Partner (sexual) tells me regularly how different he wants me to be.

[Briebyrdfreebyrd]

Not a day has passed since I came out as ace that he hasn't said "it's not fair you're asexual"

"You're so hot it's not fair"

"I wish you were different"

"I wish my life with you were different"

"In the beginning you weren't asexual so why are you now"

And honestly? I can't take much more of it. How do I handle this other than actually hitting him square in the face.

[Starlit Sky]

You break up with him.

Like, seriously.

A lack of sex is tough for sexuals and I'm not undermining that, but you know what else is tough? Being told every day that you don't meet someone's standards by someone who is supposed to be on your side and supporting you. That's what's happening here. You can do better than that.

[Icelime]

if you're done with his crap.

Just fucking break up.

straight up.

[ProtoStrife]

Break up. If he can't understand what you're going through and not even TRY to learn then he's worth nothing. All he cares about is himself

[Sally]

If a friend of yours told you that story, what you would advice her to do?

Yeah -- so do it.

[OutsideObserver]

Jackass should have had the stones to break it off with you. Heck, he could be badgering you so hard because he is forcing you to do the breaking up, I dunno...

If my partner told me that they were asexual, I would end it right then and there (while begging them to please still be my friend, I still love them, this sucks so much, etc.). What does he possibly think whining is going to do, make you change your mind?

...The only possible motive I can think of is that he is forcing you to talk about compromise. Have you talked about compromise yet? Every girlfriend I have ever been with has been lower libido than me. When I started to feel distress from lack of sex, I would bring up sex in general and the fact that I found them sexy. This reminded them of sex, and typically clued them in that I was hoping for an E.T.A. on when she might be in the mood next. It was less blunt and distressing than walking up to them and asking for sex out of the blue (or initiating non-verbally, aka by touch, which can be even more stressful to reject and be rejected by).

[Telecaster68]

Yeah, whining and attacking you constantly over it is horrible. He should stop.

Not in any way to excuse him but...

Being told every day that you don't meet someone's standards by someone who is supposed to be on your side and supporting you.

... is how he's feeling too, because sexuals who don't know much about asexuality conflate sexual rejection with rejecting us as a person. Have you explained your feelings to him, and why you were able to have sex at first, but now can't?

[Briebyrdfreebyrd]

Yeah, I've tried telling him

How I feel and sometimes he understands, sometimes not... he wants me to compromise by being sexual with him and that makes me uncomfortable.. and I've tried so so hard to tell him that if he can't do it we shouldn't. We broke up now.. but damn this isn't easy. Like. I JUST feel like I've tried and tried to tell him how I feel and that's not good enough if I'm not spreading my legs for him.

[Sally]

If you continue in a relationship with him, this treatment of you will continue. It's your decision as to whether you want that kind of relationship. You are in charge of your life and your body, not him.

EDIT: Well, it sounds like you've left the relationship. That's hard, I know, but it's probably the best thing for you.

[Éadweard]

This surprised you? And why are you making him the bad guy? Two people were in this relationship and you entered it knowing you weren't compatible.

[Briebyrdfreebyrd]

We've been together longer than I have come out as asexual. I did not know we weren't compatible. He's not the bad guy I just needed to know what to do when he says these hurtful things.

[nanogretchen4]

Your first relationship did not work because unbeknownst to both of you at the beginning of the relationship you had incompatible sexual orientations. Now that you know, you have the opportunity to avoid similar problems in the future by actively looking for other asexuals to date. Other asexuals will not want you to be different since for them your asexuality will be an asset.

[Philip027]

And why are you making him the bad guy?

Most "good guys" wouldn't be bemoaning their fates with their partners to the point of said partners wanting to hit them in the face.

I mean, shit, if you are in a relationship where you only wish your partner was different and that your life with them was different, I'd be asking why the hell are you even still there.

"You're so hot it's not fair" also comes off as exceedingly childish. Someone being "hot" doesn't give you some sort of entitlement to them.

[nanogretchen4]

The presumption of heterosexuality is a thing. If a person who is not heterosexual starts dating someone of the opposite sex without revealing this very important information, they are lying by omission. In this case the OP seems to have been actively presenting as sexual at the beginning of the relationship. The OP probably also assumed this to be true at the time and is therefore not at fault. The fact still remains that the OP's ex entered the relationship based on incorrect information and then the deal was radically changed within months. Maybe the ex should have been able to process the OP's coming out instantaneously and left silently without a single complaint, but how realistic is that really? As near as I can tell the OP's ex is just an average person caught off guard.

[theflyingelf]

If it were me I'd probably say something along the lines of "Well if you have such a big problem with it, you're free to leave", because I think what he's saying is such a horrible thing to say to someone. Like, if your partner has an issue with how much or how little sex is happening, he should discuss it with you in a mature and respectful way.

But yeah, you should definitely speak up about it.

[Sally]

This is a duplicate post, and I think the OP has said in the thread where there are answers that they've broken up.

[RK800]

That doesn't sound healthy.

This surprised you? And why are you making him the bad guy? Two people were in this relationship and you entered it knowing you weren't compatible.

If he knew in the beginning she didn't want sex then he's a bad guy for constantly berating her about it.

[Briebyrdfreebyrd]

Yeah sally I accidentally posted twice >.< lol but I definitely spoke up about it and it was a mess lol

[OutsideObserver]

That doesn't sound healthy.

This surprised you? And why are you making him the bad guy? Two people were in this relationship and you entered it knowing you weren't compatible.

If he knew in the beginning she didn't want sex then he's a bad guy for constantly berating her about it.

He didn't know in the beginning, because no one did. He thought he was dating a sexual.

I think the way he handled it was jerkish, but I don't know anything else about him, maybe he was trying to broach a very important subject to him in the only way he knew how to. The point is ultimately that this was a relationship where the asexual found out they were asexual after the relationship started, which meant that them breaking up was almost a foregone conclusion. Very, very few relationships like this can survive once the asexual figures themselves out.

[Éadweard]

Whatever. Asking him to change who he is is no different than him asking someone to change who they are. You can't change who someone is. If you want to date a sexual person remember that. I see so many asexual people on this site complaining about how their partners want sex. The asexuals think they have the right to control the relationship. This is why people are becoming frustrated with us and there is backlash.

[Briebyrdfreebyrd]

Woah there. I never said anything about me controlling anything. I'm asking personally how people would handle being told those things. No need for hostility okay?

[OutsideObserver]

Woah there. I never said anything about me controlling anything. I'm asking personally how people would handle being told those things. No need for hostility okay?

The controlling comes from the assertion "I don't want to have sex anymore, therefore we are not going to have sex anymore". While this is factually true (If you say no sex, then no sex), if you leave it like that, then you are basically telling your partner that his happiness is not important to you in the relationship...

[Sally]

The controlling comes from the assertion "I don't want to have sex anymore, therefore we are not going to have sex anymore". While this is factually true (If you say no sex, then no sex), if you leave it like that, then you are basically telling your partner that his happiness is not important to you in the relationship...

No. What she's saying is that she is not going to have sex. What the partner does then is under his control.

A relationship is between two individuals. They individually determine what makes them happy or unhappy. Neither one's happiness is more important than the other's.

[Briebyrdfreebyrd]

While I understand that me saying I don't want to have sex could come off as careless, it most certainly isn't. I care a lot about this individual even through the hurtful comments. Now I told him once i came out that "if you can't be with me anymore, I understand and wouldn't want you to change your needs for mine" he then said he could be with me and then said he can't, then he can. Who can blame him really, Im not the best at huge decisions either. But no where was it mentioned that I was controlling him. I gave him every ounce of thinking room I could. So that's why ultimately we didn't work, because I don't WANT him to change his NEEDS (and they are exactly that) for my lack of sexual desires.

[Briebyrdfreebyrd]

Also sally, thank you <3

[Philip027]

Whatever. Asking him to change who he is is no different than him asking someone to change who they are. You can't change who someone is.

I don't think anyone here is saying a sexual should stop being sexual. But I think it's perfectly justified for people to want jerks to stop being jerks (and it's also a lot more realistic for it to sometimes actually happen). Being sexual isn't a free pass for being a jerk.

[OutsideObserver]

The controlling comes from the assertion "I don't want to have sex anymore, therefore we are not going to have sex anymore". While this is factually true (If you say no sex, then no sex), if you leave it like that, then you are basically telling your partner that his happiness is not important to you in the relationship...

No. What she's saying is that she is not going to have sex. What the partner does then is under his control.

A relationship is between two individuals. They individually determine what makes them happy or unhappy. Neither one's happiness is more important than the other's.

If that's the way it's phrased, and that's the way both people see it, then I agree with you. But both people in the relationship rarely see it that way. Sexuals feel they are owed sex. Asexuals feel that sexuals should gleefully reprioritize their needs at the drop of a hat to accommodate the asexual's preferences. Sure, everyone can walk away whenever they feel like it, but anyone whose response to their sexual partners' distress over suddenly not having the sexual relationship they signed up for is "Too Bad, so sad. I won't have sex anymore. Leave if you don't like it. Period Full Stop." without even trying to talk about it or acknowledge the gravity of what they are asking is acting in a callous fashion, and I shudder to think of how they would negotiate any future relationships.

[Tarfeather]

Sexuals feel they are owed sex.

Holy shit, what.

[wcclark]

Freebyrd, I'm sorry I'm late to the conversation, but I just want to step in and say, as a sexual person, your ex's behavior was rude, uncalled for, and outright unaccepatble to you.

Let me tell you a little story. I once dated a girl for 5 years, all of which that time we were happily in an intimate, sexual relationship. However, on my birthday on that fifth year, that girl came out as gay to me. Quite simply, she changed, and I couldn't change with her in our relationship, so things had to end. It hurt deeply, and it took some time for me to fully get over things; but she was happier being the person she needed to be, so in the long run, I'm glad it happened, for both of us.

In your situation, the same thing occurred, but you discovered you were asexual, not homosexual. He reminds me of me when I first discovered my ex was gay. "No way, you're not gay." "What about all those times we had sex and you loved it?" "Maybe you're bi?" "I wish we could still have sex." Not my greatest moments, certainly, but the human brain takes time to fully comprehend things, I suppose. In hindsight, I wish I could've been there for her better. But I digress. He was not going to be compatible with you in your new life, especially acting in a way that hurt you so much.

Jughead, I think you're being a little too hostile towards Freebyrd. They loved their ex, and wanted to try to make it work with the new situation, but his behavior poisioned whatever was left there, and the decisions Freebyrd had to make were not controlling nor oppressive to him or anyone sexual. I think your attitude isn't conducive to this siutation nor this message board, friend.

Being sexual isn't a free pass for being a jerk.

Annnd found my new signature.

[Briebyrdfreebyrd]

Wcclark thank you so much for saying why I couldn't ! I really appreciate that... I know it hurts him. It hurts me too. But I definitely didn't want to be told what he was saying as a reaction, although, that's just what it is: a reaction. Hurtful or not.

Thankyouthankyou