Jump to content

Why I feel compatible with my asexual partner


Tarfeather

Recommended Posts

Quite probably because she thinks more of you than the people she had casual sex with, Tar and she doesn't want to fuck it up.

That really stinks.

And why shouldn't you accept someone who's had casual sex? It doesn't make them a lesser being. You're being pompous.

I think jealousy is a perfectly valid reason not to accept someone, even if it's a shitty one.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Quite probably because she thinks more of you than the people she had casual sex with, Tar and she doesn't want to fuck it up.

That really stinks

Yeah perish the thought she likes you.

Or perhaps she's seen your bitter misanthropic side and changed her mind.

And why shouldn't you accept someone who's had casual sex? It doesn't make them a lesser being. You're being pompous.

I think jealousy is a perfectly valid reason not to accept someone, even if it's a shitty one.

You're clearly using a different definition of either shitty or valid to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Or perhaps she's seen your bitter misanthropic side and changed her mind.

It may be hard to believe, but my real friends actually like that side to me.. Here on AVEN is pretty much the only place I talk about my feelings with people who don't.

And why shouldn't you accept someone who's had casual sex? It doesn't make them a lesser being. You're being pompous.

I think jealousy is a perfectly valid reason not to accept someone, even if it's a shitty one.

You're clearly using a different definition of either shitty or valid to me.

Yes, it was intentionally phrased in a way that sounds contradicting.. My point is, I don't have to accept her, only because I have no rational reason not to. It's better to figure out the reason why I don't and work on fixing it, rather than trying to force myself to do something I don't currently feel like doing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't agree with Blond's general gist, but a passionate holiday fling would make most sexuals feel better about life in general and themselves in particular, assuming it wasn't infidelity.

I certainly won't deny that. I referred to the "brothel" part where the feeling isn't mutual and the connection isn't there. You go and buy sex as you go and buy a gallon of milk. Sorry, I only have friendships to compare but anyways... in a friendship you're constantly working on building and maintaining trust until you reach a certain level of comfort and intimacy. So I KNOW that I have achieved something, I gained someone's trust and all that and two (or more) people each put in real effort to create a comfortable environment for everyone involved.

This simply isn't there when it comes to the brothel stuff. The passion isn't mutual and from what I came to understand so far, this is one of the major factors when it comes to sex in a sexual relationship. (BTW, it's much alike in a friendship... feelings need to be reciprocated.)

Or am I missing something in the brothel area?

(I have the feeling that you guys and Tar are talking about completely different things right now... I think I somehow got where he's going but I can't form a proper paragraph anymore. My brain's busted for the day :()

Link to post
Share on other sites

I certainly won't deny that. I referred to the "brothel" part where the feeling isn't mutual and the connection isn't there. You go and buy sex as you go and buy a gallon of milk. Sorry, I only have friendships to compare but anyways... in a friendship you're constantly working on building and maintaining trust until you reach a certain level of comfort and intimacy. So I KNOW that I have achieved something, I gained someone's trust and all that and two (or more) people each put in real effort to create a comfortable environment for everyone involved.

This simply isn't there when it comes to the brothel stuff. The passion isn't mutual and from what I came to understand so far, this is one of the major factors when it comes to sex in a sexual relationship. (BTW, it's much alike in a friendship... feelings need to be reciprocated.)

Or am I missing something in the brothel area?

I think the misunderstanding is that Blond wasn't talking about brothels or prostitution, but about seeking genuinely interested people on vacation?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I really read it as "go on vacation and have a shag to boost your confidence". Might be wrong, though. Maybe Blondbeard could clear that up for us.

Genuinely interested people are a completely different matter of course (and I'm sure that you don't consider "all of them"TM to be shallow...)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I really read it as "go on vacation and have a shag to boost your confidence". Might be wrong, though. Maybe Blondbeard could clear that up for us.

Genuinely interested people are a completely different matter of course (and I'm sure that you don't consider "all of them"TM to be shallow...)

Genuinely interested and on vacation where you'll never see them again aren't mutually exclusive. People can be genuinely interested in a casual one night stand.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Half of my sexual partners have been causal flings on vacation. Of course, that didn't do much to awaken me sexually, but I guess they did awaken me asexually.

Link to post
Share on other sites
OutsideObserver

So you're basing this stream of consciousness on biological programming = need for casual sex?

I honestly don't know anymore. My own thoughts all sound really stupid to me now.

Now I'm in a situation where I'm supposed to accept a woman who's had casual sex. I know she's not shallow.

Shit.

Why can't someone just want casual sex with me? Why do I always have to be the one to put in all the effort? Why is it that with me, sex is something special and something to be taken slow and only in a relationship, but with other people it's okay to bang them even when they don't give a shit about you?

Sorry, I went rather off topic with this train of thought, but yeah you're right, that other stuff I said about them being shallow, was bullshit. Rationalization. This right here is how I really feel, and I hate it that I feel this way, but I don't know how to turn it off.

My advice to you as a heterosexual male who lost his virginity sometime after high school: Casual Sex isn't all that great. Don't waste your time thinking about it. Sex with a romantic partner, or even a friend, is generally better sex anyway.

It's just a fact of life, not everyone is equipped to be successful at establishing the kind of instant attraction needed to be successful at casual hookups. Some of us are shy, or not good conversationalists, or are not superficially attractive on that level. That's not the fault of casual hookup culture or anything, it's just how human attraction works. I've had casual sex once (meaning sex with someone I barely knew just because we both wanted sex) in my life (it was awful, btw). I'm just not the dude that strange gals looking for nothing more than a good time goes for if she has her pick. I'm a big Frankenstein-looking dude, most of my first interactions with new women I meet is me trying super-hard to impress upon them that I am not a serial killer, and that the thought of hurting other people makes me physically ill.

But I do alright for myself with girls that get to know me first. I've been in FWB situations. I have a couple of exes who text me randomly when they are "in the mood". I'm funny and charming IRL, and that is attractive to a lot of people... it's just not that easy to convey in a dance club or party full of random people.

My rambling point behind all this is that some people are just never going to be successful at seeking casual sex. None of that means you can't be wildly successful at having a sex life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Now I feel even more alienated than before..

Link to post
Share on other sites
El-not-so-ace

Most peoplw I know don't like casual flings or friends that tried them out ended up either not really liking it or developed some sort of FWB relationship. As girl that's not super attractive but cute, I'm sure a random drunk guy might be interested but I'd never want to do that. It's completely repulsive for me.

Do I see myself as being better than others? Okay, maybe in very low self-confidence moment. Otherwise, no. Just live and let live, it's so much easier on the blood pressure and nerves... :P

Link to post
Share on other sites

Now I feel even more alienated than before..

Alienated from what?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that you dont look very happy and that what you are trying to do is convince yourself that your unfullfilling relationship is right for you because you had no experience in the past and you are afraid you could not find anybody else who would want to be with you.

You probably had depression in the past. Of course all this could be wrong perceptions from me and you are very happy and your relationship is great.

I will tell my story, When I startedhaving sex with girlsI was in a relationship with an asexual girlfriend, BeforeSi became more active because I was always tired and according to my ex I looked like under depression even if I think I wasnt. If I was you I would try to meet a girl from other country or go to a country where they love foreigners and women love them. Go on vacation, have great sex, recover your self steem and you will feel much better, in fact even your asexual girlfriend willget shocked and youmuch happier.

Tar and I don't get on very weII for the most part, I've been tempted to put him on ignore muItipIe times. But this is just going too far. Someone has found some happiness in their reIationship, and your advice is for them to go and destroy said reIationship by cheating (which in your situation, caused your gf to become suicidaI, Iest we forget), and insuIt them at the same time?

You're not asexuaI and your asexuaI ex (I hope) girIfriend aImost committed suicide when you cheated on her.. What's your purpose for stiII being here? Because aII I see you doing is spreading hate and negativity and trying to promote cheating/utterIy destroying asexuaI partners because you did it and reaIized how much you Iove sex.

Y_Y

I'm not spreading negativity, neither telling him to destroy his partner, I recommended him to have sex with other people because ne said in other thread that he was sexual in a polyamorous relationship so his girlfriend shouldnt mind. I recommend often splitting up or open relationships because people usually asks for help and are sad with their relationships and I ho estly think that is the best advice.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just a fyi:- We're in a poly relationship.- I'm currently dating a sexual and my partner is entirely fine with that.But whatever. I'm in this relationship because "I'm afraid I couldn't find anybody else". Right.

I know those details, youexplainedit in another thread. Thats why I think good sex for you would be the best. If course if you are asexual also or very Low Libido then no problem, you both match. What I dont buy is the neuroplasticity explanation, if not you could make your girlfriend become sexual by having sex. I honestly think that our sexuality have some area of variation but not so much unless medical issues involved. I recommend you just to try sex with a very sexy girl and passionate one, not allsex is equal. Of course,just in the case you are sexual, if you are asexual then you have a good match already.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Personally, I'm an ace who like.... rarely does sex stuff but if I do? It's because I love them and trust them very intimately. I think it's nice you see it as something special to share with few people.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...