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Seeking advice for "love mania"


wcclark

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Hey, I'm so glad I found this place.

So, let me go ahead and talk a little bit about my life. I'm a college professor and proud boyfriend of a sweet and loving asexual girl. I'm definitely a touchy-feely person that has deeply enjoyed his share of sexuality and intimacy in his past. For a year and two months now, I've been very happy in my asexual relationship, with the occasional bout of sexual frustration here and there (which we always could talk about and figure out together). She is very anti-touch, hates kissing, and sex is pretty much just out of the question; which I do my very best to understand.

But this last weekend was really weird for me. She and I are getting ready to go to a wedding this Saturday, and I decided I really wanted to spoil her, so we went dress shopping, shoe shopping, etc etc. and I saw just how beautiful she looked in all those dresses. I'm used to being physically attracted to her and know how to cope with that, so that wasn't too bad. But when she hugged me and put her head on my shoulder to tell me "I'm the best boyfriend in the world," I went into what I call a love mania. I feel so sappy and lovestruck that I want to express my love to her in so many over the top ways - including wanting to kiss her and hold her and all that stuff I know she doesn't like. When I enter into one of those manias, I find myself more frustrated and helpless to my emotions, and it takes a bit of time and mental exertion to get myself down from my high, often giving me an evening of depression or upset to recalibrate my feelings.

I'm just curious, is anybody else like that? If so, do they have any advice or thoughts on this sort of situation? I've fought it since we've first started dating, and I would love any support that I can find for it.

Also, hey, thanks for letting me talk about it. Not easy to bring this up to friends and family. :)

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No, to be honest, I don't know that anymore. Whenever I interact with my girlfriend, I'm so deep in my zen, that only urges that I allow can even pop up anymore. When my girlfriend does things like that (and she has very often recently), I just get soppy and sad and bittersweet happy, but I don't feel any "mania".

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Hello, wcclark.
I think, I know what you mean, even though our situation is pretty different.
My partner isn’t against hugging or kissing, and we even make out, but he always is the active party, so there’s almost nothing I can do to physically express my feelings or gratitude for all the pleasure he brings me. And when I try to be active, as careful as I am, there’s a very thin line between him showing no excitement at all and… something that makes me feel as if I almost raped him. That leads me to feeling very guilty (for wanting to please him – cool, huh?) and I quit trying for some time.
It helps me to remember that we feel things very differently. For me, trying to be sensual with him would be like yelling right in his ear – pretty much painful. So I do my best to make him feel good at his “volume” and channel whatever extra passion I have somewhere else – even posting here to support other asexuals helps in some way. Other things include cooking for him, turning the city upside down to find the thing he needs or likes – even if I fail, it takes enough of my energy that I can come back to him calm and… dialed-down.

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Obviously it's hard to say if the thing I've felt before really is the same that you're saying that you feel, but if it is (if nothing else, I've definitely felt something like it) then I've only felt it once. It lasted for two days, give or take, and it was . . . very intense. There were some things I used to do my best to channel my feelings, and they helped a little bit. I wrote in my journal and preeeetty much fangirled, I read any romance-whatever I could find, I talked a little bit to my friends (but not too much--I didn't want to be one of those people who got a crush and did NOTHING but talk about the crush), etc., etc., etc. I never tried meditating, but it's possible that that could happen, too.

Maybe this helps! I know if I had that same feeling and pretty much just sat there on the couch I'd explode inside.

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