Partner (sexual) tells me regularly how different he wants me to be.

[Sally]

Look around AVEN and right now you can find threads where asexuals are telling other asexuals who are already out that it's okay to actively look for sexuals to date while concealing their sexual orientation until the sexual is ready to make a serious commitment.

Absolutely disagree with this. Most of the "when to tell" threads say that at least by the second date. Some of us say we should tell people immediately. Whenever an asexual says something like "tell when it looks like the relationship is serious", a whole bunch of asexuals jump on that and say that's not fair.

[Guest]

I'm of two minds on this. In an ideal world, I don't think that major relationship terms should be renegotiated. I think it should lead to an immediate break up, like Gretchen suggests. Want to become poly instead of mono? Realize you're asexual or don't want sex, or realize you don't want kids (if you've agreed to have them), if a partner comes out as trans, or any other major change. Immediate break up and space. For better or worse, our emotions and our inertia are going to make a lot of people agree to changes that they never would have agreed to had they just met their partner. If you never wanted a poly or sex less relationship, then you should only be in one moving forward after sufficient time to, independently, reassess your needs, wants, etc. If the two people want to get back together once they've had time to reflect, great! I bet most of the time they won't.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it... I wouldn't be with my partner today if she was willing to let me go kindly and easily... but when someone seems to think they'll never have love or happiness without you, it's a hell of a lot of pressure, and it's not like there's not already pressure to please your partner. So yeah, in an ideal world, all major changes should start with a break up.

That's just not realistic, unfortunately. The only realistic policy is for people to patrol their own happiness. It's much, much harder in practice than in theory.

And yeah, asexuality should be immediately disclosed. Every reason for not disclosing amounts to a desire to trick or trap, but the youngsters don't see it that way because they have no experience... once they do, they'll start disclosing immediately.

[Snao Cone]

I firmly hold the belief that breaking up is not a last resort, and that both parties are equally responsible for initiating it. We need to be less judgmental towards people for the reason they break up a relationship.

Break up early and break up often, that's my take on it.

[Guest]

Look around AVEN and right now you can find threads where asexuals are telling other asexuals who are already out that it's okay to actively look for sexuals to date while concealing their sexual orientation until the sexual is ready to make a serious commitment.

Absolutely disagree with this. Most of the "when to tell" threads say that at least by the second date. Some of us say we should tell people immediately. Whenever an asexual says something like "tell when it looks like the relationship is serious", a whole bunch of asexuals jump on that and say that's not fair.

I agree.. most of us here try to encourage asexuals to reveal their asexuality as soon as possible. I'm of the opinion that you should be open about asexuality before dating someone is even a possibility. When I didn't have a partner I'd make sure to tell any guy that happened to talk to me on or offline that I'm asexual. I'd drop it casually into convo somewhere, so he knew right off the bat that I had no interest in sex with him so just leave me alone, pretty much. That way, if someone still decides to ask you out on a date, they're doing so while fully aware that they're not going to get sex (unless they're a jerk and think they can make you want sex, which does happen) ..Any sexual who asked me out would have been turned down regardless because I knew for a fact we wouldn't be compatible, but that's not the point. the point is. I think making your orientation crystal clear as soon as there's even a possibility someone might ask you out is the best course of action. Would a lesbian wait until the second date to tell a guy she's gay? no, she'd say the second he asked her out "sorry I'm gay", asexuals should do the same. "I'm asexual, which means I'm not interested in having sex.. I do desire a romantic relationship though, as long as it's sexless".. How hard is it just to say that? because if you wait until the second date or whatever, the sexual may have already started developing feelings and sexual desire for you.

Anyway, that wasn't at you specifically Sally, just one of my pet peeves I thought I'd expand upon haha. Tell them the instant the ask you out, or preferably make them aware before it even comes to them asking you out (by being open about your asexuality) that way they won't be hurt.

That was a little off topic, sorry OP!

[Guest]

Hahahaha Snow... break up early and break up often. Honestly, if we put less pressure on staying together, this would be a healthier model then locking oneself up for life.

[Guest]

Hahahaha Snow... break up early and break up often. Honestly, if we put less pressure on staying together, this would be a healthier model then locking oneself up for life.

I'm more of a "fight to the death" kind of person haha.. no matter how miserable you are or how much everything sucks, JUST KEEP GOING until you know for a fact it's pointless and you'll never get anywhere, and then keep going a bit more just in case! That may not be the healthiest model haha but I don't like the idea of giving up easily *clings to partner mercilessly* >:3 ..I can't help that I'm uber possessive!

[Guest]

I'm clearly the same way... I tend to burn a lot of bridges by refusing to leave until we've gone full scorched earth... I don't seem to have the ability to let go, so I gotta wait until there's nothing left to let go of.

[Snao Cone]

It's no surprise that we have very, very different attitudes towards sustaining relationships, Pan :P

Me: "I'm sorry did you just say to-MAH-to?"

Them: "I meant to-MAY-to, sorry, it was a slip of the tongue"

Me: *suitcases already packed at the door* "Well, it was good while it lasted"

[Guest]

Hahahaha I'm so jealous.

[Guest]

It's no surprise that we have very, very different attitudes towards sustaining relationships, Pan :P

Me: "I'm sorry did you just say to-MAH-to?"

Them: "I meant to-MAY-to, sorry, it was a slip of the tongue"

Me: *suitcases already packed at the door* "Well, it was good while it lasted"

hahaha, the first time I heard my partners voice (before we were in a relationship, we were just in the "this might be going somewhere fast" stage) he sent me a voice recording saying "the correct pronunciation of England's favourite teatime treat is s-CONE" then pretty much said he couldn't continue to speak to me if I pronounce it "the wrong way". I sent him a voice message back explaining that I say sc-ON and he's just going to have to deal with that, and he (thankfully) forgave me despite my (in his words) total butchery of the English language :lol:

[Snao Cone]

tbh, I dislike tomatoes so much that it wouldn't even matter if my partner pronounced it correctly. But we're getting way off topic now.

Point being: breaking up is an option at any time for any reason, and we should stop painting it like it's always bad or a cop-out.

[Guest]

Tomatoes are just vomit dressed up like a Christmas tree ornament.

I'm not sure what my reaction would be to hearing someone pronounce it "sconnnn", but it wouldn't be pretty. :P

Ok but breaking up is hardddd. You can't control the other person and that sucks. If I got to dictate my break ups, then I'd be all for it.

So, you know that Seinfeld episode where Elaine and Jerry agree that they won't date anyone who isn't an amicable breaker upper because, truly, the break up inevitably becomes one of the most important parts of the relationship... I think those two were really onto something there.

[butterflydreams]

Break up early and break up often, that's my take on it.

Pretty much.

Fire fast, hire slow.

I watched too many friends drown in mutually shitty relationships over the years. I promised myself I'd never, ever let that be me.

[Philip027]

I don't think it's absolutely imperative that people not break up or anything (there isn't anything "shameful" about it), but I think it will come off as rather callous to most people if you go a complete 180° in that attitude, too. I mean, if you're "breaking up" over every little thing that happens in a relationship (and let's face it, hardships are pretty inevitable), I wouldn't be able to help but think of you as someone that's not after something serious or long-term and are just looking for flings.

[Tarfeather]

TBH my attitude toward relationship status is "whatever the hell".

C.: "I don't have time for a relationship"

Me: "Okay" *continues to spend every free minute at uni with her as friends*

later

C.: "I want to be in a relationship with you"

Me: "Okay" *things continue on just as they have before*

later

C.: "I don't want to be in a relationship with you right now"

Me: "Okay" *things continue on just as they have before, including hugging, kissing, etc.*

Me: "So are we in a relationship or what?"

C.: "Yeah, I guess so."

later

Me: "I think we should break up and just be friends instead"

C.: "But being in a relationship with you is so great, let's not break up"

Me: "Okay" *things continue on just as they have before*

So, bottom line, relationship status is just determined by the mood my partner happens to be in, whereas the actual nature of our relationship is pretty much constant regardless of whether we call it a relationship or not. Just like any friendship, really, except our friendship involves some additional cuddling and stuff, but eh.

[Sally]

Tomatoes are just vomit dressed up like a Christmas tree ornament...

So, you know that Seinfeld episode where Elaine and Jerry agree that they won't date anyone who isn't an amicable breaker upper because, truly, the break up inevitably becomes one of the most important parts of the relationship... I think those two were really onto something there.

Tomatoes used to be one of my favorite foods, in just about everything but cereal and dessert.

But now, no. Thanksalot, Scull.

I thought I could repeat the script of every single Seinfeld episode but I don't remember that one.

[Guest]

Point being: breaking up is an option at any time for any reason, and we should stop painting it like it's always bad or a cop-out.

Very much agreed. I think you're a bit more extreme than me, though (even though I'm far closer to your end of the spectrum than to Ficto's... :lol: ). I think breaking up should always be an option that is consciously considered, and definitely one without shame and guilt attached.

Yet, I think it should only be the second option, not the first one. The first one, IMO, is to ask "can we deal with this in a way that makes all of us happy (enough to carry on without tummygrumbles)?". If the only answer that can easily be found for that question is "no"... then yes, I wholeheartedly suggest an immediate breakup.

[Tarfeather]

Very much agreed. I think you're a bit more extreme than me, though (even though I'm far closer to your end of the spectrum than to Ficto's... :lol: ). I think breaking up should always be an option that is consciously considered, and definitely one without shame and guilt attached.

Yet, I think it should only be the second option, not the first one. The first one, IMO, is to ask "can we deal with this in a way that makes all of us happy (enough to carry on without tummygrumbles)?". If the only answer that can easily be found for that question is "no"... then yes, I wholeheartedly suggest an immediate breakup.

I think the whole "should we be in a relationship or not?" question is oversimplifying the issue a tad. I think we renegotiate the terms of our relationship every time we ask the other whether they're down for hanging out. Which, by the way, is one of the reasons why I'm against moving in together unless you're absolutely sure your default answer to the hanging out question will be "yes" for the foreseeable future, because effectively you're making it a lot harder for yourself to answer "no", even when that would be your preferred answer.

[Guest]

Which, by the way, is one of the reasons why I'm against moving in together unless you're absolutely sure your default answer to the hanging out question will be "yes" for the foreseeable future, because effectively you're making it a lot harder for yourself to answer "no", even when that would be your preferred answer.

Haha, much agreed. I guess it's a fitting description to say that R. and I were dating for the entirety of our six-and-a-half years together... and that fits my preference very well. I want to choose to spend time with people I love, and want them to choose likewise. The moment there's no active choice involved anymore, I start getting wary that the relationship may just be running on "default mode" out of an empty, dutiful commitment, instead of being founded on the love of the moment.

(No wonder I'm anti-marriage, right? ;) )

[Homer]

TBH my attitude toward relationship status is "whatever the hell".

C.: "I don't have time for a relationship"

Me: "Okay" *continues to spend every free minute at uni with her as friends*

later

C.: "I want to be in a relationship with you"

Me: "Okay" *things continue on just as they have before*

later

C.: "I don't want to be in a relationship with you right now"

Me: "Okay" *things continue on just as they have before, including hugging, kissing, etc.*

Me: "So are we in a relationship or what?"

C.: "Yeah, I guess so."

later

Me: "I think we should break up and just be friends instead"

C.: "But being in a relationship with you is so great, let's not break up"

Me: "Okay" *things continue on just as they have before*

So, bottom line, relationship status is just determined by the mood my partner happens to be in, whereas the actual nature of our relationship is pretty much constant regardless of whether we call it a relationship or not. Just like any friendship, really, except our friendship involves some additional cuddling and stuff, but eh.

:D

[banana monkey]

I'm of two minds on this. In an ideal world, I don't think that major relationship terms should be renegotiated. I think it should lead to an immediate break up, like Gretchen suggests. Want to become poly instead of mono? Realize you're asexual or don't want sex, or realize you don't want kids (if you've agreed to have them), if a partner comes out as trans, or any other major change. Immediate break up and space. For better or worse, our emotions and our inertia are going to make a lot of people agree to changes that they never would have agreed to had they just met their partner. If you never wanted a poly or sex less relationship, then you should only be in one moving forward after sufficient time to, independently, reassess your needs, wants, etc. If the two people want to get back together once they've had time to reflect, great! I bet most of the time they won't.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it... I wouldn't be with my partner today if she was willing to let me go kindly and easily... but when someone seems to think they'll never have love or happiness without you, it's a hell of a lot of pressure, and it's not like there's not already pressure to please your partner. So yeah, in an ideal world, all major changes should start with a break up.

That's just not realistic, unfortunately. The only realistic policy is for people to patrol their own happiness. It's much, much harder in practice than in theory.

And yeah, asexuality should be immediately disclosed. Every reason for not disclosing amounts to a desire to trick or trap, but the youngsters don't see it that way because they have no experience... once they do, they'll start disclosing immediately.

hmm, interesting. i think i'm in too minds too. Even though we had not discussed it, I broke up with my ex because i realised he assumed the end goal of our relationship would be marriage. When a couple of months later I realised, I definately did not want that, I broke up with him because I thought it was unfair. I also knew he wanted kids which we had discussed I told him outright no, which he said he accepted and so eventually I realised I did not want to deny him either of those that because I loved him. I also could not explain what i did want, when a month later I realised that I could I really regretted not doing so before we broke up because it was what i had always thought he wanted so it would be interesting to see what he said. (Though we also had different career/life goals which actually made up the most part of the decision and the reason given for the break up.)

[Snao Cone]

Point being: breaking up is an option at any time for any reason, and we should stop painting it like it's always bad or a cop-out.

Very much agreed. I think you're a bit more extreme than me, though (even though I'm far closer to your end of the spectrum than to Ficto's... :lol: ). I think breaking up should always be an option that is consciously considered, and definitely one without shame and guilt attached.

Yet, I think it should only be the second option, not the first one. The first one, IMO, is to ask "can we deal with this in a way that makes all of us happy (enough to carry on without tummygrumbles)?". If the only answer that can easily be found for that question is "no"... then yes, I wholeheartedly suggest an immediate breakup.

Well, somebody who considers breaking up to be the first option is going to go through a lot of breakups and will have to accept whatever that means (i.e. reputation, the general pain of finding another person to date). It's certainly fair to discuss other alternatives first. Just don't approach it with "breaking up is not an option" - allow breaking up to be one of three or four viable options, obviously tried after the others.

[Guest]

Point being: breaking up is an option at any time for any reason, and we should stop painting it like it's always bad or a cop-out.

(even though I'm far closer to your end of the spectrum than to Ficto's... :lol: )

I think we are polar opposites regarding almost every aspect of relationships Myst :P

[emma-can]

Tomatoes are just vomit dressed up like a Christmas tree ornament.

I hate hate hate raw tomatoes so this quote is a marvelous, beautiful thing. (Sorry for not contributing to the actual thread topic )

[idekrncidc231]

Tomatoes are just vomit dressed up like a Christmas tree ornament.

I hate hate hate raw tomatoes so this quote is a marvelous, beautiful thing. (Sorry for not contributing to the actual thread topic )

Tomatoes are my #1 enemy. *glares* they are eeeeeeviiiiil

that being said... ^^; yea. my long take...

Ok... SO firstly I will say, that I didn't find out about A-Sexuality and that I am so until AFTER my last breakup... but... sometimes we are foolish and people can show signs that we shouldn't be with them even BEFORE the relationship starts.

My ex seemed nice and caring. He was with a girl at the time and was just my friend. When I had a hard day and cried he would listen to me. When I was crying around him he held me and wouldn't go back to his work until I told him that I was alright... I remember him saying something along these lines all the time {and this was during our relationship} something about how hard he was trying and how HE thought he was in the right or whatever. .. I can't really get it all out as I have a terrible sinus headache right now, but... I remember telling him that I didn't want sex when the relationship began. and he told me about how he always told his closest friend at work how he just wanted to "bang" me and such. {and yes while he was still with this girl he was thinking this about me} -.-; of course I tried not to take it so seriously, as sick as it made me to hear it, and just tried to take it as a compliment {even though it isn't} but, after all that had gone on between us with him talking to me and being nice to me when we were just friends, I had blinders on and only wanted to see him as the good person I wanted him to be and he seemed to be during our friendship. then, during our relationship he changed. he wasn't so nice and whenever I didn't make him happy he complained and called me stupid or said things like "no one will want to be with you cause you're "this way"' whatever he was complaining about at the time. and it hurt and I KNEW I should leave, but I didn't because I wanted to believe that he didn't mean it how it sounded and that he would apologize and realize what he said and that he would want to be good to me and change from being a douche. but... he never did. after over 2 years he kept being emotionally and mentally abusive and even just a bit physical. I even smacked him twice because the first time was after he had tied to pick me up and drag me out and he cut my ankle on the bed frame and I was a bit worried and getting ready to run but after I smacked him I froze and just stared at my hand shocked that I had done it, and felt bad about it. the second is after he pushed me into my dresser and I nearly hit my head on the corner and I was so mad he would put me in danger and not think about my well-being that I smacked him . ... strangely, I don't regret that one. I was always thinking of his well being and every move was to make sure that I didn't do anything that could accidentally get him hurt like pushing him into something or reacting and then "oops he fell out the second story window" but he didn't put that much thought into my well being while we were arguing. Sometimes, what is BEST for you is the hardest thing to do because you are so attached to them. he also cheated on me and other things I won't get into, but... it was hard to believe he did those things. breaking me down making me feel as though I HAD to sleep with him for him to stay. I admit to being stupid, but it was so hard to admit he was not the good person I remembered helping me and being so kind to me when we were just friends. So I can see where freebyrd is coming from with not just breaking up with him and asking this here first. it is SO HARD to love someone and do what is best for yourself when you constantly think on how good it USE to be. we forget to think of the NOW and the FUTURE and what is best for us then instead of how good it was THEN. meh. ...

"People can surprise you, but not always in a good way." ~ Anonymous

[Starlit Sky]

Ok... SO firstly I will say, that I didn't find out about A-Sexuality and that I am so until AFTER my last breakup... but... sometimes we are foolish and people can show signs that we shouldn't be with them even BEFORE the relationship starts.

My ex seemed nice and caring. He was with a girl at the time and was just my friend. When I had a hard day and cried he would listen to me. When I was crying around him he held me and wouldn't go back to his work until I told him that I was alright... I remember him saying something along these lines all the time {and this was during our relationship} something about how hard he was trying and how HE thought he was in the right or whatever. .. I can't really get it all out as I have a terrible sinus headache right now, but... I remember telling him that I didn't want sex when the relationship began. and he told me about how he always told his closest friend at work how he just wanted to "bang" me and such. {and yes while he was still with this girl he was thinking this about me} -.-; of course I tried not to take it so seriously, as sick as it made me to hear it, and just tried to take it as a compliment {even though it isn't} but, after all that had gone on between us with him talking to me and being nice to me when we were just friends, I had blinders on and only wanted to see him as the good person I wanted him to be and he seemed to be during our friendship. then, during our relationship he changed. he wasn't so nice and whenever I didn't make him happy he complained and called me stupid or said things like "no one will want to be with you cause you're "this way"' whatever he was complaining about at the time. and it hurt and I KNEW I should leave, but I didn't because I wanted to believe that he didn't mean it how it sounded and that he would apologize and realize what he said and that he would want to be good to me and change from being a douche. but... he never did. after over 2 years he kept being emotionally and mentally abusive and even just a bit physical. I even smacked him twice because the first time was after he had tied to pick me up and drag me out and he cut my ankle on the bed frame and I was a bit worried and getting ready to run but after I smacked him I froze and just stared at my hand shocked that I had done it, and felt bad about it. the second is after he pushed me into my dresser and I nearly hit my head on the corner and I was so mad he would put me in danger and not think about my well-being that I smacked him . ... strangely, I don't regret that one. I was always thinking of his well being and every move was to make sure that I didn't do anything that could accidentally get him hurt like pushing him into something or reacting and then "oops he fell out the second story window" but he didn't put that much thought into my well being while we were arguing. Sometimes, what is BEST for you is the hardest thing to do because you are so attached to them. he also cheated on me and other things I won't get into, but... it was hard to believe he did those things. breaking me down making me feel as though I HAD to sleep with him for him to stay. I admit to being stupid, but it was so hard to admit he was not the good person I remembered helping me and being so kind to me when we were just friends. So I can see where freebyrd is coming from with not just breaking up with him and asking this here first. it is SO HARD to love someone and do what is best for yourself when you constantly think on how good it USE to be. we forget to think of the NOW and the FUTURE and what is best for us then instead of how good it was THEN. meh. ...

"People can surprise you, but not always in a good way." ~ Anonymous

Man, what a dick. Just . . . seriously. I can't even.

I will say, though, that I wouldn't call you stupid for not leaving. This kind of thing happens a lot (that is, people in abusive relationships don't leave when the abuse first starts). It doesn't make you stupid, it's just . . . psychology.

[idekrncidc231]

Man, what a dick. Just . . . seriously. I can't even.

I will say, though, that I wouldn't call you stupid for not leaving. This kind of thing happens a lot (that is, people in abusive relationships don't leave when the abuse first starts). It doesn't make you stupid, it's just . . . psychology.

^^' pathetic then maybe? *shrugs* thanks though. that's nice of you to say.

[Starlit Sky]

Man, what a dick. Just . . . seriously. I can't even.

I will say, though, that I wouldn't call you stupid for not leaving. This kind of thing happens a lot (that is, people in abusive relationships don't leave when the abuse first starts). It doesn't make you stupid, it's just . . . psychology.

^^' pathetic then maybe? *shrugs* thanks though. that's nice of you to say.

No, I wouldn't say pathetic either. You're just human (unless you're a robot . . . ). I'd put all the blame in his hands personally, 'cause he's the douchebag.

[idekrncidc231]

not a robot. XD but meh. ^^; yea. thanks.

[SithAzathoth WinterDragon]

What your ex  was uncalled for and outright wrong. In the end he probably would have never stopped. I've never been sexually active and I have no interest in relationships because of the other would force what your ex did onto you. If you find a new one I hope things work out better, good luck.