monkey Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 it's hard to even know where to start with something like this, but i'll try. i'm in my late 20s, female, and coming to terms with essentially living a lie for the past 10 or so years. i've pretty much always known i was asexual. i hit puberty before my classmates even after skipping a grade, yet my interest in sex and the trappings of my gender was completely nonexistent. i wore no makeup, preferred short, no-maintenance hairstyles (a BIG no-no in the big-hair paradise that was new jersey), and favored men's shirts and pants over the too-tight women's clothes that made me feel like a piece of meat. needless to say, this did not help me much in high school. i was an outcast even among the other outcasts, and it hurt. i did want companionship, preferably male. (my dislike for the typical female gender role has meant i've never really had female friends, and if i was going to "live a lie," why not choose the one that was easiest?) eventually, i figured that my lack of interest in sex and sexuality would go away when i found the right person, and i started dating. only now, after being engaged twice and having sex with a handful of people, have i realized that i just don't have any interest in sex. there was only one person with whom it didn't make me feel nauseous and disgusted, and even then, i wasn't really interested. now comes the hard part. just because i'm not interested in sex, doesn't mean that i don't want companionship. by that, i mean something more than friendship. i have plenty of male friends, but all are either straight or bi, and it would be horribly unfair to ask them to hold me or sleep in the same bed. most of them have pursued me at some point, and despite knowing the truth, they just wouldn't be able to handle it. besides, i'm usually the first thing to go when they start dating anyway. women generally don't like it when their boyfriends have close female friends, and having been cheated on by one of the people i was engaged to, i understand why. i've always thought the ideal arrangement for me would be to have a gay best friend and spend the rest of my life with him in an open, non-sexual relationship. we'd have companionship and that veneer of acceptability in the eyes of those who care about such things, without all the stuff i don't want. i just don't see that happening or being a good idea, though. no matter how much i try to shake it, i feel doomed to either being alone for the rest of my life, or living a lie. being alone does not bother me, but i'd like it to be more of a choice than something forced upon me by circumstance. Link to post Share on other sites
Jayann Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 just because i'm not interested in sex, doesn't mean that i don't want companionship. by that, i mean something more than friendship. Sounds like you and I are singing the same tune, sister. I'll admit, there are times when I feel like there is no hope for some happy medium between being "just friends" and being in a romantic relationship. But I don't feel that way all the time, especially now that I realize there are other people out there like me. Like us. Anyway, welcome to the board. :D We're glad to have you with us! Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted September 29, 2003 Author Share Posted September 29, 2003 Thanks for responding. It is comforting to know I'm not the only one out there. :D Link to post Share on other sites
Gorax Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 I love your avatar hehe. Your description of high school sounds like me in many ways. Except the sex and relationships part :P Welcome to AVEN! Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted September 29, 2003 Author Share Posted September 29, 2003 Thanks for the warm welcome. Looking back, I really wish I could say the sex part didn't happen, and that I didn't spend 10 years trying to convince myself that I liked it. I feel like the gay guy who doesn't come out of the closet until after he's married for 20 years and has three kids. But I guess it was a learning experience. :? Link to post Share on other sites
marleyslimit Posted September 30, 2003 Share Posted September 30, 2003 hey! welcome! :P Link to post Share on other sites
wombat Posted September 30, 2003 Share Posted September 30, 2003 just because i'm not interested in sex, doesn't mean that i don't want companionship. by that, i mean something more than friendship. Um...I tink that Julie already hit on this...but ditto. You'll actually find lots of others looking for that "more than friendship" here. It's in the "Meetup Mart" and "Asexual Relationships" section. But, WELCOME! Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted September 30, 2003 Author Share Posted September 30, 2003 i did see those sections of the site. i guess i still feel the need to defend/explain myself, even among kindred spirits. i am asexual, and most people who know that about me actually do grasp that. what they don't understand is that doesn't mean i necessarily want to spend the rest of my life alone. if that's the hand fate deals me, fine. i'd much rather be alone than stuck in unhappy, unfullfilling relationships. but i would like there to be some kind of choice. unfortunately, there really isn't. there aren't very many asexual people out there to begin with, and once common interests, emotional compatibility, and distance are considered (i will never do a long-distance relationship again), that number shrinks to zero. about the closest i've come so far is someone who was sexual, but not sexually attracted to me. we dated for about 4 months, and we were both content with just cuddling. then someone he WAS sexually attracted to came along, and that was the end of that. Link to post Share on other sites
wombat Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 Yep...It figures. I havn't come out yet, so i don't know first hand what your talking about...but i can immagine so. Yeah...I don't know if i could do a long distance relationship...but i could do a long distance friendship. And i think that all relationships should start with friendships. But yeah....For me...it's not really an issue....yet....If i find the lady before i'm done payin off my debts (2 years after grad school) then I'll go find her. I'm one who really likes to go off into the sunset. ADVENTURE and travel! So....get a list of possibliites....go into town....meet them....follow my heart....see where it takes me. But I can imagine the frustration your going through....only advice is to "Hang in there!" Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 welcome, monkey!! hope you make yourself at home here. i know what ya mean about not wanting to be lonely, although im not personally looking for a relationship. preferred short, no-maintenance hairstyles (a BIG no-no in the big-hair paradise that was new jersey), me too, I love short hair. Omg!! I just saw that you're from Maryland!! me too! well im in Baltimore for college. Where in MD? Are you near Baltimore? Kate Link to post Share on other sites
Gorax Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 what they don't understand is that doesn't mean i necessarily want to spend the rest of my life alone Most people on this site feel the same way actually, the not wanting to be alone for the rest of their lives part :) Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted October 3, 2003 Author Share Posted October 3, 2003 VivreEstEsperer: i am, in fact, a baltimoron. (i'm not originally from here, though.) Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted October 4, 2003 Share Posted October 4, 2003 Is that what you call someone from Baltimore? Hmm..I guess it makes sense. can't think of anything better. yeah...so wow, you're in Baltimore. that is so cool. Have you ever been to the Goucher campus? I havent done much in the actual city of Baltimore...but the inner harbor is nice..and ive been to Johns Hopkins and Loyola for some stuff. Where are you originally from, monkey? I'm not from here either, im from Maine. I guess you could say then that we're both exiles from our homeplaces... for the time being anyway... what do you think of Baltimore, do you like it? a bit too hot for me the first couple weeks, but this 50 degree weather is right up my alley...Im the only person on campus left wearing t-shirt and shorts :) Kate Link to post Share on other sites
DusksRequiem Posted October 4, 2003 Share Posted October 4, 2003 Heh. You sound awesome. New Jersey Public Schools do indeed blow..which is why I attend a private school. Most of the people there just keep to themselves. Anyway. Welcome to AVEN :) Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted October 4, 2003 Author Share Posted October 4, 2003 I'm originally from NJ. I moved to the DC area after college and hated it, but I really liked Baltimore, so here I am. I've driven through the Goucher campus, but that's about it. I'm very familiar with JHU, though; I work there and am pursuing a master's degree through one of their part-time programs. Is that what you call someone from Baltimore? Hmm..I guess it makes sense. can't think of anything better. yeah...so wow, you're in Baltimore. that is so cool. Have you ever been to the Goucher campus? I havent done much in the actual city of Baltimore...but the inner harbor is nice..and ive been to Johns Hopkins and Loyola for some stuff. Where are you originally from, monkey? I'm not from here either, im from Maine. I guess you could say then that we're both exiles from our homeplaces... for the time being anyway... what do you think of Baltimore, do you like it? a bit too hot for me the first couple weeks, but this 50 degree weather is right up my alley...Im the only person on campus left wearing t-shirt and shorts :) Kate Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted October 4, 2003 Author Share Posted October 4, 2003 My experience with NJ schools is that they're all equally evil in different ways. The public schools in my town were terrible. They were very much one-size-fits-none; they did all right by the average students who didn't make waves, but did absolutely nothing for the gifted or those with special needs. And since schools in NJ are run on the municipal instead of county level, there's far more inequity between school districts and far less choice than there is in other states. Private schools in NJ have their own set of problems. It's a very wealthy state compared to many others, and as a result, money definitely talks much more. Even in the same school, wealthier students get preferential treatment and a better education than those born into middle-class or poorer families, even though the latter often make so many sacrifices to give their children a better future. Heh. You sound awesome. New Jersey Public Schools do indeed blow..which is why I attend a private school. Most of the people there just keep to themselves. Anyway. Welcome to AVEN :) Link to post Share on other sites
Zorui Posted October 5, 2003 Share Posted October 5, 2003 All public skools are evil. Misspelling intentional. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted October 6, 2003 Author Share Posted October 6, 2003 something posted in my journal. i'm amazed at the positive responses i've received from friends. i'm learning to be careful what i wish for. at one point this weekend, mere hours after bemoaning my recent lack of male attention to a friend, male attention came my way. really, that was neither here nor there, but it got me thinking about my place in the world. i'm not seeing a lot of people like me out there. i like looking at and even flirting with the opposite sex. i like falling asleep with my arms around someone. i'm just not into the sex part. and awareness and long-overdue acceptance of that fact put me at a bit of a crossroads right now. for some reason, the fall always hits me hard. people undergo big paradigm shifts -- back to school, or out of school and into work. almost every relationship that ever really mattered to me ended in the fall. the only friend i ever felt truly understood me and the things i've gone through died in the fall. the heat i thrive on is no longer something to be taken for granted, and waking up to a cold bed in what has always been a season of loss for me is more than i can handle. i could really stand to wake up to someone right now. but just try finding a cuddle buddy who is really okay with just cuddling. with any of my close platonic friends, that would cross a very uncomfortable line, and anyone else just can't be trusted. i've tried before...made my intentions clear and managed expectations...only to have to deal with false moves or have vivid descriptions of imagined scenarios whispered to me in the middle of the night. really, for most people it's just more honest to have sex. not for me. of the people i've slept with, four were people i was dating, and one was an extremely attractive friend i kind of experimented with. (basically, i knew that if i didn't enjoy it with him, i knew there was something "different" about me.) the rest were all people who ended up with me at times like these...at the end of a long dry spell, as i was recovering from a messy breakup, or other times when i was willing to give into something i didn't really enjoy as a trade-off for waking up in someone's arms. i'm not a big fan of compromising myself, and i like using people even less. but for most of my "heterosexual" life, that's exactly what i have done. and so this weekend was strange...a kind of turning point. i made myself clear, stood my ground even though appearances might have suggested otherwise. i would have wanted to stand my ground even in the old days, but still, i guess it was a step forward. Link to post Share on other sites
AVENguy Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 Welcome! I can definitely relate to your story, as can many people here. Don't just accept the idea that what you want isn't out there. 3 years ago there was no asexual community online, now we're just few and far between. 30 years ago the sexual status quo told gay men and lesbians that they were freaks who needed to be cured, if that same status quo tells us that we can't have intimacy without sex then we shouldn't just accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 Hear! Hear! AVENguy. You just have to hang in there, what you want isn't an utter fantasy (unless you want Barbra Streisand to show up at your door with a lottery cheque, or George Bush to apologise for the war, that ain't going to happen). However what you want, and I daresay many people here want the same thing, isn't as common as what's out there or considered 'acceptable' or 'normal' so you're going to have to look a bit harder and be less willing to compromise your principles for your long term goals. And just think how amazing your relationship will be when you finally get what you've been searching for. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted October 8, 2003 Author Share Posted October 8, 2003 i'm willing to consider the possibility that life has something other than single-hood in store for me, but it sure as h*** doesn't seem that way. Link to post Share on other sites
wombat Posted October 9, 2003 Share Posted October 9, 2003 Yes...to what aven guy said....Yes. I hope your right....I only wish the term "asexual" was alot more known. I wonder how large or small of a group we are. The problem is that the homosexual group is pretty large...and I don't think were going to be anywhere near their numbers. But, here's to hoping.... Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted October 10, 2003 Author Share Posted October 10, 2003 if anything, i would guess that there are more asexuals than homosexuals out there. homosexuals weren't always such a visible group. they got that way by making themselves known instead of trying to cover it up. asexuality is a lot easier for many people to sweep under the rug. it is marked by absence rather than presence of desire, and in some ways even sanctioned by society. religion in particular offers so many places for asexuals to hide, from the vows of celibacy/chastity that are seen in many religions to the evangelical christian view of sex as a utilitarian act from which no carnal pleasure should derive. i suspect that instead of puclicly declaring their lack of sexuality, many people just hide behind these masks. a lot of the people i associate with are involved in the goth/industrial scene, where sexuality is freely embraced and experimentation is not only condoned but promoted. when i wrote what i did in a public forum (my journal), i expected to get a negative reaction from people -- skepticism, ridicule, and so on. imagine my surprise when three people i knew not only gave their support but voiced sentiments very similar to mine. at least one of these people is someone i would never suspect of being asexual based on her behavior, but i suspect that a lot of the way she acts is denial, and my coming out may have contributed to an awakening for her. people who come out can really have a positive impact in not only shaping others' views of sexuality, but serving as silent encouragement for those who are questioning. i know the positive effect that growing up next door to a middle-aged gay couple had on my life. just through their mundane, average suburban daily existence, they taught me not to stereotype and overgeneralize people...something i may not have learned through the gay and lesbian people i met after them. i am living proof that not all asexuals are repressed slaves to religious morality, scarred by childhood sex abuse, or any of the other things people say we are. hopefully, someone will take inspiration from that... Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 people coming out, and people positively recognizing people coming out, is so important, yeah I agree. the idea of being alone scares me somewhat too but I try not to think about it. Really, I like being alone and always have, so I don't know why I'm so scared, ya know? I think it's cus society doesn't give us any models for successful happy aloneness. everything must be paired off. Kate Link to post Share on other sites
wombat Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Yeah....I don't like the idea of being alone. But aven guy had a good point in a post. What is the difference between sexual companionship and asexual companionship? SEX! and what is a companionship without sex...friendship. Friendship is the basis of all marriages. I'm just looking for a VERY good friend....a best friend of the opposite sex. I'm also one for physical contact, but i know that some asexuals don't like physical contact. So...i guess i'm just looking for friendship. And as much as i like to belive that there are more asexuals out there....I don't think there are. But you do have a good point about people comming out. I just did. But that's how i base my numbers. Let's just hope that AVEN grow BIG TIME in the future! Here's to that day! Link to post Share on other sites
dabishop Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Vivre: No Fear. Models for a successful solo life are out there. Check out Alain de Botton, "The Consolations of Philosophy." Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 THAT is a fantastic book, bishop. As is How Proust Can Change Your Life, by the same author. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
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