My sexual fantasies no longer work!

[ashpenaz]

Yes, I have sexual energy. Yes, that energy needs to be drained off every now and then. Yes, I use sexual fantasies as part of the draining off process.

But lately, the fantasies I used to use don't work--it's like I know they're false, and they don't have any effect. Before I identified as asexual, I thought there was something wrong with me. I tried to use sexual fantasies in order to "sexualize" myself. I tried to use my fantasies to direct my diffuse sexual energy toward something. Now that I identify as asexual, it's like my body is saying, "Let's not try to fix this anymore."

People confuse not feeling sexual attraction with not having sexual energy. i do have sexual energy--it's like a huge, amorphous ball which shoots out sparks directed at nothing. When I went through puberty, I experienced my sexuality as a huge inrush of energy which I didn't know what to do with. At that point, I tried to use fantasy to direct this energy toward something, basing my fantasies on what my friends said they found attractive. I figured if I fantasized about sex with men or women, I would eventually become attracted to one or the other.

Now, those fantasies don't work. I still have the sexual energy, and I still need to drain it off, but the fantasies are no longer helpful.

My experience of asexuality is not a lack of sexual energy, but a lack of orientation. Heterosexuals' sexual energy is oriented toward the opposite sex; homosexuals' sexual energy is directed at the same sex; bisexuals' sexual energy can be directed toward either sex--my sexual energy isn't directed toward anything.

Lack of sexual attraction is not lack of sexual energy.

[AceofThrones]

Hate to go there...but what about different sites with kinky videos? There are a large variety of categories and it may not be that you are into the sex between actors aspect but the story behind it or the freedom of the nudity..? I also think reading erotic stories is fun because you use your own imagination to create whatever fantasy and the story just helps to jump start that for you. Hope this helps and does not sound totally creepy.

[Ms.Frankenstein]

TMI

I can get the deed done while thinking about grocery shopping. Seriously. It's not that groceries are sexy, it's that the connection between the act and the thought seems to be, well, broken. :P It didn't used to be that way, and I used to engage in fantasy but now...I don't need it.(still enjoy it sometimes but don't need it). The act is purely physical, for the most part.

[pegasusoftraken]

Before I figured out I was asexual I did the same I used "sexual" fantasies that were more sexualised than I'd like because I believed I should like sex. But I found I tended to dwell on the non-sex bits more (or use fast-forward a lot if watching porn). That was part of what led to me considering if I was asexual in the first place. Though for me there was always a part of my fantasies that I enjoyed visualising such as kissing and other non-sex intimacy, or thinking about characteristics I find attractive, (kink also sometimes comes into it but that's probably just me!)

Point is focusing more on whatever part of the fantasies that you find pleasurable. Wasn't clear from your post whether it was just the sexual bits of fantasies that were an obstacle, or whether no part of your fantasies are working for you. Though either way figuring out what works for you is important. I know it's tough getting out of the mindset of thinking there's a particular "right" way to fantasize or "right" things to find attractive - though there really isn't a right way, even among your friends they will be fantasizing in completely different ways from each other. I'd suggest experimenting a bit to try to find what it is you do like - I don't mean looking up kinky videos (unless you are into that), but just to try focusing on different things when fantasizing. If you like romantic things then that might be a place to start, or if you like non-sexual intimacy, or if you find certain things attractive or whatever. It might take a while to figure out what works for you, but you'll eventually find what you like.

One last thing I've found is that what I enjoy fantasizing about isn't the same as what I enjoy doing with another person necessarily. And that led to all sorts of confusion until I did figure that out. So what you find attractive or like doing with others might not be a thing that works for you as a fantasy. Though I do find it is a reasonable place to start exploring.

[ashpenaz]

I like when you say what I fantasize about is not what I like to do with another person. I've always had that same disconnect. I think I was trying to fantasize about sex because that was what I was supposed to do--but I never connected with the actual act. Once I'm done fantasizing, I can't imagine do any of that with another person. Now that I'm identifying as asexual, I don't like even fantasizing about sex. It's like fantasizing about a really awkward game of tennis, or clog dancing, or something alien to my personality.

Asexuality has given me the courage to say I don't want to have sex, not even in my fantasies.

[NerotheReaper]

Well people change and their interests change, maybe one thing worked for you five years ago. Now it does nothing, since you have changed as a person for better or for worse. Experiment around and try new things, keep it legal though ^_^