Hi

[Shadrach]

Hello. I'm having some difficulties in my relationship. I started out thinking that I was a heterosexual/allosexual. But as time grew and I became more knowledgable about the asexual spectrum I realized if anything, I am a very strong demisexual. I can appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty, Of any gender, but I never had sexual urges towards them until I became close with them. Even after becoming close, for the most part I have never developed strong urges to engage in that type of contact. However, I am a deeply sexual person. I feel as though sex calms me down so even when I wasn't In a relationship I engaged in sexual acts with people I had no sexual attraction to (I question my demisexuality because of this). The issue I have though, is that I have EXTREMELY strong urges for my current girlfriend. And it's way different from just casual sex with her. It feels like I'm becoming one with her and I feel so close with her when I do. There's honestly nothing like it. The issue is that after a very long dip in our sex life, following difficulties actually engaging in sex, I believe my girlfriend to be asexual. I introduced the possibility to her and she agrees that she might be asexual too. I've recommended her this site and many other networks and such to give her the information. My girlfriend has told me that although she enjoys sex she has no real desire for it. I love my girlfriend so much like I've never felt the same kinds of emotions about her in my life and I feel so selfish for caring so much about sex. But I need it. We've agreed that we will compromise and I'm willing to wait for her to really make sure she's asexual (obviously a difficult question to answer when you believe you're something else your whole life) but I'm scared that I won't be able to accept that she won't reciprocate the feelings I have for her at least sexually. So my questions are as follows. How can you accept that your partner doesn't reciprocate those feelings? What should I do if the compromise isn't enough? How long should I wait to broach te topic of sex again? How can I make this work? The hardest part is that I know if we break up then I'll find someone else who I'll fall in love with but I know no one will ever match the feeling I have for this girl. Please help me.

[Telecaster68]

How can you accept that your partner doesn't reciprocate those feelings?

My wife's functionally asexual, post menopause and with lupus (have a look at my previous posts for more info), and this is my biggest struggle, as it is for many other sexuals. It's hard. If your girlfriend is willy to have sex, then it won't be with the desire and horniness and hunger that sexuals experience, but it might be loving, generous and enjoying your enjoyment in a kind of slightly detached way. The only way I've found to deal with this is to enjoy the fact that she's willing to do this for you, and give up on any idea she'll ever want you sexually for herself. It takes a lot of thinking through, and doesn't go away.

What should I do if the compromise isn't enough?

Your only choice then is split up or talk to her about having an open relationship, if you think this could work for both of you.

How long should I wait to broach te topic of sex again?

You'll have to try to read her mood and feelings I guess. Or you could talk with her now and agree to, say, have another talk about it in a month in more depth.

How can I make this work? The hardest part is that I know if we break up then I'll find someone else who I'll fall in love with but I know no one will ever match the feeling I have for this girl.

Well, you feel like that now but who knows who'll you meet? And over time, the stress on both partners knowing sex is a big source of tension in the relationship, and the distancing that can come with both not having sex and knowing you're undesired can adversely affect relationships, so you might not always feel she's the one and only... Come to that, she might get to a point where she feels those tensions are too much, or see the best way to ease your pain is to let you go.

[MrDane]

The feeling of becomming one with her, could easily change into less of a out of this world, cosmic experience of togetherness, since you now know, that she likes it, but is mostly doing you a favor and if you didnt do it, she wouldnt miss it!

I felt like I had my balls and my identity as a male sexual squished!