20/20- official page

[Silly Green Monkey]

The friend I watched it with (her house) understood perfectly, Cate and Liver's sexplay means as much to orientation as a gay person having sex with someone of the opposite sex. Doesn't change anything about themselves, besides their experiences.

[Brodertun]

My roommate watched it to - he can't figure out how two asexuals can be married, or how I can have gay asexual friends. I can't see why this is a block because he's lived with me for three years now, knows I'm asexual, and knows I like guys.

[a-d]

Is anybody watching for newly registered members? It hasn't jumped through the roof. So far, there's about a dozen over yesterday. I haven't watched the program, by the way. Of course, maybe I was right about the Homer Simpson thing. I guess it can't be all that bad. I just wonder who in my family saw it now...

[AmoebicMe]

Well, the messages on the 20/20 board seem encouraging. A couple are obviously AVEN folk, but I'm not sure about a lot of the others.

Anyone keeping track of membership spikes?

And has anyone recorded it for internet play?

[Brodertun]

Well, the messages on the 20/20 board seem encouraging. A couple are obviously AVEN folk, but I'm not sure about a lot of the others.

Anyone keeping track of membership spikes?

And has anyone recorded it for internet play?

I am the one who posted the thread yesterday. But then that was probably obvious as I just copied and pasted my post from here.

[Goonie]

we have had well over 100 members join so far because of 20/20... and it hasn't aired all over the US and parts of Canada

[AmoebicMe]

Well, the messages on the 20/20 board seem encouraging. A couple are obviously AVEN folk, but I'm not sure about a lot of the others.

Anyone keeping track of membership spikes?

And has anyone recorded it for internet play?

I am the one who posted the thread yesterday. But then that was probably obvious as I just copied and pasted my post from here.

Yeah. I was all, "Heeyyyyy I've read this before!" So yeah. But there was only one person who was all "haven't met the right person" on us. There were a few who were all, "hey that's me and I love it and hate the sex therapist!" Which is super rad.

And I haven't even seen it yet. For shame...

[Eta Carinae]

It's one thing to argue over whether or not attraction without drive or drive without attraction constitute asexuality; it's another to say that people who've fooled around in spite of themselves are asexual.

So... just because someone's had sex or decided to try it means they're not asexual?

No. However, these aren't people who are having sex because they're curious, or to please a sexual SO, or for another reason like that. These are people who are having sex because they've gotten hot enough for each other that they've overcome their previous perceptions of themselves and nearly had sex.

At least, that's how I'm reading their interview.

[maco]

The friend I watched it with (her house) understood perfectly, Cate and Liver's sexplay means as much to orientation as a gay person having sex with someone of the opposite sex. Doesn't change anything about themselves, besides their experiences.

wait so that was cate and liver? did they really quit aven?

[maco]

It's one thing to argue over whether or not attraction without drive or drive without attraction constitute asexuality; it's another to say that people who've fooled around in spite of themselves are asexual.

So... just because someone's had sex or decided to try it means they're not asexual?

No. However, these aren't people who are having sex because they're curious, or to please a sexual SO, or for another reason like that. These are people who are having sex because they've gotten hot enough for each other that they've overcome their previous perceptions of themselves and nearly had sex.

At least, that's how I'm reading their interview.

They could be mutually curious about the whole love/sex thing, so they tried out foreplay kind of stuff. Well, plenty of asexuals masturbate, so that's really no different from that...mutual masturbation.

Either way, they did admit that they still might not like it.

[a-d]

It looks like somebody's been recently pruning spammers. Our membership dropped by 40 or so in the past couple of hours...

[Goonie]

old spammers.. none from today.. yet

[Rae]

The 20/20 segment actually spurred me to register here, although I've never felt any great need to do so before. Of course, I'm not much of an internet community kind of girl, so it's nothing personal. Heh. But I must say, the sex therapist was quite annoying, and not what I'd call a good pick for the opposite point of view from the medical field, because little of what she said was based in science. As the segment said, not much study has been done. So really, you just had some chick mouthing off about asexuality without any substantial scientific proof to back it up. Not really the best counterpoint to the scientist who did do a study.

As for the couple who may decide, or may already have decided, to explore sex with each other, I also don't see why it would be a big deal to anyone or even undermine the idea of asexuality. If I were a regular part of this community - and who knows, maybe now that I've shown up, I will be - I personally would have no problem whatsoever in their continued participation, regardless of how network news shows decide to portray things.

I don't label myself "asexual", but neither do I label myself "gay", "straight", or "bi". I just don't label myself, and I live my life the way my brain and body want me to at the present time. I know that most people looking from the outside in would call me "asexual", but I've had sex with both men and women, because I wanted to learn, to know myself better, and when I met someone I cared about and sex was a part of their lives, I wanted to give them pleasure because I cared about them as people, and not because I wanted sex myself. I've not been particularly responsive at all when I've done it, and I haven't had much sex at all as a whole, going a decade without any and not even noticing. It's through those experiences that I've come to realize sex just isn't really in me - right now.

People who've been happily straight for years have met someone of the same sex who so bowled them over that they entered a gay relationship. The same is true in reverse. That's why I find labels difficult to pin to myself or to anyone else, including this one. Is the person who's been straight all their lives but falls in love with someone of the same sex now gay? What if they still have sexual responses to the opposite sex? Bi? What if that gay relationship lasts the rest of their lives? What if someone who's asexual finds sex with one person actually enjoyable, but still has a low libido and doesn't feel the same drive as the average human being, where sex between them is enjoyable, but not an integral part of the relationship? Are they still asexual? Does any of it really matter?

The thing that gets me is the general human desire to pigeonhole, to find answers, preferably clean, simple, cut-and-dried answers. Life's not like that. Sexuality isn't a pigeonhole system. I see it more as a psychedelic 3D graph. People can be anywhere on the x axis of sexual preference, and anywhere on the y axis of sexual drive. What's more, they're not stuck there for the rest of their lives, thereby moving their place on that graph in time, making it multi-dimensional. It moves and shifts as our lives and experiences move and shift. Labels can be peeled off, and the person underneath is still exactly the same human being at their core, regardless of what they do with their body parts and other people's body parts at one small, specific point on that graph.

Oh, and - hi there. Pleased to meetcha.

Rae

[Cate Perfect]

Just poking my head in.

They had 45-50 hours total of us talking. A good six hours of that was K and myself--they cut that down to ten minutes.

Also, I laugh at their choice of words. 'Passion' was nothing I would have said. We felt like: Ok, we're a couple. Couples are supposed to have sex... we fooled around. We didn't have sex because we didn't desire to and it doesn't matter to either of us if we ever do. If the whim takes us one day then we will. If it doesn't, we won't. The point of this site is for people to be true to who they are and do (or don't) whatever they truly feel is right for them.

If we do have sex it won't make us sexual--it'll just mean we tried sex. If a gay person sleeps with someone of the opposite sex--it doesn't make that person straight. If we had sex and then decided to make it a regular part of our lives (which I cannot imagine happening) then we'd be sexual.

Sex is what you feel. Not WHO you feel.

[AmoebicMe]

CATE!!! Oh how I've missed seeing your avatar! Do you think that you and Liver will ever return to AVENland? How are you guys? :D

[Cate Perfect]

:D Thanks! We're fine, we're fine. Karl should be moving here in a few weeks--end of May or so--and we'll be getting hitched shortly thereafter.

I might be checking in more. I don't know, really. I have a new job that works me half to death (but I like it, so that's something) and I'm one of the mods on the personals forum. I'm taking a backseat approach to that one, though--just checking in once a day or so to be sure everything's cool. Cash, Sapphire Assassin and Jesh are running the show, though.

I'm not sure I'd have anything to contribute here, really. I feel like I've said everything I have to say about asexuality (and other people here cover what I'd say anyway. ;) )

[Dargon]

Hi Cate, good to see you back again.

[Penumbra]

They had 45-50 hours total of us talking. A good six hours of that was K and myself--they cut that down to ten minutes ...

And out of all of that they chose to end on the 'ominous' point that you and Karl apparently acted like sexual people. This should have been given a better explanation, something similar to what you've said just now. As it is, though, they seemed to leave the story hanging on that fact. That's a little disappointing, given how much we anticipated this story to give some real credibility to asexuality.

[The Evil Cashew]

Nice to see you again Cate.

I thought the show was ok. I can understand how it may give the wrong impression about Cate and Liver but i blame editing. i don't think its fair. stupid TV. I wish there could have been more explaining of it or something...

i don't like how it was just cut off for a commercial and then a new story...

i also thought maybe there could have been more from th one person who did the study and less from that silly sex therapist.

i think it went allright. i am a bit disappointed in it but thats cause of how the topic was handled. NOT because of the participants. but good job to all who participated!!! *thumbs up*

Cate: YAY for Karl moving in may. good luck with everything

~Cashew

[Nugan]

I might be checking in more. I don't know, really. I have a new job that works me half to death (but I like it, so that's something) and I'm one of the mods on the personals forum. I'm taking a backseat approach to that one, though--just checking in once a day or so to be sure everything's cool. Cash, Sapphire Assassin and Jesh are running the show, though.

Does that mean it's not supposed to be a secret? I wasn't sure, because you decided to use a different username, so I didn't publicize your participation in the forum.

Hope you decide to come around AVEN more often.

Back on topic, I, um, didn't watch the segment. :oops:

[emmaseek]

Oh, it was good to see Cate and Liver and the gang doing so well :). Congratulations on your upcoming nuptuals, and good job to everyone involved!

Having just watched the 20/20 segment myself, I admit to being a bit disappointed with the way they spun/edited all that footage. It's important that the opportunity for dialogue be out there, though, so in that sense it's all great news. It wouldn't make for good TV to show asexuals talking about their masturbatory habits and what they think about, if anything, if they DO have sex, lol....

I hope to show this to my mom someday.... I've already come out to her as bi, but she might prefer this option instead! Haha....

[Goonie]

I checked out 20/20's page. The segment is in the Hot Topics category.

[Cate Perfect]

Does that mean it's not supposed to be a secret? I wasn't sure, because you decided to use a different username, so I didn't publicize your participation in the forum.

Hope you decide to come around AVEN more often.

Well, I wasn't sure what my stock would be and I didn't want to bring the tone of the personal site down if people were hating on me.

I'll probably be lurking a bit more, but I don't know if I'll have anything to contribute that others haven't already said.

I'm not thrilled that they made it sound like we left because we're not asexual--it was for reasons that had nothing to do with that. I'm getting parts of my life back together now so...

Anyway: *waves to everyone*

[Nugan]

Well, I wasn't sure what my stock would be and I didn't want to bring the tone of the personal site down if people were hating on me.

I'll probably be lurking a bit more, but I don't know if I'll have anything to contribute that others haven't already said.

Well, there really isn't much to do for anyone involved yet. That will probably change as more people post profiles. If you do have any ideas on how to improve it, don't hesitate to let me know.

I'm not thrilled that they made it sound like we left because we're not asexual--it was for reasons that had nothing to do with that. I'm getting parts of my life back together now so...

I just read over the article on the segment, and I immediately thought, "Wait a sec, that's not why they left." That was more than a little screwy on thier part.

Over all, I like the fact that this has given us publicity and helped some people discover asexuality, but the segment itself sounds like the kind of shallow, heart-strings pulling stuff that one would expect from a network newsmagazine. Hopefully this will raise our visibility enough to get some more serious news shows and puplications to take notice of us.

[starrysky]

The wacky sex therapist is apparently taking questions about this episode at this webpage: http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=1759769&page=1

I submitted one saying that her statements on the show seemed to be geared towards either you are sexual, or you're a person who just doesn't know they can like sex yet. What if you are not "narrow-minded," what if you've had all kinds of sex and you're still not into it? What if you've seen a therapist, been checked by your doctor, there is nothing wrong with you, THEN are you asexual?

It was much longer than that and it might have been a bit snarky towards what she said on the show (which she deserves because her comments made the whole thing seem black or white with no shades of gray), so I doubt it'll get picked to be answered. But some poor schmuck has to read it and accept that I do exist, so HA!!

2014 Mod Edit - For future reference:

Sex Therapist Q&A

March 27, 2006

Is sex something that some people can simply live without? "20/20's" JuJu Chang reported on a growing number of people who classify themselves as asexual. They say they're living happy lives without any sexual activity.

Sex therapist Joy Davidson suggests that asexuals may want to explore underlying psychological or physical issues, before labeling themselves asexual.

Lisa in New Jersey Writes:

I am 19 years old, and I've been having a lot of trouble convincing my parents that I do not experience sexual attraction. After watching the asexuality story on "20/20," my father looked at me during your comments and gave me a very snide "See?" as if he feels that I should force myself to do something that I have absolutely no interest in. Is there anything I can say to my parents that will make them understand that sex just is not for me?

Davidson Responds:

I hope you can see the weird humor in having a dad who says, "Be more sexual!" while most of your friends' folks are probably saying, "Wait!" But I would hate to think you're rebelling against your father's pressure. Rebellion may be part of growing up, but knowing when someone has a good point, (even if it IS your dad!) is part of being a grown-up. In this instance, your dad is picking up on the idea that lack of interest in sex can be based on something other than an irreversible condition called asexuality.

I totally believe that you're not inclined toward having sex right now. But do I know for sure that you will never be interested? Not without a crystal ball. We all develop sexually at different paces. Some of us are sexually precocious, and some of us are late bloomers. Just because someone is in her late teens or early 20s doesn't mean she is necessarily in full bloom. What you feel now may not be who you are so much as where you are in your own unique cycle of development. By labeling yourself too soon, you run a serious risk of mislabeling yourself, then feeling duty-bound to live up to it.

There's no doubt that when you feel like an outsider, when all your friends seem boy crazy or girl crazy and you're not, you'll want to gravitate to a group that better reflects where you stand. I'd be down with that 100 percent if the group in question stood for accepting how you feel right now but also supported the possibilities for change. I'd be more comfortable, too, if the group offered education instead of an "if you think you are, you are" approach to the matter of asexuality. Lay psychology is sometimes intuitive and smart, and sometimes more about inclusion than pure wisdom.

In addition to the timing of sexual development, there are plenty of other legitimate reasons that someone could feel asexual without being in a permanent or irreversible state. The short list includes endocrine imbalances, history of trauma or abuse, subconscious negative attitudes about sex, fear of being swept up or losing control, depression, anxiety, and the effects of undiagnosed medical conditions. Some people might even just like feeling "special" or "unusual." In fact, there are so many convoluted possibilities that only a trained person can help you sort them out.

Is it scary to dig around in your emotional and physical recesses? Good grief, yes! But when you have another 70 or 80 years of life ahead of you, don't you owe it to yourself to spend a few of them doing that kind of excavating? Even if, in the end, you are more convinced than ever that you're incapable of being attracted to anyone, male or female, at least you will have come to that conclusion after educated and responsible consideration. I'd really like to see you give yourself the advantage of time, and, ideally, have at least a few sessions with a qualified sex therapist so that you can talk about all your feelings beyond the pressure imposed by either your family or your peer group.

Cecelia in San Antonio, Texas, Writes:

We've been married for 13 years and haven't had sex in over 11 years. Looking back at the first year of our marriage, I realized I had been the one to initiate anything physical. It was my second marriage, and I have one child; it was his first marriage and we met, got engaged, married and went on a weeklong honeymoon all in less than three months. Before we married he claimed to have too much respect for me to resort to sex before marriage. We have wonderful vacations in remote and romantic settings; we love to cuddle. We sleep late on the weekends and take afternoon naps together, but on his part there is absolutely not a hint of desire or passion much less sex, I've seen the uninterested look on his face and his less than willingness to touch me anywhere! I sometimes wake up in a panic, knowing I will never in the boundaries ... of this marriage have the pleasure of sex again. I married at 39. I am now 52 and extremely frustrated!

Davidson Responds:

Unfortunately, you can't "work out" a sexual problem with an unwilling partner. What you can do, however, is tell your husband that you love him dearly but don't want to live a sexless existence forever. You need make no apologies for desiring a new level of intimacy in your relationship. Let him know you understand and respect the fact that he has blocks and resistances to sex with you , but that you'd like to explore them with him in counseling. If he is willing to consider couples therapy, don't wait another day. If he is not, I urge you to get counseling for yourself. You deserve some help in considering all your options and making clear and responsible decisions about your future.

This is a good place to mention that I highly recommend that anyone who chooses to see a sex therapist select one who is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. AASECT's standards for education, training, and supervision are rigorous, and knowing that someone is AASECT certified is the only way to be certain that they have the qualifications you need in a sex therapist. Many general therapists call themselves sex therapists because they talk to clients about sexual matters, but the only gold standard for training and certification among sexuality professionals is AASECT. A therapist in your area can be found on its Web site at www.aasect.org.

Frederick in Pennsylvania Writes:

I am 56 years old. I have been married for 11 years. My wife and I have not had sex or any affectionate relations for many years. We have a 17-year-old son and an 11-year-old daughter. We rationalize and claim that we do not want to divorce for the children's sake. Recently, we realized that we are not diplaying an accurate representation of the type of loving relationship we would want our children to experience in their lives. Any suggestions ?

Davidson Responds:

I applaud you for realizing that staying together for the sake of the children may not be doing them a real service. The absence of touching, kissing, and general physical affection -- not to mention the void in romantic energy between you -- offers your children no reliable template for intimacy. If you do plan to stay together, you need to get serious about rekindling the romantic and affectionate side of your relationship. If doing it for yourselves seems awkward and embarrassing after all these years, think of it as a hurdle you need to leap for the children. This may be where "for the sake of the kids" actually means something!

There are many books that can help you find direction, including David Schnarch's "Passionate Marriage." You will probably need some counseling as well, since change of this nature can be difficult even with help, and head-spinning without it.

If you're unable to re-ignite intimacy within your marriage, counseling can help you separate in a way that supports your ongoing relationship as co-parents and generates the least amount of disruption or insecurity for your children.

Karen in Cincinnati Writes:

I had sex numerous times in my 20s and 30s (I am currently 43), but I only did it because the males in my life wanted it. Sex has always been extremely uncomfortable for me. I guess I could say that it hurts. However, I have performed it because the men in my life wanted it.

My husband, though, is not asexual, but has an EXTREMELY low sexual libido, and has chosen to be abstinent concerning sex with me. So, we had sex a very few times when we dated, but we haven't had sex one time since we have been married because he knows that sex is painful for me.

Even though sex is painful for me, I can become aroused with the "right" movie, etc. I can also get "hot" with kissing, etc. However, I can only remember getting aroused one time in the five years we have been married and it was when I was watching a movie.

So, should I go to a doctor again to see if there is a way for me to have pain-free sex, or should I just be content with my asexual lifestyle or can you recommend another solution for me?

Davidson Responds:

We live in a culture that is saturated with sexual images, yet it is pitifully devoid of real sexual education for young people, which translates into a poor foundation for adult relationships. Uninformed teens grow into adults who may spend years, even decades, basing relationships on the minimal or incorrect information they accumulated as youngsters. Today's emphasis on abstinence-only education leaves many couples without basic knowledge about how their bodies work or what to expect in a relationship. Much of your own suffering -- as well as your husband's -- might have been prevented had you acquired comprehensive information about sexual health and pleasure. Nevertheless, I'm so glad you wrote now! You've described a complex situation, but there are two points that stand out: First, no one should ever have sex that is painful or even uncomfortable. Pain is a symptom that something is amiss and needs attention. And having sex because someone else insists is a surefire way to feel disempowered, which can erase whatever authentic desire you might otherwise have felt. If you were having sex you didn't want, then you were certainly insufficiently aroused and lubricated, which could have caused sexual intercourse to be painful. In addition, certain medical conditions also make intercourse -- and sometimes even gentle sexual touch -- painful. Given your background, the precise cause of your pain can only be determined by a thorough sexual history and physical exam.

I would urge you to see a doctor, but, this time, be sure to see someone who is well-trained in the practice of sexual medicine and comfortable discussing the extent of her expertise working with patients who have sexual pain conditions. Anyone who is reluctant to have this conversation with you or doesn't supply satisfactory answers is not the right doctor.

The second key point is this: Many people think that sexual desire is supposed to hit like a bolt from the blue; that a woman should merely look across the room at her partner and feel overcome with sexual urgency. If she doesn't feel that way, she may imagine that there is something wrong with her or with her relationship. The reality is quite different. Many people -- especially women in long-term relationships -- feel desire only after they have experienced sexual pleasure and arousal. So, a long, lovely kissing session, or the right kind of caresses, or the mental stimulation of an erotic movie or conversation, could initiate the arousal that leads to a desire for more. However, building up arousal to the point where you are ready for intercourse -- physically and emotionally -- can be a slow process. Many women simmer "on low" for a long time before their heat begins to rise. Along the way, any disruption can turn the flame down and leave her cold. A partner who rushes, the experience of pain, even a major mental distraction can snuff out the fire. Anybody who has had only a few poor sexual experiences may conclude she is just not very sexual, when, in fact, it is pretty healthy not to feel sexual under circumstances that are uninspiring, counter-erotic or unpleasant!

I hope you'll see a doctor about your pain, as well as learn more about your sexuality by taking advantage of the many resources -- books, films and Web sites -- that provide exceptional adult sexuality education. I have a list of some of the very best sources on my Web site, www. JoyDavidson.com, and invite you to have a look. You'll also find answers to nearly every sexual question at www.LoveandHealth.info. And the AASECT.org Web site has referral information to sex therapists and a list of excellent sex education books written by its members.

Chuck Writes:

Is it possible to become asexual after you've been married eight-plus years, with a child?

Davidson Responds:

It's certainly possible to lose desire for sex in a long-term relationship, but losing desire is not the same as being asexual. People who believe they are asexual claim they have never had interest in sex.

There are many reasons why a woman would turn off to sex -- some are medical or hormonal but most have to do with the changes in her relationship. Lack of trust or feelings of anger and resentment can play a huge role. So can the inability to communicate sexual needs or have them met by your partner. Illness, depression, anxiety and certain medications can also have an impact.

Complaints of ebbing sexual desire in marriages, whether by the female or male partner, are the most common reason that people visit sex therapists. You are not alone in your frustration or sense of loss. I'd like to suggest that you look through some of the reading resources I've suggested, and then perhaps contact aasect.org for a therapist referral. Best of luck!

Molly in Naperville Writes:

I have been married for two years, and I have never had an orgasm. I had two sexual partners before I was married and never had an orgasm then. I am in my mid-20s and starting to think there is something wrong with me. My husband and I have a healthy sex life, but the fact I have never had an orgasm comes up every so often. I am sort of OK with the fact that it hasn't happened, but in the back of my mind I know it bothers my husband a lot. I feel guilty. I don't blame either of us. ... I just want it to happen once or occasionally. I could really use some advice on this topic. Please help.

Davidson Responds:

You don't say how you're trying to have an orgasm, so I'll presume that you're going for the Big O during intercourse, which is the least likely way to achieve a climax. Rest assured, there is nothing wrong with you; only about a third of women have orgasms during intercourse. The vast majority of women have them through separate oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris. Even women who do climax during intercourse often require simultaneous clitoral stimulation. However, if you're an "orgasm virgin" the cooperative choreography required to master that can be tricky.

Learning to orgasm is much easier as a do-it-yourself project. Once you become adept at self-pleasuring, you can share your newfound successes with your partner. For step-by-step help, pick up a copy of Lonnie Barbach's classic book, "For Yourself, or Julia Heiman's "Becoming Orgasmic" or my book, "Fearless Sex."

Donna in Spokane Writes:

In 1993 I began suffering from pain in my neck. After a year of tests, CTs, strange behavior and projectile vomiting, I was referred to a neurologist. He ordered an MRI and found two, large fluid-filled cysts on the frontal lobes of my brain. During this time my libido had diminished significantly and caused a rift between my husband and me.

After brain surgery to drain the cysts my personality was back to normal but not my libido.

It has been 13 years, many doctor visits, counseling and a divorce and still no libido. I have accepted it, but my ex-spouse still blames me for his impotence. "Use it or lose it." I have not been able to get any answers from doctors or counselors. In fact, no one seems able or willing to help me solve the reason for this loss.

My ex has proposed remarriage, but I'm hesitant, as he will want to have a sexual relationship, and I don't even want him to touch me in a sexual way. I have gained a lot of weight and have difficulty losing it. I believe it's my way to avoid being sexy. That hasn't thwarted him. I am so turned off.

Davidson Responds:

It might help you to understand that libido is not a commodity that exists in isolation, separate from your psyche, body and spirit. So, rather than talk about libido the way we'd talk about blood pressure, let's talk about the desire you feel, or don't feel, for the very real person with whom you are considering signing on for life again. Given the anger and recrimination in your relationship, it puzzles me why either of you would consider remarrying one another, but under the circumstances, I'm hardly surprised that being sexually intimate is a turnoff. In fact, I'd be more worried if you were turned on by someone you believe still blames you for being ill and sees your suffering as a sexual inconvenience. Your best bet is to find a new therapist who can help you clear your sexuality of its toxic associations with your ex so that you can reclaim your own sexually and sense of desire.

[The Evil Cashew]

let us knwo hwo that turns out starrry

~Cashew

[dyyanae]

I sent the therapist a note too. Short, just refuting a few of her 'theories' and asking why she felt the need to be so derisive. I'm not really expecting a response... though it would be the polite thing to do.

[Rae]

I also sent this:

I have the distinct impression from Joy Davidson that she assumes most or at least many asexuals haven't actually done that physical or psychological exploration. That's incorrect. Many of us have done just that, and the answer remains the same. Certainly there are likely people who decide to call themselves "asexual" who have personal issues that contribute to it, but then, that's true of some individuals within any sexual (or non-sexual) orientation. While sex may be, for Ms. Davidson and the majority of the human race, extremely pleasurable and something worth pursuing, that's the very internal reaction I don't have, and it's a matter I've personally investigated in depth. After having explored sex with both men and women whom I loved, as well as exploring the matter with physicians and therapists, I've concluded I'm not one of those people who feels about sex the way Ms. Davidson does. Many of us don't reach this conclusion willy nilly without personal exploration first. I can have and do have close, intimate, loving relationships with the people around me, and have felt quite content without feeling any need to have sex. Based on Ms. Davidson's initial evaluation then, how do I and the many people like me fit into her personal picture of asexuality?

Perhaps it will be polite enough to be considered. Heh.

Rae

[a-d]

I have the distinct impression from Joy Davidson that she assumes most or at least many asexuals haven't actually done that physical or psychological exploration. That's incorrect. Many of us have done just that, and the answer remains the same. Certainly there are likely people who decide to call themselves "asexual" who have personal issues that contribute to it, but then, that's true of some individuals within any sexual (or non-sexual) orientation. While sex may be, for Ms. Davidson and the majority of the human race, extremely pleasurable and something worth pursuing, that's the very internal reaction I don't have, and it's a matter I've personally investigated in depth. After having explored sex with both men and women whom I loved, as well as exploring the matter with physicians and therapists, I've concluded I'm not one of those people who feels about sex the way Ms. Davidson does. Many of us don't reach this conclusion willy nilly without personal exploration first. I can have and do have close, intimate, loving relationships with the people around me, and have felt quite content without feeling any need to have sex. Based on Ms. Davidson's initial evaluation then, how do I and the many people like me fit into her personal picture of asexuality?

That's very well written. I couldn't have said it better myself. Hopefully that gets somewhere!

[yam]

ok, again i'm always tangential, new membership after 20/20 airing is now up to 260.