How do I come out to my parents as Demisexual?

[HarleyQuinnFan2]

Hi, I've only just worked out that I'm Demisexual (and possibly Demiromantic) but have no idea how to come out to my parents and brother. 

 

They're really progressive, and I don't think they'd have a problem, but I'm worrying about how to explain this to them. Recently my mum keeps talking about grandchildren and I'm getting a bit uncomfortable and guilty about not telling her (I'm 20+). 

 

What's the best way to come out? Any advice on how to explain this to them?

[Laplace]

Hello and welcome btw!  Coming out is hard, no matter the orientation. If you're deadset on telling your family, my suggestion is be prepared to answer questions and provide sites (like AVEN). I'm a 22 y.o. aro/ace (to my knowledge) guy and I'm out to my mom and bro ATM (gonna tell my dad sometime soon probably). Know that sometimes people will be skeptical; my mom I think still has some problems wrapping her head around it but my bro accepted it near immediately. Personally, I think it may be tougher to come out at demi rather than ace/aro cause it's more ambiguous so don't get discouraged if someone is confused. The "I want grandchildren" notion may  or may not be a problem. Just be straightforward about what your desires and boundaries are and hopefully they'll understand. You don't "owe" someone children, no disrespect to your mom. Take my advice with a grain of salt though cause I tend to be pretty candid with people. I'm also woefully inexperienced when it comes to relationships (never been in one) either. Remember you don't have an obligation to come out until you feel comfortable, and know lots of people have your back. Best of luck if you proceed! 

[Sally]

You don't need to give them details.   You could simply say that you aren't really interested in having children.  If they persist in talking  about it,  change the subject, or leave the room.  

[dissolved]

Tell them you're waiting for "the right person". Parents seem to like that

[darkpoetess]

The only situation with my parents in which I found it hard to be demisexual is when my mother realized that I didn't have a physical type that I was interested in and couldn't figure out why I didn't like boys that she thought I would like based on aesthetic appeal. As a teenager and into my early 20s, I was not able to express why and did not know what asexuality was. All I told her was that I didn't feel attracted to anyone unless I had very strong feelings for them. I've been saying I don't want children since I was a kid so the grandchildren thing fortunately isn't an issue for me. Honestly though, I've had a lot more difficult time expressing that to friends. To anyone I've tried to discuss this with, and we're talking even progressive minds, they just cannot wrap their head around me not experiencing sexual attraction after emotional connection. I must have a low libido, or it's all in my head. Or they think I'm just full of it. Coming out isn't something I do anymore with the exception of close friends who won't react negatively. My partner knows and while he doesn't relate to it, he definitely tries to understand it as I describe it. At first he thought it was low sex drive, and I said, no, it's alive and well lol. It just doesn't react to anyone except someone I'm in love with, and it has always been that way. My previous partners denied and ignored my attempts to come out, and one partner was actually upset about it and treated me differently after I told him. It just depends on who you're talking to and how you express and describe it to them. 

[Someone Else]

I ask this of everyone who asks this question, but do you need to "come out?" to anyone other than your partner?  
It's pretty much impossible for them to bust into your room and say "ah ha!  Just caught you not having sex!"
I don't come out about not caring about sex, no more than I come out about not liking artichokes.  Most people will never know about it, and never need to know.  

[Star Bit]

Uh, you don't have to come out to them in the first place; your sex life is none of their business. As said, the only person you actually need to come out to is a potential partner.

 

However, if you really want to; for representation reasons or honesty or whatever, then it hast to be simple an explicit; "I only desire sex with someone after a long time of knowing them (platonically or romantically). It is not celibacy because i literally do not have the urge until that point in time. [what it's called is optional] This is called Demisexual; a detail people can add to their orientation; Demi-heterosexual, or a more discreet Gray-heterosexual can also be used. The reason this is needed info is because most people give up before i reciprocate. Yes, this makes personal info public, but only a small minority of people are like this and without talking about these things these people feel broken." I say the title is optional because that's where people start to reject the idea; so if you give the definition first and then what it's called then people seem to be more accepting of things.

[Someone Else]

Waiting for the right person is actually completely normal, everyday behavior.  In fact, telling your parents that your not demi would probably bother them more. "I have senseless sex and don't care about being in love."  I think they won't even know why you need to say "I like to be in love before having sex."  They'll probably go "Well, of course."  

[Ettina]

On 12/21/2016 at 6:33 PM, Someone Else said:

Waiting for the right person is actually completely normal, everyday behavior.  In fact, telling your parents that your not demi would probably bother them more. "I have senseless sex and don't care about being in love."  I think they won't even know why you need to say "I like to be in love before having sex."  They'll probably go "Well, of course."  

That's not what demisexual means. Behavior =|= attraction. Allosexual people are people who can look at a stranger and spontaneously think "that person is hot". Doesn't mean that they want to have sex with that person. A demisexual, on the other hand, never finds strangers sexually attractive. Doesn't mean they can't go around sleeping with strangers if they choose. (They might be less likely to do that, but plenty of people have sex with people they're not attracted to for various reasons.)

My father has been married for around 30 years, and would never ever cheat on my mother. But he still notices when a woman is sexually attractive. My mother, similarly, notices attractive guys (she's got several celebrity crushes - Johnny Depp, and whoever plays Luke Cage in the TV show). Being attracted to strangers is how most people are, and it's not an indication that they're automatically going to act on that attraction.        

[WhenSummersGone]

On December 21, 2016 at 5:33 PM, Someone Else said:

Waiting for the right person is actually completely normal, everyday behavior.  In fact, telling your parents that your not demi would probably bother them more. "I have senseless sex and don't care about being in love."  I think they won't even know why you need to say "I like to be in love before having sex."  They'll probably go "Well, of course."  

It's not waiting or liking to be in love at all because Demisexuals are not abstaining or celibate. Demisexuality is only experiencing sexual desire after an emotion bond has been made and it is not a choice.

 

I don't mean to be rude but there's this idea that Demisexual is normal but it's getting confused with celibate sexuals.

[Spiritus55]

I guess I'm in the "why do you need to come out?" Camp. That's really nobody's business but you and a potential partner. As far as having children, that's a separate issue from your sexual spectrum. If you don't want to have children tell them your feelings. That might change you never know. All you can really know is where you are right now.

[Anchy97]

On 12/12/2016 at 12:31 AM, Someone Else said:

I ask this of everyone who asks this question, but do you need to "come out?" to anyone other than your partner?  
It's pretty much impossible for them to bust into your room and say "ah ha!  Just caught you not having sex!"
I don't come out about not caring about sex, no more than I come out about not liking artichokes.  Most people will never know about it, and never need to know.  

I'm a heteroromantic demisexual. I have fallen in love with a guy way too late, when he fell in love with another woman. My parents know I am into guys... Maybe. Since then I have went on one date and told my mom about it. I never planned on coming out but recently my parents have been... pushy. Today my mom told me to ask my guy friend if he has any good guy friends to hook me up with someone. I said "No, no, no, no, mom, no!" To me, I sounded pretty harsh. I also have a feeling that they think I might be gay. If they try to set me up one more time, I really might have to tell them

[Someone Else]

Yeah, I've realized that some people's experiences with their friend and family were radically different from my own.  I never got pushed or intruded, even a little.  No one, family or friend, tried setting me up with anyone, ever.  My guy friends in my younger years would never have talked about or boasted about any sexual adventures they might have had.  I've realized that experience in my life was not necessarily the norm.  My family didn't bring up sex or anything like that, normally.  It wasn't something to be talked about casually.  

[EmoChild]

I'm demisexual but I don't know how to tell my family. I'm attracted to any gender but I need to form an emotional bond with the person. Sadly my family is a bunch of homophobes so I'm scared to tell them. What do I do?"

[Sarah-Sylvia]

7 minutes ago, EmoChild said:

I'm demisexual but I don't know how to tell my family. I'm attracted to any gender but I need to form an emotional bond with the person. Sadly my family is a bunch of homophobes so I'm scared to tell them. What do I do?"

Well, being demisexual isn't something they'd react badly too right?  but it's more being bi-sexual (or bi-romantic) that might get to them. You could keep it to yourself until you feel you have to tell them.
It sounds like you may be pansexual to some degree. Maybe one way to explain it would be to say you love the person for who they are, not their gender. If that's true, then it could maybe soften the reactions to it. But other than that, you can't always change someone's mind. Sometimes parents do change a bit how they feel though, if they realize that you're really like you are. Being demi-sexual isn't something known much, and might not even be worth talking about unless you feel it's important to you.

[EmoChild]

Thanks for that. But my uncle was demisexual but his parents kicked him out of their home. They just want to look perfect. I'm scared they won't accept me.  

[Sarah-Sylvia]

53 minutes ago, EmoChild said:

Thanks for that. But my uncle was demisexual but his parents kicked him out of their home. They just want to look perfect. I'm scared they won't accept me.  

If they kicked him out just for being demisexual, I think you should wait until you feel ready to say it. Meaning that you don't care too much what they think about it.
The only time you might need to talk about it is if they'd ever see you with someone of the same gender as you. Other than that, you may want to keep it to yourself until you feel the time is right. Unless you think there's  reason to be out about it before then.

[EmoChild]

I guess but I just feel bad for not telling them about it. 

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[Sarah-Sylvia]

10 minutes ago, EmoChild said:

I guess but I just feel bad for not telling them about it. 

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You shouldn't feel bad. Especially if they don't accept people who are lgbtq. They don't deserve that privilege, and you don't deserve to feel that there's anything wrong with you.

It's all about timing. And since you know they aren't very accepting, you would have to be ready for what can happen. Maybe at some point you'll feel ready.

[EmoChild]

I suppose so. Thanks.😜

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 12/12/2016 at 12:31 AM, Someone Else said:

I don't come out about not caring about sex, no more than I come out about not liking artichokes.  Most people will never know about it, and never need to know.  

I prefer to be out because I'm not a person who "doesn't care about sex", I'm a person who actively doesn't want to have sex ever. Being sex-averse, I would feel uncomfortable with the assumption that I could have some kind of a partnered sex life.

 

And as for "the grandchildren issue", I felt an extreme repulsion towards pregnancy and childbirth long before I knew I'm effectively asexual, even before I knew what sex is. I'm out as "someone who doesn't want to have children" since the age of five.

[Sally]

Don't.   Just don't.   They don't need to know, and they probably don't really want to know.  AVEN is littered with laments from asexuals who told their families and really wished they hadn't.  

[Janus the Fox]

Immediate thought “no need to come out, you’re still straight” assuming there’s of course... opposite sex attractions.

[Lhy]

Demibisexual cis woman here. I have to admit I feel somewhat bothered by the “why come out” comments. Of course, coming out is and should always be a personal choice. But I completely understand why people would want to come out to family and/or friends as demisexual, or come out as being on the ace spectrum in general! It can be an important part of who we are as people and certainly an important point to note about what someone is looking for in relationships. My experience as a demisexual is as formative and important as being bisexual or being a woman, and those are things I regularly discuss with my family and friends about. So it feels natural to me to want to come out to my family as demisexual. Just like any for any other gender/sexuality, I hope we can continue to normalize having these types of conversation with our loved ones. 

[Willow_Plant]

I am demisexual, and I want to come out to my parents. The only issue is my dad is homophobic. Thankfully, I live with my mom, but the issue is my mom might accept me if I was lesbian, but not as demisexual. How do I come out?