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Plans about the future?


Suede (8)

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So lately I've been thinking a lot, my older brother just got engaged and this made me think about myself, my own plans for the future...

I'm a very family oriented person, but logic tells me that based on my personality and history of lack of interest in dating and sex I wont be able to find a life partner and start my own family... so I kind of have been working on the idea that growing old and single isn't so bad, I mean... you have plenty of time for yourself, to travel, to dedicate to work and hobbies, you can save a lot of money... I don't know.

But there's also my mother who tells me constantly that I can't picture my future alone, without a family and children, that growing old alone is really sad...

So my questions here basically are about your own experience, how old are you? are you/have you been married? do you have children? and if so how did you find the experience of being a parent? in your opinion what are the pros and cons of being married + having children vs staying single and without children?

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Ah, but there's always a difference between alone and lonely. It only hurts to be alone if you feel lonely. There's nothing wrong with being old and alone. Plenty of people have had full lives and have accomplished things without starting families or even start relationships (Nikola Tesla is someone I can think of on the top of my head). If you've done things that you've wanted to do and didn't need to start a family to do it, I'd say that that's a good life too. I'm 21, have always been single, and have no children. What I lack in experience, I make up for in both research and critical thinking.

Single:

Pros: Less drama and worrying, a whole place to yourself unless you want roommates, more time, freedom, and money for yourself, self-discovery is a lot easier, probably less likely to have a midlife crisis if you're happy being single and have used your free time for self discovery and fun

Cons: You have to pay the whole bill, it can feel like the IRS is against single people with how we can get taxed, the social perception of single people, mortgage has a higher chance of financially destroying you if you plan on getting a house and don't have a good enough salary, eating in a restaurant can feel awkward unless you bring some friends

Married and has children:

Pros: Better tax benefits depending on both incomes if you're filing jointly, those wedding cakes can look amazing (seriously, just order a big one to a small wedding and keep the giant leftovers for yourself :twisted:), sometimes having more people in your life can make things not so monotonous

Cons: Drama concerning either your kids or your spouse, you'll probably have a harder time spending time with single friends, taking care of kids is a huge responsibility and trying to do that while maintaining your relationship with your spouse can be exhausting, can be stressful, teenage years (to be fair, a huge pattern I keep seeing is that parents don't talk to their kids about some ways that identity and self-images can form), social perception of married couples (you just can't win, can you?)

Those are just things on the top of my head

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butterflydreams

I'm 28, the same age my mom was when she got married to my dad. She had me just shy of two years later before turning 30.

Suffice it to say, I'm nowhere near that myself. I've never even dated anyone. I'd like to at least get married someday though. No idea how that'll happen considering where I'm starting from at my age.

As for being single, it can be really tough, especially with housing. I'm paying a lot for my apartment right now. About a 3rd of my monthly income, and I make pretty good money for the area. But renting an entire apartment by yourself, you have to shoulder that whole cost. And, the only affordable 1br apartments in better more urban areas are out of my price range or are slums. My brother lives with his girlfriend and between the two of them, they can rent a nicer, bigger apartment downtown. Far beyond what I could ever dream of. Individually, they make less money than me, but combined, it's much more.

Forget ever buying a house. How can I save enough money for a down payment (10-30K USD) if I'm paying what I am for rent right now? After scrimping and saving for 5 years after I graduated college, I was really proud. I had almost 9K USD in cash (which didn't amount to much when you considered my car loan and my student loans). And I realized, wtf am I doing? Is this what I want? To scrimp and save my early adulthood away to maybe get a house when I'm 35 or 40? At the time, I didn't even expect to live that long. So I started to look for my dream sports car, a first-gen Toyota MR2. With 9K I could easy make that happen. I didn't find one of those that would work, but I was able to find a rare little early 90s convertible with a turbocharged engine.

Not having any prospect of marriage, or my own family is incredibly heartbreaking...if I'm completely honest. But I have a "unique" early retirement plan that I'm trying to set in motion. Basically I'm hoping to build a tiny house so I can stop paying rent, and have my own place. The idea is that without having to pay rent, I can either save a ton of cash (for whatever I want) at my current high-paying, high-stress job, or I can take less paying, but simple, meaningful work.

Ultimately, the narrative we were all sold, especially millennials is a bunch of bullshit. You have to navigate your own way. If you try to follow the old script, you'll end up like my best friend: working himself to the bone and going grey at 30 renting a crappy apartment in the crappy area of some crappy metropolitan wasteland.

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The future.... Be more open about my crossdressing maybe but is probably not going to happend,i get bad hints from my mom as i it is just because of my now longer hair. But being in a relationship would be nice, have to work on being more outgoing though have someone you can trust and are always there for you and you always ther for them. And someone you can cuddle up with at the sofa and watch a movie with would be amazing. I am 28 now and have always been single so life is pretty lonely. Do feel kind of crappy and as a loser when you know that your 3 year old younger sister live together with her boyfriend. But i am happy for them. But plans for the future maybe living a way that makes Me more happy.

I don't have any direct problems with money make around 17000kr after taxes and my rent is 3400kr for a one room apartment. And then comes the bills for Internet,power,insurance än so on but it works.

I am happy with my work but it can get really stressful at times when you have a bunch of orders to pack and ship when you are alone in the warehouse. As a exsample was not home until midnight this thursday. But i can't complain its a nice place to work at otherwise.

So I started to look for my dream sports car, a first-gen Toyota MR2. With 9K I could easy make that happen. I didn't find one of those that would work, but I was able to find a rare little early 90s convertible with a turbocharged engine.

I am curious what did you find? I am personally looking for Nissan Silvia S13 but because they go up in price all the time it gets harder and harder.

But a positive thing that is going to happend soon. Is that my sister and i are gonna adopt 2 kitten siblings toghter she will take care of the sister and i the brother. I am really looking forward to it, to have someone to care of at home and have some company.

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Lord Jade Cross

No marriage or kids and really no plans to ever start a family. The idea that we must all grow up into parents and regurgitate the same words and process as our parents did before us is total bs.

Other than that, life has pretty much painfully shown me that there is no guarantee for anything. You can work hard, drive yourself to your death even, doing it; and you will not have what you want. So every day is pretty much just a struggle to survive.

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I'm 25 and the eldest of two girls in the family. As for relationship and/or marriage, I've never had the time to even socialize or go on a date; assuming if someone is even interested in dating me, that is. I've never been in one in my entire life.

This is how my usual workdays go: I've spent most of my time working at the family business and usually going home together with my boss (who happens to be my mother) as late as 7 PM minimum, 9 PM maximum, 5 PM on Saturdays and holidays, and it doesn't count the heavy traffic we have to go through. When we get home, we have dinner together and I'm usually the one to do and store the dishes from both dinner and lunchbox; since mostly after dinner, my mother watches TV and falls asleep immediately (she used to be very energetic even at night before she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. After she had her thyroid removed and started taking maintenance, she easily gets tired). Usually, depending on what time we got home, it'll be pretty late. If I still have the strength, I'd play Overwatch until I level up or oftentimes Team Fortress 2 or go offline and play The Sims 3. If not, I go to bed.

I've been very divided about the whole relationship/romance/love/sex/marriage thing. Most likely from being triggered and repulsed by how the media usually portrays it and every showbiz or non-showbiz news that shows on TV and online and they're usually nasty, graphic and very personal. And I've been traumatized from seeing my parents arguing in front of me (with an instance or two making me think that they'll end up separating because of the impact was severely painful to see and hear firsthand). Also I've been dealing with inner demons from my past that are very hard to shake off and move on from.

The whole 'life meta' of get married on or before 30 pisses me off. Not everyone is open or even ready for a relationship and/or marriage. Or even have any romantic and/or sexual attraction to the opposite and/or same sex. Being asked repetitively when will I be having a boyfriend and settle down is starting to frustrate me. I have my work to prioritize severely, especially if my boss mother starts to worry about being break-even on some ends of months and resigning to find another job is currently not an option since I can't leave the office with a lot of unfinished and unannounced workloads like the previous staff whom I replaced. I have my family to worry about, especially with for the time being, it's only me and my mother at home since my father isn't back for 4 months from his work overseas and my sister moving out almost 2 months ago for her job in the city, and I try my best to help pay the bills while I'm still in the family home. I have my own personal issues to fix, and it'll take an eternity to do so.

Relationships, love and sex these days are a very taboo topic for me to discuss; despite me trying to have an open mind. As a bullying and catfishing victim that learned the very hard lessons from being psychologically and emotionally hurt, my only defense is to isolate myself from people to avoid getting hurt and hurting others. I tried to do the online dating scenario, in secret, since my family disapproves of it, and I tried to be honest as possible. I've exchanged messages with 4 guys and sent one to another, but they all ended up with me being ghosted. So I disabled my account for now. I can't even be a mature person looking at kissing and/or sex scenes and instantly 'nope' the hell out and go upstairs to my room or change the channel or fast-forward the scene until it's all over.

I'd love to have a family someday, if the time is right and the I may find the right person who respects me and my decision to take things very slow and uncommon. If not, I still have my family and relatives and my closest friends. And the family business to prioritize. And the possibility of me going to Singapore to study, better yet, live there. And having an alternative/backup plan to having a family of my own.

For finances, my salary is enough to save it in the bank every payday. When there are bills that need help paying, pay back my debts to my mother, treat my family to lunch or dinner or movies often on weekends or buy the things I like that I've saved up for; that's the time I use my money.

As for dream cars, I've been currently eyeing a Subaru Forrester or the XV, or any car that has lots of legroom and trunk space :D

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butterflydreams

So I started to look for my dream sports car, a first-gen Toyota MR2. With 9K I could easy make that happen. I didn't find one of those that would work, but I was able to find a rare little early 90s convertible with a turbocharged engine.

I am curious what did you find? I am personally looking for Nissan Silvia S13 but because they go up in price all the time it gets harder and harder.

1991 Mercury Capri XR2. Yeah, even the MR2s are getting pricey. If I had thought to look maybe 10 years ago, Porsche 914s were easily had for under 10K. Not anymore.

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Blue Phoenix Ace

So my questions here basically are about your own experience, how old are you? are you/have you been married? do you have children? and if so how did you find the experience of being a parent? in your opinion what are the pros and cons of being married + having children vs staying single and without children?

Howdy, I'm 38, no kids, no spouses.

For most of my life, I let everyone else decide for me that I am supposed to be in a relationship. When I finally realized that wasn't what I wanted for myself, it made some of my past choices seem a bit silly.

For one thing, I am spending quite a big chunk of my salary on the never ending mortgage. I plan on downsizing very soon, probably to a condo that's about half the cost, and half the size. The pros are less maintenance and lower bills. Since money equals time (it certainly does), this means more time now and earlier retirement later. With any luck, I'll retire at 55.

Single people have more free time to pursue their own interests. I think I would feel stifled with a family.

People who start families have a lot more stress to deal with. But, they also have a good long term goal of raising their family. Seeing their children grow up and teaching them seems kind of cool, I guess. It's not really a desire I've ever held myself, but I could see how that would be appealing to others.

I don't believe we can compare which life is better. It's like asking which is better, an apple or a banana? The more important factor is what you want out of life. The peg has to fit into the hole, and there's nothing wrong with being a square peg versus a round peg.

Do a lot of introspection. Figure out what you truly desire out of life, and go for it. Don't let other people decide what you want. They are free to make suggestions, but if they run against your desires, just ignore them. Good luck!

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I will never get married or have children. Since I only have one family member that I'm in contact with (an uncle who's about 15 years older than me), I do worry about having any family left by the time I get to retirement. But since I have no control over it really, I try not to dwell on it.

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Ah, but there's always a difference between alone and lonely. It only hurts to be alone if you feel lonely. There's nothing wrong with being old and alone. Plenty of people have had full lives and have accomplished things without starting families or even start relationships (Nikola Tesla is someone I can think of on the top of my head). If you've done things that you've wanted to do and didn't need to start a family to do it, I'd say that that's a good life too. I'm 21, have always been single, and have no children. What I lack in experience, I make up for in both research and critical thinking.

Single:

Pros: Less drama and worrying, a whole place to yourself unless you want roommates, more time, freedom, and money for yourself, self-discovery is a lot easier, probably less likely to have a midlife crisis if you're happy being single and have used your free time for self discovery and fun

Cons: You have to pay the whole bill, it can feel like the IRS is against single people with how we can get taxed, the social perception of single people, mortgage has a higher chance of financially destroying you if you plan on getting a house and don't have a good enough salary, eating in a restaurant can feel awkward unless you bring some friends

Married and has children:

Pros: Better tax benefits depending on both incomes if you're filing jointly, those wedding cakes can look amazing (seriously, just order a big one to a small wedding and keep the giant leftovers for yourself :twisted:), sometimes having more people in your life can make things not so monotonous

Cons: Drama concerning either your kids or your spouse, you'll probably have a harder time spending time with single friends, taking care of kids is a huge responsibility and trying to do that while maintaining your relationship with your spouse can be exhausting, can be stressful, teenage years (to be fair, a huge pattern I keep seeing is that parents don't talk to their kids about some ways that identity and self-images can form), social perception of married couples (you just can't win, can you?)

Those are just things on the top of my head

Well, actually Nicola Tesla stated in one of his last interviews that his biggest reggret in life was that he didnt have kids.

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Then there's singIe with chiIdren -

pros; ...aaaah?

haha.

(thankfuIIy I'm not singIe anymore, though my partner is on the other side of the worId so can't heIp with the day to day things, IIke making me a cup of tea.. hehe. Someday though!!)

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I'm currently 23, single and without children, and tbh I can quite easily see myself staying that way (maaaybe a partner somewhere along the line but probably no marriage and certainly no children), and I'm quite happy with that being the case. I'm not a very organised person, very bad at basic things like remembering to eat etc etc, so for me having children would be a MONUMENTALLY stupid idea :P I think the main pros of my lifestyle are the fact that I have a lot of room for independence and spontaneity, whereas the main con would be the potential for loneliness. I'm not particularly worried about being lonely really, because I find I put quite a lot of energy into long-term friendships, although then again, you say you're quite family-orientated, so this might not be so helpful for you.

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I'm 61, retired, never married, never dated, and no children. I live by myself in the single family house that I own. As someone else said there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I have my interests and do volunteer work, at times I feel I busier now than before I retired. The key is to stay active.

My only concern comes from my experience of taking care of my mom the last few years of her life, she died earlier this year at 94. It made me realize that if I get to an age where I can't take care of myself anymore I don't have any children to help. It'll depend how it goes for me and if I do reach that age but I'm making sure I have plenty in the bank for a part-time or live-in caregiver or some form of assisted living.

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29

single

no kids

goal: write a book and get it published.

...

...

...

die...

^-^ yep~ sounds like a good plan to me~

The future.... Be more open about my crossdressing maybe but is probably not going to happend,i get bad hints from my mom as i it is just because of my now longer hair.

-_- my gosh... men wore dresses for thousands of years and now because of testosterone pumped freaks who think howling and man caves are how men should be people are made to feel that being more sensitive and not wearing pants is wrong. f* society and its bullsh*t! {yea... I know they are called 'robes' and not dresses.} but for crying out loud! Egyptians/Greeks wore dresses {toga's again, but lets be real they were f*ing dresses} -_- *sighs* and Egyptians wore eyeliner. mostly the king {pharaoh} himself and the priest dude! people act as though it is the greatest sin for men to wear dresses while woman can wear pant suits to their desire... -_- *shrugs* I am just saying. ok. ^^; my rant is over. sorry. I just think it's cute when men crossdress, vise-versa... and it's sad that people frown on people wanting to dress another way. *shrugs* I wear male pants, female shoes{mostly} and unisex shirts... cause... f* the police! XD fashion police that is!~ *shrugs* that just annoys me. It isn't hurting you, so f* off if it's comfortable for that person leave them alone. ^^; except low cut or really short things cause I hate the slutty look. but there was a transwoman {I think ^^; I cannot be sure if trans or just likes crossdressing...which I suppose is the only problem with it. T.T how do you know if they want to be called him or her when you're too shy to ask? ^^; } anyway, they wore a pretty moomoo {the person was probably 50-60} that was adorable ^-^ o///o ok... now my secret fetish is out XD

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29

single

no kids

goal: write a book and get it published.

...

...

...

die...

^-^ yep~ sounds like a good plan to me~

The future.... Be more open about my crossdressing maybe but is probably not going to happend,i get bad hints from my mom as i it is just because of my now longer hair.

-_- my gosh... men wore dresses for thousands of years and now because of testosterone pumped freaks who think howling and man caves are how men should be people are made to feel that being more sensitive and not wearing pants is wrong. f* society and its bullsh*t! {yea... I know they are called 'robes' and not dresses.} but for crying out loud! Egyptians/Greeks wore dresses {toga's again, but lets be real they were f*ing dresses} -_- *sighs* and Egyptians wore eyeliner. mostly the king {pharaoh} himself and the priest dude! people act as though it is the greatest sin for men to wear dresses while woman can wear pant suits to their desire... -_- *shrugs* I am just saying. ok. ^^; my rant is over. sorry. I just think it's cute when men crossdress, vise-versa... and it's sad that people frown on people wanting to dress another way. *shrugs* I wear male pants, female shoes{mostly} and unisex shirts... cause... f* the police! XD fashion police that is!~ *shrugs* that just annoys me. It isn't hurting you, so f* off if it's comfortable for that person leave them alone. ^^; except low cut or really short things cause I hate the slutty look. but there was a transwoman {I think ^^; I cannot be sure if trans or just likes crossdressing...which I suppose is the only problem with it. T.T how do you know if they want to be called him or her when you're too shy to ask? ^^; } anyway, they wore a pretty moomoo {the person was probably 50-60} that was adorable ^-^ o///o ok... now my secret fetish is out XD

Is not really the clothes thats make me do it, It is that it makes me feel that i am a woman for a short time. And yeah the world need wake up and let people do what makes them happy.

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  • 3 months later...

When envisioning my future, I never included a spouse and kids.  Always pictured just working and saving up enough to buy a house and living on my own.  I never really imagined someone else there to help me with the expenses.  Now i'm looking for houses and it's hard to find one that isn't meant for a family and is small enough for a single person.  I haven't ruled out having someone in the future, but it's not something I count on.  

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bittersweet988

I'll turn 29 in 2017.

No kids

Don't get along with people

Hmm I guess I'll keep living with my parents as long as I can and I'll work night and day so as not to think about life problems, such as loneliness :huh: I don't even know how it is that I often feel lonely. I mean, I don't get along with people and don't feel well when I am with others. I feel like they don't have respect for me and I am not truly myself. I HATE having to please others, but that's what I usually end up doing. I want to learn to enjoy my company more, but it's not easy. In the future I'd also like to go live closer to nature. 

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Single and can't see that ever changing. Like to be mortgage free at retirement (if we're allowed to retire by then), maybe learn how to be an adult sometime :P

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm 46, have 4 kids (teenagers), this past year just separated from my wife of 21 years, so thinking about my future has been at the forefront of my mind!  I always wanted a family, and I got one.  I always thought I would live my life with one person, but that didn't happen.  I can't imagine getting together with someone at my age and where I am at in life.  However, I can't imagine my life without someone either.  I will always have my kids, but it's not the same as having a significant other.  Who knows what the future will bring.  

(I just realized this thread is for 20-somethings.  I thought it was in the 40 year old one.) Ooooooops...there's old age for you! :)  

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You ARE in the correct thread, @Lugelady--this one is under the umbrella of "Older Asexuals"!  Welcome, good to have you aboard! :cake:

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I'm currently single. I broke up with my boyfriend after nine months because he wants a family and I don't. I never saw kids as a part of my life. I would like a partner, but will I ever be able to find the right one? Not wanting kids is already one obstacle. Another is my aceness. I'm still not entirely sure where I fall on the spectrum. I can't quite decided if I'm sex adverse or phobic. Either way, it'll be an issue unless I can find someone who is very patient.   

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  • 1 month later...
Guest Jetsun Milarepa

At the moment, having been single for 27 years, I'd just like to stay in my little job, keep my head down, travel (which is tougher for single women) and maybe do some studying, I'd like to round off my education before I kick the bucket.

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SithAzathoth WinterDragon

I'm in my late 20's and never been sexual and have no children and have no desire fore ether. I rather keep my life as it is and remain happy for who I am and have my full focus within my future career I'll get and not be distracted by a relationship. I find being single satisfying and I have no need to worry about anything. I will be happy with friends and that's all I'll take and nothing else.

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Almost 62, mostly post-career. Never married, but I've always liked kids; had there been awareness about asexuality when I was younger, I might have considered marrying another ace and adopting some. Right now I'm in an after-school mentorship program for kids who have incarcerated parents.

 

My goal is to never stop growing;  meeting people (although I'm shy), exploring new places,  getting politically active (already starting that), and giving back to the community. There's always something new to learn. I'd also love to live to see another volcano go active in the continental US, but that's kind of selfish - it would probably be best if that goal goes unfulfilled!

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Answering on behalf of my asexual wife:

 

Family has always been the dream and it still is. Three kids and an old house in the countryside with dog, cat and a big garden. 

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