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I believe my husband is asexual...


artsyfartsy

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33 minutes ago, artsyfartsy said:

I haven't read much about what an aromantic is, but if it means he is not able to be romantic, yes that's him.

 

It's not that we aren't able as this is normally something we, on our side, can compromise on as long as it's not expected to lead to the big thing afterwards.

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Just now, Nidwin said:

 

It's not that we aren't able as this is normally something we, on our side, can compromise on as long as it's not expected to lead to the big thing afterwards.

I see, no high expectations then. LOL, and I had to giggle at the ending of your sentence "the big thing afterwards".

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OK so this is leading to a question. My husband is clearly able to be affectionate, but toward our children. He's super cute and loving with them and I love that. So that used to confuse me, because I thought, "Well, clearly he is capable of loving, he just isn't capable of loving me.

So, that's not it, is it? It's more because of expectations? And yeah, I guess I should've figured out that parental love and romantic love and completely different. I'm learning. Bear with me.

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Yeah, he might be hanging back in case it raises expectations for sex. Apparently my wife was, at one stage, too, even though it hasn't, for years, and I've never, ever pushed for sex when she's pulled away.

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4 minutes ago, artsyfartsy said:

OK so this is leading to a question. My husband is clearly able to be affectionate, but toward our children. He's super cute and loving with them and I love that. So that used to confuse me, because I thought, "Well, clearly he is capable of loving, he just isn't capable of loving me.

So, that's not it, is it? It's more because of expectations? And yeah, I guess I should've figured out that parental love and romantic love and completely different. I'm learning. Bear with me.

 

It does sound like he expresses love differently between partner and children, which I think is fairly normal (meaning that it doesn't by itself indicate any lack of love or lesser live). I'm not affectionate towards my parents or siblings or their kids, but I'm all about cuddling with the dogs. My interaction with the dogs is very different. They can't understand language as well, so this is how I communicate. People can understand language (usually) and adults can understand better than children, so perhaps he finds affection to be a means of getting his message across to the kids that he loves them. He might not fully understand how, despite having a developed mind, you still need affection too. Or romantic love might not naturally spur that behaviour for him and he doesn't understand how deeply that gets to you.

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I can't tell for your husband or others, but for me high or higher expectations are reasons to hold back or even to push away and put some distance.

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You guys are really helping me to understand this. To understand him.  You have no idea, this could change so much, starting with our perspective. I'm not looking to change him, but I'm willing to change my perspective. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and from both a sexual and asexual point of view.  It makes things a lot more bearable.

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I'm glad it's helping, and communicating and changing your expectations will probably help a lot. It does have its limits though. As an analogy... someone may have completely legitimate reasons for not being able to feed their cat, but the cat remains unfed...

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It's easy to get into the mindset "I can't be affectionate or they will want sex". I stopped cuddling or touching my ex much for that reason. Even though I love doing those things. Do you think his wanting to cuddle now is due to his wants or yours ?

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Sometimes, I, the sexual, feel like the "odd man out" or the third wheel. Like going to a party, and the seat next to you is empty and the people, who are dancing and laughing never realise it. You have asked about dancing a couple of times, vaguely, like: "do you feel like dancing?" Then you switch position and move closer, you try to make eye contact or you say things like :"uh, I really like this song", hoping for a invitation to dance. She says, 'could you please stop?, im actually just here to party!'

...but I thought going to a party meant, laugh, talk and dance silly to good music!? 

 

 

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3 hours ago, Snow Owl said:

It's easy to get into the mindset "I can't be affectionate or they will want sex". I stopped cuddling or touching my ex much for that reason. Even though I love doing those things. Do you think his wanting to cuddle now is due to his wants or yours ?

I think he feels bad, I don't know. 😔

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2 hours ago, MrDane said:

Sometimes, I, the sexual, feel like the "odd man out" or the third wheel. Like going to a party, and the seat next to you is empty and the people, who are dancing and laughing never realise it. You have asked about dancing a couple of times, vaguely, like: "do you feel like dancing?" Then you switch position and move closer, you try to make eye contact or you say things like :"uh, I really like this song", hoping for a invitation to dance. She says, 'could you please stop?, im actually just here to party!'

...but I thought going to a party meant, laugh, talk and dance silly to good music!? 

 

 

Excellent analogy!

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4 hours ago, Snow Owl said:

It's easy to get into the mindset "I can't be affectionate or they will want sex". I stopped cuddling or touching my ex much for that reason. Even though I love doing those things. Do you think his wanting to cuddle now is due to his wants or yours ?

 

Genuine question then Snow since you're somewhat in my wife's position  - given that in my situation,  a cuddle hasn't escalated into me trying anything sexual for years,  my wife absolutely knows that if she breaks away, I won't pursue it,  because I haven't for years, she's said she's not physically repelled,  just doesn't occur to her or do anything for her,  and when we've talked about it,  she appears to understand I have a need for that physical closeness that she doesn't,  and yet still she's said she tends to avoid cuddling because it might escalate... any ideas for changing the situation? 

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

Genuine question then Snow since you're somewhat in my wife's position  - given that in my situation,  a cuddle hasn't escalated into me trying anything sexual for years,  my wife absolutely knows that if she breaks away, I won't pursue it,  because I haven't for years, she's said she's not physically repelled,  just doesn't occur to her or do anything for her,  and when we've talked about it,  she appears to understand I have a need for that physical closeness that she doesn't,  and yet still she's said she tends to avoid cuddling because it might escalate... any ideas for changing the situation? 

 

Uhm. Well. I honestly can't say for sure what will help, since I never got to the point where I trusted things wouldn't escalate and my ex never stopped doing it. But, I think at least on some level that anxiety will always be there. Even with my current partner, I bet I'll still have some of that anxiety (even though I know there is no risk of being pushed for sex), just due to how much I've been trained to associate any touch with sex at this point. It's like trying to break a dog of flinching when you go to pet them after they've been abused all their life (and no, I am not saying wanting sex is abuse, I'm just using that as a "sometimes you just expect an action, even though it will never happen from someone"), it's just something that takes time, patience, trust and sometimes it never stops happening cause it's so ingrained in them. I'm not certain I'll ever be 100% comfortable touching another human being again, if I am being totally honest. Despite loving it, despite wanting it, despite when I could feel comfortable with it, it was the best feeling I have ever felt. I might, given time with someone who never wants sex. I am fairly certain I never could with someone who wanted it though, even if I could trust they wouldn't push for it, cause that desire will be there and I'll know it. 

 

 

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Salted Karamel
9 hours ago, MrDane said:

Sometimes, I, the sexual, feel like the "odd man out" or the third wheel. Like going to a party, and the seat next to you is empty and the people, who are dancing and laughing never realise it. You have asked about dancing a couple of times, vaguely, like: "do you feel like dancing?" Then you switch position and move closer, you try to make eye contact or you say things like :"uh, I really like this song", hoping for a invitation to dance. She says, 'could you please stop?, im actually just here to party!'

...but I thought going to a party meant, laugh, talk and dance silly to good music!? 

 

:lol: I feel this deeply as both an ace spectrum person and a person who hates to dance.

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 I am fairly certain I never could with someone who wanted it though, even if I could trust they wouldn't push for it, cause that desire will be there and I'll know it. 

 

So in that situation, nothing the sexual partner does will ever be enough...

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25 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

So in that situation, nothing the sexual partner does will ever be enough...

 

If the asexual is at all sensitive to the sexual's desire and will feel guilty because they can't meet that desire, yes, it won't work.  In the later years of my having sex with my partner, I more and more did not make gestures of affection because I was worried what it would lead to.  My partner considered ANY affectionate gesture a prelude to/acceptance of sex.   There was a very sad period of time between my participating in sex and deciding I couldn't anymore.  Once I heard about asexuality, determined that's what I'd been all along, and told him, we didn't have sex anymore.  I  didn't feel guilty, because he was free to leave me and find a "complete" relationship with someone else.  He chose not to do so, but it was his choice.   

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My partner considered ANY affectionate gesture a prelude to/acceptance of sex.

 

I can understand that. What I meant was when (as in my case, and the OP's, I think) there's no sexual intent, and demonstrably so. I've backed off because I'd still like some physical contact, but however much I back off, my wife at some level still perceives there's some sexual intent, even though I'm not going to act on it. There might be desire (nothing we can do about that, just as asexuals can't do anything about not having desire), but our actions are under our own control and we're not going to do anything.

 

What I meant about the mirror image was this: Asexuals can choose to have sex, even though there's no desire, but can feel 'nothing's ever enough' in terms of desire or frequency, and that must be dispiriting, and beyond their control, and it still doesn't help the wider relationship. In the situation we're talking about here, it seems that sexuals can choose to not ask for sex and make clear they're only ever after physical affection, but asexuals aren't comfortable with that because they understand there's still desire even if it's not acted on. In both cases, one side's actions are the most they can do to reach out to their partner, but it's still not enough.

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9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

 There might be desire (nothing we can do about that, just as asexuals can't do anything about not having desire), but our actions are under our own control and we're not going to do anything.

 

 

And we can feel that desire.  So you're being in control of your actions, but not in your desires, and those desires color the whole thing for us.  We can't help that; it's an instinctual warding off of what we just can't deal with.  

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 So you're being in control of your actions, but not in your desires, and those desires color the whole thing for us.  We can't help that; it's an instinctual warding off of what we just can't deal with.  

 

I agree. Flip that situation round and you have a sexual not being able to deal with an asexual having sex but without desire, which is what many sexuals can't deal with. That was my only observation, I'm not making any particular argument.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/7/2016 at 6:59 AM, artsyfartsy said:

OK so this is leading to a question. My husband is clearly able to be affectionate, but toward our children. He's super cute and loving with them and I love that. So that used to confuse me, because I thought, "Well, clearly he is capable of loving, he just isn't capable of loving me.

So, that's not it, is it? It's more because of expectations? And yeah, I guess I should've figured out that parental love and romantic love and completely different. I'm learning. Bear with me.

So they are. I have a lot in common with your husband in being able to have warm, loving relationships with children but not adults. My feelings when I'm holding a baby or a young child are of a deeply meditative nature, enveloping them in a warm, safe place. It's deeply satisfying, but I can't seem to have those kinds of feelings for a mature adult. There are times when I really wish I could.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/5/2016 at 3:38 PM, artsyfartsy said:

I've been married to him for 15 years now. Overall, he's a really nice guy, but very quickly I learned that he was not sexually attracted to me. 

We managed to have 2 children, but that felt purposeful, a very planned "project".

 

I have tried to understand him. In the beginning, I thought it was me. I thought he found me gross, unattractive or just plain didn't like me (once we were married. See, I was his first and we waited until marriage. That's another aspect of our complex relationship, we started out religious). I told him long ago and still tell him from time to time, that I know he doesn't love me. He doesn't deny it. I know we care about each other, but there's no love there. I thought it started out as love, it did on my end, anyway.

 

Down the road, I began to wonder if he was gay. Maybe he didn't know it, but the reason he wasn't attracted to me is because he's gay? Deep down, I knew it wasn't true, but I always wondered. 

Many nights, throughout the years, I have cried myself to sleep. Feeling unloved, unattractive, rejected. We don't even kiss.

I've had relationships before we met. I had a few boyfriends and I was once a passionate kisser and lover. The boyfriend I had before I married my husband, was the most passionate relationship I'd been in. Then...this...

So, I've come to a point that I now just, tolerate it. I've never cheated, I trust and believe in my heart that he has never cheater, either. We just, well, we live like roommates that share a bed and we make a good team as parents. Thus, the reason we are still together. Why rock our children's boats?
Do I still want a sexual relationship? Yes? Will I seek it out with someone else? No. Do I want one with him? I don't know. I know that I can't change him and he won't give me what I want. So I'm just trying to raise our children and get through this and see where we wind up. Maybe once they are grown, we'll either decide to go our own ways or we'll just keep the status quo. We're 40, for crying out loud.

Anyway, here's the main thing and the reason I joined this forum and am telling my story. I only recently realized that my husband's sexuality (or lack thereof) has a name. I never actually looked it up. I've heard of asexuality, but I didn't really know what it was. So, as I am just learning this, do I tell him? Will it help him to understand himself? Will it help us? I'm not sure there is any help for us, but maybe we can talk about it more without hurt feelings? And I can maybe accept it better, knowing it's not personal, that it hasn't been about his lack of attraction to me all these years? That doesn't make me feel much better, to be honest, but it takes the sting off a little.

OK, I'll stop here. Getting a bit emotional. Thanks for reading...

 

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