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Izy

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Izy

Hello everyone. First of all let me introduce myself, my name is Izy. I'm a 21 year old pansexual woman. I've been in a relationship with an asexual woman for the last two years, and she's perfect in every way, except her complete and utter lack of passion. I forget the term so please forgive me, but she also has no interest in any other types of intimacy; making out, caressing each other, holding hands, etc. This was not the way it was in the beginning of our relationship. 

 

When I first met her (online) she identified as pansexual as well. In the past she has had many sexual partners and she went out of her way to please them sexually, men and women, although she was never interested in them returning the favor. When we first met in person after being together long distance for a while, we had a night full of passion. We made love so loud the man in the hotel room next door came over and tried to join in.

 

Soon after I moved to her city so we would no longer be long distance, because we could not stand to be apart from each other. For the first few weeks we had many spectacular nights. We tried all kinds of new things, for both of us. But slowly she started showing less interest in sex. This was fine with me because honestly I've always considered myself as having a low sex drive. Once every month is all I really need. But then she became completely closed off to the idea of sex. In fact she even shows sign of repulsion towards me when I bring it up. 

 

Recently she came to terms with herself and came out as asexual, and told me that she only uses sex as a way to keep partners interested when they seem to have nothing else between them. She told me she no longer has to have sex with me because we have so much more between us and she no longer saw a need for it. I told her I was fine with slowing it down and that I respect her and her sexual identity, after all she is the one who helped me come to terms with my own. And even though I don't entirely understand it, I do respect her. 

 

Ive had plenty conversations with her about compromising and asking for a little "assistance" maybe once a month or once every other month even, if that was too frequent for her. She seems to agree to it during the conversation but then when it comes time for it to happen, she refuses. I have not nor will I ever force her to do anything she does not want to, but I wish that she would see it from my point of view. 

 

At first I was afraid it might have been me personally, since we had so much passion before and she had told me so much about her past partners, but I've since opened up my mind to her point of view. I just don't know what to do. 

 

Should I just keep talking to her about it? Try to schedule certain days on certain dates? Consider an open relationship?

 

I just feel like I'm going in circles. It's been 5 months since we last had any sexual interaction, and nearly 6 months before that. When I bring it up to her she sighs in dissatisfaction, she makes me feel like her pleasing me is nothing but a household chore she puts off until the last minute. And combine that with her always pushing me away when I try to cuddle and rolling her eyes when I try to start up a make out session, or sometimes even flirt with her. However these things do happen occasionally when they are on her terms. I'm losing my confidence, I'm feeling very sexually frustrated. I'm depressed. 

 

Leaving her is not an option. Our lack of sex is very discouraging at times but it has not made me fall out of love with her. And even if it had, she is my rock. If I left I would lose everything, emotionally, financially, physically. This woman is woven into my entire life, and I love her being there.

 

A little more more background on her: 20 year old asexual female. She does have a history of sexual abuse when she was 4 years old, and grew up in a home of constant emotional and verbal abuse and now suffers ptsd from her family.

 

Please help me save my relationship. I don't want things to go back to the way they were at first, I just want us to both be okay and satisfied in our relationship. What other methods can I take? I know there have to be other couples like us that have found a compromise without giving up or going behind each other's backs. 

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FaesariPrincess

Honestly therapy sounds like it'd be the best potential solution to this. She likely has some kind of mental block due to the trauma and might be uneasy with acts of affection, because of the family abuse. Therapy on both the individual level, and as a couple might help this situation.

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winchester.kaz2y5

I have never been in a position like this before but I will try my best to provide guidance. It never hurts to do some couples therapy if she's open to the idea, it could really help break down the barrier of communication issues. I also think that if she was comfortable coming out to you as asexual it means she wants you to see the realest her, maybe she's just feeling strange about coming out and maybe she even feels like she's disappointing you which can cause her to be distant. It sounds to me like you guys have a really strong relationship built on love and trust, sex can just be an occasional thing when you're both comfortable. I'm very glad you understand your girlfriend so well and don't want to make her do anything she's not comfortable with. Keep being supportive and you two can pull through this.

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