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Disgust and/or anger at receiving love/affection


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Someone asked about this on aven once.

Some people sometimes feel anger or disgust or even fear when another person expresses romantic attraction towards them, even if they are capable of feeling romantic attraction towards others.

I later googled about it and found this page.

http://www.psychalive.org/why-people-respond-negatively-to-being-loved/

It says we feel this way because we do not expect to be loved that way and respond negatively due to a break in our perceived reality. I find it a plausible theory.

But is this a romantic orientation or a trauma induced anomaly? Or in my case, anxiety caused by dysphoria?

In any case, I find it most uncomfortable. ):-( I also feel like a jerk.

I guess that's why the lyrics of Nature Boy made quite an impression on me; 'The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.'

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im aromantic and ive recently noticed that when someone shows interest in me, my response is a silent, bemused, you do you, buddy type feeling.

when someone else thinks that I like someone? thats when i get mad. who do they think they are?!

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NerotheReaper

I wouldn't say I feel disgust or angry at being loved/shown affection, but I do question if the love/affection is real or not or if they are bsing. I am used to being on my own. So I am more skeptical of affection if anything.

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I got really pissed when I realized that my guy friend was romantically interested in me. But that was because I had been legitimately demonstrating friendship towards him, and he deliberately chose to ignore my intentions in favour of his own interpretations. He also demonstrated significantly pronounced misogynist and homophobic views.

He ignored facts for his own assumptions and was a terrible person. And also I felt used, because I had sincerely demonstrated friendship, and mentioned it multiple times. Instead, I was turned into some object to be courted. So yes, I was furious.

Maybe I didn't have the right to be angry. Maybe I did. Maybe he felt angry too, because his own feelings weren't reciprocated in the way that mine wasn't. I don't know. I do know that I have no problem being loved, romantic or otherwise. The problem comes when the other party expects the love to be returned. Because that's not love anymore.

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myself I feel. I know what love is, and I feel it, and I feel it towards everyone, and I feel it towards nature too. sometimes with people who are close to me, or with creatures or nature that is dear to me, I feel it stronger, I guess? it doesn't quite make sense that way tho, not that it is stronger, but that it is felt stronger.

so in this way, I realize that I love pretty unconditionally, the only things that change are what inhibit my feeling of love towards people and towards nature.

I care about people in a way that isn't love, and that is something that changes alot if I get close to someone, and it's something that I tend not to feel towards natural things, except maybe places I spend a lot of time in, or sites that are especially beautiful for me, or items that I feel affectionate towards because of long-term quality of use.

so when a person says to me, "I love you" I am confused, because of course they love me. why does it have to be said? and I feel scared because I wonder if they're about to do or say something I won't like, or maybe they feel as if I might not love them, and that scares me too. and I don't like telling people I love them, because no one is special, I love everyone. I will happily tell the people I care about that I care about them, because that is special. but love? why do I need to say this, I don't like feeling forced to say it. I don't like the idea that people's closeness to me depends on whether or not I express my love.

over the years I have restricted my heart. I know that I love people. but I do not feel my heart like that so often any more. when I think about my love, my heart hurts, or is numb, and I hate that, but I'd rather have that then feel love because love feels like a curse, but only because other people are clearly different from me, and that makes me feel alone.

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I wouldn't say I feel disgust or angry at being loved/shown affection, but I do question if the love/affection is real or not or if they are bsing. I am used to being on my own. So I am more skeptical of affection if anything.

Along with not thinking you deserve it due to negative self-perspective, another reason it can happen is because the person is not used to kindness/affection.

(link)

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I react that way because it's annoying and disruptive. There's a 100% chance I'm doing something far more important and enjoyable at the time and don't want you to force me to deal with your attraction.

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fatal flower-boy

Hello!

Seeing this topic made me really excited because I thought this was just something that only I struggled with because it seems like a really weird reaction to have. You would think that some people would be happy that someone shows interest in them. I don't get "hit on" quite often, but when it does happen, I find it threatening. Just downright uncomfortable. Kinda of like a "leave me alone/stay in your lane" feeling. The idea of it is nice, but when it happens to you, it's not really what it's made up to be like. :| I guess this would be aromantic feeling? I honestly only want affection from my parents and friends. Anyone who shows affection for relationship purposes... NO. :c

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  • 1 year later...
Luce.smoosh

Up until now this has been a factor in my life I've been avoiding, just hoping that one day I'll be ready for a relationship. The guys I've been dating just aren't the right ones. But actually I think it's different than that now. When a guy I had been dating was excited to see me return from my time away travelling I became angry, he wanted to spend time with me and was giving me a lot of cuddles and kisses, this made me almost repulsed, I physically had to distance myself from him touching me. It was this point I thought maybe I'm not normal. I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago to see if it's something that could be 'fixed' and she said that maybe I just don't want a relationship.

I develop good relationships with friends, but as soon as anything develops and I feel it's heading in a more intimate direction I cut it off immediately and have no problem removing them from my life all together.

apolgies for the ramblings! But I'm so happy and relieved to see that I al not on my own in this!

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EmotionalAndroid

In college a friend of mine told me on the day before our graduation he liked me more than a friend. I recall being so upset that I really didn't want to go to the ceremony because I didn't want to even see him, knowing he looked at me with more than platonic affection. I know it was a total overreaction, but the reason I was upset was because as an aro ace, I just want friends. For a few years I thought I had one, but it turned out he wanted more and I was angry. I felt I lost something. A few years later, I did feel guilt about my response, even though I did tell him I wanted to stay friends. I just felt sorry for him, really, as it must have been hard to muster the courage to say it, then have me turn him down.

 

But yes, disgust really factors in to my response as well. I don't think it is because my brain feels I am incapable of being loved, but I just don't like being objectified like that. To think that someone would want to kiss me or more is revolting. Possibly the fact that I am a touch-averse Autistic factors in here. Recently such an event happened where a guy I had a squish on crossed the line (not with me, but with someone else) and I reacted by not doing something I wanted to do just to avoid that kind of attention from him.

 

 

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I'm also really glad this thread exists, I thought no one else went through this. 

 

I had an ex who would try to do romantic things all the time (stare into my eyes, write love letters, bring flowers etc) and I was absolutely repulsed by it. I would think harsh thoughts like doesn't he have anything better to do and what a loser and I felt so awful thinking these thoughts. But to me love letters are childish and gross, I had no idea other people thought they were sweet and adorable. I felt so much relief when I ended that relationship because I knew I would never be able to be that romantic person that he needed. I tried to write a love letter back and I felt physically ill. I tried to kiss passionately and look at him like someone in love might do. It just made me feel fake. I cared about him in a platonic way, he was sweet and kind. I wanted to hold his hand and get ice cream together, but he wanted more than that, and I knew it wouldn't work. The worst was trying to say "I love you" back when I knew I didn't love him. 

 

So yeah, I do get angry when people show romantic interest in me. It makes me feel bad, but I am just so romance repulsed which is strange because I'm not sex repulsed at all. I just get horrified because I think I'm gonna have to fake love again, and I've tried to do that so many times in my life and it's so detrimental to me because I feel like a liar and I start to hate myself. 

 

It's odd because I don't mind flirtation at all and find it semi fun, but as soon as it moves into romantic territory I get grossed out. 

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lilgroundhog

Romantic affection terrifies me.  I don't mind so much when is another couple, but if there is any chance it could be towards me, then I get really uncomfortable.

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verymelancholic

I honestly feel really uncomfortable, yes, a bit disgusted and angry, but more on fear and panic. I don't really like what people consider romantic. Doing or receiving romantic acts sends me into a panic. Sometimes I even ask to myself why they even care to love me.

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I actually like it when someone has a crush on me, but only if I don't like them back. I've had fantasies where someone confesses their love to me and I reject them. It makes me feel like I have some kind of power. If someone I like shows interest, it makes me uncomfortable. 

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GutsyCowardLep

I have a hard time describing my emotions and a lot of times they come out harsh or sarcastic.

 

I have had people try to get close to me and push them away though I'm not the most trusting person.

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Rather than disgust or anger, it's more like... Fear. If someone likes me, I try to manipulate them into thinking how bad I am as a person, and start to hate me. I don't like when someone tells me that they like me, even though I am craving to hear it inwardly. This fear of mine makes my relationships rocky. 

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I must say it all depends on whether you feel bothered/disgusted by displays of affection in non-romantic situations or not. I myself have experienced such feeling all through my high school years, and eventually realized how it was a romantic-only fenomenum, absolutely no subjacent trauma  underling this crave for fresh air whenever someone so much as flirted in my direction. I would let people be touchy with me if they were family or friends, but not in the case of non-platonic interest, because I knew - and I know - that romantic attraction, when pushed towards me, feels like someone is attempting to get to my intimacy by breaking the rules. Its like forcing a square toy brick into a circular hole: doesn't happen because it isn't' correct. What I intend to say is that everybody feels different, and whatever this different is, it's the right choice. It's painfull to fight your own truths, so you're better off not doing that. You are not any more of a jerk for being wired differently, than people are for pushing plugs into your socket. Ok, now that souded weird, but moving on.

 

For further understanding, try devoting some attention to spot what kind of romantic settings are the most disturbing, be it being hugged or touched, flirted with, etc. I believe, and my overall lack of experience might be drawing wrong conclusions out of me, that dysphoria-related anxiety would find in physical affection a greater trigger that in other types of romantic acts. I used to keep a journal on romantic/flirtatious acts perpetrated against me, this eventually turning out to be my "coming-out-aro-to myself" experience. For me, this entire hassle was the discovery of a romantic orientation. I hope you undertand what it means to you soon.

 

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I'd say it's more fear than anything else. As a platoniromantic I only understand love between friends and not the kind of love between partners. Being platoniromantic has, in the past, led to me attempting to become a partner with someone to maintain their friendship and has never worked out. When someone tells me they love me or looks into my eyes in a romantic way or makes some kind of romantic gesture my heart just sinks as I know I can't reciprocate. It's almost like colour blindness to a romantic love. Now I understand my asexuality and platoniromanticism I don't get into such situations anymore.

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On 8/2/2018 at 10:27 AM, Salmiakki said:

I actually like it when someone has a crush on me, but only if I don't like them back. I've had fantasies where someone confesses their love to me and I reject them. It makes me feel like I have some kind of power. If someone I like shows interest, it makes me uncomfortable. 

Wanting to have power over someone like that sounds mean, but yeah I get it. I’ve not been in that position yet, well not really, but I can see how it would feel good to have that even though sexuals wouldn’t understand.

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  • 2 months later...

Hey guys. I’m new here. I recently realised that I am aromantic, but I never thought feelings like repulsion and disgust towards romantic affections are signs of it. It made me super happy and relieved when I found this thread.

 

On a more personal note, I can recall times during my high school years when I had to constantly endure feelings of mortification and anxiety whenever my boyfriend did something in public to proclaim his love for me. He was an incredibly loud and showy kind of guy and enjoyed presenting me with flowers and gifts in front of everyone else. He liked sneaking in sweets and chocolates under my desk with cute little messages on them and I remembered all my other girl friends were swooning and sighing in admiration and envy. They kept telling me how lucky I was because my boyfriend was always so sweet and affectionate. But I remembered feeling confused because honestly, I could not understand their point. It made me feel terrible for a long, long time even after we broke up because it seemed like I never reciprocated his feelings.

 

Sigh. I guess now I know better.

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I can't say I HATE romantic gestures so much as I find them unnecessary. I don't need the candlelight, dinner, flowers etc. I like spending time together but I'd rather...I don't know...go camping...take a long drive through the country or whatever.

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Putting this out there, because some might identify:

 

Lithromantic (also known as akoiromantic or apromantic) is a romantic orientation on the aromantic spectrum. Somebody who is lithromantic can feel romantic attraction towards others and also enjoy being in romantic relationships but only in theory. They do not need the affection to be reciprocated, and as such do not usually feel compelled to seek out a relationship with someone they are interested in. Some lithromantics may also stop feeling their romantic attraction once in a relationship.

Someone who identifies as lithromantic can be romance repulsed, romance indifferent / neutral / apathetic towards romance, or romance positive. Like with any romantic orientation, lithromantic individuals can have any sexual orientation.

Due to controversy of appropriating lesbian culture, the term has been reclined to be akoiromantic, as well as apromantic.

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Hmm I don't like it when anyone shows romantic interest in me. It makes me feel pretty uncomfortable, but it only makes me upset if they are pushy and are aggressive about wanting a relationship/hookup when I don't. When people can't take no for an answer and still behave sexually/romantically towards me it makes me very angry.

 

After reading through everyone else's comments, even though some are quite old, it made me happy to see other people felt this way! I had a lot of friends that just didn't get why I was unhappy with being hit on and men/a couple of women talking to me romantically. I just wanted friends, but neither my friends or the guys hitting on me could understand why I wouldn't want more. I legitimately love being single and just can't feel romantic/sexual attractions to any genders, and a lot of people just don't get why I feel the way I do so it feels nice to see others that understand!

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Being shown romantic interest is not what sets me off...  It is when they don't take "No, go away," for an answer.  Modern culture (movies, TV, etc) has turned "No," into "You aren't trying hard enough."  Which is very annoying.

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  • 7 months later...

When I think I have developed a crush on someone I feel confused. I get platonic and romantic feelings confused. I’m always confused about how I feel. Do I like them do I not. And when I say I like someone at times I feel repulsed by it and other times I don’t. I’m just like is there something wrong with me. One day I’ll like this person and the next thing I know I’m repulsed by them. I also hate getting a crush it feels like I’m suffocating it’s like the worst feeling. If I confess I just do it to get it off my plate. I never expect to get my feelings accepted like I just don’t like it. Only once have I ever told a crush that I wanted to get to know them but at the same time I was hoping for rejection but also not?? But I also was repulsed by this person. I don’t get it. 

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  • 1 month later...

I don't really feel anger, but when someone shows affections towards me, I cringe to the point where both my past relationships didn't last too long because everytime they try to be sweet, it just makes my fingers curl and I"m actually very confused because I feel like I didn't really actually love-love them like I feel like it's only an infatuation. Please help me

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  • 1 month later...

I would say from my point of view i don’t necessarily get disgusted or angry. I’m more like uncomfortable and anxious when someone have a crush on me. I remember when i was on my first education year there was a guy(i won’t say any names) who was somehow interested in me. He would slide his fingers on my neck and chin which made me feel very uncomfortable. I don’t think he had a crush on me but i think it was his way to show kindness to me. But i didn’t like it. I hate when someone do that to me whether it’s from strangers, my own family or friends. It also makes me uncomfortable to touch a man or a woman or being touched by them especially those areas where it’s no go to touch(like my neck, stomach, back, legs, chins, breasts, butt and my genitals). But normally when someone ask me to go out dating i reject them. 

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