Tell me a funny story that happened to you

[Waist of Thyme]

I'm in the mood for funny stuff. So use this thread to post funny stories that you've seen or have happened to you.

[Guest 222]

We had an indoor Pomeranian for a while when I was in middle school. I guess one day I left homework papers on the coffee table, which is literally right next to the couch, and I later was greeted to shreds of paper. To keep me from getting in any trouble or for people thinking I was telling an obvious lie, my father had to go to the school that morning and tell them that the dog really ate my homework. He told me they laughed at him for at least a minute.

There was also one point where Pokemon go had just come out. I was still in nurse aide school then. A few days after it came out, we had to write on a paper what our goals would be when we graduate/when we move higher. Those were to be read at graduation. A friend I had while going there wrote her dreams which went as follows:

"I want to be the very best. Like no one ever was. To catch them is my real test. To train them is my cause. I will travel across the land, searching far and wide. Each pokemon to understand, the power that's inside.
Go Team Mystic!"

She wasn't really going to hand it in since she wasn't going to graduation (she graduated but going to the ceremony isn't required). So, I had the brilliantly dumb idea that I would hand it in. But I guess they read these things before hand so one day I was called back and had to write a new one.

[King Al]

I was on a bungee run today. You should google that. I think you should google that. It's funny.

[Zema]

I was with my friend at the mall (an outdoor mall) and I was waiting for him to finish talking on the phone. While he was talking on the phone some pidgeons gathered around us because I was eating pringles and the pidgeons were eating the crumbs. Anyway, one of the pidgeons flew in front of my friend's face so he put his arm up so he didn't get whacked by its wings. Upon doing this the pidgeon decided it would land on his arm. But it doesn't end there. He kept his arm up so that I could take a picture, and while I was doing this another pidgeon landed on his arm. I of course had to take a picture of this.

Blurred his face for privacy reasons.

[Music & Lyrics]

My sister and I decided to make this cake where we needed eggs and peanut butter. So we got eggs in a normal supermarket and then went to find organic peanut butter in the wholefood shop, which is a small locally owned business where everyone can see all the stupid things you do.

They'd put the peanut butter in a different place for some reason and we were crouching down trying to find it. It took maybe a couple of minutes of this before I realised I had been crouching directly on the eggs, which were now a sticky swamp oozing towards the shelves where they threatened to contaminate the vegan products. I approached the one on-duty shop assistant, a taciturn man my parents know vaguely, and asked him for something to clean up with. Rather grumpily, I thought, he brought me an old newspaper. My sister and I began to soak up the eggs with the newspaper as best we could, and went back to the guy to ask for a bin. No bin - we had to carry the dripping paper across the shop to dispose of it outside.

Finally, wishing that sticky no-longer-vegan floor would swallow us whole, we lined up to pay for the peanut butter. No sooner had my sister handed over the money than she dropped the glass jar and watched it shatter, liberating 500ml of crushed peanuts and oil to join what was left of the eggs.

[cavalier080854]

When I was in the British Army in Germany, the battalion I was with, invited a detachment of Americans to see what mechanised infantry can do. As I was the engineer responsible for maintaining electronic equipment I was at the minesweeping demonstration. After the ranger threw a coin in a field, he proceeded to find the coin. Then the Q&A started. American - "Does this thing work on ferrous or non ferrous metals?". Ranger - "No, it works on batteries." Cue laughter all around.

[J. van Deijck]

I don't know if this is particularly funny or not, but I recently met my mother's friend who's been abroad for several months and just came back home. She saw me and said "Oh my God, you have become so pretty! I must admit you have never been pretty at all, but now...".

Yeah, okay. tell me something I don't know XD

 

her sincerity just made me freeze for a few seconds before I burst out laughing. I just didn't expect anyone else but myself to be that sincere

[Red Sun Rises]

Okay... Sooooo...  Here goes.  Whether or not y'all find this funny is up to you but DANG was it hilarious to live through!

 

Bout 8 years ago, I'm in late high school and it's May, closing up on Memorial Day.  My dad's family is from hillbilly West Virginia, and every Memorial Day weekend their hometown has a Woodchoppers Festival (props to whoever can tell me what town that is lol), so that year we went as we'd done a few times before.  My family never really took vacations when I was a kid, and if we did they were to visit family.  One true vacation that I can remember was to Amish country in Ohio.  Anyway...

 

So we travel down on Thursday morning, early, and check into our hotel about noon, get settled, etc.  The plan is to stay until Sunday morning and drive back so we can visit family graves on Memorial Day (another yearly tradition).  The hotel is about an hour from my Nana's house (closest hotel, there's too many people in my nuclear family to stay at her itty bitty house), so we head over on Thursday evening and have dinner, chat into the early night, then go back to the hotel.  Friday we get up and go after breakfast, and the rest of our extended family is scheduled to show up that day as we have a big cookout and Festival adventure planned for Saturday.  

Saturday rolls in, the past two days had been pleasant and uneventful, full of laughter (y'all who don't have hillbilly family don't know how funny we are), and the few of us who wanted to did our foray into the Festival for a few hours, then came back in time to eat everyone's cookout food (that we strategically skipped helping to cook, hehehehehe).  My mom, not being a West Virginia hillbilly but rather a DC-area native, was unused to the way this food was cooked (only ate it every couple of years in small quantities).  But my mom loves food, and I mean she LOVES food - family of fatties, what can I say? - so she's getting a little of everything: addictive-as-crack cornbread, god-damn-good green beans, poke-me-with-an-iron-stake-and-leave-me-for-dead-cuz-ive-gone-to-heaven barbecued pork, cant-stop-eating-them collards, etc.  She's especially enjoying the collards - my mom, besides loving food, is a greeeeeens person for reasons unknown.

 

So we've all eaten, and I'm playing with younger cousins on the hill next to the house.  We're doing this jumping game - can't remember what exactly it was, but we were jumping pretty hard - and guess what?  I really needed some Tena or something cuz I wet my pants like a geriatric with all that jumping.  I come back up to the house where the adults are and go up to my mom like "mom... mom I think i peed myself playing with the kids" (being the only responsible older cousin, I was watching them for the adults).  She, of course, starts laughing at me and asks if it's bad, because she doesn't want to have to drive the hour back to the hotel.  And I'm like... "Yeah... I need to change my clothes."  She's still laughing at me and tells me to go use Nana's bathroom, check, and come back if it's all that bad.  So I do, and it's bad and I don't want to start smelling like piss in the middle of my relatives who will loudly make fun of me, which will make me laugh and possibly pee my pants more, which will start a cycle I really don't want to enter into. 

 

So I go back to my mom and I'm like "look, yeah it's bad can we please go back to the hotel?" and she's actually looking a bit uncomfortable herself.  She goes "Yeah, lemme tell your father.  I can feel my bowels moving and I don't want to stink up the only bathroom here." so we get into the truck and start easing down the road.  I'm sitting on a towel so I don't get pee on the cloth seats, and mom's squirming like mad in the driver's seat.  I'm like "what's wrong?" and, well, her sensitive digestive system didn't like the fact that she'd eaten so many greeeeeeens and was rebelling against her.  She was trying desperately to hold it in.  We're both desperate and speeding down the road, and as soon as we get to the hotel my mom is just in a bad place.  She can't move or it'll come out, she can't stay or it'll come out, what do do?  So I grab a jacket from the back of the car and I'm like "Look we just gotta speed-walk through the hotel, up the elevator, hope no one's in it, and get into the room."  I went over to her side of the truck and got my jacket ready to wrap around her waist if she shat her pantaloons... which...

 

SHE DID.  HOOOOOOOOLY GOODNESS THE SMELL!!!!!!  IT WAS LIKE A SEWER HAD SEX WITH A SULFUR MINE AND GOT PREGNANT WITH DEATH.  I mean it was suffocating.  I about died, lemme tell ya, and that is not the way I want to go.

 

So we speed-walk it through the hotel, smile and wave at the front desk people, spreading our lovely sh*t aroma for all to share in its glorious fragrance.  Elevator was thankfully empty, so we hoofed it to our room, mom showered and changed her clothes, and about 30-45 min later we were fresh as daisies and ready to go back to the par-tay.  So we casually walked back down the hall to the elevator, and our noses were enveloped in a cloud of flowery-fruity airspray scent.  We walked out to the car - the front desk people were gone - following the scent through the foyer, all the way to the front doors, and managed to make it to the truck before breaking into peals of uncontrollable laughter.  Better to inhale chemical fruit than natural poop, amirite?

 

We laughed about that for years.  I still chuckle when I think about it.  Hope it entertained y'all as much as it did us xD

[Lovrina]

13 minutes ago, Red Sun Rises said:

IT WAS LIKE A SEWER HAD SEX WITH A SULFUR MINE AND GOT PREGNANT WITH DEATH.

oh my god, I'm choking. you have a phenomenal way with words

[Red Sun Rises]

On 4/11/2017 at 1:03 AM, Lovrina said:

oh my god, I'm choking. you have a phenomenal way with words

Thank you, thank you xD

[StormySky]

I was at summer camp when this happened. My friend dared me to eat watermelon with mustard. So I did. Someone said something funny as this was happening, I started laughing  and ended up getting a chunk of mustard watermelon stuck on my vocal cords. My voice sounded like spongebob was inhaling toxic fumes, and I'm a devoted choir kid who had just made an audition that year. We all had to go outside after lunch, and my friends and I went to the clearing by a stream to try to get me to cough it out. We were at the point of having too much laughter and sugar and we were all losing our minds. My bunk mate started slapping me on the back and we were all doing yoga (for some reason) So one girl started flicking water from the stream at me saying, "drink some, it came from Buffalo" (she meant the town) I thought she meant the animal and I said, "Eww, no that's bison pee!!!" So we all started screaming bison pee for absolutely no reason. Bison Pee became our capture the flag battle cry. And yes, I did end up coughing up the icky chunk of watermelon. 

 

We still joke about this to this day. I can't even eat watermelon without thinking of this some days.

[Amathy]

In a college chem lecture

 

Professor (lectures): "I don't know about you but-"

 

student (singing): "I'm feeling 22"

 

class: (laughs)

 

Professor (confused): "What?"

 

lecture derailed

[SorryNotSorry]

Another radio ham buddy and I were talking to some older ham in another county, and this guy was an authority on how bluish light from cities interferes with astronomy.

 

I made some crack about "as long as they're not flashing red lights", and he found this hilarious.

[Lemonsky]

This happened many years ago, when I was on the first or second grade if I remember it correctly. Once I was having a sleepover at a friend's house who has an older sister, and in the middle of the night I apparently sleepwalked and wandered into the sister's room and into her bed and stayed there for the rest of the night. The sister didn't want to wake me up so she just went to sleep on the couch in the living room.  It was surprising and a bit embarrassing to hear about it on the following morning.

[Yatogami]

My co-worker tried to convince me to leave another co-worker behind at the petrol. He tried to convince me he had walked back etc. Missing coworker was no where to be found. I waited a bit, but we were on a job so I knew I couldn't leave him behind. I pulled into a parking space, then it occured to me to check the boot. The missing co-worker, was tucked in it, andwas laughing his ass off. Apparently they were testing me to see if I'd leave him behind so they can poke fun at me later. Their plot was foiled by my intuition.