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Indigo

A question for the Sexuals on this board

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Indigo

(I'm not certain whether I should post this here or in the "Asexual Relationships" section, but as the title indicates, I'd like to get the sexual perspective here.)

I just recently started a relationship with a Sexual friend of mine. (It's still in the very early stages, but I don't "fall" for people easily, so I would like to make this relationship last as long as I can.) He knows and accepts that I am asexual. Likewise, I understand that he is sexual, and that he has certain needs.

My question is this: at point should we begin to discuss boundaries and compromises? I know it's too early for the issue to have come up yet, but I assume that it will, sometime in the future. (Especially with those "spring hormones" that I've heard so much about right around the corner.) I don't want to broach the topic prematurely, but I also don't want to wait so long that he starts to feel frustrated.

Additionally, does anyone have suggestions on how to broach the topic in the event that it doesn't come up naturally?

Or am I just thinking too far ahead of myself again?

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sonofzeal

I'd say that once you're in a relationship, it's time to have that talk. It's probably inevitable at this point that something is going to come up along those lines, so you want to head that off before anything happens.

"Remember how I told you I was asexual? I just want to make sure you know what that means for our relationship, so there's no problems later on."

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platonicsolid

any relationship that's worth it's salt is going to be built on things much more substantial than sex. i known sexual relationships where people have a gone as a long as 6 months without having sex from the beginning. i would say though that if you are open to having sex you should let the guy know that at least its a possibility just so he knows. the details will get sorted out along the way. good luck.

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sonofzeal
any relationship that's worth it's salt is going to be built on things much more substantial than sex. i known sexual relationships where people have a gone as a long as 6 months without having sex from the beginning. i would say though that if you are open to having sex you should let the guy know that at least its a possibility just so he knows. the details will get sorted out along the way. good luck.

I've known ones that have gone for far, far longer than that without getting physical, but then I know a lot of the "no sex before marriage" types. Still, if you wait until it becomes an issue (in a week, a month, or a year), there's going to be hurt feelings involved. That's why I suggested doing it now rather than later.

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Indigo

Thank you both very much for the input.

Any other opinions/suggestions/what-have-you out there?

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platonicsolid

when im a relationship i put a lot of importance on what i call declarative communication. what this means is that i don't want to have ask the right question to hit on that one thing that is going to be a deal breaker so try to get the big things out of the way early to avoid silent "waiting for the right time to tell him" kind of situations. i think people should know enough about themselves to be upfront with who they are just like sonofzeal said.

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MaraKarina

Hi Indigo,

It's really difficult to say when to speak to your friend because there are times that it is just too early and would sound kind of odd.

In general though, I would suggest you explain about the situation as soon as possible to avoid too many feelings are being hurt.

Of course, the earlier the more risky that your partner will quit. But that must not necessarily be so.

Bear in mind that many sexuals in relationships with asexuals sincerely love their partners and want to stay with him/her but find it very difficult to live, on the part of sexual women often with "side-effects" of putting on weight, depressions, loss of self-esteem, feeling a lack of closeness. Therefore they deserve to know in time to be able to make a conscious decision rather than feeling deceived.

Mara

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Desert_Rose

I think that if your in a relationship, its time to start talking about things like that.

Even in a sexual sexual relationship its important, and Id say probably even more so if your trying an asexual sexual relationship.

Good communication is the key to a good relationship. (And.. that really applies to all areas as well... not just the sexual ones)

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Nyssa

It differs from relationship to relationship, but I think this kind of conversation would be best brought up when you're feeling comfortable with each other. There have already been boundaries set in that you know he's sexual, he knows you're asexual, so there aren't going to be any embarrassing situations in which he tries something and you're all, 'Ahh...actually...'

At the same time, I agree with everyone else that the sooner, the better. He's already ahead in that he knows you're asexual, it's just a matter of knowing the details and setting those boundaries. It goes without saying that communication and honesty are basic essentials of all relationships.

If it doesn't come up naturally...hmm. Maybe start with a reminder of the conversation you had when you told him you were asexual, and that you'd like to discuss that further. :)

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zyralm

.

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AmyMorgan

Even though everyone has already said everything that I wanted to say, I just want to underline that you should do it as soon as possible. Especially if you're older than 16 years old, because after that line, sex is pretty much expected in relationships.

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Hallucigenia

16 years old? Really?

*hides in the tiny little sexuals-who-don't-want-to-have-sex corner*

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sonofzeal
16 years old? Really?

*hides in the tiny little sexuals-who-don't-want-to-have-sex corner*

Hey Hallu, is there room in that corner for two?

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Hallucigenia

Sure there is! Glad to have your company.

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Cate Perfect
I'd say that once you're in a relationship, it's time to have that talk. It's probably inevitable at this point that something is going to come up along those lines, so you want to head that off before anything happens.

"Remember how I told you I was asexual? I just want to make sure you know what that means for our relationship, so there's no problems later on."

I second this, strongly. That way you'll both know what the other expects/thinks. Ideally, you'd discuss it before getting in a relationship in the first place so there'd be no confusion, but if you're already involved I'd say sooner is better than later. That way there won't be hurt feelings due to misunderstandings later on.

Prior to the conversation I'd work out what you're willing to do/not do so you'll know what you want to say when you discuss it.

(And congrats on the relationship!)

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Busrider

If you're discussing, don't talk about what might under certain circumstances be a bearable compromise.

Give strict guidelines and clear "No"s.

At the beginning males feel insecure too, later they consider most things free / selfservice.

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coolfrequency

you've already talked sexuality, enough for him to know that you consider yourself asexual and that he is a sexual person. Seems like that would be a good time to bring it up, in that conversation. Of course, if you've told him that you are asexual, I tend to think that he's probably not going to be expecting much by way of sex. He's probably had the debate in his head "is she worth giving up sex for?" or, figured out how he's going to deal with the fact that he won't be getting it from you, and somehow decided to stick around. You might casually bring it up eventually, "So, how are you feeling about the fact that this relationship won't be involving sex? Is that at all important to you, how do you deal with that?"

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Indigo

Thank you all so much for your advice. Unfortunately, I still have not gathered the courage to broach the topic, but hopefully that will soon change. Seeing as my "lose my nerve at the last minute every single time" strategy has thus far been unsuccessful, I plan to talk to him as soon as we finish our schoolwork for the evening. (By which I mean I'll jump at the opportunity to talk as soon as he's free.) I realize that this sounds like I'm just going to change my mind at the last minute (AGAIN), but at this point, I've gotten so frustrated with myself that it just may work. I like the idea of starting with the topic of asexuality, and I've been practicing how to start the conversation.

And Nyssa, your Dalek icon is amazing.

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Jesh

go indigo! go indigo! rahrahrah! *bounces around you with pompons*

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Xenon
cheerleader3.gif

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Indigo

Well, it worked, and with an unexpected twist. He actually feels the same way I do. I believe I may have actually, through some amazing bout of good fortune, stumbled into a relationship with another asexual.

Thanks for the support. You guys were exactly right. ^^

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sonofzeal

Wow! What are the odds, huh? Of course, he could just be saying that to put you at ease... but regardless, congrats!

So are you gonna bring him to AVEN some time? =D

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spinneret

*wanders in*

Hey, fantastic! Congrats and good luck, Indigo! :cake:

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Indigo

I'm fairly certain he was being sincere. (I don't think I've ever been so happy to hear someone say that they don't find me sexy. :wink: )

On the off-chance that his feelings do change, the original purpose of the conversation was to open the topic for discussion/communication. I appreciate the concern, though.

And now that you mention it, I think I did give him the address to AVEN once.

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Hao
Well, it worked, and with an unexpected twist. He actually feels the same way I do. I believe I may have actually, through some amazing bout of good fortune, stumbled into a relationship with another asexual.

So lucky! It's really great! please accept my newbie-congratulations ^^

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inona

I think your story shows that it's really important to talk about this *up front.* Had he not shared your view, he would have had the option to end the relationship and find someone he could be sexual with.

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