okay. It's up to you to decide what is and isn't tolerable. Overall, it's important to remember that your wants/needs/desires are just as important as those of your partner and a "solution" is one that works for both of you and is about the happiness of both people and not just one person. 

 

For the future, I'd mention my (a)sexuality as soon as possible if I felt the desire to pursue a romantic interest further, especially before I made a serious commitment or emotional investment.

 

I highly recommend this article.

(some excerpts)

50. Get your head in order before you date because we end up in relationships with people that reflect what we believe, so it’s best to make your beliefs and attitude positive. Don’t date if you feel cynical, jaded, or bored with dating because it will manifest itself in your behaviour and choices. You will be biased to look for evidence that supports your mindset. 

 

81. Don’t hang around with people who have negative attitudes towards dating, especially if they affect your mindset and cloud your judgement. This is both your single and attached friends. It’s good to spend time around positive people who support you as opposed to negative people who suck the fun out of things, undermine your choices, trigger you questioning yourself, or portray you and your life as doom and gloom. It’s very patronising when attached people make out as if you’re something to be pitied and just as much of a headwreck when single and disillusioned friends try to sh*t on your efforts. Their experience is not your experience plus your story isn’t written yet.

 

100. Enjoy dating and don’t take it or yourself too seriously. This means striking a balance between meeting people, socialising, and the potential of finding a relationship. Not every person can be ‘The One’. Not every date has the potential to turn into a relationship. Not every date should turn into a relationship and if it did, you’re either ‘lucky’ or you have your quality control filter turned off. It’s okay to want a relationship but don’t make it the source of your self-esteem.

 

I hope this helps! :cake:

 

 

 

 

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Skullery Maid

I'm obsessed with your post, Pink. 

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Frigid Pink
On 1/7/2017 at 4:56 PM, Skullery Maid said:

I'm obsessed with your post, Pink. 

Just saw this. Thanks! :cake:

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Photodude

It is often said that if you have to walk on eggshells in your relationship then something is very wrong.  Reading that blog post, I couldn't finish it.  My feet were too bloody walking on a pile of eggshells so deep I had to clear a path into that room.

 

As a sexual, I'm not sure how any sexual person could read that article and think they have any chance at happiness with an asexual.  No amount of communication can empty that room of all those eggshells.  But as noted earlier, that seemed to be the whole point.

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