What do I do with my sexuality?

[Riiekka]

My husband is an asexual. It took me a long time to understand. I finally DID and it was before we were married. So, I had plenty of time to come to terms with what that meant for us. The issues caused by our differences never give me reason to second guess, question, or worry about "us." We are soulmates and we are family. The fulfillment I find with him in my life is worth more than I could ever express. I respect him, I admire him, I like him, and I love him. BUT because I am wired in a very sexual way I also want him and desire him strongly. When I first began to understand I wondered how it would make me feel. He even said if necessary we can open up our relationship. I pondered that but eventually I came to realize that, at least at this point, I have no desire to be with another. The thought of sex with someone else bothers me. That could change, but for now that is my reality. So........

 

What do I do with my sexuality? He is a person who goes for long stretches where he is intensely interested in something. These stretches can last for a week or many months. When he is done with the interest he is sincerely done. For example he will desire one food item or dish and that is what we will have for dinner for awhile. Then all of a sudden he doesn't care about it anymore. It's not that he dislikes it, he just prefers whatever his new food interest is. He is like this with many things. His video games, his tv shows, his current artistic expression, ect. This is how he is with sex as well. He will go through stretches of natural interest. During these stretches I can actually work him up enough throughout the day that I can almost count on sex that night if I don't let my insecurities get in the way. When he is done with a stretch of interest it is really rough. I don't want to constantly talk about it. I don't want to ask for it when I know he just doesn't feel it at all. The problems are mine. He is attentive but I also understand that he's not even always able to anticipate when something will be hard on me. I have done a good job of separating love and affection from sex. I never even knew different people felt and saw these things different then me. So, it was quite an adjustment. I do know that he loves me and has affection for me, despite not being sexually effected by me. (He says that when he is feeling his version of sexual I do it for him...so that helps) What do I do when my body is aching with desire, but I am simultaneously turned off because he is being silly and exaggerating sexual affection? He plays with me a lot and honestly if I wasn't so starved for sexual gratification I would love it. I love being teased.....when teasing eventually leads to satisfaction. I DO NOT want to over react and address this in a way where he stops his playful affection. If he stopped that it would be even more terrible. I love his touches even when they are just play. I get so much from them. But that still does not keep my sexual appetite from being  very real. Lately the struggle is intense enough I have to shut down for awhile. He calls it pouting and I think he has a tiny bit of understanding of what is going on. (I certainly try to explain) My sexuality, my needs, are sort of like a foreign language, one he took halfheartedly in high school....but filled with words and concepts he can't comprehend. I know that learning to communicate with him is one of the main keys. I'm trying my hardest to find ways to help him understand without sounding like a mindless horny person. (But sometimes I feel like a mindless horny person because I just want to start touching him and make it happen so bad.)

 

I masturbate as frequently as possible. I am a mom and I work full time so I try and be creative. Taking care of things that way does help. Yet, it still does not take away my desire and need for him. Much of my need is taken care of by cuddles and silly kisses. So, I am not at any sort of scary breaking point...but I do fantasize about having sex with him, a lot and I truly hope it happens again soon....

 

I suppose this long post is my way of getting it out there....and if anyone has some mature advice for how I can handle myself and how I can figure out how to effectively communicate with him. (Side note: He is very good at listening...he is also very responsive...I think I just don't know how to explain my point of view and needs in a way that he can truly understand.)

 

Thanks everyone!!

[Lara Black]

Hello, Riiekka.

I loved your post and your description of communications in mixed relationships. I am in one myself, and it really seems like my partner can’t understand some sexual issues, nor can I comprehend all aspects of asexuality.

What might help is finding a metaphor that will communicate your message not through concepts, but through similar feelings. From what you told about your husband, it might be something like describing sexual desire as his “obsession” for food or the new game that just can’t be fulfilled – what if he could smell his new favorite dish, but couldn’t eat it? Or something else – you know him much better and will be able to figure out the best image.

And about pleasuring yourself - I’m sure you know the different ways to do that. But since there’s very little chance that your husband will suddenly start wanting sex frequently, you might wish to get even more creative and experiment. Sometimes our old faithful ways just don’t do it anymore and it takes a bit of searching around adult shops to find a new way of discharging enough sexuality.

Best wishes.

[MrDane]

On 9/12/2016 at 8:47 PM, Lara Black said:

Hello, Riiekka.

I loved your post and your description of communications in mixed relationships. I am in one myself, and it really seems like my partner can’t understand some sexual issues, nor can I comprehend all aspects of asexuality.

What might help is finding a metaphor that will communicate your message not through concepts, but through similar feelings. From what you told about your husband, it might be something like describing sexual desire as his “obsession” for food or the new game that just can’t be fulfilled – what if he could smell his new favorite dish, but couldn’t eat it? Or something else – you know him much better and will be able to figure out the best image.

And about pleasuring yourself - I’m sure you know the different ways to do that. But since there’s very little chance that your husband will suddenly start wanting sex frequently, you might wish to get even more creative and experiment. Sometimes our old faithful ways just don’t do it anymore and it takes a bit of searching around adult shops to find a new way of discharging enough sexuality.

Best wishes.

I like the analogy about how a smell can evoke/wake up a desire for something specific. But even if the sexual cooks the nicest and best flavour/odour, then the ace will still have a good, clocked, not-working nose!