pinklemon Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Hello there. I'm a female, soon to be 26 years old. I identified myself as bi-sexual for years (probably since my early teenage years) but now recently I've realised I have never experienced sexual or romantic feelings for others. It kinda makes me upset as I think I'm both... I'm pretty new to this so would like to have some advice. I've told a few of my closest friends and they're like: "You just haven't met the right person!" or they think I'm joking/depressed. Some reasons I think I'm asexual: I enjoy masturbation and reading erotica but I do not wish to have sex in real life. I only masturbate because it makes me feel good and while doing it I rarely think about sex. I've had sex but only so I could make my partner happy. I don't think I'd ever miss sex. I was talking about this with my friend and he asked if I had ever thought if I'd like to fuck someone.. and the answer is no. I might find people attractive but it's more like oh he looks handsome or she looks cute but I never imagine having sex with them because I think it would ruin it. I kinda see sex as a fantasy that I know in real life is disappointing. I can think lots of other things I'd rather do than sex.. eating, walking, visiting museums, talking with someone for hours, laughing together etc.. Some reasons I think I'm aromantic: I recently realised I have never had a romantic crush. I've just had squishes. Like I have this one male friend and I definitely have a squish on him.. like I imagine we become very close friends. I don't see a point in being romantic relationship. The couples I know always seem to be fighting and arguing.. relationships seem too much work! I mean I never argue or fight with my friends and I definitely think friends are the most important relationship one can have. I've also never enjoyed things like cuddling, hugging etc. I remember when I was together with my ex I hated cuddling/sex but loved simple things such as watching TV ( basically things you could do with a friend too) But at the same I am afraid of being alone... :( I'd like to have a platonic relationship but I guess that is impossible :( Quote Link to post Share on other sites
pinklemon Posted October 11, 2016 Author Share Posted October 11, 2016 Hello there. I'm a female, soon to be 26 years old. I identified myself as bi-sexual for years (probably since my early teenage years) but now recently I've realised I have never experienced sexual or romantic feelings for others. It kinda makes me upset as I think I'm both... I'm pretty new to this so would like to have some advice. I've told a few of my closest friends and they're like: "You just haven't met the right person!" or they think I'm joking/depressed. Some reasons I think I'm asexual: I enjoy masturbation and reading erotica but I do not wish to have sex in real life. I only masturbate because it makes me feel good and while doing it I rarely think about sex. I've had sex but only so I could make my partner happy. I don't think I'd ever miss sex. I was talking about this with my friend and he asked if I had ever thought if I'd like to fuck someone.. and the answer is no. I might find people attractive but it's more like oh he looks handsome or she looks cute but I never imagine having sex with them because I think it would ruin it. I kinda see sex as a fantasy that I know in real life is disappointing. I can think lots of other things I'd rather do than sex.. eating, walking, visiting museums, talking with someone for hours, laughing together etc.. Some reasons I think I'm aromantic: I recently realised I have never had a romantic crush. I've just had squishes. Like I have this one male friend and I definitely have a squish on him.. like I imagine we become very close friends. I don't see a point in being romantic relationship. The couples I know always seem to be fighting and arguing.. relationships seem too much work! I mean I never argue or fight with my friends and I definitely think friends are the most important relationship one can have. I've also never enjoyed things like cuddling, hugging etc. I remember when I was together with my ex I hated cuddling/sex but loved simple things such as watching TV ( basically things you could do with a friend too) But at the same I am afraid of being alone... :( I'd like to have a platonic relationship but I guess that is impossible :( Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Phantasmal Fingers Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Hello! :) You sound aro-ace to me - welcome to the club! However... When you say you want a relationship that is platonic do you mean non-sexual and non-romantic? Or do you mean non-sexual with romantic feelings that are not expressed physically either through sex or in other physical ways? If the latter you could be lithromantic, i.e. you don't need any sign of reciprocation. But if you want some sort of physical expression of romance then obviously you're not aromantic. Although I am aromantic I think its possible for me to feel romantic feelings in the sense that friendship can be romanticised in a way that is positive and not unrealistic. Like spiritual friendship in a religious context, for example. The problem though is that the usual meaning of the words romantic and romanticised don't actually describe this feeling so it's surprisingly easy to lose sight of it or miscall it romance in the standard sense of the term and be left with a nagging sense that something doesn't fit somewhere. I'm very happy being aro-ace, have never wanted a relationship and am happy not to have had one. There was a time when I almost fell for the rest of the world's idea that I did want one... but there's a difference between thinking you ought to want one and actually wanting one. I'm just fine the way I am now. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
pinklemon Posted October 11, 2016 Author Share Posted October 11, 2016 Hello :) When I say platonic I mean strictly non-sexual and non-romantic. I don't mind friendly hugs etc but holding hands or cuddling makes me feel effing uncomfortable! Just no. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mikeman7918 Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Why do you say that it's impossible? You should look into queerplatonic relationships (QPR's), they are basicly platonic relationships where you may live together and get closer then friends normally can maybe even getting married for the tax benefits yet there is no romance or sex. And yes, you do sound like an aromantic asexual based on your description. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Phantasmal Fingers Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Okay, you're definitely aro-ace! :) So how do you feel about this? You're first post implies you're either not sure and feeling trepidation about admitting this or you're buying into the sexual-romantic's predominating viewpoint that you must be miserable if you don't want or like what they do. In my experience you don't need to spend very much time in either of the above positions... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 I've told a few of my closest friends and they're like: "You just haven't met the right person!" or they think I'm joking/depressed. Yah, some people can react that way. But some can't understand what they don't experience themselves, and you can't always make them come to understand either. To them you're asking them to comprehend the number zero; they can't comprehend "never" when its so basic/essential to their mentality. You just have to accept their ignorance and move on. Btw, nothing you said discredits you as asexual or aromantic. And a platonic partner isn't impossible; some aromantics are satisfied with having friends, close friends, best friends, or a queerplatonic relationship (QPR). There are asexual and aro meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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