Aces, does being a virgin make you feel inadequate?

[Udon23]

4 minutes ago, twilightstarr said:

I get kind of uncomfortable with it, but not because I feel inadequate. More like I don't like it when people think it makes me more attractive just because I'm a "virgin", partly because it repulses me a little, partly because I'm against the Virgin-Slut Binary. 

I totally get that, some guys when they realized that I am a virgin started like their own campaigh of "I will be the one to show you heaven" I will be your first man -______-

So now I don't like people to know, they get weird

[Homer]

16 minutes ago, Hadley167 said:

When you hit 25+, people start to look at you like you're some kind of defective degenerate.

Yeah, I've had this thrown at me even by people I am close to. You're xx years old and not looking and/or having/wanting sex? Something must be wrong with you.

 

It's okay though, doesn't bother me. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and nowhere does it say that I have to agree. Besides that, I'd rather know what my folks think of me, even if it's unpleasant. (Which it isn't in this case because meh). Well, you get it.

[dayagime]

Even before knowing about asexuality, sex never seemed to be something important to me so i didn't really have an opinion or feeling about being a virgin.

[DayDreamer~]

Doesn't bother me at all... I plan to die a virgin anyway XD I don't get what the big deal is quite frankly- never have, never will.

 

There are more important things I would regret if I never did like traveling to Ireland, Japan, the Philippines... I want to go skydiving, parasailing, hiking, see the bioluminescent bay and all that good stuff.

To hell what anyone decides to say about me if they think it's strange, haha.

[Falcom92]

I'm not a virgin anymore, but when I was I didn't think it was a big deal, nor did I really care what others thought about my still having my "v-card" into my mid-20s. It just wasn't important to me. Right now, even, the fact that I'm not one is pretty meaningless to me...

[Nebulous]

Hell no. For me, the feelings of inadequacy would stem from other peoples' reactions to knowing I'm a virgin, which would oftentimes involve teasing or ridicule, which in turn would suggest I'm inferior as a person. But I really don't give a hoot about other peoples' opinions of me, especially if they're going to be based off something like virginity.

[R_1]

I like being a virgin. Ain't anyone gonna take my v-card away. No matter how hot one is, that person ain't gonna take my v-card away.

[Jeena]

What is a 'virgin' and why are so many people repulsed by them?

 

Spoiler

I'm kinda joking, kinda not. I know what a virgin is, but I don't get why people are repulsed by them. I am a virgin, and I find that in most situations no one brings up the subject of sex. If they do, I just make it awkward for them so they ignore it and don't talk about it. They might feel bad for me or whatever, but I don't care. I don't need sex, so they can shove it up their ass if they think I do.

 

[Anime Pancake]

I think asexuals wouldn't feel like being a virgin is a bad thing since we generally don't care about sex.

 

The thought of sex disgusts me so I like being a virgin.

[Sockstealingnome]

No, I've never felt bad about being a virgin but maybe that's because the negative connotation comes from it being implied that only unattractive people are virgins. To be frank, I know I could find someone to have sex with if I really wanted to. I am not sex repulsed and fall somewhere on the gray ace scale so maybe I will want to have sex someday. I don't know but it's going to be more awkward to lose my V-card the older I get so sometimes I feel like I should just do it already and get it over with. But I haven't. I don't feel inclined to change that yet. I don't think I would feel comfortable enough to sleep with someone I wasn't in a relationship with and being aromantic, I don't ever want to do that. So that's got me in this catch-22.

[Sockstealingnome]

Also ditto what somebody else said about people pursuing more aggressively when they find out you are a virgin. I just never bring it up and everyone assumes that I've had sex at some point.

[UndeadWeapon]

I voted no, even though I'm not a virgin. It wasn't something I ever really cared about and I wouldn't have cared if I'd still been one when I was much older (I'm 33 now, lost it when I was 32). All I actually cared about was, if I ever did lose it, that it would be with someone who I had mutual respect for and if I felt safe. And so it was  

[DoomDodo]

No, but I don't feel comfortable sharing that piece of information. I always have this irrational fear that telling someone gives them an edge over me (like they'll somehow use it against me or at least they'll be able to get under my skin a lot more easily). Saying this probably gives me an idea that there is a latent social shame that I have, but I just don't perceive it like that I guess.

I also hate telling people that because I get paranoid that they'll either think I'm a prude, a "goodie two-shoes", or they'll see me as a sexual temptation, or at least their mind will go to weird places, which repulses me more than the actual act of sex. I can't stand the thought of other people thinking of me in that context!

[Guest]

Nah, there are plenty of things I feel inadequate about, but being a virgin isn't one of them.

[Scott1989]

4 hours ago, Joe Parrish said:

For men and women, losing the V-card is one of life's many milestones.  It's considered up there with getting your driver's license, graduating high school, or buying your first house.  It's just one of those normal achievements in life.

Out of the 4 listed achievements there, I've technically only done 1 (I say technically since you don't really graduate from High School here in Scotland, and I think the same applies to the rest of the UK, but I did leave with Highers which helped me get into College and Uni).

 

Anyway, back on point. I'm fairly at peace with being a virgin. As a close friend of mine once said, at least I'm a virgin and don't care whether I am or not, and not some loser who is a virgin and is desperate to lose it but can't.

 

It probably did bother me a little before I discovered asexuality, and identified as such. Probably because my friend wanted to help me get laid,thinking I was sexual, and help in a non forceful way but like go to night clubs and try and dance with girls. To give him his credit, he also was the one who discovered Asexuality for me and asked if it was possible I was one. When I said yes, he instantly stopped trying to help and used night clubs as a way to just go, dance, get drunk and have fun.

 

Further research by myself into Asexuality made me embrace it and not be bothered about my virginity.

 

2 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

Sadly that hasn't really been my experience with people. When you hit 25+, people start to look at you like you're some kind of defective degenerate.

I seemed to experience that within Uni, when I was around 18-20 at the time. After Uni nobody seems to care about it. 

 

32 minutes ago, Sockstealingnome said:

Also ditto what somebody else said about people pursuing more aggressively when they find out you are a virgin. I just never bring it up and everyone assumes that I've had sex at some point.

And that is maybe why I survived post Uni life easier. Some uni friends only found out due to a scene very similar to about the 1:41 mark of the below clip (from the 40 Year Old Virgin movie), but instead of lying, knew I was caught out and just admitted the truth. That led to attempts to hook me up with other women and even prostitutes, all of which I foiled as I felt they put too much pressure on me to even attempt.

Spoiler

 

 

Outside of Uni, nobody has ever asked about it, and I don't volunteer that info. Closest I've heard from somebody, is my mother (who doesn't know I'm ace)saying I'm just trying to enjoy myself too much for a relationship

 

[Tainted]

I treasured my virginity, I had no interest in losing it, then the girl I was dating emotionally blackmailed me into it and something in me just gave up, may as well try to find this 'pleasure' people talk about. Pfft, fast forward twelve years and I realise I'm Ace, and now I'll take LOSING my virginity to the grave. I'd go back and take it back in an instant, I wish I could meet pre-sex me and say, dude, nothing wrong with not feeling it, you are ACE!

 

But I can't, I envy virgins, I feel like I betrayed myself, I knew it wasn't for me, but...media...

 

Um, not quite what you asked but I thought I'd throw in my two cents anyways...

[Joe the Stoic]

Interesting.  People who don't feel inadequate still feel not entirely at peace with it.

 

Always a pleasure to see insights from my fellow asexuals.

[gisiebob]

I don't care I guess? on a personal level it kinda never enters my mind other than as hints of anxiety when dreaming up them fairytail romances... but other people caring about it...I suppose makes me not caringing about it feel inadequate, not verginity itself?

 

[Peachyy]

I used to feel inadequate when i was younger because I had different aspirations. I'm not a virgin anymore and I'm in a sexual relationship but it stopped being an aspiration for me when I left teen-hood. My aims of using sex to impress my friends ended before I actually had gone through with it because I decided that using other people as achievements is unhealthy and it doesn't make any sense. I've never felt any different about myself and people have never been able to tell---a younger me would have thought that there would be an upgrade with new armor, that I'd be treated differently, but I always knew that this wasn't true. 

 

I'm embarrassed by how little I understand things like taxes or politics.  

[coyote55]

7 hours ago, Quasar.w said:

Me: Let's say.. 50. Or 60! Would I be the ruler of the world then? I mean that'd be awesome!

Everyone ^laughing awkwardly not being sure if that was a joke or not^

 

Yep that's me...

Well... I rule my world, even if it is pretty small........

[SorryNotSorry]

Meh... when people are nosy enough to press me about it---or worse, feel sorry for me about it (I cannot stand being pitied)---I just tell them, well, snorting cocaine is supposed to feel great, too, but that doesn't make me want to run right out and do a line.

 

Because at the end of the day, having sex is about one thing or the other: making babies or getting that endorphin rush.

[Laplace]

While curiosity kind of makes me think about it once in a while (I don't think I'm repulsed, just apathetic), when I learned about asexuality earlier this year, I didn't (and haven't) looked back. I'm usually a pretty reserved person, but this whole site has been a revelation - for once in my life, I could sincerely say I was overjoyed.  I didn't care about people making fun of my virginity before, but now I just laugh derisively at anyone who puts me down because I've never had sex. An insult is supposed to make me feel bad, not invigorate me!  Knowing who I am gives me such a surge of power. And, helping people here however I can makes me feel like I'm a much better person than I thought I was.

[Skycaptain]

Do I give a f***? 

 

No. 

 

I can't help but wonder though,  what sort of social circle do people have where what they do in bed is even talked about. Whether at school, university, work,  pub,  club,  anywhere, I have never experienced people talking about are they virgins, or their sex lives full stop 

[Hermit Advocate]

No. I'm comfortable as I am and everyone else can stop thinking about my sex life as it obviously doesn't involve them. 

[AspieAngel]

When I was a virgin I never really thought about it. As with everything in my life I have never cared what others think of me. Their opinion has no relevance on my life. I am me. Take it or leave it. 

[fuzzipueo]

4 hours ago, Sleighcaptain said:

Do I give a f***? 

 

No. 

 

I can't help but wonder though,  what sort of social circle do people have where what they do in bed is even talked about. Whether at school, university, work,  pub,  club,  anywhere, I have never experienced people talking about are they virgins, or their sex lives full stop 

Neither have I. Before coming to AVEN, I never discussed this stuff with anyone.

 

I do think it's a generational phenomenon to talk so openly.

[EndlessEra]

It doesn't bother me at all. As it is, "virginity" is a social construct put in place to shame and commodify people. (Which is my response whenever random people think it's appropriate to ask me that question). There is no shame in being one, or not being one 

[Tanzanite]

Nah, not at all. I'm inadequate in other ways, but honestly, I could care less about the virginity thing. I've been disappointed by hype of other milestones before (homecoming dance, the middle school and high school graduations, ...middle school and high school in general, etc.) and I was actually optimistic for all of those times, so I've pretty much stopped believing people at this point. I've got other things on my mind-things that actually matter to me in the first place. Things I actually find fun and interesting.

[Galactic Turtle]

No. Having sex was never encouraged in my family when I was growing up. Dressing "sexily" was downright banned. My dad kept my sister from leaving the house so many times depending on what she was wearing. I wasn't even allowed to hangout with boys after school. My innermost group of friends in school never talked about sex either. In high school when people said they'd had sex, I assumed they were lying in an attempt to look cool or mature. Even when people around me started dating I just assumed they weren't having sex unless they told me otherwise (which is apparently the opposite assumption of everyone else). That's a big reason why when I was contemplating reciprocating one person's interest in me, I was caught off guard when I found out he was already wanting to have sex with me and that this early interest in sex was considered the norm. Sex just always seemed like something people did later at some unidentifiable point in the future. I only assumed this because since I'd never had the urge to have sex or even pleasure myself, it was the same for everyone around me. Whoops.

[PhantomAvenger]

On 12/20/2016 at 0:56 PM, Hadley167 said:

Well, I hate to be on the short side, but yes, I do feel inadequate. Is it right? No. Am I trying to not feel that way? Yes. Do I have much hope of not feeling inadequate? No.

 

Sorry  

 

I guess it's nice to see so many people here saying that it's not an issue. Sadly that hasn't really been my experience with people. When you hit 25+, people start to look at you like you're some kind of defective degenerate. Nevertheless, heartening to hear people say it's no big deal.

I'm right here with you and some days I sit here going "why don't I just say screw it and get it over with?" because the stigma people like to attach to being a virgin. I know shouldn't bother me as much as it does but the second someone gets wind of it it turns into twenty questions about why and people thinking there's something wrong with me and I have enough problems asking myself that.