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Telecaster68

To talk or not to talk

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MrDane

Oh, I'm in the same situation-ish... my partner is largely aware of the issue in a big picture sort of way (she's aware we "have a sex problem"), but not in a day-to-day sorta way. Something interesting has happened (this is the first time in our relationship, but it's been years since the last episode)... I really am not interested in having sex with her. I'm interested in sex generally, yes, and sometimes I think I'm into it, but nahhhh. It's no longer worth the effort for me. Either it's great and I want to have it more and then I'm sad when that doesn't happen, or it isn't great and I regret ever starting down the road. So anyway, I turned down sex last night, and I've done so a few times. It really, really hurts her feelings. She said she understands why it used to be so hard for me, because she doesn't even care about sex and it still devastates her because she feels undesired and unwanted. I've yet to find any solution that doesn't leave both people feeling insecure and longing for something.

As for your wife, Dane... man, if I didn't get cuddles and hugs and verbal affection and all that, I can't imagine feeling like I had anything more than a roommate. I feel for ya. Actually, lol, my partner probably does feel for ya, because I'm far less affectionate in all ways than she is.

Skullery? Do I understand this correct? You are not interested in having sex with your wife, BECAUSE she has no desire for having sex with you (or sex at all)? So sex will just be like a cold massage that she doesnt feel like giving?

Yeah, occasionally I feel like I have turned into her roommate, but she is still the love of my life! (I know she loves me, but there are only few signs of that kind of affection)

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Blondebeard

Oh, I'm in the same situation-ish... my partner is largely aware of the issue in a big picture sort of way (she's aware we "have a sex problem"), but not in a day-to-day sorta way. Something interesting has happened (this is the first time in our relationship, but it's been years since the last episode)... I really am not interested in having sex with her. I'm interested in sex generally, yes, and sometimes I think I'm into it, but nahhhh. It's no longer worth the effort for me. Either it's great and I want to have it more and then I'm sad when that doesn't happen, or it isn't great and I regret ever starting down the road. So anyway, I turned down sex last night, and I've done so a few times. It really, really hurts her feelings. She said she understands why it used to be so hard for me, because she doesn't even care about sex and it still devastates her because she feels undesired and unwanted. I've yet to find any solution that doesn't leave both people feeling insecure and longing for something.

As for your wife, Dane... man, if I didn't get cuddles and hugs and verbal affection and all that, I can't imagine feeling like I had anything more than a roommate. I feel for ya. Actually, lol, my partner probably does feel for ya, because I'm far less affectionate in all ways than she is.

Skullery? Do I understand this correct? You are not interested in having sex with your wife, BECAUSE she has no desire for having sex with you (or sex at all)? So sex will just be like a cold massage that she doesnt feel like giving?

Yeah, occasionally I feel like I have turned into her roommate, but she is still the love of my life! (I know she loves me, but there are only few signs of that kind of affection)

Well, I think Skullery behaviour is not only logical but also very common. I am sure that many sexuals end up not wanting sex with the ones that don't want sex with them.

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skullery

Yeah, I don't really like it. It's uncomfortable for me, and when it's not... when I do get all lost in it, I end up getting sadder afterward because I want to keep doing it and she doesn't. I'd rather opt out than continue with something unsatisfactory.

Love is great, relationships are great. I just, personally, prefer throwing out the stuff that doesn't work and keeping the stuff that does... like cutting the mold off the cheese. Compromise to me seems a lot like eating moldy cheese.

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Homer

Again, thank you, Skulls. That was very helpful for me and my own quest.

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Sally

It's been said often on AVEN by asexuals that they are afraid to show physical affection because they think (or sometimes know) that it will be interpreted as them wanting sex. Or their physical affection will "turn on" their partners who will then make a sexual advance. So their sexual partners feel the asexuals don't want physical affection.

The whole thing is pretty sad, actually: two people who love each other and yet have such differing needs. (And I definitely see asexuals as having needs: the need to have their bodies left alone.)

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Tarfeather

(And I definitely see asexuals as having needs: the need to have their bodies left alone.)

I can tell you, my partner very much has a need not to have her body left alone. ;) Sex isn't the only form of bodily contact.

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MrDane

It's been said often on AVEN by asexuals that they are afraid to show physical affection because they think (or sometimes know) that it will be interpreted as them wanting sex. Or their physical affection will "turn on" their partners who will then make a sexual advance. So their sexual partners feel the asexuals don't want physical affection.The whole thing is pretty sad, actually: two people who love each other and yet have such differing needs. (And I definitely see asexuals as having needs: the need to have their bodies left alone.)

Sally, I totally agree with the part of 'physical affection' as a risk of being the first step towards sex! ...but again, the talk and agreements need to be in place and should be spoken out loud (or written down?) something like:

We, as a loving couple, who differ a lot regarding our need for physical contact and sexual intercourse, agree on the following;

We kiss eachother goodbye when we leave. Auntie-kiss, no tongue

We hug occasionally, but just for a few seconds and no grabbing tits

If one is sad, then hugging lasts longer, but still no grapping

We have sex on specific scheduled dates with at least (timeframe) between. It is always ok, to say 'no, not tonight!' But good idea, to soon agree on/make a new 'date'

You can always say no to certain actions.

There is no rule about how the sex should play out, but focus is on having a nice time together.

I know the text is different for each couple, but it could be a start to try to make the text yours in regards to making your compromises!

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Thea2

.

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skullery

Re #187: No MrDane, that is not love. What you are describing there is a business contract.

Love is an emotion. No actions or agreements are "love". Doing dishes, being kind to your partner, lavishing them with affection... none of that is love. Those are behaviors.

Dane is describing mutual agreements. Thea, have you ever been in a relationship? Do you just play it via anarchy/ roulette spins? Surely it makes sense to, you know, talk to your partner and reach mutually beneficial agreements about things.

My partner and I have an agreement about how we pay bills and who does which chores. Surely that doesn't mean we don't love each other, does it?

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MrDane

A relationship is kind of a social construction, which requires mutual agreements to function well and stable! A lot comes naturally, and need not often to be outspoken. I do not like cooking, but my wife likes it. I have always read stories or played with the kids! I mowe the lawn. She does the accounting etc, etc! On the bottomline we both participate and help eachother in daily life as we see fit! This is not love! But because We love eachother, we do what we can to make the other person feel well! We accept that we are different. She needs more time alone and more sleep, than me. I need time in the gym.

Once in a while, we TALK. Like

'I'm really frustrated about how the living room looks like a mess! Piles of clothes, dirty windows, papers...!"

"OK, I havent really noticed, but lets make an effort together to clean up, ...this weekend! Ok?"

"Thanks, That would be really nice!"

"Since the kids can shower on their own without my assistance today, I can make a quick cleaning rigth now!"

"Awesome!"

If she wants it more clean, she can clean more or I can do it or we can help eachother!

If I want more steaks, I can cook for myself or ask her to make it!

...but if we both want a monogamous relationship, then... Hugging, kissing or saying I love you, is a good way for me to feel the love from her, and if she doesnt do it naturally, then it can be a good idea to adress it and make an agreement, a plan, for otherwise I drift of into a feeling of lonelyness and depression.

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alibali

For what it is worth and having been in the position your wife probably is, not wanting to talk about it is probably because she feels guilty and anxious and would rather not be reminded of what she is putting someone through it. Also, there are no solutions really are there. She will continue to want to avoid the issue, and you will continue to resent not only the lack of sex, and her avoidance of any discussion. If it went the same way as my own marriage, eventually if it hasn't happened already, you stop seeing each other as the individuals you once valued, and just see the barriers to communication. Instead of sex being just part of most loving relationships, sex becomes the only important issue. But that's just my opinion based on my own circumstances.

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jo351010

Hello everyone!

I have been in a romantic relationship with a 36 year old heteroromantic asexual female for the past nine months and we have fallen deeply in love. I am a 31 year old heteroromantic heterosexual male and of course I have a physical disability that often interferes with our sex life.

Lately I have found a way to masturbate and she has become jealous. When I found out how I could do it, I honestly thought she would be super excited because it would take a lot of pressure off of her. However, that was not the case. She said that she enjoys pleasing me but feels pressure sometimes to do so. That is exactly why I thought she would be excited. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for by posting this but any thoughts or suggestions/comments would be greatly appreciated.

Happy Asexual Awareness Week!!!

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Homer

Did she explain what it is that is making her jealous exactly?

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Thea2
On 14/10/2016 at 7:47 PM, Skullery Maid said:

 

 

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