Sexual husband gray sexual wife seek advice

[toujours]

28 minutes ago, Ozzy said:

Why is it so difficult for her to have sexual intimacy with me?  

Straightforward answer is it might be physically painful for her. If she's not aroused, i.e. f she does not want to have sex herself and is doing it only to please you, her body isn't lubricated and ready for action and penetration will be painful, even using luv. (But there might be other reasons).

 

31 minutes ago, Ozzy said:

she has an orgasm every time we have sex

How do you know? 

[Telecaster68]

If she's lying or faking, then the onus is on her to explain that too, surely? 

[asfi]

On 2016-12-31 at 7:02 AM, Apostle said:

[ Cuddling, holding hands, kissing are great ways of being close to your partner. ]

 

Not necessarily. You could be sending out the wrong message to the asexual in your partnership. Besides, as you point out, everyone is different. We all have to make decisions, sometimes on a daily basis within the marriage or partnership. It also depends on your past history and as a couple..........what you may have both been through (e.g. infertility problems) and the way that both of you have been brought up (religion/split families/single parents/family mental issues etc). Some or all of these issues can have a great influence on how you and your partner behave and address problems that occur between yourselves. 

Quite honestly, reading through all of the issues that couples write about on these posts I'm not sure if it's worth the effort as all these relationships seems to do is cause anguish. After all, apart from the loneliness that most single people talk about, they almost all seem to have a fulfilled life. If they want company, then find a friend! Simples! 

Communication is so important, even though it can be really, really hard to initiate the conversation ("sweating bullets" doesn't begin to cover it). The danger is "waiting for the perfect moment to bring it up" because seriously, when does that perfect moment ever arise?

[Photodude]

As a sexual who went decades dealing with this, I have a suggestion.  If you can't live without sex, but you can't live without your spouse, and either of you can't live with an open marriage, then don't think about how you're going to get through next month, or even next year.  And that's probably what you're thinking about.  Think about THE NEXT 30-40 YEARS.  Think about the inevitable increasing resentment.  Think about when in desperation you move to another bedroom, or the couch, because you can't stand another night getting blue balled while next to your spouse.  How many years of that can you take?  Think about when all intimacy stops because either your spouse doesn't want it for fear of leading you on, or you just can't take the blue balls any more.  Or maybe the resentment gets to that point.

 

Think about the kids.  Growing up in a loveless affectionless home, and how that will be their "normal".  Kids are NOT oblivious to those things.  I know because I grew up in that environment. And my parents were so good at keeping the secret that I was as surprised as anyone when the divorce was announced.  Affection?  Among married people?  That wasn't my normal.  My normal was two roommates- with kids.  Maybe that's one big reason why I tolerated it.   Staying for the kids doesn't necessarily solve that problem.  And you may be a loving couple now, or you still think you are, but how about 10 years from now?

 

If you decide to stay, you are running a marathon that only ends when one of you dies.  More likely you'll probably drop out of the race, totally exhausted and mentally destroyed, halfway up cardiac hill, when you're in your 50s.

 

For your own sake, please don't start this marathon unless you are quite sure you can finish it.  Marriage is a contract.  Part of that contract, when between one or more sexual people, creates an expectation of sex in exchange for a vow of monogamy.  Very few sexual people entered into that contract with an expectation or vow of celibacy, and if you are here in this thread, you probably aren't one of them.  Your contract was unilaterally broken by your spouse.  For whatever reason, that reason doesn't matter.  If you decide to stick it out, then you need to wrap your arms around what "the rest of your life" really means, and if you really plan on remaining in that contract.

 

I'm one of those guys that ran a miserable race and dropped out halfway up that hill.  I never understood that it just keeps getting worse, no matter how bad it seems.

 

And one more thing... I often read here something like "my sexual partner knows about my asexuality but s/he's good with it".  If anyone is banking on that for support, consider if that partner is as sexual as you?  And I rarely see that said nor disclosing how long they've "been good with it".  Love makes people do stupid things, and I include myself in that, for sure.  I have a suspicion most of these "happy mixed deals" have not gone the 20-40 years you are planning.

[cupid69]

It's quite easy..................you are the one doing the compromise on sex so you have to find her something to compromise on in your marriage. Ask her what she thinks is important to her and then when you have the answer, don't do it.

[MrDane]

A compromise is about finding the best possible solution, which will give everybody the most happiness and the least discomfort. (In the long run) It is like an agreement, that both parties can sign without feeling used or bullied or left behind. 

 

Regarding sex it is about how, how much, how often, under which circumstances. It is always ok to say no, of course. 

 

 

There is no need to find things to bother her about to make her feel how you feel. Your ,as well as hers I guess, object is to make her and you as happy as possible in your relationship, and then decide whether it is still not enough. It is ok to leave if it puts to much stress on any of you. 

 

[asfi]

On 2017-01-25 at 9:23 AM, Apostle said:

It's quite easy..................you are the one doing the compromise on sex so you have to find her something to compromise on in your marriage. Ask her what she thinks is important to her and then when you have the answer, don't do it.

Approaching a relationship as tit-for-tat seems guaranteed to maximise resentment and anger.

 

[cupid69]

1 hour ago, asfi said:

Approaching a relationship as tit-for-tat seems guaranteed to maximise resentment and anger.

 

I've made it work for over 30 years so not necessarily so. We get on much better now that she doesn't have the pressure of sex. I've expanded my horizons and am a much more aware person than before (I've also got a transgender son so I'm well aware of differences in human nature)

[Manager]

On 12/14/2016 at 10:03 AM, Michael in Illinois said:

I cant be celibate. Nor am I willing to destroy my family over sex. Weve spoken about the possibility of me seeing other women occasionally but I dont want to hurt her. I still am very sexually attracted to my gorgeous wife and thus far ive suggested distancing ourselves (im in a spare bedroom and no more physical touching like cuddling) it gets me very worked up when shes close and touching me and its even more frustrating when it leads to nothing. I really do need help. Ive had a few crying spells and suicidal thoughts since this started. I just feel like my whole world came crashing down.

Same boat! Very close situation.