I dont understand why manogomy is so common?

[OutsideObserver]

Polyamory is a lot of work. Even people who aren't innately opposed to it emotionally don't always pursue it.

Is this comment down to experience? Which leads me to another question I have always wanted answered: how many polygamous associations are where the men are in the plural?

Kind of? I dated a girl who really wanted to date another (transgendered) girl. I wasn't super keen on it on the outset, assuming I'd get jealous, but I agreed because it was something she really wanted to pursue.

In the end, I wasn't as jealous as I thought I'd be, but never really was able to take advantage of the fact that I was, in theory, free to find another relationship. The bond and history I had with my "primary" relationship (we lived together, had been together for years, etc.) meant I had considerably less to offer any other girl I met, most of whom were looking for another primary relationship that I couldn't offer them.

Admittedly, I wasn't looking in Poly circles or using dating apps, all of which could make the process easier. But my ultimate take-away from the experience was that I'm emotionally fine with polyamory... it's just not all it's cracked up to be.

Oh, and in the end? My girlfriend's girlfriend broke it off because she couldn't deal with the jealousy. Then we went back to monogamy after that...

Edit: I know it's not technically an answer to your second question, but it's the closest I've experienced. I was a straight male who ended up "sharing" his partner with someone else. I can't say for certain I would have had the same reaction if the other person was a guy, but I'd like to think so. I think males would feel slightly more pressure to keep a situation like that covert, or be opposed to it due to fear of being ridiculed when people find out his girl is sleeping with another guy. But natural jealousy strikes me as being something men are no more or less prone to than women. When I vocalized an interest in finding another girlfriend to my actual girlfriend the first time, she had this long, tortured moment of feeling like a hypocrite because the notion of me being with someone else upset her greatly. Whaddya gonna do?

[Tarfeather]

Polyamory isn't about having multiple partners.. It's an underlying mindset, a way of life. Well, to be honest that confusion is why I prefer the term "relationship anarchy" these days.

This is the basic premises of my poly mindset: Nobody takes precedence over another. Essentially, everyone who's close to me is considered family, and hence equally important. Friend or (romantic/sexual) relationship makes no difference in this regard.

Even with currently having only one partner, me and my partner are still poly. The point is, if either of us were to have another partner, it would not change our relationship.

@OutsideObserver: I think most people aren't emotionally mature enough to be able to deal with poly. That's just the way of things. You severely restrict your "dating pool". But personally, I don't consider it much of a restriction, because I'd not be willing to enter a relationship with someone who lacks that level of maturity to begin with. Among those people I'm interested in, it's much more likely that they're okay with poly, and actually among the people I've been in a relationship with, 100% of them were fine with poly (granted, that's like a 3 out of 3, but still..)

[OutsideObserver]

@OutsideObserver: I think most people aren't emotionally mature enough to be able to deal with poly. That's just the way of things. You severely restrict your "dating pool". But personally, I don't consider it much of a restriction, because I'd not be willing to enter a relationship with someone who lacks that level of maturity to begin with. Among those people I'm interested in, it's much more likely that they're okay with poly, and actually among the people I've been in a relationship with, 100% of them were fine with poly (granted, that's like a 3 out of 3, but still..)

I don't think it's about maturity, at least not always. Some people are just not wired for polyamory, they can be the most mature person on the planet and it would still not be something they would be happy with. I, at first, assumed I was not wired for it, and was just going to suck it up for my girlfriend's happiness. Turned out I honestly didn't care.

I also don't think polyamory and relationship anarchy are exactly the same thing, either. They come from the same place emotionally, to be sure, but I know poly people that thrive on labels and roles and all that junk. Some poly people still want life partners and spouses and all the type of stuff that R.A. is trying to get away from. I personally consider relationship anarchy to be appealing, but if you think people aren't mature enough for polyamory... yikes!

[Tarfeather]

I don't think it's about maturity, at least not always. Some people are just not wired for polyamory, they can be the most mature person on the planet and it would still not be something they would be happy with.

Correct. If you read accurately, you'll note that I never claimed what you seem to think I claimed. Most people aren't emotionally mature enough for poly. But even if they were, they wouldn't necessarily be fine with it. You can find an example of that in this very thread.

[Amedot]

I think the reason for this is religion (aka Christianity). The "Western religion" (I'm exaggerating here but you get the point) is Christianity, which forbids polygamy. As such, more westernized countries tend to follow this monogamous trend.

I think Islam and Hinduism permits polygamy? (I might be wrong. There wasn't time to do research. Apologies.)

A sect of Mormonism (which is a type of Christianity? Confusing) believes / advocates polygamy.

Marriage, for the most part of history, is about property. So monogamy / polygamy as a cultural norm depend on exchange of property laws in the particular region. Polyandry (a marriage where there's one woman and multiple male partners) in Tibet was based on preventing property being split between brothers, for one example.

[OutsideObserver]

I think the reason for this is religion (aka Christianity). The "Western religion" (I'm exaggerating here but you get the point) is Christianity, which forbids polygamy. As such, more westernized countries tend to follow this monogamous trend.

I think Islam and Hinduism permits polygamy? (I might be wrong. There wasn't time to do research. Apologies.)

A sect of Mormonism (which is a type of Christianity? Confusing) believes / advocates polygamy.

An extremist sect that is condemned by the main church. Mainstream Mormonism maintains that plural marriages were a necessity of the Frontier era, and have banned them ever since... well ever since the law and public opinion was starting to turn against them regarding it. The Sister Wives people talked about that, getting driven out of their community and living on the down-low in some Mormon circles.

I'm not saying you're wrong, just that even Mormonism mostly advocates monogamy.

((Mormons believe in Jesus's divinity, which makes them as Christian more-or-less)).

[Guest]

Lol. Poly folk are more mature?? That's hilarious. I've not seen that to be true and I've known a lot of poly folk in my life.

[Guest]

Lol. Poly folk are more mature?? That's hilarious. I've not seen that to be true and I've known a lot of poly folk in my life.

ExactIy :lol:

And a fair amount of emotionaI maturity (no matter how much of a siIIy dork one is) is necessary to maintain *any* heaIthy reIationship, regardIess of whether one is innateIy poIy or innateIy mono (*waves team mono fIag ehe, aII happy and fuII of butterfIies because I am about to oficiaIIy become someone's girIfriend in 1 minute* - yes we are counting down :P)

[Hobbes∞]

Lol. Poly folk are more mature?? That's hilarious. I've not seen that to be true and I've known a lot of poly folk in my life.

ExactIy :lol:

And a fair amount of emotionaI maturity (no matter how much of a siIIy dork one is) is necessary to maintain *any* heaIthy reIationship, regardIess of whether one is innateIy poIy or innateIy mono (*waves team mono fIag ehe, aII happy and fuII of butterfIies because I am about to oficiaIIy become someone's girIfriend in 1 minute* - yes we are counting down :P)

What an unbearably long minute

[Guest]

Lol. Poly folk are more mature?? That's hilarious. I've not seen that to be true and I've known a lot of poly folk in my life.

ExactIy :lol:

And a fair amount of emotionaI maturity (no matter how much of a siIIy dork one is) is necessary to maintain *any* heaIthy reIationship, regardIess of whether one is innateIy poIy or innateIy mono (*waves team mono fIag ehe, aII happy and fuII of butterfIies because I am about to oficiaIIy become someone's girIfriend in 1 minute* - yes we are counting down :P)

Ooh, congratulations!!!

[Guest]

I'm monoamorous. Though I suppose I don't have much actual experience to back this claim up, but the idea of being in a relationship with more than one person is repulsive to me personally. I'm sure my religion is some influence, too, but I think it's natural for me. But hey, maybe I'm wrong. Nobody's gonna come after me with a club for labelling myself mono if turns out to be wrong, and it's not gonna hurt anyone.

[m4rble]

Scientists have done some studies on mono vs poly when it comes to number of partners, effectively it comes down to a few factors:

1. Religious influences growing up (if exposed to those who are pro-poly VS pro-mono)
2. Social influences (if your parental figures are ok with more than one partner, or repulsed by it)
3. Media influence (aka there's no such thing as poly according to USA mainstream, you only have one partner, if not, you're cheating)
4. Social/peer pressure (social media any time there's an article about poly, 5% are normally people just screaming IT'S CHEATING)
5. Your own family history (possibly genetics basically)
6. Hormonal structure (the whole endocrine system in your body, some people are more hormone of a certain kind MAY be prone to poly based relationships)

There was an interesting article not too long ago that basically said monogamy evolved to be "a thing" due to STDs risks of our neanderthal ancestors. Humans started pairing to strictly one partner, to try to lessen risk of STDs and other types of body fluid risks being spread.

You also have 'grey areas" where people (like myself) say "I am open to being very deeply emotionally connected to people, but that doesn't mean I desire a romantic relationship with them" while to average person they might think "oh you have 2 partners?" To me, no. This is why alterous attraction is so important (the "gray area" between friendship and romance)/

Our ancestors were homo-sapiens, homo-neanderthalis was an entirely different group of hominids. There was some interbreeding but less than 5% of our dna comes from neanderthals.

[m4rble]

This whole monogamous vs. polyamorous thing seems kind of foreign to me.I have no idea where I would fall. Perhaps I'm just aromantic so my position is null.

[Tarfeather]

Lol. Poly folk are more mature?? That's hilarious. I've not seen that to be true and I've known a lot of poly folk in my life.

You talked about manipulation in another thread recently, didn't you.. seems you're really fond of that stuff.

I never said that "Poly folk are more mature", and indeed, I think that'd be a ridiculous notion. You're the one who brought that up. So what exactly is "hilarious" here, the fact that you can come up with ridiculous ideas that you yourself invented?

ExactIy :lol:

And a fair amount of emotionaI maturity (no matter how much of a siIIy dork one is) is necessary to maintain *any* heaIthy reIationship, regardIess of whether one is innateIy poIy or innateIy mono (*waves team mono fIag ehe, aII happy and fuII of butterfIies because I am about to oficiaIIy become someone's girIfriend in 1 minute* - yes we are counting down :P)

Yes, that's my point. If you're emotionally mature, maintaining a poly relationship is not really any more effort.. it might just be not something you're into, but if you're into it, there's no additional effort involved, because managing jealousy, allowing your partner to be completely free to do what they want, etc. etc. is already something you should be doing anyway, even in a mono relationship. Except, most people don't do that, they don't reflect much and tend to give in to their possessive urges, hence my statement of most people not being emotionally mature enough.

[m4rble]

Lol. Poly folk are more mature?? That's hilarious. I've not seen that to be true and I've known a lot of poly folk in my life.

You talked about manipulation in another thread recently, didn't you.. seems you're really fond of that stuff.

I never said that "Poly folk are more mature", and indeed, I think that'd be a ridiculous notion. You're the one who brought that up. So what exactly is "hilarious" here, the fact that you can come up with ridiculous ideas that you yourself invented?

ExactIy :lol:

And a fair amount of emotionaI maturity (no matter how much of a siIIy dork one is) is necessary to maintain *any* heaIthy reIationship, regardIess of whether one is innateIy poIy or innateIy mono (*waves team mono fIag ehe, aII happy and fuII of butterfIies because I am about to oficiaIIy become someone's girIfriend in 1 minute* - yes we are counting down :P)

Yes, that's my point. If you're emotionally mature, maintaining a poly relationship is not really any more effort.. it might just be not something you're into, but if you're into it, there's no additional effort involved, because managing jealousy, allowing your partner to be completely free to do what they want, etc. etc. is already something you should be doing anyway, even in a mono relationship. Except, most people don't do that, they don't reflect much and tend to give in to their possessive urges, hence my statement of most people not being emotionally mature enough.

Spending time with an extra person would still be more effort.

[Guest]

Lol. Poly folk are more mature?? That's hilarious. I've not seen that to be true and I've known a lot of poly folk in my life.

You talked about manipulation in another thread recently, didn't you.. seems you're really fond of that stuff.

I never said that "Poly folk are more mature", and indeed, I think that'd be a ridiculous notion. You're the one who brought that up. So what exactly is "hilarious" here, the fact that you can come up with ridiculous ideas that you yourself invented?

ExactIy :lol:

And a fair amount of emotionaI maturity (no matter how much of a siIIy dork one is) is necessary to maintain *any* heaIthy reIationship, regardIess of whether one is innateIy poIy or innateIy mono (*waves team mono fIag ehe, aII happy and fuII of butterfIies because I am about to oficiaIIy become someone's girIfriend in 1 minute* - yes we are counting down :P)

Yes, that's my point. If you're emotionally mature, maintaining a poly relationship is not really any more effort.. it might just be not something you're into, but if you're into it, there's no additional effort involved, because managing jealousy, allowing your partner to be completely free to do what they want, etc. etc. is already something you should be doing anyway, even in a mono relationship. Except, most people don't do that, they don't reflect much and tend to give in to their possessive urges, hence my statement of most people not being emotionally mature enough.

1. I mentioned manipulation in another thread, that's true. I've also mentioned pizza, Mt. Dew, blowjobs, and the movies of Rob Zombie in other threads. I fail to see the relevance here.

2. Yes, you did. Right here:

I think most people aren't emotionally mature enough to be able to deal with poly. That's just the way of things. You severely restrict your "dating pool". But personally, I don't consider it much of a restriction, because I'd not be willing to enter a relationship with someone who lacks that level of maturity to begin with. Among those people I'm interested in, it's much more likely that they're okay with poly, and actually among the people I've been in a relationship with, 100% of them were fine with poly (granted, that's like a 3 out of 3, but still..)

3. You've never had a poly relationship so you should probably stop acting like you have. Calling yourself poly and practicing polyamory are two very very different things. I can call myself an astronaut if I want, but it doesn't mean I can speak from astronautical experience. You like to proclaim yourself any number of things in order to act like you have some sort of inarguable evidence of your nonsense. But again, proclaiming you're xyx and actually living it... two very different things. Pretty much guaranteed I've seen real life poly relationships in far greater detail and depth than you, despite your bullshit claim that you've had three poly relationships.

[Guest]

Let us try to keep the remarks from becoming personal jabs, despite differing opinions and viewpoints.

Serran

SPF&A & Census Moderator

[Guest]

Objection, your honor. Complainant himself opened the subject of his personal life by using his relationships as evidence. Rebuttal should be permitted.

I'd also like to file a motion requesting a ruling on personal jabs, because I see none. Complainant said I was making things up and I said his comments were nonsense. Those do not appear to be personal jabs.

[Guest]

Spending time with an extra person would still be more effort.

Yep that :lol:

And when you're happily dedicated to one person and they to you, and neither of you have any interest in "finding anyone else" (because the idea of that is actually repulsive to you both) then no amount of "emotional maturity" will make you more open to being poly. Some people just don't desire that in any way, but do innately desire total monogamy and anything less would very IikeIy end their relationship. That's not emotional immaturity it's just how some people are :3

[Guest]

Yes, that's my point. If you're emotionally mature, maintaining a poly relationship is not really any more effort.. it might just be not something you're into, but if you're into it, there's no additional effort involved, because managing jealousy, allowing your partner to be completely free to do what they want, etc. etc. is already something you should be doing anyway, even in a mono relationship. Except, most people don't do that, they don't reflect much and tend to give in to their possessive urges, hence my statement of most people not being emotionally mature enough.

I actually fully agree to this. Personally, I think trying to live a mono 'ship would be one heck of a lot more effort than just going with the natural flow of being poly, even though I'm very, very introverted - the amount of control necessary for monogamy, constantly needing to mess with stuff I have neither need nor right to mess with, would be draining my energy in no time. From my PoV, polyamory can be better than being alone; but being alone is always infinitely better (and easier) than going mono. *shudder*

Yet still, the point stands - there are a good number of emotionally mature people who simply are wired for monogamy and won't be happy with poly, regardless of their maturity. And there certainly are a lot of immature asshats among poly folk, for whom poly is just about guaranteed to end up being nothing more than childish drama with more actors involved.

[Guest]

Objection, your honor. Complainant himself opened the subject of his personal life by using his relationships as evidence. Rebuttal should be permitted.

I'd also like to file a motion requesting a ruling on personal jabs, because I see none. Complainant said I was making things up and I said his comments were nonsense. Those do not appear to be personal jabs.

:lol: We're not in court. I would look terrible in robes, they cover my wings. :(

But, it was a general reminder and not aimed at anyone specifically, anyway. A few things are teetering and it was a reminder to not let them fall over the line. You are all free to continue the discussion, as long as it doesn't.

Spending time with an extra person would still be more effort.

Yep that :lol:

Yeah. I would be exhausted trying to maintain two relationships, personally. I don't see how people find it less effort! You have to talk, spend time with and upkeep multiple relationships. Expend romantic energy on two people. One is quite enough for me. Two would probably end up annoying me to no end just wanting me to devote time to them both. :lol:

[Guest]

No no, EVERYONE looks good in robes. That's the biggest selling point for that job!

[Guest]

No no, EVERYONE looks good in robes. That's the biggest selling point for that job!

Really? It seems very ... unflattering to the figure. But, maybe cause I have only seen people wearing them on TV. :P

[Guest]

The point is to look powerful, not skinny :D

Anyway, my understanding from many many poly sources is that poly is harder in some senses and easier in others. Like everything else in the world.

[Guest]

The point is to look powerful, not skinny :D

Anyway, my understanding from many many poly sources is that poly is harder in some senses and easier in others. Like everything else in the world.

I can totally see why for an innately poly person, poIy would be easier than monogamy (in many ways, anyway) Monogamy would be very restricting and confining for someone who desires that kind of bond with multiple people (but stiII, so much time and effort to be that cIose with so many peopIe T_T)

The only time I'd consider 'poly' is IF I could have two of my boyfriend. Like two exact copies of him so it's not "sharing", it's just more of one person to love and nom.. I could work with that

But yeah outside of that impossible scenario, poly would kill me. I'd be miserable because I'd have to be forced into it (it wouId never be something I choose) and I'm pretty sure my mind would just break T_T *waves mono flag some more* ehehe

[Guest]

The point is to look powerful, not skinny :D

Anyway, my understanding from many many poly sources is that poly is harder in some senses and easier in others. Like everything else in the world.

Yeah. I could see the stress being less about being there for them all the time, cause they have others to be there for them too. But, then, all the romantic stuff gets doubled and depending on the people involved, that could become a lot of work.

[Guest]

No no, EVERYONE looks good in robes. That's the biggest selling point for that job!

I swear, nothing looks better on me than an ankle-length tunic, which is close enough to robes... I haven't been comfy with leaving the house in Muggle clothing since I switched to those back in '98. :)

[Guest]

No no, EVERYONE looks good in robes. That's the biggest selling point for that job!

I swear, nothing looks better on me than an ankle-length tunic, which is close enough to robes... I haven't been comfy with leaving the house in Muggle clothing since I switched to those back in '98. :)

Would it be politically incorrect of me to say that a burka-like garment is my dream clothes? Imagine I could go out compeletely naked when it's too hot,but at the same time I'm compeletely invisible..just a faceless robe <3 no need to worry about makeup or anything. I'd totally wear them now if I could do so without getting lynched!!

[God of the Forest]

Lol. Poly folk are more mature?? That's hilarious. I've not seen that to be true and I've known a lot of poly folk in my life.

ExactIy :lol:

And a fair amount of emotionaI maturity (no matter how much of a siIIy dork one is) is necessary to maintain *any* heaIthy reIationship, regardIess of whether one is innateIy poIy or innateIy mono (*waves team mono fIag ehe, aII happy and fuII of butterfIies because I am about to oficiaIIy become someone's girIfriend in 1 minute* - yes we are counting down :P)

What an unbearably long minute

*Pukes a little* Im so happy for you :P

[Guest]

*Pukes a little* Im so happy for you :P

*hands you a mint to freshen your breath* hehe thank you! :lol: