Caring

[ChillaKilla]

What do you all prefer? Feel free to elaborate below.

 

I like to be the caring one, personally. It's a really good feeling when someone I care about relies on me and comes to me for emotional and physical support. I've always dealt with feelings of being unwanted, so it's logical that I enjoy people genuinely needing my presence.

 

 

[RK800]

Both are important to me. However I tend to be better at doing the caring than receiving the caring because due to PTSD I have a difficult time interpreting affection, despite this I do very much enjoy both.

[dissolved]

I'm the carer, not the caree.

[King Al]

I like a nice balance of both, but I do prefer being the carer. I'm not used to being cared for, so I get a little funny when someone *cough* says they are worried about me. I'm a strong, independent woman. I can look after myself. 

[Guest]

I like to be both, though I have trouble being the caree since I'm not the best at expressing at my emotions (romantic android is very accurate for me...most of my friends call me emotionless  ). I end up caring more than being cared for.

[Grumpy Alien]

Both

[EmotionalAndroid]

I've never been in a relationship and haven't had friends (outside of my family) for over 12 years, but I think that any relationship should have caring from both members. Isn't mutual caring what relationships are for?

[borkfork]

Both. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Caring for, I have a very "maternal" instinct for everything but human babies

[fiѕh]

I clicked "both" but being cared for still outweighs a bit. I wonder if anyone's gonna admit to option 1 haha

[m4rble]

16 minutes ago, sam#2 said:

I clicked "both" but being cared for still outweighs a bit. I wonder if anyone's gonna admit to option 1 haha

Honestly I kind of prefer being cared for, but that sounds kind of selfish and I think a relationship needs balance. I was apparently the first one to vote for option 1, haha.

[fiѕh]

 

4 minutes ago, m4rble said:

Honestly I kind of prefer being cared for, but that sounds kind of selfish

Idk I think balance is overrated, you can like being cared for more than your partner and don't have to be selfish because of it. 

 

I'm enjoying your signature rn haha...

[borkfork]

I don't think there's ever going to be a balance per se. There will be times when we need more care than we are capable of giving, and give more than others in our lives can give us. It's when it feels one sided that things become frustrating. 

[Mychemicalqpr]

Both.  Sometimes I need help, but I also want to be able to help other people. I don't know if I'm very good at taking care of other people though, but I want to be. 

[3IA]

It depends on the kind of caring I'm expected to do in a relationship.

 

In my friendships with women, it definitely goes both ways.

 

But I hate having to care about my guy friend's / boyfriends' self-esteem and have it be expected that I am the cure for their self-esteem issues and insecurities. Often in those cases, it feels more like I'm giving and giving to them and getting nothing back because I don't need my self-esteem filled by anyone other than me. I'm talking about more than physical insecurities etc. Any guy that comes across to me as needy and I'm nope-ing out and going on my way. (Some neediness is fine, always, but I do have a limit)

[Alexandrit]

I felt always happy when I could help others, cheer them up and care for them.  I was always the shoulder they could lean on, a bastion of calm but after a few years I reached a turning point. I was filled to the brim with negativity, worries and anxieties not only mine but all the things I took on from my friends.
I wanted to have someone I could unburden my heart to, share my depressing thoughts and anxieties with and just show the weak side of mine.
And now comes the absurd part, I felt like I couldn’t under any circumstances turn to one of my friends I cared so much about.  “What would they think of me? If I’d weep freely in front of them, would they ever come back to me for advice? They’d probably think I am not stable and I couldn’t be much help for them anymore”
I simply couldn’t acknowledge my own weakness and embrace the fact that I needed somebody to take care of me.

These days I try to focus on balancing ‘giving and taking’, however I still face the inner conflict/disunity of wanting to be the unquestionable tower of strength that can shoulder everything or surrender to my enervation and show my weakness and let someone genuinely care.

[Snao Cone]

While in positive relationships it turns out to be both, I don't like making myself vulnerable or reliant upon others so I selected the preference to be the caring one. But that has been used against me in the past, so I try to be even more guarded than I was before. I don't actually want to care for people, at least not be their primary source of it, which is one reason for me to stay single.

[Perissodactyla]

A major dimension of being in a trust relation with another person is how you both negotiate the exchange of caring for one another.

 

Giving and receiving attention and nurturing and protection can easily lead to control and worry, so it's helpful to explore one's motivation for caring for another or receiving their care.

 

I'm basically an ENFP type, so I, like many of you 'nurturers', find great happiness in being empathetic, helpful, encouraging and communicative. I've observed that if my motivation is not 'pure' (self-less), and I'm not prioritizing the freedom and independence of the other person to care for themselves, then I may tend to worry too much about another's welfare and decisions, and perhaps become subtlely judgemental and a bit controlling. 

 

So my trick to discipline my nurturing impulse in relation to another is to repeat to myself from time to time: "I don't care. I don't care.", when in fact, I easily overdo caring. lol Plus also this is necessary because one can never care enough, and this might lead to the stress of dedication, which the other person may not welcome. Or it may lead to the person cared for to behave dependently or become weaker.

 

Another trick to balance being a nurturer is to give energy to pampering oneself or allowing oneself to be nurtured. If one is going to have an identity of caring for others, it helps to not neglect one's own well-being, health and needs (food, sleep, quiet-time, personal space, recharging activities and amusements).

 

There is some degree of self-surrender involved in allowing another person to care for You, and accepting care can fine-tune one's interaction with others to discern how much care one should actual give that is just right for that person. And, of course, you learn from each other over time as you negotiate what's acceptable and what's perhaps too much.

 

 

[borkfork]

I'm opposed to the idea of making one person the huge source of everything in your life. People want their romantic partners to be the source of intimacy, love, care; and what happens when they breakup? Hello, platonic people who were ignored, please help pick up the pieces. Not everyone I know does that, but I've seen enough of it over and over again.

 

edit: see also some overlap with amatonormativity.

[Tja]

I'm so used to never being cared for, that the caring for myself spills over onto others.

[ItWasNiceKnowingYou]

2 hours ago, Tja said:

I'm so used to never being cared for, that the caring for myself spills over onto others.

^THIS except it's usually that i don't care about myself as much as i should because i rather care about others 9 times out of 10

[Tainted]

Ideally both but I think I lean towards being a carer.

[ItWasNiceKnowingYou]

24 minutes ago, Tainted said:

Ideally both but I think I lean towards being a carer.

hmmmm what gives you that idea?

[Tainted]

...maybe cut the 'I think' out of that?

[J. van Deijck]

Not sure anymore. I know I am able to defend my loved ones to death. 

[Kimmie.]

I don't know i like to be there if somone needs me. But in the same time i would love to have one that i could rely on.

[Snao Cone]

8 hours ago, UVB-76 said:

Not sure anymore. I know I am able to defend my loved ones to death. 

I don't think this has much to do with caring. Not on a daily basis at least. I think Chilla's poll is more about the satisfaction we get on a daily basis, whether that comes from making your daily life about caring for someone else's or enjoying others making their daily lives about caring for you.

[fiѕh]

Well, UVB answered the actual question with "not sure"... :|

[WhenSummersGone]

I have a big heart which can be good but gets me hurt a lot, so I probably care more.

[deltaX]

I think both are equally important.  In some relationships I might care more, and in others I might be cared for more, but it needs to be roughly balanced otherwise the relationship can never work out.