Challenges in Queerplatonic Relationships

[Sunflowerfield]

Hi everyone!

I'm in a bit of a challenging situation, as I met a platonic cuddle buddy through Reddit and we got along so well that we both decided to have a queerplatonic relationship. However, neither of us are actually asexual or aromantic in orientation.

I think the biggest challenge is that we are very emotionally attached to each other, but we aren't compatible for a romantic/sexual relationship for various reasons. We know the other person could start dating someone else, and end up having less time to spend with us. We both also admitted that we would experience feelings of jealousy and sadness if the other person started dating someone.

I'd be curious to know whether any of you have navigated similar situations in queerplatonic relationships. How do you balance your QP relationship with other significant relationships, especially romantic/sexual relationships? How do you work through feelings of jealousy?

Personally I would like to either marry a Christian guy, or have a platonic, celibate relationship with a Christian woman (or someone of another gender). I really feel a strong need for an exclusive, permanent and committed relationship, so my situation with my QP partner feels insecure and a bit unstable.

My QP partner is a woman but she is not a Christian nor is she asexual/aromantic, so being in a long-term celibate partnership does not satisfy all of her needs. Also, I would prefer to be in a long-term committed relationship with a Christian, regardless of gender.

I would like to hear other people's perspectives and experiences with these things.

Thanks in advance! :)

[Anime Pancake]

I think friends with benefits describes your relationship more than platonic relationship. Relationship means "we are in a relationship, don't date anyone else" (poly relationships excluded)

You two are saying you can date other people, so it's more of friends with benefits unless you two make it a relationship. If you make it a relationship you wouldnt worry about them getting in a relationship.

Some people can do friends with benefits, other people relationships more.

[Dodecahedron314]

Not sure how relevant my two cents are here, but here they are: something sort of similar happened to me over the summer when my QPP got a boyfriend fairly soon after we "officially" became QPPs (though realistically speaking we'd already practically been in a QPR for at least a year by that point anyway). I don't place nearly as much of an emphasis on exclusivity or anything like that as you appear to, so I wasn't particularly that thrown off by it in the first place, but for me the key was keeping in mind that different sorts of relationships fill different sorts of emotional needs. You're already aware of that fact by the sound of it, if you acknowledge that it's still entirely possible that either you or your QPP could wind up in a romantic relationship even though you already have each other queerplatonically, and so if you're looking for a way to accept that in the context of your relationship with her, it's important to remember that both of you have those needs that the other can't quite fill but someone else might be able to, and so if that sort of arrangement is necessary for you or her to be happy, it's possible to see that positively by recognizing that it's a matter of both of your happinesses--the more fulfilled you are in other areas of your life, the more you can be present in your relationship with her as well, and vice versa.

Hope you could find something useful in that--good luck! :cake:

[Star Bit]

I think friends with benefits describes your relationship more than platonic relationship. Relationship means "we are in a relationship, don't date anyone else" (poly relationships excluded)

You two are saying you can date other people, so it's more of friends with benefits unless you two make it a relationship. If you make it a relationship you wouldnt worry about them getting in a relationship.

No. Virtually everything is a relationship; the word is not just for romantic partnerships. QPRs are Queerplatonoic Relationships. FWB could be used to describe platonically sensual relationships, but that phrase is usually used for sex (or sometimes just to makeout). And even then, FWB is also known as a Casual Relationship, so again, thats a relationship too. QPRs can be exclusive, or have many QPRs, or have one or many of its members in romantic relationships.

@OP

Um, when you say you'll get jealous... why is that exactly? Because of the less time? Or exposure to a new person? Platonic jealousy is a thing, but if you're getting jealous over someone else doing what you do with them then... that sounds like maybe one/both of you are harboring (perhaps unrealized) romantic feelings. So I'm just saying, you're sure neither of you feel romantically? Not every crush is at the same intensity or includes the same desires. You not making a good sexual/romantic pair is irrelevant to having romantic feelings. Or maybe this is the factor clouding that realization? I mean, it's the very reason ppl get into FWBs; to avoid drama because romantic feelings normally follow with jealousy and fighting. So in this regard, FWB wouldn't be the right term for a QPR.

[*kit*]

This may be too serious a commitment for you and your QPP, but what has worked for me is to make a commitment with serious queer platonic partners with whom I want a lifelong commitment to consider each other to be family. This is a queer cultural concept of family as historically, many queer people were rejected by their blood family and couldn't legally marry their romantic partners so close friends and sometimes ex-lovers formed a bedrock family of choice.

For me, being family means that any new romantic partner doesn't have to love them but they do have to accept them as a nonnegotiable part of my life. My understanding of family carries certain expectations beyond simply receiving attention such as always being welcome at the table for holidays and emotional and financial support in emergencies. I've experienced initial flurries of drama between QPPs and romantic partners but it has always sorted itself out over time. Even conservative people seem to understand and acknowledge your relationship when you simply introduce the QPP as "my friend whom I consider to be family".

Again, this may be too serious a level of commitment for you and your QPP unless you really do want a serious, lifelong relationship. Whatever you decide about your level of commitment to each other, if one of you starts a new romantic relationship, it may be helpful to try to be understanding if they aren't as available as usual for an initial 2-6 week honeymoon period with their new person. This is normal and doesn't mean they are abandoning you, just that new relationship energy is very distracting.

[Sunflowerfield]

Thanks so much for the replies! I really like the idea of committing to each other as a family member - like a sister. :) I'm really glad you brought that up *kit*.

We both have Anxious-Preoccupied attachment styles, which means we both tend to experience feelings of anxiety, fear of abandonment and some degree of jealousy in our closest relationships. I've experienced jealousy in other friendships before, too.

I realised that I think it's not so much the idea of her having a boyfriend that bothers me, but the idea that she might suddenly disappear into a relationship and forget about me - and I might end up very lonely and isolated.

My conclusion is that I need to balance out this relationship by finding more platonic cuddle buddies, as she is my only platonic cuddle buddy and I think this exacerbates the problem. I also want to expand my friendship network to make a few other close friends so the dependency doesn't become too extreme.

Working on my own personal healing and aiming for a more secure attachment style is also a big part of it, so I'm planning to find a psychologist/counsellor soon to help me on that journey.

[Sunflowerfield]

I would still be open to hearing from other people though!

[Star Bit]

I realised that I think it's not so much the idea of her having a boyfriend that bothers me, but the idea that she might suddenly disappear into a relationship and forget about me - and I might end up very lonely and isolated.

Sounds like normal platonic jealousy. I felt the same thing when my best friend suddenly said he had a second bestie whom he'd known since Jr high and we only knew eachother from that year; been going by besties for a few months (and she went to our high school too). After having time to process it i realized i was afraid of losing him; my only close friend, to someone who may have known him better-- and also mad my bestie hadn't told me sooner.

[Sunflowerfield]

Yeah, I've had a couple of other close friends mostly disappear into romantic relationships in the last 12 months, and now I don't hear from either of them nearly as often. :( I think I still feel a bit sensitive after those two events, and I'm afraid of that happening to me again any time soon.

It's also complicated by the fact that I have a chronic illness that prevents me from working and studying right now, so I get isolated and depend on my closest friends more than others. I depend on them quite a bit for social and emotional reasons, but in the case of my QP partner I also depend on her for practical help when I am quite unwell.