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Sexual husband gray sexual wife seek advice


Michael in Illinois

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Michael in Illinois

Hi there. Me and my wife have been having intimacy issues for over a year now. Yesterday I came across this site and read so much and talked to my wife about the possibility of her being asexual or gray sexual. She seems open to this suggestion and I think im starting to understand her thanks to this site. We have 2 beautiful children and I dont want to leave her. For now im going to live in a seperate bedroom and we both agreed sex in the near future between us is off the table. Im a very sexual person and the rejection ive sustained over an extended period of time has taken its toll on me. I want to remain with my wife but I also need a healthy sex life. I cant compromise with her and force her to sleep with me anymore because I find it immoral and I feel as if im violating her. I want this to work but I really need some help and guidance.

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It seems to me like you're looking for permission to sleep with someone other than your wife. As someone who is grey-ace, I would be appalled if my SO did such a thing, as I have major jealousy about the intimacy involved (even though I don't envy the sex). I think it's odd that you would come here with this question instead of asking your wife. Open relationships work for some people, but don't look for validation here in wanting to cheat. 

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Solutions:

1. Polyamory if you are both progressive enough.

2. Her sexual emulation, if she loves you enough.

3. Celibacy if you are strong enough.

4. Divorce, because congratulations.

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Michael in Illinois

I really dont recall anywhere in my post where I was suggesting to sleep with other people Queen. It seems as if this is something youre really scared about in your own relationship and are projecting it onto my post. My wife is a member of this site and knows all about this post. Secondarily you suggested that its odd I come on here before speaking to my wife which is wrong for you to assume. This is new to both of us and weve discussed all options prior to me posting. I suggest you choose to comment on other posts in the future in a more respectful and sensitive manner.

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Michael in Illinois

I cant be celibate. Nor am I willing to destroy my family over sex. Weve spoken about the possibility of me seeing other women occasionally but I dont want to hurt her. I still am very sexually attracted to my gorgeous wife and thus far ive suggested distancing ourselves (im in a spare bedroom and no more physical touching like cuddling) it gets me very worked up when shes close and touching me and its even more frustrating when it leads to nothing. I really do need help. Ive had a few crying spells and suicidal thoughts since this started. I just feel like my whole world came crashing down.

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So your wife is antisexual. That is unfortunate.

Asexuality does not mean repulsion to sex. Asexual people are neutral to it.

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On 13/12/2016 at 10:36 PM, Michael in Illinois said:

Hi there. Me and my wife have been having intimacy issues for over a year now. Yesterday I came across this site and read so much and talked to my wife about the possibility of her being asexual or gray sexual. She seems open to this suggestion and I think im starting to understand her thanks to this site. We have 2 beautiful children and I dont want to leave her. For now im going to live in a seperate bedroom and we both agreed sex in the near future between us is off the table. Im a very sexual person and the rejection ive sustained over an extended period of time has taken its toll on me. I want to remain with my wife but I also need a healthy sex life. I cant compromise with her and force her to sleep with me anymore because I find it immoral and I feel as if im violating her. I want this to work but I really need some help and guidance.

Hi Michael

Im also sexual, and with an asexual wife, who is, luckily, ok with occasional, scheduled sex once every fourteen days. She doesnt identify as an ace, but says that she never felt sexual desire and it is just not very important to her! I understand your frustration, and it has taking me more than a year with reaccurring depressions to get my head around this. I have blamed all kind of things before I knew, and apparently she didnt really know for the first 10 years of our marriage. We have kids to and I figth to stay. My biggest problem is, that I dont think she figths, since the problem doesnt occur on her radar!

 

Feel free to write a personal message! It helped me to listen to othersn the same boat!

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I don't agree with Sowilo above. - AFAIK, AVEN never excluded the sex repulsed from the asexual community.

But to the more important issues: Use your privacy to take care of your basic sexual needs and try to get back in touch with your wife. - Warning / disclaimer: Some asexuals also deal with touch aversion. - It is also a well known issue that they might be conditioned to be intimidated by touch since they so far experienced it only in sexual context from you.

Anyhow: my personal opinion is that a relationship 's big benefit is to sleep (or watch TV with the kids) held or holding. I'd be that kind of asexual partner who sees & desires their partner as a big plushie and has no own urge to go further.

Good luck with keeping your marriage going.

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22 hours ago, Sowilo said:

So your wife is antisexual. That is unfortunate.

Asexuality does not mean repulsion to sex. Asexual people are neutral to it.

Sowilo, the OP did not say anything about his wife being repulsed by sex or being "anti-sexual".  Some asexuals are repulsed by sex; some are neutral.  It's a very individual thing.  

 

Michael, you sound like a very nice, sensitive husband.  Even though i'm asexual, I have had two long relationships with sexuals, and had sex with them before I realized I was asexual because I wanted to please them.  When I read about asexuality, I told my partner about it, and  over more than a year of talking he realized that my dislike of sex did not mean anything about him personally.  Luckily, we are in the phase of our lives when becoming platonic partners was fine with both of us, but we are certainly in the minority of "mixed" relationships, and I can certainly understand that someone who really valued sex in their lives would not want to do that.  It will probably take a lot  of talking with your wife to determine how you can continue your marriage with some contentment for both of you.  I wish you luck.  

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Michael, this topic has been discussed in great detail in other forums and actually in this one previously. I've also been through what you are going through now and unfortunately the 'loving my wife too much to go elsewhere for sex' theme constantly recurs in these posts. You'll also find to some extent that your replies will be from asexuals and not sexuals but don't despair. As Sally states, sex to asexuals means different things, like sexual compromise or no compromise for example. I thought my wife just had a low libido but that was not the case. She just didn't see having sex was that important to her (having a family was though) although whether she considered it important to me or not didn't cross her mind at the time as I later found out. 

It's quite devastating to find out about your partner's sexuality after getting married and having children but that's sometimes what happens when you marry for love. If you respected her before you were married (like I did) then there is a probability that you will find out about each-others nuances as the marriage matures.

However, to be on the side of asexuals, I can now understand what they are possibly going through mentally. They may feel rejected by your reluctance to cuddle them for example as you may do this as a signal that you don't want to initiate sex. Nobody wins. It's a matter of acceptance on both sides. 

Laying in bed at night the instinct for a loving couple is to cuddle. This is an extremely difficult situation and can mean that you may have to have your own bed for the sake of your sanity, as you have mentioned already.

All I can say is best of luck. If I were you, as was my destiny, you should concentrate on your family and bringing them up in a loving environment. This is what is most important in life.

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The following is really for fellow sexuals to answer (they being in the same position as me) as I've had something on my mind for ages and I'd like to put it down in writing to see if someone can make any sense of it.

I'm sexual and my SO is asexual. We're married, had three children together and it wasn't until we had the last of the children that it became gradually apparent that my wife was indeed asexual. I've been celibate for over 25 years now but here is the question:

I love my wife but we're not lovers (definition of lovers is 'a partner in a sexual or romantic relationship outside marriage). Does that mean I love my wife as I love my brothers and sisters? Then does that make my wife more of a companion or friend than a wife and is the word 'wife' just a description of someone who is married?

 

The Oxford definition of a wife is 'a married woman considered in relation to her spouse'. No mention of a sexual relationship here. However, the biblical (if that's what you believe) definition of a wife is different. It says, and I quote from the Testament  'A wife must be chaste or sexually faithful to her husband and provide for his sexual needs. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 says that the wife’s body belongs to her husband and that she should not withhold herself from him sexually (1 Corinthians 7:6-9; Matthew 19:1-19). This is for two reasons: to meet his sexual needs and to protect him from temptation to have a sexual affair. Likewise, she abstains from things that might lead her to be physically attracted to someone other than her husband'.

 

Still, we've generally moved on from this concept but I'm really not sure anymore about what our relationship is, apart from the fact that we are married on paper. I know there are a few people on this thread in the same position as me, so any enlightenment and how do you describe your relationship? Has your relationship with your SO changed and how?

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5 hours ago, Apostle said:

The following is really for fellow sexuals to answer (they being in the same position as me) as I've had something on my mind for ages and I'd like to put it down in writing to see if someone can make any sense of it.

I'm sexual and my SO is asexual. We're married, had three children together and it wasn't until we had the last of the children that it became gradually apparent that my wife was indeed asexual. I've been celibate for over 25 years now but here is the question:

I love my wife but we're not lovers (definition of lovers is 'a partner in a sexual or romantic relationship outside marriage). Does that mean I love my wife as I love my brothers and sisters? Then does that make my wife more of a companion or friend than a wife and is the word 'wife' just a description of someone who is married?

 

The Oxford definition of a wife is 'a married woman considered in relation to her spouse'. No mention of a sexual relationship here. However, the biblical (if that's what you believe) definition of a wife is different. It says, and I quote from the Testament  'A wife must be chaste or sexually faithful to her husband and provide for his sexual needs. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 says that the wife’s body belongs to her husband and that she should not withhold herself from him sexually (1 Corinthians 7:6-9; Matthew 19:1-19). This is for two reasons: to meet his sexual needs and to protect him from temptation to have a sexual affair. Likewise, she abstains from things that might lead her to be physically attracted to someone other than her husband'.

 

Still, we've generally moved on from this concept but I'm really not sure anymore about what our relationship is, apart from the fact that we are married on paper. I know there are a few people on this thread in the same position as me, so any enlightenment and how do you describe your relationship? Has your relationship with your SO changed and how?

Well, i dont care about the biblical stuff, but society helps us to define words by how it it usually perceived= cultural understanding of the word. Before my wife found out about how she never desired sex with anyone, then I called her my wife and my loved one and my lover/girlfriend. (Danish word that means 'my dearest 'but has both connotations to it ) today I think I would not call her 'lover/girlfriend, since she is not attracted to me!

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If it is the case that your wife refuses to have sex, or you refuse to abstain from sex for any period or in any extent, then the two of you are, unfortunately, incompatible. IF this is the case, divorse really sucks, but it's very true that people all over the world make it through divorce and figure life out in some manner and in the end it goes OK. 

 

 

If, on the other hand, both your wife is able to offer some amount of sexual interaction with you that you find to be enough, and also, you are able to keep some of your sexual feelings in check and refrain from pressuring her or turning nonsexual moments into sexually charged ones, to an extent that your wife finds reasonable, then things will work out well.

 

 

I know this post sounds kind of blunt, but it's blunt because us humans tend to like things being framed as black and white, or at least I do and project this preference onto others lol. I am sure that, through patient communication, you and her could find resolution to this sudden change in your awareness of your situation, better than I can say in one post xD

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I am in a very similar situation.  My wife has recently (in the last week) told me she might be asexual.  From what I have read and asked her questions about her feelings, she is more grey sexual but only barely.  She asked me if I am attracted to other women and if I would ever want to act on that.  My answer was an easy 'hell no' as I assume was your thought @Michael in Illinois.  Sex brings me significantly closer to my partner and I believe would end up making me fall in love with another woman, so that is a non option for me.  

 

As for how to compromise, I am here looking for ideas and answers...  This desire for sex from me and non desire has caused a rift between us over the years.  I felt rejected often enough that I stopped asking and she felt rejected  because I stopped doing things I thought would lead to sex (cuddling, holding hands, etc.).  I thought things had gotten better over the last year, but then in the last week she brought up asexuality.  Needless to say, I am devastated and don't know if our marriage can survive this.

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Your marriage surviving is probably going to boil down to finding a compromise - on your part, accepting less frequent sex and knowing you're never going to be sexually desired by her (or anyone else) for the rest of your life; on hers, finding some level of sexual activity and/or physical affection that you can live with. These things will need to work long term, for both of you.

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19 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Your marriage surviving is probably going to boil down to finding a compromise - on your part, accepting less frequent sex and knowing you're never going to be sexually desired by her (or anyone else) for the rest of your life; on hers, finding some level of sexual activity and/or physical affection that you can live with. These things will need to work long term, for both of you.

A sexual accepting less frequent sex and the SO giving infrequent sex are really not on quite frankly as both partners will be living a lie, the sexual receiving sex that is being given grudgingly and the asexual giving sex purely to please the SO. No sex on either side also breeds resentment from both partners, the sexual afraid that any physical contact may lead to sex and the asexual disappointed that they feel rejected. It will never be fully resolved to the satisfaction of both parties so you either part company or accept resentment, to a greater or lesser degree depending upon your level of compromises.

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4 minutes ago, Apostle said:

A sexual accepting less frequent sex and the SO giving infrequent sex are really not on quite frankly as both partners will be living a lie, the sexual receiving sex that is being given grudgingly and the asexual giving sex purely to please the SO. No sex on either side also breeds resentment from both partners, the sexual afraid that any physical contact may lead to sex and the asexual disappointed that they feel rejected. It will never be fully resolved to the satisfaction of both parties so you either part company or accept resentment, to a greater or lesser degree depending upon your level of compromises.

Probably, but not quite necessarily.

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On 12/13/2016 at 8:46 PM, Sowilo said:

Solutions:

1. Polyamory if you are both progressive enough.

2. Her sexual emulation, if she loves you enough.

3. Celibacy if you are strong enough.

4. Divorce, because congratulations.

Polyamory doesn't have to do with whether or not someone is "progressive." It has to do with a person's inclinations and preferences, or with what they're willing to do, although I view it as unhealthy to use that as a "solution" if it's something you really don't want.

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On 15/12/2016 at 11:05 PM, Sowilo said:

So your wife is antisexual. That is unfortunate.

Asexuality does not mean repulsion to sex. Asexual people are neutral to it.

Some asexual people are neutral to sex. Some don't want it and won't have it (without any repulsion or antisexuality involved)

 

Also yeah, echoing what Pink said, polyamoury has nothing to do with whether or not you're progressive. Some people can desire love and intimacy with multiple partners at once, some people can only desire love and intimacy with one partner at a time, none is better or more advanced than the other.

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9 hours ago, Frigid Pink said:

...Polyamory...antisexual...

 

4 hours ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

...polyamoury...antisexual...

I was sarcastic in that post and I am sorry for that.

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To most sexuals, sex also equals bonding, as in feeling togetherness and this is much due to chemicals released during skin contact or looong hugs or sex (which is typically both)! If the sexual, are a typical monogamous sexual, then there will be a desire to be with others, but even a stronger desire to stay with the SO. I would fear for opening my relationship, as I migth start feeling more connected to a new partner, which could by time turn into the new SO. I am not willing to take that risk, untill I have searched all sexual compromises within my relationship.

...but I would not accept celibacy! Periods of abstinance, yes! Timeframe?

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I'm with you Mr Dane. After all, why do people choose their partners in the first place? Most people in a relationship think about looking for greener grass, especially when their relationship is under strain but invariably it doesn't materialise. Also, if both partners agree to having a third party member then doesn't that say something about their relationship in the first place?

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I'm a sexual husband to what I believe is an asexual wife...sex was ok when we first met, but slowed down after theach engagement. Our 6 years marriage has been rather sexless, other then when she wanted to have a child maybe like 20 times max, in the past 4 years we've had sex twice. I sleep on the couch and feel like we are room mates. We've talked about divorce  but she swears she loves me and would be lost without me. In the meanwhile I feel like my soul is dying. I just found this site. To have every advance turned down so casually like I'm asking if she wants to get takeout I'd killing me. I find myself feeling ugly, alone, worthless and rejected. My tactic lately is when I ever I'm feeling this way is just to go to the gym.  We have a  wonderful 4 year old  child, just bought a house,share common interest.  The thing is I signed up for a spouse not a friend/roomare. I want to make this work. Just as a extremely sexual person I'm at a loss. I'm not going to ask her to have sex anymore... I just don't know what to do and it's  destroying me. 

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On 25.12.2016 at 11:22 AM, Apostle said:

 Also, if both partners agree to having a third party member then doesn't that say something about their relationship in the first place?

<snark>Yes, it says the relationship is non-monogamous.</snark>

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On 12/27/2016 at 9:54 AM, tkadlubo said:

<snark>Yes, it says the relationship is non-monogamous.</snark>

Too simplistic answer. You've left out emotions that can change everything. Additional partner in a relationship can change the dynamics and potentially destroy the original partnership. 

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My experience of this is that its a very complicated and individual situation. Use these posts as ideas/guidelines but ultimately they key is open, honest communication between you and your wife, lots of it. If you do choose to make it work, it won't be easy. Do not expect one discussion of "ok, this will be how we will do things" then bam 40 years of happy marriage. It will be a constant 2 steps forward 1/2/3 back, you will make a bit of progress and then find new problems, the important thing is to keep solving them together. You will get frustrated, she may cry because "she can't please you" etc, again the important thing is that when either of you is upset, the other one is there to comfort.

 

I do feel that part of the answer lies in the (very simplified) reasons of why we have sex. 1 - Because we "need to". 2 - Because its fun. 3 - Because of the intimacy and love expressed between two people. Very bluntly, I have found that you can satisfy 1 and 2 on your own. Your wife my be willing to try and "sort you out" as a sort of compromise. Compromising is a huge debate and one that is very personal, I was initially against it (referring to my SO "sorting me out") but now I'm not so sure. Its great fun and it does bring relief, however it does only satisfy 1 & 2.

 

As for reason 3, I have also found (did take me a while however) that sex isn't needed for that. You say you have tried to move away from physical contact, but I would actually encourage it. She will understand that you have a need to feel wanted and loved. Cuddling, holding hands, kissing are great ways of being close to your partner.

 

Another thing to consider, apologies for the harshness here; you know deep down if you can survive without sex. "No" is not a wrong/bad/evil/immoral/selfish/etc answer, its perfectly acceptable. And if the answer is "no" then you need to consider your options (divorce/open relationship). I hope this has helped somewhat and I really hope you can make it work!

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13 hours ago, Zebedee101 said:

Cuddling, holding hands, kissing are great ways of being close to your partner.

Not necessarily. You could be sending out the wrong message to the asexual in your partnership. Besides, as you point out, everyone is different. We all have to make decisions, sometimes on a daily basis within the marriage or partnership. It also depends on your past history and as a couple..........what you may have both been through (e.g. infertility problems) and the way that both of you have been brought up (religion/split families/single parents/family mental issues etc). Some or all of these issues can have a great influence on how you and your partner behave and address problems that occur between yourselves. 

Quite honestly, reading through all of the issues that couples write about on these posts I'm not sure if it's worth the effort as all these relationships seems to do is cause anguish. After all, apart from the loneliness that most single people talk about, they almost all seem to have a fulfilled life. If they want company, then find a friend! Simples! ^_^

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On 15.12.2016 at 0:05 PM, Sowilo said:

So your wife is antisexual. That is unfortunate.

Asexuality does not mean repulsion to sex. Asexual people are neutral to it.

Umm, no. Asexuals can be repulsed, or can be neutral, but antisexuality is something entirely different. (antisexuals thing the sexuality in general is more or less wrong)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry, but here we go again.  I will chant the recurring message..........I am a sexual male, married for many years to an asexual female.  We love each other and have a wonderful life but sex is important to me and not even remotely interesting to my wife.  Like everyone has discussed, I thought for years that there was something wrong or something we could change, to help her become more interested.  Finally, we discovered the reality of asexuality and I accept it.  I don't like it, but I do my best to accept.

Here is what I dont understand; Why is it so difficult for her to have sexual intimacy with me?   We are both still physically attractive (she tells me that I am attractive), she has an orgasm every time we have sex, I am gentle, I am patient, and once every 3 weeks was our pace.   Everyone talks about compromises in a marriage.   She might not be as excited about sex as I am, but I am NOT asking her to do something horrible.  I cannot understand why it is such a burden to ask for this compromise.

Anyone that knows me, also knows I am a great husband, father, and provider.  I do my share of the lifting when it comes to running a family and a household.  If the shoe were on the other foot and my wife wanted me to do something that was important to her, but that I did not like...........I would walk through hot coals to please her!

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