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Anyone ever been married/divorced?


RMarieM

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On 1/4/2017 at 0:04 AM, Ƒaraday said:

Yep, I was married twice and both of my marriages ended due to my asexuality.  However, at the time, I was unaware of an asexual community.  I'm not sure if knowing about asexuality while I was married would have changed things.    

Reading the welcome posts of the teens that have signed up here, I wondered if those of you that have gone thru a now ended marriage(s)/relationship(s) were just trying to conform to society by getting married?

 

If you had know about asexuality at an earlier age would you have avoided marriage and/or relationships. 

 

I get a feeling that the younger folks will be able to avoid a lot of heartbreak by identifying at a much earlier age than us older members.

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On 3/1/2017 at 7:07 AM, Lugelady said:

I was in a 21 year lesbian relationship that ended last year.  It was heartbreaking for me, because we had a perfect family and life (in my eyes).  We have 4 teenagers that are amazing, but it was like we were just friends raising our kids.  I know it was the lack of intimacy that broke us apart.  I was fine with it, but my wife realized she needed more and didn't want to cheat on me.  The hardest part was knowing how well I got along with my ex, and how we never had fights or arguments, so separating was devastating.   

 

That's why I always think that nobody can say that his /her partner is happy in a relationship. When I heard somebody saying "We are in a mixed relationship and we re so happy" or "We have this X major incompatibility but we are so happy" I always think "No, you don't know if your partner is happy, not even if he/she tells you that he/she is happy because maybe she doesn't want to hurt your feelings".

I am of the opinion that major incompatibilities like being childfree or not /being asexual or not / wanting to move to different countries or not, should be stated beforehand because the chances that the relationship ends because of that or that one side becomes very unhappy are really high.

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On 4/1/2017 at 6:04 AM, Ƒaraday said:

Yep, I was married twice and both of my marriages ended due to my asexuality.  However, at the time, I was unaware of an asexual community.  I'm not sure if knowing about asexuality while I was married would have changed things.    

 

Well, at least it would have avoided your second marriage.

In general I don't even know why people marry, I was in a multi year relationship with a girl and splitting up was a nightmare, I can't imagine how bad would it have been with paper work, bureaucracy, etc.. 

I like being in a relationship but I think marrying is a bad deal no matter if you are sexual or asexual.

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victoriangent

When I was in my late teens, my parents thought there was something wrong with me.  I was not interested in dating or marriage so they sent me to counseling.  At age 26 I got married to my first wife due to the pressures of family and society (just to appear normal) and had only one daughter and glad of it.  Tried invitro but no work for many more children.  After 16 years, had enough of her verbal and emotional abuse and left the marriage.  A couple years later got married again but because I have not fulfilled her sexually, then she is having an emotional affair on facebook with a guy from India.  Not sure if this marriage will last but I am through with sex and glad to not have to perform just to please.

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Hi, I'm in the same boat.  Married and then Divorced due to lack of sex with my husband.  Found Aven almost 2 yrs ago and between this and a book on Asexuality I saw in my Facebook feed, figured out I was Asexual.  I did however end up having two wonderful kids and blessed for the time I had having a partner to share things with during that time, eventhough I hated the act of sex and tried to avoid it and of couse did it to please him but I had no pleasure or desire to do it.  I just wanted cuddles in which very seldom happened, he never understood the comfort I got from just cuddling because that made him want to have sex.  We've been seperated for two years and divorced for about 9 months now, I've had trouble with depression, a lot.  I keep strong for my kids and myself but on the inside I'm depressed and want someone to cuddle with but no sex because I'm fine with it and I have very few friends to talk and spend time with, but feel greatful to figure out why I am the way I am.  I've never had the urge for sex or a sex drive, so I'm fine with that but would love to find a partner/friend that understands, I just try to stay positive.  That has worked so far as I was able to move from an apartment and secure a home for myself and my kids I have during the week and everyother weekend. We are getting back to a more normal life and just got a dog for us because my kids have been waiting over 3yrs to get one, plus I need a fur buddy to lean on when I'm alone trying to learn new things and better myself and my kids futures. I'm so glad to have Aven and it's community to lean on for answers and the comfort that I'm not the onlyone like this.

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TheLastOfSheila
12 hours ago, kab430s said:

Hi, I'm in the same boat.  Married and then Divorced due to lack of sex with my husband.  Found Aven almost 2 yrs ago and between this and a book on Asexuality I saw in my Facebook feed, figured out I was Asexual.  I did however end up having two wonderful kids and blessed for the time I had having a partner to share things with during that time, eventhough I hated the act of sex and tried to avoid it and of couse did it to please him but I had no pleasure or desire to do it.  I just wanted cuddles in which very seldom happened, he never understood the comfort I got from just cuddling because that made him want to have sex.  We've been seperated for two years and divorced for about 9 months now, I've had trouble with depression, a lot.  I keep strong for my kids and myself but on the inside I'm depressed and want someone to cuddle with but no sex because I'm fine with it and I have very few friends to talk and spend time with, but feel greatful to figure out why I am the way I am.  I've never had the urge for sex or a sex drive, so I'm fine with that but would love to find a partner/friend that understands, I just try to stay positive.  That has worked so far as I was able to move from an apartment and secure a home for myself and my kids I have during the week and everyother weekend. We are getting back to a more normal life and just got a dog for us because my kids have been waiting over 3yrs to get one, plus I need a fur buddy to lean on when I'm alone trying to learn new things and better myself and my kids futures. I'm so glad to have Aven and it's community to lean on for answers and the comfort that I'm not the onlyone like this.

Welcome kab430s!  I get a lot of comfort from Aven too.  :cake:

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Unfortunately, I got married just to keep society happy. In retrospect, my husband had his own agenda, and when he thought it was within his reach, he showed his full colours....and I headed for the hills. Sex was just a wife's duty in my mind, so it was never an important part of the relationship, but he was sexual.

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Such a relief to see there are others out there!  Was married for 23 years, then divorced, and ended a 5-year relationship, mostly because I have no interest in sex.  Enjoying each other's company and cuddling seems to be enough for me.

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@Cafe167

 

Welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

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I married twice, first one 13 1/2 years, had 2 kids all grown and moved on now. I knew then that I didn't like sex, but I got married a second time, hated it, only lasted a year, I divorced him and the first one. I miss having someone coming home to me but just for the company. I'm almost 55 and I really don't want to die alone, yes I have a pet but that pet doesn't talk or hold my hand or hug me. That's all I want out of a relationship. 

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I married twice, first one 13 1/2 years, had 2 kids all grown and moved on now. I knew then that I didn't like sex, but I got married a second time, hated it, only lasted a year, I divorced him and the first one. I miss having someone coming home to me but just for the company. I'm almost 55 and I really don't want to die alone, yes I have a pet but that pet doesn't talk or hold my hand or hug me. That's all I want out of a relationship. 

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CrochetFool

Married a guy I met here on AVEN--so far, so good. :)

 

 

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BobRossRules
On 3/2/2017 at 8:28 PM, CrochetFool said:

Married a guy I met here on AVEN--so far, so good. :)

That's awesome.  It always nice to find out about happy-ace-endings

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25centpumpkin

Married for 9 years, together for 11, divorced for about a year (paperwork was just finalized in January).  My a/demi-sexuality in contrast to his hypersexuality was the primary issue, although there were substance/psychological issues on his side as well and emotional intimacy issues on mine.  He pushed me to recognize my asexuality and initially said he was willing to stay together and find a way to compromise, but ended up leaving just before we began couples counseling (which we tried anyway, but it was too late to make a difference).   Still trying to figure out what I want next - I have a good therapist who's helping me work through a lot of these issues.  I had always been curious about dating women (like many on these boards, I was a late bloomer and only dated/slept with a few men before meeting my ex), and thought maybe I was more bi or lesbian than asexual.  However, after a year of exclusively dating women (although with very little physical contact), I've realized that I'm actually pretty happy alone and don't really miss the physical or emotional intimacy as much as I expected to.  Like many others on this thread, I do often wish I still had someone to consistently spend time with/cuddle with/travel with, but I have an active social and family life (and a job I love) and enjoy my current balance of alone time and social life too much to find a roommate or serious relationship very appealing at this point.   If I do want to be in a relationship in the future, I'm feeling like it will be best for me to find someone who's either a/demi-sexual as well - after the circumstances of my divorce, I don't know whether I'd ever believe someone sexual again if/when they told me they were OK with being with someone on the asexual spectrum.  

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Married for almost five years. Divorced since 09.

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On 04/01/2017 at 7:07 PM, Private said:

Yes. I was married for 30 years.  I engaged in sex mainly to please my husband but later I totally lost interest in it.   My husband would nag and I would engage to please him, but after awhile I started to feel used by his desires and inability to understand that I did not find sex appealing.

 

I divorced when I learned he was having an affair. 

 

He now wants to get back together claiming he now realizes that a marriage is about more than sex and he now admits that his own desire has diminshed, but it's too late for me.

 

It was not the fact that he had sex with someone else.  The issue was the breaking of trust due to lies he told, money he spent on the affair partner and the fact that it was obviously a sexual and emotional and financial affair. 

 

If he had asked I might have been open to him having sex with a call girl because that would not have made me feel threatned.  But all the lying and deception destroyed my trust in my husband.

 

Worse, I actually found emails where he was ridiculing me to his affair partner behind my back.  That really killed the deal.  To see his disrespect in black and white.

That sounds pretty horrible. The but being though that it wouldn't have been particularly fair to pass him off to a call girl if he was looking for a sexual/physical connection. A call girl doesn't give you that.

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On 28/02/2017 at 7:05 AM, SusieQ6340 said:

I married twice, first one 13 1/2 years, had 2 kids all grown and moved on now. I knew then that I didn't like sex, but I got married a second time, hated it, only lasted a year, I divorced him and the first one. I miss having someone coming home to me but just for the company. I'm almost 55 and I really don't want to die alone, yes I have a pet but that pet doesn't talk or hold my hand or hug me. That's all I want out of a relationship. 

Why marry a second time? That was a little unfair on the husband wasn't it?

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On 1/2/2017 at 10:52 PM, RMarieM said:

I'm just curious how many people have ever been married and if their marriage ended due to being asexual? I am divorced, but being married helped me realize that I don't care for sex and don't need it to have a fulfilling life. 

Yes. I was married for over ten years. I did love him, but the sex thing, and my need for time spent in solitude, became too much and when he confessed to an affair I was, frankly, relieved to let the marriage end. 

 

On 1/6/2017 at 10:20 AM, prib23 said:

People have the view that sex and love are synonymous or there is some diacotomy there. If I knew for certain that my spouse really loved me even if we didn't have sex or rarely engaged, it wouldn't bother me. My ego is not connected to my sexual prowess. I thought love transcended sex. But most don't share this view. I often wonder if we are the ones who are normal and society is hypersexualized ? Perhaps violence too is romanticized. The fusion between sex and violence seems to be increasing as well. Or am I reading into this something that isn't there ?  An asexual woman is not quote "broken" in my opinion. She is as worthy of love and affection and companionship as a sexual woman.

  Yes. To every word of this, yes (with an inclusion of all other genders as being  worthy of love and affection and companionship, if they are so inclined :) ).

 

On 1/8/2017 at 4:30 PM, Peterson515 said:

I came close in my younger years with my high school sweetheart, but we promised her mother that we would wait until she graduated from college, but we broke up her junior year of college because we drifted too far apart. It wouldn't have worked though. I knew that something was metaphysically "up" with me, and so did she, and this was before I had any idea of what asexuality even was, but it just wouldn't have worked out. I think that it would be amazing to try out a nonsexual marriage, but I would have to be HIGHLY compatible with the other person. 

I think that for those of us who are asexual, yet leaning towards the romantic spectrum of secondary traits, a non-sexual marriage is kind of the "Holy Grail" occupying the top spot on the companionship wish list :)

 

@daveb said "  I guess a lot of people want a lot of those things.  Asexuals just want them without the sex"

 

Yep.

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I'mjustsoconfused

I'd like to add something, maybe as a positive note. I'm currently married (2 yrs) to someone who's sexual, and honestly, it does work. Partially because I'm not sex-adverse, and partially because we learned very fast in our relationship that we had to be completely open about how we're feeling, or it wouldn't work (ie not being intimate when both parties aren't interested). I'm really grateful that we've managed an arrangement that gives me monogamous cuddling (I am awful at sharing people) and makes him happy as well. I hope it doesn't sound like bragging, I guess I just wanted to let people know that it's possible. Not necessarily easy or common but possible. 

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On 3/1/2017 at 3:07 AM, Lugelady said:

I was in a 21 year lesbian relationship that ended last year.  It was heartbreaking for me, because we had a perfect family and life (in my eyes).  We have 4 teenagers that are amazing, but it was like we were just friends raising our kids.  I know it was the lack of intimacy that broke us apart.  I was fine with it, but my wife realized she needed more and didn't want to cheat on me.  The hardest part was knowing how well I got along with my ex, and how we never had fights or arguments, so separating was devastating.  This past year has been extremely difficult to get through, but finding this site, and realizing I'm not weird or crazy for not needing sex has helped me heal.  

Im so sorry about your situation.

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QueenOfTheRats

nope, I never go married and nobody ever loved me.

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On 8/1/2017 at 11:37 PM, daveb said:

It's been a long time since I have even been the third wheel! Most of the time I haven't had anyone to do things with so I'm the only wheel. Like Peterson I have tried doing some things solo, but there are some things it's just not so fun doing by myself, so I end up not doing some things I would like to do. A "partner in crime" would be good. :)

I do miss the part of being in a relationship where you do things together, travel, hikes, other events. And I really enjoyed the brief taste of traveling with a great travel partner this past Summer, where I did more things than I probably would have if I were on my own. Traveling alone has it's advantages, but I've done enough of that. it's so nice to have someone to lean on, to share things with, and not have to feel so alone in a strange (or not so strange) place.

I also miss the more "domestic" things like hanging out at home with a partner, cooking meals, watching tv/movies, playing board games, etc.

Or having someone to celebrate birthdays, holidays and other special occasions with, or share some of the little things with (like some simple thought or observation of the day that you know they will enjoy or be interested in, or having someone to be silly with. :)

 

I guess a lot of people want a lot of those things. :) Asexuals just want them without the sex. :P

I agree 100% with you. Most of my life i had been in relationships, now im alone and i feel very very lost. I hate to do things alone so i spend my life in the computer or sleeping. Im sure that when i will be next to death i will want the time of life that im loosing now, but i cant do better. I tried to do things alone but the pain is deep.

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On 3/3/2017 at 0:28 AM, CrochetFool said:

Married a guy I met here on AVEN--so far, so good. :)

 

 

great! congrats! So men exist!, i thought they didnt

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On 28/2/2017 at 4:05 AM, SusieQ6340 said:

I married twice, first one 13 1/2 years, had 2 kids all grown and moved on now. I knew then that I didn't like sex, but I got married a second time, hated it, only lasted a year, I divorced him and the first one. I miss having someone coming home to me but just for the company. I'm almost 55 and I really don't want to die alone, yes I have a pet but that pet doesn't talk or hold my hand or hug me. That's all I want out of a relationship. 

Im in the same situation as you. Im 48 and i dont want to die without a hug again but.... to find an asexual or demi men is very difficult mostly at our are. Good luck

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  • 2 weeks later...
sunnytimes36

I haven't been married but I was with a guy for 10 years, he was not asexual. I like everything about being in a relationship, just not the sex part. I like kissing, cuddling etc, but want to give sex a miss. I do miss being with someone, but the next guy I'm with, I want him to understand my situation, so if he was like me that would be perfect. 😁

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've been married for 5 years now. I hadn't heard about asexuality when I married, but I knew I didn't "like" sex. I tried to caution my boyfriend at the time that I might not want to have sex that often and he said that it didn't matter. He wanted to marry me anyway. (Retrospectively I don't think he really got what I meant. Maybe he just thought it was a matter of bettering our technique as opposed to me just not feeling sexual attraction and arousal.)

 

Fast forward a couple of years and I stumble across the subject of asexuality on the internet and kind of went: "Huh, that's familiar". I told my husband that I was asexual and he went "ok", still not really realizing what this entailed, which I thought he did. 

 

A year later we were trying for a baby (because I really do want children) and my asexuality came up again when he started talking about spicing up our sexlife to help me get aroused. This time I explained what asexuality entailed and he went "what? So you don't find me sexually attractive?!!???" and I was like, "no. I've never been sexually attracted to anyone". He again said that it didn't matter. 

 

We have a 9 month old kid now and I just recently figured out I'm aromantic too. I still haven't told my husband this as I really love my family (platonically), and I don't want to lose any of them.

 

I guess we'll see how it goes. As long as none of us are unhappy there's no reason to change anything, and I do my best to make sure my husband knows I appreciate him. 

 

I'm not repulsed by sex as such, I'd just rather not have it at all as I don't see it as anything but a chore. Unless it's about making a child. At which point there's a purpose to it for me.

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I'm a currently-married demisexual. My husband of 9.5 years is probably also demisexual. We didn't know when we got married. We have a happy relationship with three daughters. I think all relationships work best when orientations are the same. It's as absurd to say a gay-straight mixed relationship can work as it is an asexual-sexual one. I don't know if I could emotionally handle being married to a sexual, even though I do enjoy sex. 

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Pretty_mama2
On 1/3/2017 at 7:19 PM, biancaboricua13 said:

My marriage ended in part to my asexuality. 

I'm afraid this is why mine is crumbling.. we are just completely opposite on the issue and I don't find its ever going to be resolved

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IvoryStardust

Divorced twice, currently engaged.  First two fell apart partly because of my asexuality, but I'm lucky with my current fiance. He's sexual but he understands that I'm not and is ok with it. 

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