Twigwilter Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 I'm 30 and work on low paid temporary contracts which means that in between times I am forced to stay with my parents. The atmosphere at home is pretty toxic as my parents both have serious psychological issues so it's hardly an ideal situation to be in. I'm that bit too old to easily find friends to live with (they're all paired up) so I end up alternating between staying in shared houses with strangers when I'm working (sometimes good, sometimes bad, I never know what to expect!) and staying at my parents'. I think I avoid permanent work as I can get nothing local and, being a perpetual singleton, like to be able to connect with old friends in between jobs. I just wondered if this is a common problem among older asexuals; being forced into unhealthy living situations due to not pairing up/ not having the funds to live on their own? I feel like there's no easy answer to this as my chosen career doesn't offer much in terms of wages, I don't intend to change from a career that I like and I don't intend to pair up! Link to post Share on other sites
bittersweet988 Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 I am in a similar situation and I am sure there are many other asexuals our age or older with similar problems. Unlike you, I get along well with my parents, so I don't really feel like living alone at the moment, but not having a stable job will definitely be a problem in the future. I am a freelancer, so I know something about not having the funds to live on my own. Being self-employed, sometimes I have lots of work and other times I have nothing to do and earn nothing. Staying in shared houses might be a temporary alternative if you can tolerate that (I would hate it, so that's not an option for me, but if your parents have psychological issues, you should stay away from them). The career I chose will never offer much in terms of wages, but I don't even want a job I don't like just to earn more money. Link to post Share on other sites
Busrider Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 I am not sure if making little $$s is really necessarily "unhealthy". Can't you find an alternative, like going on gypsy inspired vacations between jobs? Or is it impossible to work through the winters and get summers off in your trade? I am sufficiently obnoxious, so my dear parents bought me a condo to enjoy peace in their own one. I honestly have no clue about housing issues in other parts of the world but around here I can drop on social security and will get the rent for a home like mine paid. To pay it myself I'd have to work full time. Link to post Share on other sites
Busrider Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 Edit: Teaming up with a romantic to live together seems more poisonous than living on my own to me, at least in the budged segment of the housing market. I appreciate a door to close between myself and the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Salted Karamel Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 I can see how you're drawing lines between your asexuality and your unfavorable living situation, but allosexuals could just as easily bind themselves to unfavorable living situations by following their sexual attractions to pair up with toxic people. If anything, I'd say they're at a greater disadvantage than we are. Link to post Share on other sites
Twigwilter Posted December 4, 2016 Author Share Posted December 4, 2016 Cheers for the replies guys. I agree that getting into a relationship just to escape a bad situation would be a terrible plan. I don't think I could pull it off anyway lol. Unfortunately most of my work happens in the summer, not that that rules out "gypsy style holidays"; I could definitely do with taking more of those ! It's reassuring to know there are others out there who are not all about the money and are not afraid to say they live with their parents by choice (there seems to be a lot of stigma attached to it still, despite it becoming more common). If it weren't for the complications in my family, I'd definitely be living at home by choice rather than through lack of options. Shared housing is a real minefield- I've had some really nice housemates along with some real shockers! Link to post Share on other sites
Twigwilter Posted December 4, 2016 Author Share Posted December 4, 2016 3 minutes ago, katydidd said: I can see how you're drawing lines between your asexuality and your unfavorable living situation, but allosexuals could just as easily bind themselves to unfavorable living situations by following their sexual attractions to pair up with toxic people. If anything, I'd say they're at a greater disadvantage than we are. I'd not thought of it that way Katydidd. I certainly know a few people who fit into that category now you mention it! Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 19 minutes ago, katydidd said: I can see how you're drawing lines between your asexuality and your unfavorable living situation, but allosexuals could just as easily bind themselves to unfavorable living situations by following their sexual attractions to pair up with toxic people. If anything, I'd say they're at a greater disadvantage than we are. I think this has more to do with other personality factors than orientation, or at least personality factors in significantly. It depends on how easily somebody puts trust in another. Romantic orientation may play a significant role, likely more than sexual desire alone. Economic circumstances (like the cost of living in the area, socioeconomic limitations, etc) will set the scene one has to work with. Health reasons may get in the way. There's just a lot at play here, and the distribution of reasons will vary from person to person. Asexual people are probably less likely to have children before stabilizing financially (at least asexual people who are aware of the orientation and don't pursue sexual relationships assuming it's required of the), which will be helpful in many cases. While I would be better off with a partner of equal financial stability to what I have now, my lack of other mouths to feed is a major factor in why I'm comfortable where I am. I live in a very small home, I only have to feed myself, and childcare isn't an issue. Friends of mine who had kids early on have much more to balance out, and they would not have had these kids if they were asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 I've never made much money, either when I was married with two children, or when I was raising two children after a divorce, or now after my children are grown, living alone. That had nothing to do with my orientation. Nor does enjoying living alone, as many of my friends who are sexual choose to live alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Nidwin Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 Not for me. Got a good job, rent a small modern appartment, do whatever I want to do and at the end of every month I've got a remaining amount of salary. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 I wouldn't have thought this to be the case. Granted if your not having to support a family there may be less incentive to advance your career, but on the other hand some may find it easier to devote time to a career. Ultimately, anyone, of any gender or orientation can find themselves in an environment they don't like Link to post Share on other sites
lapat67 Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 On 04/12/2016 at 4:13 PM, Twigwilter said: I'm 30 [...] I just wondered if this is a common problem among older asexuals [...] Twigwilter, I'm 20 years older than you, so I think of you as a younger ace. I think a lot of younger people like you live in precarious situations: unequality is increasing, there's so much more temporary contract work. I'd say that's more of a factor than orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
Ettina Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 I'm 27 and still live with my parents. That's more because of autism in my case, although if I was in a relationship I might be able to get the help I need from my partner instead of my parents. Then again, I have encountered so many single allosexual autistic people, so maybe I'd just be less happy with my current life instead of living a substantially different one. Link to post Share on other sites
AspieAngel Posted December 26, 2016 Share Posted December 26, 2016 I can't afford a place on my own so I have a roommate to split the bills with. Last year at this time I was homeless and ended up in the hospital for a month then into a nursing home, That's where I met my roommate. He is a couple years younger but we get along great, So we decided to get a place together to get the hell out of there at the end of June. So far it is working out quite well. He understands that I am asexual and that I have no more than a friendship interest in him. Link to post Share on other sites
CentaurianPrincess Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 I'm divorced and when I was married I was poorer than I am now and it was harder to find a good living arrangement. We ended up homeless and living in between relatives houses. When we had our own apartment we could barely afford food or to wash our clothes and food banks fed us. It was very depressing. We didn't belong together anyway and would have realized it even if we were financially stable. I'm glad to be single now. I'm about to move into my own place. I've been living with a relative the past 3 years and caring for her full time. I'm happy to move out again. Link to post Share on other sites
SeriousCyclist Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 It sounds like your problem is financially based, not orientation-based. I'd think that asexuals might have a little more difficulty in finding a satisfactory living arrangement, because their roommates are likely to be allosexuals, which is a different lifestyle from ours. That said, an asexual might be more likely to have a better living arrangement with someone with a non-heterosexual orientation, because the asexual would probably be more understanding and tolerant of that orientation when compared to what a standard, run-of-the-mill heterosexual might think about his or her non-heterosexual roommate. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 After my divorce in 1990, I took my baby daughter back home to my widowed mother's house and she was delighted to have her granddaughter. So much so, she moved with us to the big city again so I could work and support us, while she took a homemaker role. This lasted 16 years until she got ill, by which time my daughter and I were able to help her so we looked after her till she sadly died in 2010. Looking back, it was the perfect arrangement and since my daughter moved off to her own flat and job, I've lived here alone except for my cat, having given up a very well paid , but horrible job for a less well paid but cheerful one. Nothing lasts forever, so you may well find that your circumstances improve, I hope they do. Link to post Share on other sites
teatree Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 @chandrakirti, that is wonderful how it worked out for all of you. I had always hoped my mom could live with me at some point, but unfortunately she died before that could happen. My mom and I were like two peas in a pod, so I think we would have done well together. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Glad to know you had such a good relationship with your mum @teatree, bet you have some great memories. Link to post Share on other sites
Tanwen Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 My mum died in 2010 too - though to be honest it was a relief (and I feel awful saying that). She had dementia and was increasingly hard to live with, we couldn't get an initial diagnosis by our GP as she was deaf as a post and refused to wear her hearing aid; he couldn't refer her so I was left to cope alone. Link to post Share on other sites
RayahJ Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 At 25 and a new college grad, I find myself in a similar situation. I hope to get out soon, but finding full time employment, even with a degree, is difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
Sherlocks Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 On 12/4/2016 at 8:13 AM, Twigwilter said: I'm 30 and work on low paid temporary contracts which means that in between times I am forced to stay with my parents. The atmosphere at home is pretty toxic as my parents both have serious psychological issues so it's hardly an ideal situation to be in. I'm that bit too old to easily find friends to live with (they're all paired up) so I end up alternating between staying in shared houses with strangers when I'm working (sometimes good, sometimes bad, I never know what to expect!) and staying at my parents'. I think I avoid permanent work as I can get nothing local and, being a perpetual singleton, like to be able to connect with old friends in between jobs. I just wondered if this is a common problem among older asexuals; being forced into unhealthy living situations due to not pairing up/ not having the funds to live on their own? I feel like there's no easy answer to this as my chosen career doesn't offer much in terms of wages, I don't intend to change from a career that I like and I don't intend to pair up! I dont think this has much to do with your asexuality no. Link to post Share on other sites
InariYana Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 I live with my daughter, in rented accommodation, and work part-time. I can't afford much, but the job pays the bills and I'm able to save a little too. I like simple life anyway. I think I'm on autism spectrum (many people pointed it out to me that I fit the description, even my psychiatrist friend, but I don't think diagnosis would change anything) and that it's definitely a factor in me being underemployed and a bit clueless in the jobs world, even with a degree and some experience. Pairing up with someone could help build a bit more stable living base... but then again, what if the person was impulsive, unstable, lazy, very messy, had a spending problem - that would be a nightmare. I don't enjoy sharing a small living space with anyone but my daughter anyway, so I'd need to rent a bigger place with somebody and then it could work. Link to post Share on other sites
Éadweard Posted June 17, 2017 Share Posted June 17, 2017 I see most aces forcing themselves into unhealthy living arangements because many force themselves into relationships for the sake of having one. That's what the community pushes anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted June 17, 2017 Share Posted June 17, 2017 2 hours ago, Just like Jughead said: That's what the community pushes anyway. "The community" as in the asexual community, or society in general? Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted June 18, 2017 Share Posted June 18, 2017 Some members of society, particularly the more ignorant and narrow minded. The sort who say "you're adult, you're single, you're not looking for a date, are you a paedophile?" This has happened to me before Link to post Share on other sites
J. van Deijck Posted June 18, 2017 Share Posted June 18, 2017 not really for me, too. I don't live with my parents since I'm engaged and sharing life with my fiance. I have a job that I enjoy, too (not extremely well paid, but hey, I earn my own money!). I am free to express myself. my partner supports me in generally everything. maybe I was just lucky, but I'm happy and grateful for what I have in life today. Link to post Share on other sites
in.visible Posted June 18, 2017 Share Posted June 18, 2017 Ugh, I have lived in a shared flat before and that shit was pretty toxic, even though not as toxic as living with my parents, but I left them as soon as I graduated from school and I've never been back there. I'm an apprentice now which means I earn little money, but tbh it's wrong to believe that you can't live on your own. Idk where you live, but even I managed to rent a small apartment for myself (and it's relatively expensive even) and still have enough money for the month left. And I'd rather live alone than with anyone else. I might have a lot of issues, but living in a potential unhealthy environment is surely none of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Deus Ex Infinity Posted June 18, 2017 Share Posted June 18, 2017 Nope. I've moved out some years ago, living with one of best friends in a city far away from home. Link to post Share on other sites
birdybudge Posted June 18, 2017 Share Posted June 18, 2017 I don't see how an ace's living arrangements would be any *more* unhealthy than your average singleton, regardless of age. There are too many factors to be so specific. If sexuality has nothing to do with it, there are a lot of successful, happy single people out there who live on their own and who are not financially dependent on anyone else. The only difference is, they date, and we (usually) don't. I own my own flat, no mortgage, no dependency. Nothing can be tied down or limited so precisely -- thank goodness! Link to post Share on other sites
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